Queen of the Clueless (Interim Goddess of Love)

by Mina V. Esguerra

  "I think I had a class with Neil once. Wouldn't have guessed he would be the guy doing all that though. Isn't he really rich?"

  "I don't think he's in it just because he needs money."

  "That is so messed up. Did you know that they search our bags now, before we leave the locker room?

  "Everyone? Including the RKs?"

  "It was random, but I guess it was mostly me and a couple other guys."

  "Not the rich ones, you mean."

  "They're not so rich. I mean, they pay full tuition but they don't go around in fancy cars."

  "Hey, it's not like I'm hating on your friends. They can be as rich they want. I just don't want us to be the first suspects for something like this."

  "So what's going to happen about that? Are you telling the dean?"

  "We're working something out."

  "I wonder if he'll get expelled."

  "Oh, I didn't even think of that. I hope Sol doesn't hate me forever. Do you think she'll hate me forever?"

  "Not forever. Maybe she'll finally talk to you on graduation day."

  "Great. God. Do you think I'm crazy?"

  "I think you care about your friend."

  "I keep thinking of what I'll do if someone just suddenly told me who I should and shouldn't be with."

  "Hey, some people need that kind of person in their lives."

  "Do they?"

  "Have I ever told you about my sister?"

  "The one who likes peanut butter spaghetti?"

  "No, the one who's in Canada."

  "How many sisters do you have?"

  "A lot. Anyway. She pretty much moved to Canada to follow a guy, who ended up dumping her within a year. I was so against it, told her so, because I knew she was doing it for all the wrong reasons. Everyone encouraged her though, because, hey, Canada."

  "But she's still there, right?"

  "Yes, but every week for a while she was calling home, crying, wanting to come back. She had a good job that she was perfectly willing to leave, just because he dumped her. She kept asking to talk to me, probably because I was the only person who told her not to go to begin with. Thought maybe I'd be the first to tell her to come back."

  "But you didn't. You told her to stick it out there?"

  "Yeah."

  "Because she wanted to come back for the wrong reasons too."

  "Exactly. Thank you. Everyone thought I was being inconsistent."

  "No, that actually makes a lot of sense."

  "So what matters is that you get to do whatever it is you feel you need to do for Sol right now. It'll matter."

  "Thank you."

  "Are you going to finish your chips?"

  "No… you want them? I feel like throwing up, so nervous. I also think that I'm missing a quiz today. I can't believe you're ditching school too."

  "No quizzes today."

  "Aren't you worried about your cuts? I am."

  "I get unlimited cuts for every class. Varsity."

  "Are you kidding me? That's not fair. You guys don't even win."

  "You think I'm going to say no to a good thing?"

  "Hey, I work tirelessly filing personality tests and scheduling counseling appointments. Where are my perks?"

  "Why are you worried about your cuts?"

  "I'm not supposed to miss too many classes. Scholarship review every year and all. I guess you don't have to worry about that?"

  "As long as I'm on the team, they'll keep renewing. It's a good deal."

  "I can't think of anyone who deserves it more. But you didn't have to go with me today."

  "You think I'd just let you go to Naga to confront a petty criminal all by yourself? Good thing I saw you this morning before you did anything rash."

  "This is still rash."

  "Yeah, but we're being rash together. You called your tita about this?"

  "No I didn't. I mean I haven't. I should do that. I mean, well, I just don't want her to yell at me yet. Did they just say we're about to land in a few minutes?"

  "What? Yeah."

  "I thought it would take longer. I mean, isn't it a nine-hour drive?"

  "Planes get to skip all that traffic."

  "You know what I mean. I wasn't expecting it to be this quick. Was it just an hour? We're almost in Naga. Yikes."

  "You were having fun. You're welcome."

  "Okay, is that normal?"

  "That little bump? Yeah. Some pilots do landings better though."

  "Great, on my first time I get the guy who lands with a little bump."

  "It's not so bad. Look, we're here. And see, I'm useful. Do you want me to get your bag?"

  "Yes please."

  Chapter 22

  Sol

  South Luzon Expressway

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  This is exciting. This is exciting.

  I've always wanted to travel with my boyfriend. And I like spontaneity, don't I? Spontaneity is good.

  The word that was actually bouncing around her head, in place of "spontaneous" was "sudden." It described Neil showing up bright and early, before she even dressed up for school, telling her that they were taking a road trip and was going to make it to Naga just in time to greet her mom on her birthday.

  It also described the SUV, not the car she had seen him drive to school two days ago. But he really wanted to drive all the way to her mom's house to "test it out."

  It also described the idea of moving in with him in general. Which she hadn't told her mom about yet, by the way.

  "Are you joking?" she said, more like yelped. "It's a long way! And my mom doesn't know... and I think she has plans..."

  "Then we'll surprise her. Is there something wrong with us surprising her?"

  The words were simple enough, but Sol could hear the vaguely accusing undertone already, had been hearing it for a while now, even when he wasn't asking about the moving-in thing. Or maybe she was just paranoid. Maybe he kept asking if she'd talked to her mom on the phone because he, well, just wanted to know if they were close.

  Yeah right.

  But was there anything wrong with an unscheduled showing up at the old hometown on her mom's birthday? Nothing wrong with that at all. If Sol hadn't said a word to anyone, hadn't had any conversations where breaking up with Neil was ever said aloud, she would be enjoying this more. But too late, she had told Hannah, and Hannah's disapproval was so inevitable, Sol could already feel it.

  "Nothing's wrong," Sol said. "Let me just let her know that we're coming."

  San Pablo

  As they drove farther away from Ford River, Sol started to remember what home felt like.

  The smell of rain, cooking oil, and the feeling of untrimmed grass under her feet.

  It might have been the several arches that they'd passed through in this road trip so far, welcoming them into a rural city, and then bidding them a pleasant goodbye. There was something about rural cities, something un-Manila about them, and maybe that was the source of her confusion.

  Or she was just getting homesick.

  Or she was just getting freaked out.

  Neil was still talking. He kept the conversation in the car at a steady pace, despite the unusually quiet breakfast they had at the gas station Starbucks back at the expressway. He talked about the car, how it had a weaker transmission than he expected. How he wished he had gotten them another model, and that it might not have what it took to drive them all the way to Camarines Sur.

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  Sol thought, Yeah this model sucks, you couldn't have stolen something more expensive?

  But she didn't say it.

  Later, Neil talked about their plans for the summer. The plan was to spend the summer break (spring in the US) at his parents' vacation home in Tahoe, but he just found out that it wasn't going to happen. Sol vaguely remembered that phone conversation weeks ago when he found out that the home had been sold, and he was really pissed about
it still. He was really looking forward to going there with her, couldn't believe his parents did this to him, just another decision that he wasn't part of.

  Sol thought, Yeah because it's all about you, right? Your parents need money and sell a house, and you're angry that it ruined your vacation plans.

  But she didn't say it.

  After a lunch and bathroom stop, and thirty minutes of being lost and scrambling for a cellphone signal to be able to check his map, he settled in and started talking about where they would move in. Together.

  "I thought it would be Palm Estate," she said, referring to the place he was already renting.

  "Yeah, but maybe we can find something nicer. Bigger. You've got a lot of stuff."

  All of Sol's "stuff" could fit into a small bedroom just fine, but he was really into this.

  "You're assuming my mom will say yes," she reminded him. "Remember, this woman had to be convinced to let me study this far away from her."

  He slowed the car down and let, of all things, three goats pass in front of them. "She'll say yes," Neil said.

  Sol really didn't think so. "You don't know my mom," she said.

  "Your mom doesn't know me yet."

  The goats safely made it to the other side, and lingered in front of the fruit stand. They started up again.

  Sol thought, If she knew who you really are, she will definitely not say yes.

  But she didn't say anything.

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  Somewhere in Quezon

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  Neil finally stopped talking, kind of.

  Sol had dozed off in the car, and woke up when he nudged her, complaining of being lost. She couldn't help him, for the most part, because she had only ever really taken planes to travel to Manila.

  "Are we even supposed to be here?" Neil said, fuming at the windshield. From the looks of it they were still in Quezon Province, but Sol couldn't say where exactly they should have been by then. "Don't you know anything helpful?"

  They spent the next hour just driving, trying to find a reliable cellphone signal to call up the map again. Stopping random residents was no use, even though Neil made it a point to pull over and shake their hands. Every damn time. Not that it was any help—the people just sort of got intimidated for a second, and seemed like they genuinely wanted to help, but just couldn't answer with any coherence.

  "Don't shake too hard," Sol had to say, when they stopped to ask a grandfather type manning an outdoor grill. He had to have been over seventy, and it was like his body crumpled a little when Neil got close. She saw this from her vantage point, still on the passenger seat of the car, and got the feeling that she'd seen this before.

  It reminded her of when Neil talked to that other guy...

  Well, what it really came down to was that Neil apparently didn't have many friends. He used to, when she first met him, but since they started dating she never really saw them anymore. Or she'd see him with someone, make a little effort to be friendly, and then not see that person again for months. Or at all.

  Maybe because he had taken what he wanted from them?

  In any case, he couldn't steal anything from the grandfather selling pork on the street. He couldn't be a threat to a street vendor lolo.

  Could he? Where exactly does he draw the line huh?

  It was her brain, but the voice sounded kind of like Hannah. So annoying.

  "I've got a signal," Sol said, even though she didn't. "Come back here, let's just check the map."

  Turned out, they weren't lost. A few meters down they did find a spot where they could load the driving directions again, and had apparently spent all that time stressing over nothing. But Neil hadn't spoken yet since he got back in the car.

  Sol wasn't sure how she felt about that.

  They passed the "Welcome to Camarines Sur" sign and she felt like she should say something.

  "Home in half an hour," she said.

  "It's not your home anymore," he muttered.

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  Chapter 23

  "What is that?"

  "A statue of a dolphin, I think." I naturally thought that Robbie meant the very conspicuous, shiny, and slightly creepy sculpture that greeted us as we stepped out of the car. I mean, it was the first thing my eyes landed on. Not exactly the thing I was expecting at the driveway of someone's home.

  Robbie laughed a little. "No, I meant the music."

  Right, because the second thing anyone would have noticed was the loud music blaring from inside. Third would be the lights that alternately twirled and blinked.

  We were not at Sol's family home. Instead, we were taken to the home of Sol's godmother, who was hosting the birthday party for Sol's mother tonight. It was a short ten-minute drive away from the Delloro home, but was larger, roomier, and absolutely did not look like anyone could sleep there in that racket.

  I knew Sol's family was well off, despite her being an SK. Sol never acted like she was rolling around in money, and in fact was probably the most down-to-earth rich person I interacted with on a daily basis.

  So I was surprised that her mom was so flashy.

  That part became a little clearer when Robbie and I met the driver at the airport, who was already expecting us. In the car, he continued to fuss over us, offering us chilled bottled drinks from a cooler, and comfy pillows.

  I wasn't even done with my green tea yet and we had already parked at what I could only describe as an estate.

  Once inside, Mang Boy held up a phone to my ear. It was Tita Annie, profusely apologizing for being too busy to meet us, but we should totally help ourselves to the lunch prepared and waiting in the dining room.

  After the meal, we were told to retreat into two different bedrooms, shower, and change into the clothes laid out for us there.

  I started to remember Sol's stories about her mom essentially running her life for seventeen years. Hard not to, when I was washing my hair and then slipping into a fancy red and black dress without knowing why I was doing it.

  The dress, by the way, was beautiful. It was a bit loose on top, because it was obviously Sol's, but it made me think of what prom might have been like for luckier people. There was a prescribed pair of shoes sitting by the dress too, and it was way taller—stilts really—than anything I was used to.

  When I finally got to catch my breath, I realized that this was Sol's room that I was sent to. It threw me off a bit because it was impeccably tidy, and her room near Ford River never was. But then I saw her dresser, and noticed what made it recognizably Sol: the small pile of dog-eared manuals, how-to guides, references. Rollerblading. Calculus. Chess. English-Tagalog dictionary.

  And then, a knock on the door. "Hannah, did they give you stuff to wear?"

  I made my way to it as quickly as I could without tripping, excited to open the door and see the outfit Tita Annie had set him up with.

  She's so beautiful, he thought immediately.

  And I very nearly choked on my breath.

  Instinctively he held my elbow as I coughed.

  Do I help her into the room? he asked himself.

  I held up a hand, and cleared my throat. It wasn't very attractive. But he didn't seem to become any less attracted to me. I marveled at that for a moment, realizing why someone like Sol would be colossally dense about someone like Neil. At some point, people just surrendered control. Take the keys, take the wheel, here's your willing passenger.

  "You look so good," I had to say. I almost didn't say it, because I knew what it would do to him. But it was true, and I didn't want to lie to him.

  Robbie was in a suit. Black coat and tie, red shirt, shiny shoes. His hair was still wet from the shower and slicked back a little, not his usual college shaggy, and I just felt…

  Lucky.

  He and I thought that at the same time.

  We were both still thinking it in the car, as we were driven to the party location. We were thinking it as the scent from our respective soap choices (the ba
throoms had a selection!) filled the car. I was especially thinking it when our knees touched during a turn, and instead of being super awkward, he caught my eye and we both laughed.

  So now, being confronted by this huge house with the crazy dolphin statue, the blinking lights, and the music only grandmothers listened to, it gave me some degree of comfort that Robbie was just as terrified and lost as I was.

  Maybe I'd had enough of guys who knew what was best for me.

  "I think it's ballroom dancing music," I said. "I think we're at a ballroom dancing party."

  The effect on Robbie was as if I had said "serial killer's hideout." The blood momentarily drained from his face, but then he sort of shook it off.

  "You okay?"

  "Yeah, it's just... I've been to these things before. Not my favorite."

  At that moment I got treated to an instant flashback of a friend of his mother coming on to him during the salsa, and tried not to smile. "We should have a secret signal, like if you need me to rescue you."

  "I'm just going to say 'Hannah, rescue me,' is that all right?"

  I wish I knew what to say to make this a better memory for him, but my phone had started to ring.

  Crap, my mother.

  She usually called on Friday night. Because every few weeks I'd travel back to Manila for the weekend, and she'd check in the night before to find out if I was coming.

  "Mom," I said. "I'm not coming over this weekend."

  "Oh, okay, I thought… well why not?"

  "I'm actually in a birthday party right now? Sol's mother Tita Annie? I told you about her before."

  "Sol's mother is in Manila?"

  I never lied to my mother. She and I had each other, relied on each other completely since my dad left us. Even when the truth hurt, I never hid it from her. So even though every other teenager already in too deep would probably do the opposite, I still told her the truth. "No, I… I'm actually in Naga right now."

  There was a pause. And then, "What? How did you get there?"

  "I flew."

  "How did you… you've never been on a plane!"

  "It was easy, I got a ticket, it's not that expensive and I had the allowance saved up from the scholarship…"