Dancing Naked
Page 20
Subject: bbq
hi ki, the youth group is having an end-of-summer barbecue at my house at 4:00 on sept. 6th, rain or shine. it’s going 2 be fun, but it won’t be the same without u, so please, please come. i can’t predict what might happen if you don’t show. the group just might land on your doorstop, barbecue and all, so u might as well come.
J
ps. have u heard from joanna and brett? how is she doing?
From: Kia
To: Justin
Date: Aug. 30
Subject: Re: bbq
justin, they’ve been calling constantly. she’s fine. i told them to stop calling for awhile. it hurts too much.
k
From: Justin
To: Kia
Date: Aug. 30
Subject: hallelujah!!!!!!!!!!!!!
o kia. it was such a relief 2 hear from u. please write some more. it will help to talk about it.
J
From: Kia
To: Justin
Date: Sept. 2
Subject: sorry
it’s just too much effort. everything is. i’ll write when i can.
k
week 40/40
~ Brenna’s due date
Aug. 27
It’s been two weeks, two weeks of pain. All I want to do
is sleep and forget, but when I sleep I feel like I’m
falling,
falling,
falling
and I wake up with a jolt.
Will it ever end?
Kia smiled shyly at her friends from Youth Group when she arrived late for the end-of-summer barbecue at Justin’s house. They looked amazed to see her.
“My God, Kia, look at you,” Meagan said. “You’re, like, so skinny!”
“Getting there,” she answered, looking down at her loose sundress.
“I’m glad you came,” Justin said. Kia could see the sincerity of those words in the way he was looking at her. The rush of feelings she still had for him almost overwhelmed her.
“I wasn’t going to.”
“What made you change your mind?”
“I’ve got to face school in two days,” she said, looking away. “I figured coming here might be the best way to break into real life again.”
“Good plan.”
She shrugged and then sat beside Justin in the circle they had formed on the grass. A chalice with a flickering candle stood in the center.
“So, we’ve each had a turn describing what we did this summer, Kia,” he said, “and then we shared what we learned about ourselves from those experiences.”
“And it’s your turn, Justin,” Meagan reminded him.
“I was hoping you’d forget,” he said, looking around the group. Everyone’s eyes were on him. He took a deep breath, and let it out slowly. “Okay,” he said. “I’ve had the most ... the most amazing summer of my life.” He stretched out his legs, making himself more comfortable. “First of all, I witnessed birth, the birth of Kia’s baby. It was incredible.” He looked down at her, but she wouldn’t make eye contact with him. “I can only describe it as ... powerful. Totally. I think it’s changed the way I look at life, and it’s definitely confirmed my belief in some kind of higher power, or force, call it whatever you want. There’s no way that perfect new baby could be just a fluke of nature.”
Justin looked around the group, expecting a reaction, but they all regarded him solemnly.
“What else happened, Justin? You said ‘first of all.’ What is second of all?” Meagan asked.
“Second of all ...” Justin swallowed and pulled his legs up so that he was sitting cross-legged. He looked down at his hands, folded in his lap. “Well, second of all, I’ve decided to come out, publicly.” He looked up. “And proudly.”
“Come out?” Chris asked.
“That’s right,” Justin said, looking up and meeting Chris’s eyes. “I’m gay.”
There was a moment of complete silence, and then Meagan asked, “What made you decide to come out now?”
Justin looked down at Kia, and then put his arm around her shoulder. “Kia did.”
She looked up, startled. “I did?”
“Yeah,” he said.
“No, I didn’t.”
“You didn’t have to say anything,” he said. “But I watched and admired how you handled being pregnant. You were so brave.”
Brave, Kia thought. The same word Grace had used to describe her.
“And I thought if you could be so brave, why couldn’t I?”
“How long have you known you were gay?” Laurel asked.
“Quite a long time. And my parents know, and so does the Rev and a few other people, but I just haven’t been able to talk about it openly before.” He looked around at the serious faces.
The teens looked at each other and then back at Justin. “So?” Laurel asked. “What’s the big deal?”
There were nods and shrugs around the circle.
Justin smiled. “I knew you guys would be cool, but it feels like such a relief to say it out loud anyway.”
“Group hug!” declared Meagan, and they all got to their feet, pushed Justin into the center of the circle and hugged him together. Then, laughing, they returned to the circle on the grass.
Justin studied Kia’s face as the group grew serious again. “So, Kia,” he said, “that leaves you. Are you ready to tell us about your summer?”
“Yeah, I guess,” she said in a voice not much louder than a whisper. “Though everyone already knows what I did.” She patted her almost flat stomach.
“Tell us anyway,” he said softly, “in your own words.”
Kia sat quietly, collecting her thoughts, and then she turned and gave Justin a small, teasing smile. There was a flicker of mischief in her eyes. She started to speak, as if from rote, “What I did on my summer vacation. On my summer vacation I had a baby.”
“That’s it?” he asked, a matching flicker in his own eyes. “Nothing interesting?”
“Nope, that’s about it. Oh, yeah,” she said, perking up. “I volunteered at the seniors’ home too. And I made a new friend.” Her shoulders sagged suddenly and she dropped her head. Her long hair hung around her face and she added quietly, “But she’s sick.”
“So,” Justin said, gently placing a hand on her shoulder. He tilted his head and tried to look into her face, but it was hidden behind her hair. “What have you learned about yourself from all this?”
Kia sat very still. It was a long time before she spoke, and when she did, the others had to strain to hear the words. “I learned to dance naked,” she whispered, looking up into the surprised faces of her friends. “And so did you, Justin,” she said, turning just in time to see his look of astonishment. She continued, speaking a little louder. “And I learned that I’m not as selfish as I thought I was. A selfish person might have kept Brenna. I let her go because it was the best thing for her.”
“What was it like ... giving her away?” Laurel asked softly.
Kia swallowed hard. “It was hell. It’s still hell. I can’t see a baby on the street or on TV without bawling my eyes out. I cry myself to sleep almost every night.” She blinked hard. “I even cry when I see dog food,” she said with a small laugh, but then grew serious again. “I feel so empty. For nine months I had a baby growing inside me. Now there’s nothing.” She paused, and then continued. “I don’t know if I’ll ever get over it. I love her to death. If I had to give up my life for her, I’d do it in a heartbeat.”
Everyone sat very still. There was a clap of thunder in the distance.
“If you had to do it all again,” Chris asked, “would you choose abortion next time?”
Kia thought about that. “It’s weird to think that if I’d gone through with it, with the abortion,” she said, “there’d be no Brenna. I’m sure an abortion would’ve been way, way easier, but I think w
hat I did was the right thing for me. Actually, I know it was. I’m glad I was able to give Joanna and Brett a child and it was awesome to find out what my body could do—grow a baby and all that. But I’ll never be the same.” She sighed, then looked up at the gathering storm clouds. “I feel like I’ve aged about twenty years. I’ve lost my ... my youth, I guess. Just being a teenager. I really regret that. No,” she said, shaking her head, “if I had to do it all over again I’d just make sure I didn’t get pregnant in the first place.”
“Is there anything else you’ve learned?” Justin asked.
“Yeah,” she said, looking around at the group. “I’ve learned who my friends are.”
“And who are they?” he asked.
“The people who stick with you no matter what. Like you guys.”
Justin nodded.
There was a flash of lightning in the far distance, followed by another rumble of thunder, but no one moved.
“Who is your friend that is sick?” Mike asked, ignoring the large drops of rain that were beginning to fall on them.
“An old woman from the seniors’ home,” she answered. “Grace, or Graceful, as we all call her. I haven’t known her long, but she’s really special. She’s the one who told me about dancing naked.”
“Did she really mean you should do that?” Chris asked, puzzled.
Kia thought about it. “Yes and no.” She strained to remember the conversation she’d had with Grace not so many weeks ago. “I think she felt we should try to get our minds and bodies to work, or dance, more in unison.” She shook her head and added quietly, “If my head and body had been working as a team, I wouldn’t have become pregnant in the first place.”
There were a few nods.
“And she says that when we make tough decisions, and go with them, it’s like dancing naked. You expose yourself to others—just like Justin did tonight.”
He picked up her hand.
“And really,” Kia smiled, “don’t you think dancing naked would make you feel like ... really alive? I think that was her point too.”
“Yeah,” Chris laughed. “Especially if it was cold outside.”
Justin grinned down at her. “Maybe there’ll be a full moon tonight,” he said, “after the storm passes, and....”
“Hey, I’m outta here if that’s the plan,” Mike said.
Justin nodded. “Okay, then it can be Kia’s solo.”
“Forget it, I’ve got stretch marks.” Kia laughed and realized, with shock, that she hadn’t really laughed in weeks. It felt good.
“Whatever,” Chris said. “It’s about to pour. Let’s move.”
“Yeah,” Mike agreed, looking up. “And let’s eat. I’m starved.”
Kia realized she was hungry too, but it actually felt good to feel something other than pain again.
Justin joined hands with Kia and Mike, and everyone else followed suit, holding hands with their immediate neighbors, until the circle was completely linked. Leaning forward, Justin blew out the candle. “The flame will be gone but the memories linger,” he recited.
“We carry the light,” the group chanted in return. “We carry the warmth.”
“So be it,” Justin said.
With a final squeeze of hands, the circle was broken and the group moved to the sheltered space under the second-floor sundeck. Justin lit the barbecue and they watched as the storm moved in.
Later, Kia sat off to one side of the group, alone but content. The storm had passed and kindling was being arranged in a firepit.
“Kia,” Justin said, joining her. “Look!” He pointed at something over her shoulder.
She turned to see what it was. A perfect rainbow arched across the eastern sky.
“The universal sign of hope,” she said quietly, remembering the half-rainbow they’d seen together last winter.
Justin just nodded, and they watched, in awe, as the individual colors shimmered in the unusual light.
“I’ve never seen anything quite like it,” Kia said finally. “It’s perfect.”
Justin nodded, and rested his hand on her shoulder. “And I’d say that if you believe in signs, or messages from the universe, this would be one.”
She looked at him thoughtfully, then turned back to the rainbow. A sign of hope. She’d hang on to that thought.
Kia pulled on the jeans she hadn’t worn in eight months. She sucked in her stomach and then tugged at the zipper. It pulled straight up. She grinned, admiring herself in the mirror. Downstairs, she grabbed her book bag and headed out the door. Shawna was waiting at the corner.
“This is the first day of our last year of high school,” Shawna commented as they walked toward the old school building. “Party time!”
Kia nodded, but didn’t answer.
Shawna glanced at her. “Why don’t we have a makeover party on Friday night? For old times’ sake.”
Kia smiled. “Sounds great, Shawn, but Friday night and Saturday I’m volunteering at the seniors’ home.”
“Really?” Shawna asked, astonished. “Don’t you already have, like, way too many community service points?”
“I do,” Kia nodded.
Shawna shook her head, but her smile was warm. “It’s great to have you back, Kia. I’ve missed you.”
“I’ve missed you too, Shawn,” Kia said, knowing exactly what Shawna meant. It had been a long and sometimes lonely detour, but Justin was right. With her eyes wide open, it had been an amazing journey.
epilogue
The light from the full moon illuminates the trees standing strong and dignified at the edge of the forest. She is one with them, exposed to the elements without fear, without shame. The music of the universe drums inside her head, inside her heart. She lifts her outstretched arms to the night sky, feeling her spirit surge through her entire being, reborn, alive. It rushes down her arms to her fingertips, down her legs to her toes. With complete abandon she twirls around and around, the cool night air licking at her bare skin, the spongy, damp grass the perfect dance floor.
As she dances she peels off the remaining garb of her past, the attire that is no longer her. She is still a daughter, still a mother, but now she will wear the strong fabric of self-knowledge, fashioning a new identity, one that is both innocent and wise, sensitive and resilient.
She dances, and as she dances, the spirit of Grace joins her. They dance together, wild and free.
Table of Contents
Cover Page
Title Page
Copyright Page
Dedication
Acknowledgements
prologue
the first trimester
week 8/40
week 10/40
week 11/40
week 13/40
week 14/40
the second trimester
week 15/40
week 16/40
week 18/40
week 19/40
week 20/40
the third trimester
week 29/40
week 35/40
week 36/40
week 38/40
week 40/40
epilogue