No-one Ever Has Sex on Christmas Day

by Tracy Bloom

  ‘Fuck no!’ exclaimed Ian, leaning back sharply as though Matthew had bitten him. ‘She’s still the evil bitch from hell. I feel duty-bound to warn Bob, the poor sod she’s marrying, but he seems like a bit of a tosser so they’re probably made for each other.’

  ‘Right.’ Matthew nodded. ‘So why the long face then?’

  ‘Because she’s found someone, I guess, and I haven’t.’

  ‘You can’t begrudge her that.’

  ‘I know, I know. But it just made me ask myself what I’m doing. Why am I thinking about driving all the way out to Otley to meet a woman I don’t know?’

  ‘Because you might get a shag out of it?’

  ‘I don’t think I want that any more.’

  ‘Oh my God! Are you feeling OK? Are you really, Ian? Has a sensible mature man swooped in and taken his place?’

  ‘It’s not funny,’ said Ian. He paused then looked up. Matthew could have sworn his eyes were glistening. ‘I’m spending Christmas alone.’

  ‘Don’t be ridiculous.’

  ‘I am. The kids have plans. Catherine is going to her boyfriend’s family, and Jack is off with a mate from uni to stay with his parents in Sweden. So never mind I’ve only seen them for half a day all these past years, now I don’t get to see them at all. And Carol will be toasting marshmallows or whatever round the fire with Bob and I’ll be all alone, eating a ready-meal turkey dinner in a room devoid of Christmas decorations because I can’t be arsed just for me. I’ll be sat there crying over The Railway Children and the cranberry sauce I forgot to buy. You’ll find me having slit my wrists sometime in mid-January when I’ve finally been missed.’

  Matthew was taken aback. He had never see Ian like this.

  ‘What about your mum and dad, or your brother?’

  ‘I can’t go to Mum and Dad’s,’ said Ian with a deep sigh. ‘I’ll feel twelve again. Mum will hang me a stocking up and everything. How depressing would that be? Waking up in your childhood bedroom, alone in your forties.’

  Matthew had to admit that did sound extremely bleak.

  ‘They’re going to Graeme’s anyway. I could go there, but I can’t bear the thought of spending Christmas with my high-achieving, happily married little brother with two kids, a dog and a rabbit. I mean, who has a rabbit these days? Graeme will spend all day breathing his perfect life over me.’

  ‘Well, come to us then.’

  Ian looked up at him wide-eyed. ‘Seriously, mate?’

  Matthew nodded.

  ‘Alison would divorce you.’

  Matthew thought for a moment.

  ‘I have to agree that is a serious possibility.’

  ‘Not that it would really solve the problem anyway. What I need is to… well… I don’t think I have any choice but to fall in love.’ Ian blew his cheeks out as though he had realised he’d finally reached the last resort.

  ‘I think that is a very mature thing to say,’ said Matthew carefully. ‘But are you sure you’re not just saying this because of the time of year? Loving someone isn’t just for Christmas, you know. You need it to get past all the other stuff like being shouted at for not putting the loo seat down and having to remember their birthdays and your anniversaries and not getting pissed off because it turns out your view of the world is different to theirs and being patient when they drive you crackers because of their anal organisational tendencies and not agreeing on how much sport you’re allowed to watch on the telly… you know, stuff like that. You need love for that.’

  ‘I know,’ replied Ian. ‘I have been married before. I was in love with Carol once, although quite why escapes me. I know it’s bloody hard work loving someone. You put someone on a pedestal and they can only fail you really, can’t they? They’re only human. It’s loving them despite their flaws, that’s the key. That’s why Carol and me split up. She couldn’t love me despite my flaws.’

  ‘Your main flaw being that you had an affair with Marie?’

  ‘Point taken.’ He sighed. ‘I’m just bored of not having someone. I go home and there’s nothing. It’s why I avoid going home, I guess. But I’m sick of being out. I want to go home.’

  Silence fell on the room.

  ‘Possibly the most moving thing you’ve ever said,’ murmured Matthew.

  ‘Fuck off,’ said Ian, a grin finally creeping back on to his face.

  ‘So what are you going to do about it?’ asked Matthew.

  ‘I’m going to find her,’ said Ian, nodding seriously. ‘Dating is about finding my future wife now, not just messing about.’

  ‘Blimey! My, you’ve grown. And what about Christmas?’

  ‘Oh, I’ll find her by Christmas.’

  ‘Are you insane? It’s, like, really soon.’

  Ian shrugged. ‘Now I’ve made my mind up, it can’t be that hard. I am a catch after all,’ he said, the familiar cheeky smile returning to his face.

  ‘There is absolutely no way you will fall in love by Christmas,’ said Matthew. ‘That’s a stupid and naïve thing to say.’

  ‘Oh, I’m so sorry,’ said Lena, suddenly appearing at the door with a mug in her hand. ‘May I?’ she asked, pointing at the kettle. ‘I don’t want to disturb you.’

  ‘Oh, it’s no problem,’ said Matthew, sitting up in his chair as though she’d caught him doing something he shouldn’t. ‘Please carry on.’

  ‘Can I make you tea?’ she asked.

  ‘No, no,’ said Mathew. ‘Thank you, though.’ He turned to ask Ian if he wanted another beer, but Ian’s eyebrows had shot up to the top of his forehead, and he was looking at Matthew expectantly.

  ‘Oh, er, Lena, this is Ian, a colleague of mine,’ he said before he realised what he was doing.

  Ian rose from his chair and walked over to Lena to shake her hand.

  ‘What a pleasure to meet you,’ he gushed. ‘You didn’t say you had a guest staying, Matthew?’

  ‘No, no, I am Rebecca, George and Harry’s nanny,’ she told him.

  ‘Oh, Lena, of course. Matthew has spoken very highly of you,’ continued Ian.

  ‘Well, that is wonderful,’ she said, glancing over at Matthew.

  ‘And remind me where you’re from?’ asked Ian.

  ‘Lithuania,’ she replied.

  ‘Wow!’ Ian nodded back.

  He clearly had no witty comment to come out with regarding Lithuania, thought Matthew. This was not good. Did Ian actually intend to fall in love with the first woman he clapped eyes on? Surely not. Ian and their nanny had disaster written all over it. Matthew got up to go and extract two more beers from the fridge.

  ‘And are you enjoying your time here in Leeds?’ he heard Ian ask Lena.

  ‘Most definitely,’ she said. ‘Especially Yorkshire pudding!’

  Ian laughed. It was the laugh of a man who wanted to make someone feel like they were the funniest person they had ever met. This could not go any further, thought Matthew. Ian chatting up the nanny in casual dating mode was bad enough, but Ian searching for a soulmate could seriously damage the harmony they currently had in their home. He would have to think quickly.

  ‘And do you get out much?’ Ian asked.

  Oh my God, thought Matthew, he was going for the kill. He didn’t mess about, did he? Perhaps he should drop the beer on the floor, create a distraction, anything to disrupt this conversation.

  Lena nodded. ‘I meet up with some other Lithuanian friends every now and then.’

  ‘Matthew?’ Ian shouted over.

  Matthew was just about to drop his bottle but paused. Fatally as it turned out.

  ‘Would you mind if I asked Lena to come to our Christmas party. If she’d like to, of course,’ he said, turning back to face her. ‘I’d be honoured if you would accompany me. Matthew and Alison are coming so you’d be safe, no need to worry,’ he joked. He turned back to face Matthew. ‘That would be great, wouldn’t it, if we all went together?’

  Matthew looked over, stunned. Ian should have been a barrister – he was so clever and had s
uch a way with words. Going as a foursome was a terrible idea, but he couldn’t say that, could he? Not in front of Lena. Not if he didn’t want to appear all Downton Abbey, saying that he couldn’t possibly mix socially with the servants. How clever of Ian to have asked his permission in front of Lena. He’d have him for that later. He crossed his fingers that Lena was smart enough to see through Ian’s slick patter.

  ‘Of course, that would be great,’ said Matthew, ‘but only if Lena wants to. I mean, Ian, you can’t just assume she’d want to come, can you? The last thing she probably wants to do is spend her free time with us… or you.’

  ‘Well, I could understand that of course,’ said Ian, ‘but it’s a party at Christmas Party Land with food and free-flowing wine, and I believe African-themed entertainment. It’s supposed to be a cracking do. But if you’d rather not?’ he added expectantly to Lena.

  ‘Oh no, no,’ said Lena. ‘It sounds wonderful. Very British, what with its African theme?’ She glanced over to Matthew, who tried to hint at disapproval, but all he managed was one raised eyebrow. ‘I would love to come, as long as Matthew and Alison are OK with it?’

  ‘Of course,’ agreed Matthew. ‘It’s fine by me,’ he said through gritted teeth.

  Ian beamed. ‘Brilliant.’

  ‘Good.’ Lena nodded. ‘I will see you then, Lion King.’

  Ian laughed again. Maybe too long and too hard. Lena picked up her tea and left the room.

  ‘Wow,’ said Ian, turning to Matthew. ‘You kept that quiet.’

  ‘No,’ said Matthew, shaking his head. ‘No, no, no! Take her to the Christmas party by all means but that is it. No more. If there is one thing guaranteed to make Alison divorce me more than inviting you for Christmas, it’s you stealing our nanny.’

  Ian smiled and shrugged. ‘I can’t help it if I’m irresistible.’ All traces of melancholy from earlier had disappeared.

  Matthew knew he was in big trouble. This might be the worst thing he had ever done in Alison’s eyes: introducing Ian to their brilliant, perfect, sanity-saving nanny. He was going to have to think very hard how to tell Alison without causing her to go into premature labour.

  Matthew took a low profile after Ian left. He couldn’t quite summon up the words to explain to Alison that he had somehow allowed Ian to invite the wonderful Lena out on a date. She would jump straight to worst-case scenario without passing go. Lena getting involved with Ian would inevitably lead to Ian breaking Lena’s heart given his dismal history with women. Lena would then hand in her notice, blaming Matthew for the terrible introduction and wanting to avoid even the vague chance that she would have to bump into Ian ever again. It was impossible to think how the household would function without her if that happened. Matthew broke out in a hot sweat just thinking about it. But it wouldn’t get to that surely? It was just a date. Nothing serious. He very much hoped that Alison would see it that way.

  ‘He’s gone, has he?’ asked Alison when she wandered into the kitchen after Matthew had spent about an hour trying to cook up the bravery to come clean about what he’d done.

  ‘Er, yeah,’ he replied.

  ‘What did he want?’

  Matthew was rooted to the spot. He didn’t know what to say.

  ‘I heard that Carol’s getting married again. Is that why he came round? Has he decided to be upset about it?’

  ‘Er, yeah,’ replied Matthew. ‘Hit him hard actually.’

  ‘Really? But they’ve been divorced for years. And he’s dated half the single women in Leeds since then. He’s hardly played the hard-done-by divorcé card.’

  ‘I know but even so, I think it’s made him realise what he hasn’t got.’

  ‘Any sense? Any morals?’ stated Alison.

  ‘Come on, he’s not that bad. He’s actually quite sensitive, and he’s a good guy at heart.’

  ‘Mmm,’ said Alison. ‘He’s got a funny way of showing it.’

  ‘Lena took a shine to him.’ Matthew tossed it out into the conversation in the hope the comment wouldn’t explode like a hand grenade.

  ‘What?’ exclaimed Alison, her eyes already bulging out of her head. ‘When did she see him?’

  ‘She came down for a drink.’

  ‘And you introduced her? Oh, Matthew, how could you?’

  ‘I couldn’t not, could I? Not when they were in the same room.’

  ‘Well, if he comes sniffing round again, you’re to take him into your study. The last thing I need right now is the thought of Ian chasing after our nanny. It makes me shudder to even think about it.’

  Matthew breathed in sharply then said, ‘Too late.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘Too late. He’s asked her out.’

  ‘She didn’t say yes, did she? Oh, Matthew, how could you let this happen?’

  ‘Ian caught me on the hop. He asked my permission and I could hardly say no in front of her, could I? But it’s OK. He’s invited her to the works Christmas do so we’ll be there to keep an eye on them.’

  ‘Are you serious?’ cried Alison, pulling a chair out and easing herself into it. ‘You’re telling me that not only do I have to endure the thought of Ian trying to woo our nanny, I have to watch it too!’

  ‘Well, we might be able to do something about it, mightn’t we, if we’re there. Kill the romance somehow?’

  Alison bent slowly forward and put her head in her hands.

  ‘I knew it was all going too well,’ she muttered. ‘We have the good fortune to have a brilliant nanny and now have a place for Rebecca and George at a decent preschool. I thought I’d ticked all the boxes.’ She sighed, sounding utterly exhausted. ‘I thought we were ready,’ she said, raising her head and looking directly at Matthew. ‘Ready to welcome a new member of the family. I thought I could face Christmas knowing everything was in order.’

  Matthew could feel his heart sinking lower and lower.

  ‘And then Ian pops up.’ She grimaced. ‘Like the naughty little elf he is and threatens to bring it all tumbling down.’

  ‘I think you might be being a bit overdramatic. He’s only asked her to the Christmas party.’

  ‘She’ll take one look at the fairy lights and they’ll play “Last Christmas” and that will be it. She’s lost to us. People fall hard at Christmas parties, Matthew. Everyone wants to live the dream and fall in love under the mistletoe.’

  ‘Don’t be ridiculous,’ dismissed Matthew. ‘No-one falls in love just because George Michael is crooning in their ear.’

  Alison blinked at her husband. ‘I was eighteen,’ she confessed. ‘His name was Rex. He asked me to dance the last dance at a school disco. It was “Last Christmas”. We walked outside, hand in hand, and it had snowed. Then he kissed me.’

  Matthew stared at Alison. He didn’t quite know how to take this information.

  ‘Then what happened?’ he asked.

  ‘He got off with Emily Bagshaw on New Year’s Eve.’

  ‘Is that why you hate New Year’s Eve?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Because of Emily Bagshaw?’

  ‘No, because of Rex or maybe George Michael, I don’t know. I knew Rex wasn’t trustworthy. I knew there was no way he wanted anything more than just a Christmas kiss, but I let myself get carried away with the music and the snow and George Michael crooning in my ear. That’s what Christmas does to you. It can make you believe that a toerag like Rex is the love of your life.’

  ‘I think that Lena has more sense than that,’ Matthew offered.

  ‘I had more sense than that,’ said Alison desperately. ‘Didn’t stop me falling for him hook, line and sinker though, did it?’

  Matthew was at a loss. He didn’t know what to do to make it better. And quite frankly he was somewhat perturbed at the hazy expression on his wife’s face when she talked about her Christmas kiss with Rex. It had clearly taken on a mythical status, and he wasn’t sure how to compete with that.

  ‘And you know what will happen, don’t you, the minute the midnight bell chim
es on New Year’s Eve and Lena is standing all alone, broken-hearted, while Ian is heaven knows where with some floozy?’ said Alison.

  ‘I don’t know,’ said Matthew, despite the fact he knew exactly what his wife was about to say.

  ‘She’ll leave us, Matthew. It won’t be Ian that suffers because of his philandering – it will be us. New Year’s Day and she’s out of here, her life in tatters and us facing a future with four children under four and no nanny!’

  Matthew didn’t know what to say to the tragic tale that Alison had laid out before him.

  ‘All we can do is make sure she doesn’t enjoy herself,’ she added with a sigh as she hauled herself up. ‘Doesn’t get that Christmas feeling.’

  ‘It is an African theme,’ offered Matthew hopefully.

  Alison nodded. ‘Good. Let’s hope the sound of bongo drums kills the festive spirit and an elephant lands on Ian’s head.’

  Chapter Thirteen

  Hi, love. Do you have a downstairs toilet in the new house? Carlos isn’t good with stairs. Once he’s down he likes to stay down. Let me know. Speak soon, Mum xx

  Katy put her phone on silent then placed it face down on the table. She’d sat facing the door of the café and was nursing a cup of tea that she could barely taste. In fact all her senses seemed to have gone into lockdown since her meal with Cooper White the night before. All she could think about was his job offer, and she was finding it impossible to concentrate on anything else. Luckily for her, Ben had been knee-deep in a football match on the TV when she’d returned home, having taken advantage of sole access to the remote control. He’d looked up briefly before returning his gaze to the screen, then leapt off the sofa and done a victory run round the lounge. Presumably someone had scored.

  ‘Did you secure the entire future of Butler & Calder then?’ he asked, sitting down, still transfixed by the match.

  ‘Maybe.’ She shrugged. ‘Hard to tell. Do you mind if I go and have a bath?’

  ‘Be my guest.’ Ben waved towards the stairs. ‘I’ve still got the second half to watch.’

  She climbed the stairs slowly, her legs heavy, then locked herself in the bathroom. She needed peace. She needed escape. She needed to be alone with the secret she now held because the one thing she was sure about was that she wasn’t ready to let Ben in on it. She was still in a state of shock at the evening’s turn of events. It was the last thing she’d expected, and she had no idea what she felt about it. Partly thrilled at the idea of taking what would undoubtedly be an exciting job in an exciting city and partly horrified at what they might have to sacrifice if they took up the opportunity. Friends, family, Leeds United… and most importantly trying for another baby. She wouldn’t mention it to Ben just yet, she decided. She’d check Cooper was serious the next day before she threw this possible hand grenade into their marriage.