Knowing Me Knowing You

by Mandy Baggot

  Some male members of the crowd whooped and cheered and Kate, although focussed, could see Colin Sykes sit a little further forward on his chair. Miranda had a face that looked like it had been sucking lemons and Andrew Kent was starting to perspire heavily due to the combination of spotlights, an ill-fitting shirt and the leather trousers.

  The music, reminiscent of a funked-up Glenn Miller, began and Kate tried to remember everything she had learnt from a few evenings on You Tube, a phone conversation with Mental Melanie and a couple of practise runs in front of the mirror. She moved lightly, yet confidently, pulling at her elbow length gloves and removing them as slowly and demurely as she could, much to the crowd’s enjoyment. She used her prop, a chair, swooshing her leg over it, sitting astride it, front to the audience, back to the audience, removing clothing as she went along. She smiled and looked in control, she held her arms high in the air and as the music reached a crescendo she whipped off the front of her dress so she was stood only in the corset and stockings.

  The men wolf-whistled and cheered and the whole crowd applauded as Kate felt her cheeks redden. She bowed politely, collected her discarded clothes and then hurried off the stage, grabbing her coat from Joel and putting it on as quickly as she could.

  ‘Wow,’ Joel spoke, smiling at her broadly.

  ‘What?’ Kate asked, hugging her coat to her.

  ‘I’ve never seen anything quite like it before,’ Joel told her.

  ‘And I doubt you ever will. Was it that terrible? I don’t think any of the judges were particularly impressed. I’m sure I saw Judith purse her lips at one point.’

  ‘Are you kidding? It wasn’t terrible, it was terrific. I had no idea you did that,’ Joel spoke.

  ‘I don’t do that and I won’t be doing it, ever again. It was Lynn’s stupid idea and I couldn’t come up with anything else at short notice. So there we go! We’re doomed!’ Kate spoke.

  ‘After that performance I’d say we had it in the bag,’ Joel told her.

  ‘Really? Was I good? It was completely out of character really and I didn’t have a clue what I was doing,’ Kate exclaimed excitedly.

  ‘It didn’t come across like that,’ Joel assured her.

  ‘Well, good. I was focussed, I was thinking about Bethan and the reason I am doing this whole insane competition and then I thought about the solicitor’s exam and I realised that without Matthew the world is my oyster. I can do whatever I want to do and I can be whoever I want to be. If I want to be a burlesque dancer then I will be,’ Kate spoke, beaming.

  ‘And is that what you want to be?’

  ‘I don’t know yet. I think I need to try pole dancing too, just to compare,’ Kate admitted with a smile.

  ‘Now that I would like to see,’ Joel said.

  ‘Come on, come on, all back on stage for the results of the talent round, chop, chop Madeline and Michael. Have I got Brian and Martha and Hayley and Anthony?’ Becky questioned as she flapped about in the green room, collecting everyone together.

  ‘I guess that means us as well,’ Kate said, downing her drink and preparing to join the group.

  ‘I guess it does. I hope we don’t have to perform again if the judges can’t decide,’ Joel remarked.

  ‘That won’t happen, they’re on a tight schedule. They have to finish on time for ad breaks and things,’ Kate replied.

  ‘Thank God for ad breaks.’

  ‘Right, let’s welcome them all back on stage please, our wonderful Knowing Me Knowing You contestants,’ Larry Rawlins introduced, holding out a sequined arm.

  The contestants filed back onto the stage as the audience and judges applauded them.

  ‘Right, without further ado, the two couples, winners and runners-up in the talent round are…’

  Kate held her breath and took hold of Joel’s hand. She squeezed her eyes shut and willed Larry Rawlins to say their names.

  ‘Gloria and Mark!’

  Kate squeezed her eyes shut even tighter and felt her chest contract. She also sensed Joel’s grip tighten on her hand.

  ‘And Kate and Joel!’ Larry announced finally.

  Kate snapped her eyes open and grinned gleefully.

  ‘And out of those two couples the judges were unanimous, the winners, with five Kissing Gates to add to their board are - Gloria and Mark with their wonderful acts, the juggling and the aerobics,’ Larry spoke, clapping his hands together as the sixty year old Gloria French-kissed her partner for all to see.

  ‘Oh God, please tell me he did the aerobics,’ Kate remarked.

  ‘So well done Gloria and Mark, five Kissing Gates and Kate and Joel, three Kissing Gates, which means you are our front runners with one round left to go,’ Larry announced.

  ‘Don’t be disappointed,’ Joel said.

  ‘I’m not. Well, perhaps a bit. I’d like to see what fantastic juggling and aerobics they did,’ Kate said.

  ‘We’re second, we only need to come second to be in the final. We just need to do our best in the last round,’ Joel encouraged.

  ‘Yes, I know,’ Kate replied, looking out into the audience.

  Lynn was waving wildly and whistling, Colin was necking Dawn and Miranda was laughing ridiculously loudly and touching Andrew Kent’s knee. All looked the worse for booze.

  The next half an hour didn’t really matter to them, but it was absolutely crucial to Kate. She had to make the final, she needed that prize money. She wanted to get her life back on track, she wanted to give Bethan everything she needed without having to struggle. But most of all she needed to shake herself free of Matthew. If she could do that financially, then her emotions should surely follow suit.

  Twenty One

  ‘You’re doing so well! The Lady Dragon hates it! And have you seen Colin and Dawn? They’ve hardly come up for air!’ Lynn exclaimed, pouncing on Kate as she waited with Joel.

  ‘You shouldn’t be in here, you’ll get us disqualified. Plus I want to know all about the other couples. You can’t report back if you’re in here with me and missing the action,’ Kate spoke.

  ‘Darren’s keeping an eye on things while downing all the wine. Still, whatever keeps him in a good mood,’ Lynn replied.

  ‘My dancing was terrible, I was so embarrassed,’ Kate remarked.

  ‘It was great! And isn’t Joel a terrific singer? There’s no way that wrinkly Sylvia doing star jumps and all that thrusting was better,’ Lynn said with a nod.

  ‘Joel’s getting some drinks, do you want one?’ Kate offered.

  ‘No thanks, just popping in to give moral support.’

  ‘Well just hang there a second, I’m desperate for the loo but I’ll be back. I want to know all the gossip from the table. Joel, give Lynn my drink,’ Kate spoke as Joel returned and she made a mad dash towards the exit.

  ‘Hello again,’ Joel greeted, passing Lynn Kate’s drink.

  ‘Hello. I was just saying to Kate, I thought your song was really good,’ Lynn told him.

  ‘Thanks - listen Lynn, don’t say anything to Kate will you? I want to tell her myself,’ Joel spoke a serious expression on his face.

  ‘OK, am I supposed to know what you’re talking about? Don’t tell Kate what?’ Lynn asked, confused.

  ‘Darren didn’t tell you?’

  ‘Darren didn’t tell me what?’

  ‘It doesn’t matter. I just thought - it doesn’t matter - it’s nothing, honestly,’ Joel answered with a smile.

  ‘Hmm, now you’re worrying me. Is he keeping secrets from me? Have you two met before or something?’ Lynn questioned, staring at Joel suspiciously.

  Kate washed her hands and looked at herself in the mirror. Her face was glowing and for the first time in ages she felt like her. This was how she used to feel when things had been uncomplicated with no pressure at work, marital strife or single motherhood. She smiled at her reflection and was just about to walk towards the door when someone walked through it, tossing their blonde hair back.

  ‘Oh Kate, hello,’ Miranda greeted.<
br />
  ‘Hello.’

  ‘Aren’t you and Joel doing well? Who would have thought it? I expect you’re glad you selected him - handsome, intelligent, such a fabulous singer.’

  ‘Yes,’ Kate replied not really knowing what to say.

  ‘But then he is the best choice on the Elite Escorts website isn’t he? I didn’t think much of any of the others,’ Miranda remarked.

  Kate froze, Miranda’s words hitting her like a bulldozer. Her heart leapt up into her throat.

  ‘I admire you really, an escort agency isn’t something I would ever consider using. But I know it must be hard being divorced and being a single mother. All those lonely nights in front of the television wondering how your life came to this,’ Miranda continued.

  ‘I don’t know what you’re talking about,’ Kate muttered stupidly, knowing her shocked expression had all but given her away.

  ‘No, of course not. You met Joel at the swimming pool didn’t you?’ Miranda spoke smugly.

  ‘Yes,’ Kate replied unconvincingly.

  ‘I doubt the organisers of this competition would be very pleased to hear that one of the current leading couples were nothing more than fakes. And I just can’t imagine what it would do to Frank Peterson - his solicitor cheating, his integrity questionable,’ Miranda continued.

  Kate couldn’t say anything; tears were welling up in her eyes already.

  ‘But then no one need find out. If you, say turned down Colin’s offer, told him you didn’t want to take the solicitor’s exam. I’m sure your little secret could stay a secret,’ Miranda spoke a smile crossing her face.

  ‘I don’t know what you’re talking about. Joel and I are a couple.’

  ‘Oh Kate, in your dreams! Look at him! Look at you!’ Miranda exclaimed, laughing out loud.

  ‘Not everyone judges everything on face value,’ Kate replied as hurt built up in her chest.

  ‘I would think very carefully about what your next move is going to be. I mean all you have to do is turn down the offer of the exam and then you can carry on with the contest and carry on as a legal executive, nothing has to change.’

  Kate just looked at Miranda. The Lady Dragon was sneering at her, smiling smugly, pulling at a tendril of blonde hair.

  ‘You’re in shock; you didn’t think I’d find out. Well, why don’t you have a little think about it over the weekend and let me know on Monday how you wish to proceed,’ Miranda suggested, speaking to Kate as if she were a client she was going to report for money laundering.

  ‘Joel and I are a couple,’ Kate stated again as if saying it a dozen times was going to make it real.

  Miranda laughed out loud and then turned on her heel and left the toilets like a pantomime bad fairy.

  Kate put a hand to her chest the second Miranda had closed the door in an attempt to quell the panic. The Lady Dragon knew and now she was going to try and blackmail her. She couldn’t let her jeopardise the contest, she and Joel had worked too hard to let that happen.

  She looked at her reflection in the mirror again. The smile had gone and the worry lines had reappeared. It was back to normality.

  ‘The final round, the round that will decide which two couples go through to the grand finals, to be held in London, is called “Bitter or Sweet”. This will be a quick-fire round where the couples will be given two words and they will have to pick the word they think best reflects their partner’s preference. For example, “savoury” or “sweet”. Is everyone clear?’ Larry Rawlins asked the contestants and the audience.

  All Kate could do was stare into the audience at Miranda. She was perched on Andrew Kent’s knee, sipping champagne and licking her lips. Kate had never wished death on anyone before but she wished it now. She looked at the sparkling chandeliers hanging from the ceiling and wondered how she could arrange for the one over the Randall’s table to be loosened. A loosened screw and it could fall, land on Miranda’s head. Shards of glass would scratch into her face, one large sharp piece would pierce her heart and she would lay, across Andrew Kent’s leather trousers, bloodstained and lifeless.

  ‘Are you OK?’ Joel asked, taking hold of her hand.

  ‘Yes, yes, I’m fine,’ Kate insisted, hurriedly putting a smile on her face.

  ‘I’m a savoury by the way, not a sweet, just in case they do ask that one,’ Joel spoke quietly.

  ‘Oh,’ Kate replied.

  ‘Are you sure you’re OK?’ Joel asked again.

  ‘Yes, fine, nothing another drink won’t cure,’ Kate said as she prepared to leave the stage.

  ‘Listen, when we get back to the lodge, there’s something I have to tell you,’ Joel spoke seriously.

  ‘Oh, you know! Did she speak to you too?’ Kate exclaimed half horrified but half delighted that she didn’t have to keep Miranda’s knowledge to herself.

  ‘What?’

  ‘Miranda.’

  ‘Kate, what are you talking about?’

  ‘She knows you’re an escort,’ Kate said nervously.

  ‘What?!’

  ‘You didn’t know.’

  ‘No, when did this happen?’

  ‘She confronted me, in the toilets. She knows and she’s going to tell everyone we’re frauds if I don’t turn down the solicitor’s exam,’ Kate informed as they followed Becky down the corridor towards the green room.

  ‘She can’t do that,’ Joel replied, opening the door for her.

  ‘She can and she will. I’ve told you, she’s evil, she hates me and for some reason she feels threatened by me and - what are we going to do? I don’t want to lose our chance,’ Kate said, looking at Joel wide-eyed.

  ‘I’m not going to let her do this,’ Joel spoke.

  ‘I don’t think I have a choice, she’s given me the weekend to think about it but I’m going to have to turn down the offer of the exam. I’m not sure I wanted to do it anyway.’

  ‘No.’

  ‘What else can we do? We could pull out of the competition or deliberately lose but I don’t want to do that, Hermione and Lynn and you have put so much into this it isn’t just about the money any more,’ Kate spoke, picking up a stray drink from the bar and swallowing it.

  ‘We’re not pulling out or throwing the competition, leave it with me,’ Joel said confidently.

  ‘I’m sorry, I don’t know how she found out. Perhaps it was me, not looking like your girlfriend and trying to shake hands with you…’ Kate began, feeling guilty.

  ‘It’s OK, don’t worry about it, it’s not important. You just worry about getting the questions right in the “Bitter or Sweet” round,’ Joel spoke with a smile.

  ‘But…’

  ‘Come on, let’s get another drink,’ Joel urged her, taking hold of her hand.

  ‘They got nine out of ten,’ Kate announced, downing the drink in her hand.

  ‘Who?’

  ‘Sodding Gloria and Mark. We can’t win now, the best we can do is come second.’

  ‘Then that’s what we’ll do. Come on, don’t be so defeatist,’ Joel informed her.

  ‘We don’t know each other well enough.’

  ‘We do. How many of the other couples will have been practising questions together most nights?’

  ‘Anthony and Hayley will have been, the rest of them don’t need to because they’re…’

  ‘Sleeping together?’

  ‘Well, yes, I suppose so, although…’

  ‘You don’t get to know someone by sleeping with them.’

  ‘No, I guess not.’

  ‘So what’s the problem? We know each other, we’ve spent the last few weeks getting to know each other, we know enough.’

  ‘Come on, come on! Chop, chop, you’re next!’ Becky announced her pink hair hitting Kate in the face as she swung around and led the way to the stage.

  ‘And here they are ladies and gentlemen, our current second place couple - Kate and Joel,’ Larry announced to the cameras.

  ‘You know me Kate,’ Joel said seriously, squeezing her hand.

>   ‘Hello guys, are you ready for the “Bitter or Sweet” round? Joel, it’s your turn to go in the booth so if you would like to trot over there, slip on the blindfold and the headphones we’ll get underway.’

  Kate watched Joel as he went into the booth and covered his eyes and ears with the pink velvet accessories.

  ‘Don’t look so nervous my love; I’m sure you’re going to do very well. OK, a quick recap. I am going to say two words, for example, “savoury” or “sweet”, and you are going to answer how you think Joel will answer, taking into account his preferences. Everything clear?’

  ‘Yes, I think so,’ Kate told him with a nervous swallow.

  ‘OK, can I have thirty seconds on the clock please?’

  Kate looked out at the Randall’s table. Lynn was biting her nails but when she saw Kate looking she gave a thumbs up. Colin was unbuttoning Dawn’s blouse and paying little attention to what was happening on stage and Miranda had taken off her shoes and was having her feet massaged by Andrew Kent.

  ‘OK Kate, ready? And start the clock - savoury or sweet?’

  ‘Savoury.’

  ‘Action or relaxation?’

  ‘Relaxation.’

  ‘Up or down?’

  ‘Up.’

  ‘Tea or coffee?’

  ‘Coffee.’

  ‘Nightclub or wine bar?’

  ‘Wine bar.’

  ‘Ferrari or Porsche?’

  ‘Porsche.’

  ‘Truth or dare?’

  ‘Truth.’

  ‘Gym or bed?’

  ‘Gym.’

  ‘Flower or tree?’

  ‘Tree.’

  ‘Hot or cold?’

  ‘Hot.’

  ‘That’s great; you managed all ten, well done,’ Larry spoke as he came to the end of the time.

  Kate could feel herself sweating. She really didn’t know whether she had given the right answers or not. She had just said the first thing that had come into her head; there hadn’t been any time for consideration.

  ‘OK, let’s get Joel out of the booth and I will pose the same questions to him and see how many matches we get and how many Kissing Gates we can add to your board,’ Larry announced.