The Onion Presents Chronicles Of The Area Man

by The Onion

  Table Of Contents

  Sometimes, Area Woman Just Feels...

  Gay Marriage Passes In 9 States After Area Homosexual Dunks On Regulation Rim

  Area Mom Issues Stern Warning On Road Where She Once Got A Ticket

  Area Man Has Far Greater Knowledge Of Marvel Universe Than Own Family Tree

  Outrageous Pictionary Drawing To Go Down In Area Family Lore

  Area Man Unsustainable, Experts Warn

  Area Mom Adds Ankle Weights To Already Bizarre Workout Routine

  Area Mom, Jerry To Wed

  Area Girlfriend, Boyfriend Achieve Perfect Mother-Son Relationship

  Local Raccoons Once Again Take The Fall For Area Man

  Area Woman Will Eat Anything With 'Tuscan' In Name

  Area Woman Encouraged By Sight Of Other Woman Drinking Beer Alone At Airport Bar

  Area Teen Up To Something

  God Help Him, But Area Man Loves That Crazy Bitch

  Area Boy Enters Jumping-And-Touching-Tops-Of-Doorways Phase

  Area Man Makes It Through Day

  Area Man Has Sad Little Routine For When He Needs Cheering Up

  Amazon.com Recommendations Understand Area Woman Better Than Husband

  Area Senior Suspects Grandchild's Visit Just Some Sort Of Class Assignment

  Area Mom: 'I Finally Learned Computers'

  Childbirth To Be Area Woman's Least Painful Interaction With Daughter

  Family Cell-Phone Plan Area Family's Closest Bond

  God's Plan For Area Man Involves Kidnapping Ford CEO

  Area Dog Will Never Live Up To Dog On Purina Bag

  Dress-Up Doll Born To Area Couple

  Area Man Somehow Even Less Popular Than He Was In High School

  Rise In Teen Sexual Activity Comes As Surprise To Area Teen

  Area Mom Could Have Made Same Meal At Home For Much Cheaper

  20 Percent Of Area Man's Income Spent Ironically

  Area Man Proudly Accepts Exit-Row Responsibilities

  Area Sales Rep Played A Little Football Back In College

  Area Man Hasn't Told Co-Workers About His Billy Joel Fanpage Yet

  Area Woman To Get By On Looks For Six More Years

  Area Boyfriend Much Nicer Before Sex

  Area Stylist Would Love To Do Julia Roberts' Hair

  Area Stoner Convinced Everyone On TV Also Stoned

  Area Grandparents Still Have No Idea What Grandson Does For A Living

  Area 15-Year-Old Only Homosexual In Whole World

  Sometimes, Area Woman Just Feels...

  BELMONT, NH—Stating that she wasn't in the best place right now, and that things have been sort of you know, Belmont resident Megan Slota announced Thursday that sometimes she just feels….

  Due to a general sense of…well, it's hard to explain, the 28-year-old dental hygienist reported that she just needed to work some stuff out, and that she would probably be a little I don't know for a couple weeks or so.

  "It's not anybody's fault, honestly," said Slota, standing in her kitchen and holding a mug of tea with both hands. "Sometimes I just get like this where it's like I'm not, I guess, whatever. We don't have to get into it right now."

  Added Slota, "I'm really, like, argh, I don't know."

  After that thing with Dave on Thursday, people were concerned that Slota was in a weird place, which she initially denied. But Slota later admitted that she was just taking some time to figure things out and needed a little space, but it's not like she wanted people to leave her alone or anything like that.

  "I had a really good talk with Debra," Slota said. "She's such a good friend. It's good to know I have someone like her. It's just a crazy time right now. And I've been really busy with work, too, so that hasn't helped."

  While admitting that it must suck to have to deal with her lately, Slota said that she appreciates everyone's patience while she sorts all of this stuff out. Sources close to the sort of spacey, sort of—oh gosh, what would you even call it—distracted woman confirm that it's always the same this time of year, because of her dad.

  "I worry about Megan," longtime friend Alex Polson said. "Times like this, she can get a little strange. Not strange strange, but still kind of strange where you're like, 'Huh?' But you know what? She's tough. She'll get through all this and be back to her old self in no time."

  Though she's been kind of blah lately, especially at the family thing where she had to be on her best behavior, friends and coworkers have been understanding about what's going on with her, and want to let her know they're there if she needs help moving, or needs someone to go shopping with her, or just wants to hang out and not talk about the thing that happened with Samantha last week.

  "You know, it's like when you're just," Slota said. "You feel one way but then you're also sort of, I don't know, maybe it's just one of those things. And you don't want to force it, right? I feel like you just have to accept it sometimes, I guess."

  "It is what it is," she added.

  Regardless of the thing that's, oh, whatever, it'll pass eventually, Slota maintained that she's forging ahead and taking things one day at a time.

  Dr. Andrei Robinson, author of the book It's, Well, I'm Not Sure How To Describe It, Really, says that Slota's condition is not uncommon.

  "As a therapist, I'm seeing more and more patients with problems and conditions related to Ms. Slota's," Dr. Robinson said. "But ultimately, there's not a lot I can do for them. It's just another facet of this, whatever it is. You can't understand the, you know, well, anything, really. It's all too much sometimes, but it's her deal. She's got to work through it. We've all been there, right?"

  "I don't know," Dr. Robinson added. "Does that make sense?"

  Gay Marriage Passes In 9 States After Area Homosexual Dunks On Regulation Rim

  MONTGOMERY, AL—A two-handed slam dunk by an openly homosexual man set off a chain of events this week that culminated in the legalization of gay marriage in nine states, including Mississippi and Alabama. "When I saw that dunk, I was like, 'Whoa!'" said Alabama state Sen. Hinton Mitchem, adding that his office was flooded with calls and e-mails from constituents demanding legal recognition of same-sex marriages following the slam. "A guy with nasty moves like that should be entitled to the same fundamental rights as the rest of us." On Thursday, the New York State Senate passed a resolution declaring that it would take a pretty sweet roundhouse kick from a gay mixed martial arts champion before it would allow homosexuals to marry.

  Area Mom Issues Stern Warning On Road Where She Once Got A Ticket

  OSHKOSH, WI—Insisting she recently received a ticket on Jackson Street, Brenda McCormick, 57, issued a stern warning to her son Justin Monday, urging the 25-year-old to slow down the car, backseat sources reported. "Watch out, there's always a police car waiting at the corner where the speed limit switches from 55 to 35," said McCormick, adding that the area was definitely a speed trap. "They have quotas, you know." McCormick also cautioned her son to drive defensively near New York Avenue, as drivers were always pulling out right in front of people and there was that bad accident there when he was little.

  Area Man Has Far Greater Knowledge Of Marvel Universe Than Own Family Tree

  LA CROSSE, WI—Returning to his hometown to attend a cousin's wedding Saturday, Josh Sundling, 29, reportedly demonstrated on numerous occasions a vast, far more intricate understanding of the fictional Marvel Comics Universe than of his own family's genealogy.

  Sundling, who cannot identify his ancestral homeland or the meaning of his surname, possesses extensive knowledge of the creation of superhero teams, the history of imaginary alien races, and the special powers of countless chara
cters.

  "We're from Sweden or Norway or somewhere around there," said Sundling, who when prompted can accurately detail the origins of each cartoon member of the X-Men, the Avengers, the Defenders, and the Squadron Supreme. "I don't know for sure. I never really asked about it."

  Though Sundling reportedly reread several issues of Moon Knight recently and found himself enjoying the subplot of the hero's romantic involvement with Tigra, it is believed he did not realize his cousin was dating anyone until he received an invitation to the wedding.

  "I guess Andy had been engaged for a while," Sundling said of his cousin Tom, whom he has met on 26 separate occasions and once spent two weeks with at summer camp but routinely confuses with other relatives. "One of my aunts was telling me about it. Whichever one used to have the long dark hair and kind of looked like former Alpha Flight member Diamond Lil."

  "She cut it, though, and now it's white and curly," Sundling added. "Kind of looks like Daily Bugle editor in chief Joe Robertson's haircut. Especially if you look at those old issues from the '70s, back when Ross Andru was drawing him."

  According to family sources, not only is Sundling not familiar with his family's heritage and history, but the 29-year-old also appears more emotionally attached to the fictional characters in his comic books than to many of his blood relatives.

  "Josh has always loved those cartoons," said uncle Donald Grier, whom Sundling believes to be one of his father's friends from college. "I remember one time he cried after reading about Captain America, because the Captain's little helper guy had died."

  "It was weird because I'd never seen him cry before," Grier said. "Not even at Papa's funeral.

  Though Sundling is unaware that his grandmother was the first female valedictorian at La Crosse Central High, or that ancestors on his mother's side narrowly escaped famine by fleeing across the Atlantic with nothing but the clothes on their backs, he has been known to confidently discuss the histories of the Skrull, Kree, and Shi'ar civilizations. Sundling also has a working knowledge of Jean Grey's complex family tree, which contains multiple clones and characters from other realities.

  Sources confirmed that Sundling does not know his grandmother's maiden name.

  "It's so fascinating that Jean Grey and Cyclops had a child from an alternate future who ends up marrying Franklin Richards, who is the son of Mr. Fantastic and Invisible Woman," said the man who did not recognize his own nephew at the wedding. "And then their kid, Hyperstorm, travels back in time and attacks the Fantastic Four."

  "I've always been drawn to superhero pedigrees and how they pass traits down from one generation to the next," said Sundling, completely unaware that colon cancer runs in his family. "It'd just be cool to have something rare in common with your relatives."

  Outrageous Pictionary Drawing To Go Down In Area Family Lore

  IONIA, MI—A heated game night Pictionary match at the Anderson household ended memorably this past Friday, just moments after Aunt Denise somehow managed to guess Uncle Don's clumsily drawn sketch of a carburetor, in what family sources are calling "one for the record books."

  The Andersons show off the now-legendary drawing."It was just so funny," Caroline Anderson said of the game-winning drawing, a crude, misshapen scribble that those present could not believe resulted in a correct response. "Here's this weird thing that looks like something a kid would draw, and all of a sudden Denise throws up her hands and yells, 'Carburetor!'"

  Witnesses reported that at 9 p.m. Friday the score was tied among the Anderson's three Pictionary teams—Uncle Don and Aunt Denise, Cheryl and her husband, Russ, and Caroline and her fiancé, Gary Morley—with the game still up for grabs.

  At the time, no one predicted the dramatic finish that many now expect will be permanently chronicled in the annals of Anderson family lore, perhaps surpassing in its tellings the legendary occasion upon which Grandma Florence did the chicken dance at Cousin Marcia's wedding.

  "It's been quite the talk around here," said Cheryl Anderson, who hosted Friday's game night and as the family's unofficial archivist will be tasked with preserving accounts of the comical drawing for future generations. "Of course, the Andersons are kind of known for their stories. Like the time Lucille drove home from church and forgot that lasagna dish on the roof of her Honda. Or when Marcia made the pumpkin pie with a cup of salt instead of a cup of sugar."

  "What can I say?" Cheryl continued. "We do have our share of fun."

  Several different accounts of the Pictionary match will reportedly be put forth this Thanksgiving, when the tale formally takes its place in the oral tradition of the Anderson clan.

  Speaking to reporters Monday, Russ Anderson explained that what makes Uncle Don and Aunt Denise's Pictionary triumph memorable for him is that Denise managed to guess the word "carburetor" despite her near-complete ignorance of automobile components.

  "When we stalled coming home from that steakhouse last Fourth of July, I asked her when was the last time she had the spark plugs replaced, and she acted like I was speaking in Martian," Russ said. "But now, out of nowhere—carburetor? Come on!"

  Family members agreed, however, that the most amazing aspect of the victory was the fact that Aunt Denise, who herself admits she is more of a cribbage girl than a Pictionary whiz, answered correctly despite Uncle Don's primitive, childlike drawing.

  "You'd think the 'car' part of carburetor would be easy," said Morley, who acted as timekeeper during the turn. "But Don doodles this roller skate that has squiggles coming out of it for reasons I still don't get."

  "So yesterday, I asked Don with a totally straight face if he could recommend a reliable roller-skate mechanic," Morley added. "From now on, it's going to be 'skate' instead of 'car' whenever I'm around."

  According to family sources, with "car" decoded and 30 seconds to go in the round, Uncle Don frantically set about sketching a clue for the remainder of the word, his felt-tipped marker making wild and seemingly random strokes.

  With moments to spare, Aunt Denise suddenly hit upon the answer, a success she credits to a split-second insight she could only describe as "miraculous."

  When asked to comment on the potential legacy of the drawing, family members acknowledged that exhaustive descriptions of the picture are likely to become a standard ritual at family gatherings. At least three Andersons confirmed they would make mention of it in their toasts to Uncle Don and Aunt Denise when the couple celebrate their 30th wedding anniversary in 2010.

  "Funny thing is, Don himself tells the story best," said Cheryl Anderson, explaining that her brother gets all the little details right and does a "dead-on" Denise when recounting the Pictionary game. "Course, he's always been a real character."

  Cheryl Anderson told reporters she might even consider having the legendary drawing framed, or at least place it in her family scrapbook.

  Area Man Unsustainable, Experts Warn

  WASHINGTON—Unless immediate measures are taken, the delicate balance of local claims adjuster Doug Mahoney, 39, could soon collapse, an international panel of leading conservationists warned Monday.

  "Decades of irresponsible consumption, as well as the plundering of vital emotional resources have reduced this once-thriving human being to almost nothing," said Phillip Bowman, coauthor of the report and a professor of ecology at Stanford University. "It's frightening, but at the rate that he's going, Mr. Mahoney may be completely depleted by the year 2012."

  Added Bowman, "There's barely anything left of him as it is."

  According to the report, over the past 30 years a series of external pressures—including the monotony of work, dysfunctional personal relationships, and the frustrations of daily life—have wreaked havoc on the fragile Washington resident. A number of man-made disturbances, such as Mahoney's divorce and the death of his father, Jim, also contributed to the rapid physical and mental deterioration of the formerly pristine man, the report found.

  "The very future of Doug Mahoney is in jeopardy," said preservationist Barba
ra Schean, adding that Mahoney has eroded at an alarming rate since the realization that he is almost 40 set in last May. "By our calculations, his most nutrient-rich layers will be washed away by the end of the decade, leaving little more than a desiccated, middle-aged wasteland."

  Throughout his life, experts say, Mahoney has been repeatedly exploited and cut down by those in search of personal gain, most notably asshole bosses, manipulative friends, and several ex-girlfriends. Still, the rampant abuse of the 39-year-old continues, with recent findings indicating that it may not be long until Mahoney is wiped off the face of the earth.

  "He's being sucked completely dry," said ecologist Charles Stephenson, who claimed that Mahoney's degradation was exacerbated by such factors as being passed over for a promotion twice, and only finding comfort in his three nightly glasses of Jack Daniels. "Large businesses alone have utterly ravaged Doug, burning through the nonrenewable employee as they please."

  Most harmful of all, experts say, might have been the disruption caused by the introduction of a destructive species: a roommate Mahoney was forced to take on after losing his savings in the stock market earlier this year.

  "Even in the most controlled conditions, the introduction of a predatory entity into an ecosystem is very destabilizing," Stephenson said. "In this case, a parasitic tenant was imported into the environment after nothing more than an awkward 10-minute interview in Mahoney's living room."

  Despite the grim news, the report outlined a number of recommendations to preserve what little remains of Mahoney, including a gym membership, antidepressants, and maybe getting a fresh start in another city. But the experts warned that even if all these measures were implemented right away, the odds of completely halting the devastation were slim.

  "Unfortunately, Doug Mahoney does not have the recuperative power of, say, certain lichens that bounce back from reindeer overgrazing," Robillard explained. "So if you've always thought about visiting him, I'd do it right away."