Patchwork Dreams

by Laura Hilton

  “We haven’t talked to him yet, either. We’ll go with you,” Jacob said. He turned to Matthew. “Have you met Ben?”

  “Nein, not yet. I came with Joseph; he’s one of the buwe I’m rooming with.” Matthew looked around and pointed toward the fire. “He’s over there. He was going to introduce me, but then I saw you first.”

  “I can introduce you around,” Annie offered. “Both of you. Though Jacob might have met most everyone already.”

  That was probably true, though he didn’t remember anyone’s name. Except for Ben, and now Annie.

  Jacob adjusted his hand so that his fingers intertwined with Becky’s. He didn’t intend to let her out of his sight again.

  He supposed that the two of them would be fodder for gossip, but he didn’t mind so much. He’d seen the looks sent their way and the cupped hands concealing whispers. He wasn’t sure if the stir was because of Becky’s attendance or because she and her beau were being so demonstrative, but he shrugged it off. He’d never seen the point in trying to keep relationships a secret, anyway. People always found out. Might as well be up-front and open about it from the beginning. And if it kept people from matching Becky up with men like Amos, so much the better.

  “I see Ben, right over there.” Annie pointed to the far side of the bonfire. Then, with a glance around at the three of them that came just short of saying, “Line up now, scholars,” she led the way over.

  Jacob resisted the urge to fall in line and march like a soldier. He wondered if Becky and Matt felt the same way.

  Matthew glanced at Jacob, eyes narrowed, brow furrowed in concern. Jacob grinned and mouthed “schoolteacher.” Matthew nodded.

  Jah, she must be a wonderful teacher.

  Ben saw them coming, and his grin widened but abruptly turned into a scowl. Probably because he saw Jacob holding Becky’s hand.

  Jacob heard a tiny gasp come from Becky and felt her give a small tug to release herself.

  He held on tighter.

  When Ben’s eyes met his, Jacob lifted his chin, daring Ben to make something of it. Just don’t get involved with Daniel’s Becky…. The refrain rose to the surface of his memory.

  The way Becky tensed up beside him, he knew she remembered it, too.

  “Proverbs thirty-one, Ben,” Jacob said with a grin. “Might want to read it sometime.”

  Ben’s eyes widened slightly, and he glanced quickly at Becky.

  So did Jacob. Color flooded her cheeks, and she dipped her head. Beside her, Annie fixed her gaze on Jacob with something like respect shining in her eyes. A small smile appeared on her lips.

  But her words were directed toward Ben. “Happy birthday.”

  Jacob, Becky, and Matthew chorused the words after her. Then, Jacob gestured toward Matthew. “This is one of my best friends from Pennsylvania, Matthew Yoder. Matthew, this is Becky’s cousin, Ben Troyer.”

  “Nice to meet you, Ben,” Matthew said.

  Ben found his manners. “Nice to meet you, too, Matthew. Glad you could kum. Food’s set up over there by the haus. You should have some cake. Mamm made my favorite. It’s a white cake with Jell-O poured in.”

  “Sounds gut,” Jacob said. “We’ll see you later, then.”

  “Jah. I’m going to see about getting a volleyball game going.” Ben nodded toward the net set up on the near side of the barn.

  Jacob turned, still holding Becky’s hand, and they headed toward the tables piled high with finger food. He couldn’t hold back a grin. Ben had heard his message about Becky loud and clear. And, hopefully, that message would get around.

  After filling their plates, he and Becky, along with Matthew and Annie, found a place to sit where they could watch the frolic yet still visit.

  Jacob didn’t know how much time passed while they sat and talked, getting to know each other better. Neither he nor Matthew went to join the volleyball game. But with the rosy glow of the sunset long gone, and Annie yawning, it was probably time to head home. Several Amish teens had already left.

  Jacob stood and stretched.

  “Time to go?” Becky looked up at him.

  “Jah,” Annie said, getting to her feet. “I’m going to go straight to bed. Our rooster has got his internal alarm clock off and has been crowing at awful early hours. Daed is threatening to make him our dinner.”

  Matthew chuckled. “I see Joseph over there playing volleyball. Guess I could work my way into the game until he’s ready to go.” He nodded toward Annie, then Becky. “See you later. Tomorrow, Jacob.” He strode off.

  “You ready, Bex?”

  Becky nodded, helping Annie gather the paper dishes before she stood. “Jah. Just let me throw these into the fire.”

  Jacob trailed the girls to the fire, then found Ben to say good night. Finally, he tucked Becky’s hand into the crook of his arm and escorted her out into the darkness where the buggies waited. He tried to remember where they’d parked and, when he couldn’t, wondered how they’d find Daniel’s buggy.

  Becky didn’t seem to have that problem. She led him right to it, taking the time to pat the gelding on the nose and hand it a bit of carrot. “Gut, Shakespeare. Did you have a nice visit with the other horses?”

  Jacob laughed, amused at Becky talking to the horse as if she expected it to answer. “Shakespeare, huh? Why’d you name him after some playwright?”

  Becky gave him a mischievous glance. “That is what Daed brought home from the library the winter he gave me the horse. A big, thick book.”

  Jacob shook his head. “And you actually read it?”

  “It took me a while. Daed had to renew it twice.”

  “You still want to go to McDonald’s for that fancy coffee, ain’t so?” Jacob asked when Becky was settled in the buggy.

  She shook her head. “It’s awful late for a cappuccino. That would keep us up all night.”

  “I should have taken you there first.” He quirked his mouth. “But you’re right. Some other time. Besides, Matthew and I talked about going fishing tomorrow. How about you and Annie going with us?”

  “I have too much work to do in the kitchen tomorrow. This weekend is a church Sunday, and we’re hosting it.”

  Back home in Pennsylvania, the houses were designed with partitions that slid back to make one big room out of several smaller ones for church. Daniel’s house wasn’t designed that way. “Where will you hold it?”

  “The barn.” Becky shrugged as if to say, “Where else?”

  “Well, you’ll have some spare time, ain’t so? I’ll need you to show me how to get to the haus where Matthew is staying.”

  She was quiet a moment, then nodded. “I’ll go with you and Matthew tomorrow, after the work is done.”

  ***

  Jacob definitely affected her mind. Did she really think that she’d have time to go out and not only show him where his friend lived but also go fishing, when she had her chores to do and her baby to care for?

  She wouldn’t. Especially the day before church Sunday, when she’d be needed to help clean out the barn and make sure it was ready for the benches to be set up.

  Though Daed would have Jacob out there helping to set things up, too. The whole family worked together, especially after the cooking was done.

  In fact, she should have stayed home and helped out tonight instead of running off to the frolic. But she had enjoyed sitting and talking with Jacob, Annie, and Matthew. She’d even harbored brief daydreams of Annie and Matthew maybe starting to court, but she hadn’t seen any sparks between them tonight. Nothing besides casual interest.

  Had Annie and Matthew seen the attraction she felt for Jacob?

  Probably so. Annie was pretty astute. She always figured out who was courting whom long before Becky did. Of course, Annie usually attended the frolics and singings.

  At least, she had until Luke jumped the fence.

  Becky thought this was the first frolic Annie had attended since then, but she wasn’t sure.

  She let her mind wander back o
ver the evening. Ben had seemed so shocked when Jacob had shown up with her and called her a Proverbs 31 woman. She’d need to reread that chapter sometime, but it seemed that was his way of telling Ben that she was worthy.

  Worthy.

  She pulled in a deep breath, tears burning her eyes.

  If only she could believe that.

  Jacob reached out and let his arm settle on the back of the buggy seat. In a few minutes, his arm was wrapped around her shoulders, and he pulled her against him. “Want to go someplace and talk? I’m not ready to go back home yet.”

  Talk? Alone? Becky swallowed. Ach, but she was torn. She wanted to go talk, to hear him say what he really thought of her, convince her of her worth. But what if he couldn’t? And the truth was, she was ready to go home. It was long past Emma’s feeding time, but Mamm had probably given her some formula already. Becky couldn’t use her boppli as an excuse.

  Jacob’s hand lazily traced figures on her shoulder.

  If they were going to talk, then McDonald’s would be a good place. But the sensations she felt didn’t have much to do with wanting to talk. Besides, they were already going the opposite way. Becky swallowed. “Nein. I need to get home. Emma might need me.” She shrugged, instantly ashamed of her lie.

  She felt Jacob’s chest rise and fall with the breath he took. “Jah, probably so. Then, I’ll be looking forward to tomorrow.”

  His hand brushed against the bare skin of her neck. Accidentally, she was sure. But still, she shivered from the contact.

  She needed distance—physical and emotional. Ach, if only she could bring Susie up again. But then, why not?

  She did want to know if Jacob had decided to court her on the rebound. He’d said he’d wanted a break, but maybe he was just trying to save face after being dumped by his Susie.

  She gave him a sidelong look. “Does it bother you, Susie dating Timothy?”

  Jacob’s fingers froze. His hand moved off her shoulder. After another moment, he slid his arm from the back of the buggy seat and grasped the reins with both hands.

  Ach. Why couldn’t she leave well enough alone? Jacob probably thought she yanked him like a yo-yo, though she felt the same way inside.

  For a moment, she heard nothing but the rumble of buggy wheels and the clomping of horse hooves. Then, he finally spoke. “Does it bother you, being courted by me? Is that why you keep bringing up Susie?”

  ***

  He’d probably sounded harsher than he intended, which would explain why she’d winced. But he’d said he wanted to court her; he’d told her that he wanted to think about them as a couple, and that the intent was there to make a promise. Why did she insist on asking about his former love?

  Jacob expelled his breath with force. Nein, he hadn’t been in love with Susie, not really. Though what it would have been called, he wasn’t sure. Puppy love, perhaps? One thing he’d learned is that an instant flash of attraction doesn’t mean love. He had courted Susie, which had been all her idea. Come to think of it, she was the one who had brought up marriage and talked about it as if it were a decided fact. And he’d gone along with it, never giving much thought as to whether they should take that step. They had always disagreed about whether to join the church—Jacob wanted to be a member of the community and not an outcast, and Daed would have shunned him, even if the church wouldn’t have, if he’d left before baptism.

  Susie wanted to leave the Amish. She’d chafed at the rules. She’d even gotten her hair cut super-short and styled it in spikes colored redder than her natural strawberry blonde. At home, she’d hid it under her prayer kapp, and Jacob didn’t know if her parents had ever found out she’d cut it. He’d hated her new hairstyle. Begged her to grow it out.

  Jah, with hindsight, he could see why Daed was set against Susie. Especially now that Jacob had met Becky.

  Sweet, quiet, steady, dependable Becky.

  The type of woman any good Amish man would dream of marrying. The kind he could take home to Mamm and Daed without being ashamed. Daed would be thrilled to know about Becky.

  He opened his mouth to say something else when Becky stayed quiet. But he didn’t know what to say. Always Susie between them.

  His heart stuttered as he wondered if Daed and Daniel might have planned this out in advance. Knowing how Daed had wanted him away from Susie enough to lie about the reasons for his trip, and knowing how Daniel had tried his hand at matchmaking, he wouldn’t be surprised. But then, how could they have known? Hoped, maybe. But they couldn’t have known for certain that he would be attracted to her.

  He glanced at Becky, surprised to hear a sniff. Her face was turned away from him, but it didn’t take much imagination to realize she was crying. Or trying not to.

  She hadn’t answered his questions. Ach, he must have been harsher than he’d realized.

  But then, he hadn’t answered hers, either.

  And he still didn’t know what to say. Could he explain Susie’s pushiness and rebellion in a way Becky would understand?

  Chapter 23

  Jacob drove the buggy down the driveway and parked it in the barn. Becky tried to keep the tears from falling, but every now and then, one crept out of the corner of her eye, ran down her cheek, and dripped off her chin.

  Jah, Jacob was on the rebound. He didn’t say it, but then, he didn’t have to. He’d answered her question with a question. And she couldn’t answer him without betraying her heart.

  Jacob engaged the brake and hopped down from the buggy, coming around to her side before she had a chance to gather her skirts enough to turn sideways. The next thing she knew, he had lifted her down and pulled her into his arms. His strong hug felt comforting. Warm. Safe.

  His chest rose as he drew in a breath. “Bex, I’m sorry. Susie and I…I mean, I…um, nein. It didn’t bother me when Susie asked for a break. I planned to ask her for one, anyway, and I…well, as far as I’m concerned, Susie and I are over. And now I’m wondering whether I ever loved her. I think not. After all, would I be here courting you if I’d been in love with her? Nein, I’d be hopping on a bus back home and trying to win her back, ain’t so?”

  She supposed that made sense. Relief washed through her.

  His hands flattened against her back, pulling her nearer. “I haven’t written to tell her about you, but I’m sure she’ll be just as pleased that I found someone as I was to hear she did.”

  Becky blinked. “You’re going to tell Susie about me?” Not a good idea. She couldn’t imagine how Susie would react to that news.

  “Jah. Why not? I’m not ashamed of you.” He lifted a shoulder in a carefree shrug.

  Why not? Men were so clueless. She could think of a million reasons why not.

  Number one on the list was the phrase “Ich liebe dich” that Susie had written at the end of her letter.

  But how could Becky tell him that? She pulled away from him. “I need to go.”

  He released her but still blocked her way. “But you didn’t answer my question, Bex. Do you want to be courted by me? Simple answer. Jah or nein. Pick one.”

  Simple answer? If only he knew that it was anything but simple. She studied the dirt by their feet, wanting to say “Jah.” Truly, she did. But she couldn’t think of how to say it without sounding breathless with longing. She couldn’t give him that power. He’d end up hurting her, destroying her dreams—dreams that had only dared to peek out of the ground since being nurtured by the warmth of Jacob’s attention.

  But she couldn’t say “Nein,” either. That word would sound the death knell of their relationship, for sure.

  And she was still torn up inside over so many little things. What would Daed say if Jacob started courting her? On second thought, that wouldn’t be an issue. Daed seemed to be treating Jacob more like a son every day.

  The biggest question was, How did she know she could trust him?

  Words. All words.

  Jacob seemed to pick up on her hesitation. He sighed and stepped out of her way. “I’m going t
o pretend you didn’t give me permission to kiss you. Because no promises can be made as long as one of us is uncertain.” His voice sounded flat. Resigned. With every bit of life drained out of it.

  Guilt ate at her. She hadn’t meant to make him feel bad.

  “Gut nacht, Bex. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

  ***

  Ach, that hurt. He’d been anticipating their good-night kiss almost the whole way home. Instead, they hadn’t kissed, and it seemed they were back on shaky ground. That solid barn wall had resurrected itself, leaving his heart battered and bruised.

  After unhitching Shakespeare and putting him up in the stall, Jacob snuck into the dawdi-haus and upstairs to bed. Turning the gas light on in his bedroom, he decided to take a few minutes to write that note to Susie before saying his prayers and crawling into bed. It wouldn’t take long.

  Thinking of Susie triggered another thought, and he dug into the dark recesses of his suitcase until he found his cell phone. Flipped it on. Low battery. Yeah, he’d figured that. But he hadn’t figured on having so many missed calls.

  He’d ask Daniel about charging it up tomorrow.

  He turned the phone off, slipped it into his pants’ pocket, and dug into the suitcase again, looking for the plain white paper and stamped envelopes Mamm had sent with him when she’d given him orders to correspond.

  He needed to write another letter home, too. Mamm had sent him at least three letters that he hadn’t answered. Other than the letter he’d written when he’d first arrived, he hadn’t sent anything home. So much for being a faithful son.

  His family would be sleeping now. But what had they done that day? Grossmammi had probably fried up some apple fritters. His stomach rumbled. Best not to think of food at this hour.

  He decided to put off writing to his family until he’d written to Susie and officially ended that relationship. It was done. Finished.

  No matter what happened with Becky.

  Dear Susie,

  Danki for your note. Glad you are doing well. I had a gut trip down to Missouri. Cousin Daniel has a blacksmith shop and has been teaching me.