Almost a Winner

by Molly B. Burnham

  We finally head down to the cafeteria to set up our projects. Kids from the other two fourth-grade classes are already there. Each invention has a table, and the room is split in half so students can still eat lunch while the inventors’ fair goes on. There are so many different projects, it boggles my mind.

  Strange but true, the record for most nails hammered into a piece of wood in one minute is 24. My heart is pounding faster than the hammer that broke that record. And I can honestly say, it’s fast.

  INVENTORS’ FAIR: THINGS I WASN’T PREPARED FOR

  1. How scary it is to have a schoolful of students walking through and looking at what you’ve made.

  2. How easy they think it is to make an invention and how they enjoy telling us what they would do differently.

  3. How funny squeezing poo out of a fake dog is. No matter how many times you do it, it’s always hilarious. And especially when it makes a farting noise for no reason that we can explain.

  INVENTORS’ FAIR: THINGS I WASN’T PREPARED FOR PART 2

  There are a lot of amazing inventions. My favorites are:

  1. The Ping-Pong Ball Shooter, which keeps shooting balls across the room so you can play even when you’re by yourself.

  2. The Wave Creator, to make it more exciting for a fish in its bowl—I don’t know how the fish actually feels about this, but it makes me feel seasick just thinking about it.

  3. The Deaf Cat Caller gets the attention of a deaf cat! I didn’t even know there were deaf cats, but between the catnip, the laser pointer, and the fuzzy balls, it must work. It definitely works on everyone here.

  As much as I like all these, I’m still confident we will win. I mean, really, how could we lose with a poo catcher?

  INVENTORS’ FAIR: THINGS I WASN’T PREPARED FOR PART 3

  1. We have to stay here all day. My feet are killing me.

  2. It’s a super-hot day, and the cafeteria is the worst place to be on a hot day. It makes you feel like you’re being baked for lunch.

  3. Parents show up asking lots of serious questions, like, “How is this an invention?” Why do they ask stuff like that?

  SHE DIDN’T!

  Viva’s mom is one of the first parents to arrive. She wanders around asking loads of questions. Lonnie’s mom and dad both come. Lewis sees his mom and dad holding hands when they walk in. “Ew!” he says. “They’re so gross.” They might be gross, but they’re not at all the way he described. From his description I thought they’d be fighting the whole time.

  Then Mom walks in! I can’t believe it. She never comes to school events. She’s usually got her hands full with The Destructor, and I’m just wondering how she got rid of him, when a wing pokes out from behind her. “Oh no!” I say. “She didn’t!”

  Lewis looks at me. “She didn’t what?”

  Then a pigeon head sticks out. “Oh,” I say. “She did!”

  “She did what?” Cornelio asks.

  “How could she?” I say. “Doesn’t she know what he’ll do?”

  “What who will do?” Ny says.

  I turn to my group and say, “Guard the invention. My brother is here.”

  Mom comes over; she’s holding The Destructor by the hand, but he’s tugging to get away. I watch The Destructor flap over to Lonnie and Viva. Mom introduces herself to my group and admires our invention.

  “How do you get the poo to come out?” she asks.

  Ny says, “That was Teddy’s idea. He brought in a play-dough kit.”

  I go red in the face as Mom says, “Really? Is it by any chance the pasta-making one?”

  “That’s right,” Cornelio says. “It works really well. Want to try it?”

  I know I should explain, but I can’t take my eyes off Lonnie, Viva, and The Destructor, who look over at me. The Destructor smiles.

  And it’s not a nice smile.

  AND IF THAT WASN’T ENOUGH

  Ms. Raffeli comes over and says, “Things are looking really good!” She sounds almost giddy. “You’re getting a lot of votes!” And she trots off to the help Go Kid Go Wagon team, who has gotten jammed under a lunch table.

  I can’t describe how good I feel right now. It almost takes my mind off what The Destructor was up to with Lonnie and Viva.

  Mom and The Destructor wander back over. Lewis is demonstrating our invention for a bunch of fourth graders, while Mom tells me how proud she is of me, even if we will be talking about the stolen pasta kit later.

  Just then I hear a kid screech, “He ate the poo!”

  And another kid yells, “Gross!”

  I turn around in time to see The Destructor shoving the poo into his mouth.

  “Jake!” Mom shouts. But it’s too late. He eats all our poo.

  “I love that stuff!” The Destructor says as Mom pulls him away.

  Strange but true, the loudest animal sound comes from blue whales and fin whales, the loudest insect is the African cicada, and the loudest land animal is the male howler monkey.

  I don’t care how loud those are, if I weren’t in the middle of the inventors’ fair, I’d scream louder than all of them, because The Destructor just struck again.

  INVENTORS’ FAIR: THINGS I WASN’T PREPARED FOR PART 4

  1. The Destructor eating our poo.

  2. Not having any poo means no more demonstrations, and there are two more grades still to come through.

  3. The disappointed looks of those two grades when we tell them we’re out of poo.

  4. Lonnie and Viva glaring at me for the rest of the inventors’ fair.

  5. That I’m actually glad that the inventors’ fair is over.

  FREE TIME

  We’re back in the classroom and Ms. Raffeli says, “Well, now all we can do is wait.”

  She gives us free time for the rest of the day, which sounds better than it actually is, because there’s only a half an hour left to the school day. On top of that, I can’t stop thinking about how we’ll lose the inventors’ fair because The Destructor ate all our poo, but no one wants to talk about that. All they can talk about is the plastic bag record. Everyone, that is, except Lonnie and Viva, who are not talking to me at all. I have a pretty good idea what The Destructor said to them, but I am not saying a thing until they do.

  If Lonnie and Viva were really Jedis, they would talk to me. But they aren’t, which means they believe him or they’ve joined the dark side.

  Either way, there’s no saving them. And for this first time in my life I can’t wait for free time to be over.

  LOSING MY APPETITE

  I’m downstairs in the kitchen having a snack. Mom and Dad come out of the bathroom together. I guess Mom decided to ask for help with the toilet.

  “You did it perfectly,” Dad says. “You can’t help it if a ball of play dough got stuck down there. It happened with a sock before.”

  “Gee!” I say. “I wonder who did that?”

  They don’t answer me because they’re kissing. After all their fighting, this is a real surprise.

  Just then, Sharon stomps in. “Well, that’s it. The little beast is obviously not going to get sick and the play is tonight, which means I’m going to be a dumb orphan, while she has her moment to shine.”

  “Don’t worry,” Mom says. “We’ll all be there rooting for you, even if you are only a dumb orphan.”

  “That’s exactly what I don’t want,” Sharon says, and huffs off. I hear the upstairs bathroom door slam.

  For once Sharon and I are in agreement. I don’t want to go to her play either. After the day I’ve had, just thinking about it makes me feel sick to my stomach.

  Mom turns to Dad. “Can I help you with dinner tonight?”

  “I cannot tell you,” Dad says, “how much I would like that.”

  I watch as they pull out pots and pans and start cooking together.

  I’d like to tell them how much I like this, because finally we’ll have something edible to eat, but they’re being so lovey-dovey that I actually lose my appetite. I have to leave the
room; it’s the only way I think I might get hungry again.

  I’M NOT GOING TO ENJOY IT

  After dinner, which was really delicious, even though my parents are gross, I climb into bed. There isn’t anywhere else that I want to be. I can’t get over the fact that I really had a chance at winning the inventors’ fair, and my brother messed it up.

  There’s a knock on the door, and Dad says, “Time to go.”

  “I don’t want to go,” I say.

  Dad says, “We’re going.”

  “Why should I go?”

  “Because we’re a family.”

  “You and Mom have not been acting like a family.”

  He looks confused, so I explain. “You’ve been fighting for weeks over who’s doing what job, and suddenly tonight you’re nice to each other, and we’re all supposed to be a happy family? Well, I don’t feel like it.”

  Dad is real quiet. “We’re going to your sister’s play.”

  I can tell by his voice that he means it. So I get out of bed.

  “I’m not going to enjoy it,” I say.

  “You don’t have to,” he says. “Life is not always fun. Sometimes we just have to show up and somehow that it makes it all better.”

  THE PLAY

  Lonnie and Viva arrive together. I scrunch down low in my seat so they can’t see me.

  Mom says, “Teddy, there’s Lonnie and Viva. Don’t you want to sit with them?”

  I scrunch down lower.

  “I don’t know what is going on with the three of you,” Mom says, “but I hope you sort it out.”

  I don’t say anything to Mom, but I don’t know how we’ll sort it out. And it’s all The Destructor’s fault.

  Finally the lights dim and the show starts. I hate to say it, I didn’t think it would be a great night, but in the end I had a good time—a really good time. Sharon is a real star, even if she’s not Annie.

  In fact, I wouldn’t want to be Annie. It’s easy to stand out when you play the part of the main kid. But Sharon played one of the sad orphans left behind when Annie goes off to the mansion, and she did a good job. I totally believed she was an orphan and not my sister. I really felt bad for her, stuck at that orphanage with the horrible Miss Hannigan.

  We’re about to leave the theater, but Grace dashes off. “I want an interview,” she yells. A few minutes later we see her talking to Sharon. Sharon is smiling her face off. So is Grace.

  Jerome walks past them. He stops and looks at Sharon like he’s got something to say, and then turns away.

  But that’s when Sharon shouts, “Hey! Jerome!” She motions for him to come over, and he does, and Grace interviews him, too. And then—this part I wouldn’t believe if I hadn’t seen it with my own eyes—but Sharon pulls over the girl who played Annie and introduces her to Grace. Then Sharon grabs Jerome and they walk away arm in arm, leaving Grace talking to the Annie girl.

  For about a second I feel really happy. Then I see Lonnie and Viva. Strange but true, the most venomous jellyfish in the world is the box jellyfish, also known as Flecker’s sea wasp. And even though I know Lonnie and Viva and I aren’t friends anymore, when they walk straight past me and don’t say anything, it hurts as much as if I were stung by that jellyfish.

  CLOSE THE DOOR

  The next morning I wake up so early it’s still dark outside. I don’t feel good at all. It’s not the kind of not good that comes from eating the most powdered doughnuts in three minutes (6). It’s the kind of not good that would come from parachuting out of a rocket 127,852 feet above Earth like Felix Baumgartner did. It’s the kind of not good feeling that makes me feel antsy, and twitchy, and not able to stay in bed.

  The Destructor is snoring. I look at the clock. I’ve got an hour until he’ll wake up. I sneak out of bed, grab some clothes, and go to the aviary. I don’t know why I do this, but I figure I can slip in, hang out a little with the pigeons, and be gone before either Grumpy Pigeon Man or The Destructor arrives. I miss the pigeons.

  It feels like forever since I’ve been out here. I turn over a bucket and sit listening to the quiet sounds the pigeons make, fluffing and cooing. It’s cozy and warm. It would be good to be a pigeon.

  The sun starts coming into the aviary. I’m surprised The Destructor hasn’t shown up yet. I think about leaving, but I can’t. It’s like I’m glued to my spot, which has a lot to do with the fact that Obi-Wan Kenobi, Stass Allie, Yoda, and Ima-Gun Di are all sitting on me. I can’t think of the last time I felt this happy.

  Then The Destructor crashes in. He stands in the doorway. “What did you do with them?” he asks.

  “Close the door!” I say.

  He doesn’t move. “The plastic bags?” he says. “What did you do with them?”

  “None of your business.”

  “You never want to share anything!” The Destructor hollers.

  “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  He’s still standing in the door, like he can’t decide if he’s coming in or going out.

  “Exactly what it means. You don’t share.”

  And as I stand there taking in what he’s just said, Admiral Ackbar flies up to The Destructor and straight out the door. Princess Leia, Jar Jar Binks, C-3PO, and Paploo follow, swooping past The Destructor like starfighters. The Destructor is frozen, unable to move even as the four Jedi pigeons swoop out, beating their wings against his face.

  “Close the door!” I shout, but with all the flapping, he can’t do anything except cover his face with his own wing as more and more pigeons slip out, following Admiral Ackbar to freedom.

  I run to the door and watch as they fly higher.

  The Destructor cries, “I don’t have my slingshot!”

  HAWK

  We watch as the pigeons fly around, silenced by what just happened and not able to do a thing. The Destructor’s eyes dart around the sky, and then he points. I’m about to get Grumpy Pigeon Man when The Destructor hollers, “There! There it is!”

  I look up. The Destructor is right. A hawk circles above the pigeons.

  “Do something!” he yells.

  “Do something?” I say. “What can I do?” I look around, trying to find some way to warn the pigeons, to call them back home. I don’t have a slingshot, and even if I did, I couldn’t hit a hawk with it.

  And then I think of it. Food! The pigeons haven’t eaten yet and must be hungry. Grumpy Pigeon Man said he only lets them out before they eat. I run into the aviary and grab their food bowl. I scoop food in and run back outside. The hawk is circling above the flock. They don’t notice the danger at all. I shake the food. I don’t know if they can hear.

  I shake the food again, rattling it more and more. The hawk circles closer and closer, then it dives. I shake the food harder. The pigeons swerve sharply down, careening toward me. “Hold the door open,” I yell at The Destructor, who pulls it open and stands out of the way as a cascade of birds flies into the aviary. The Destructor slams the door closed to keep them in.

  Three pigeons are still out. Paploo, C-3PO, and Admiral Ackbar. I fling food on the ground. “Land,” I beg. “Come on and land.”

  The hawk is diving again. Going for Paploo. The hawk’s talons are out, about to grab the bird, but at the last minute, Admiral Ackbar dives at it, attacking the hawk, distracting it. I shake the food more. C-3PO guides Paploo down as the hawk and Admiral Ackbar twist and turn in the sky. They’re caught in each other’s feet and wings. Admiral Ackbar beats his wings. The hawk loses its grip and drops Admiral Ackbar. The hawk rights itself, then attacks again, but Admiral Ackbar is ready. He flings himself at the hawk, driving the hawk away with his wings, and feet, and beak. Finally the hawk turns sharply and flies off. Admiral Ackbar flaps down and collapses at my feet.

  “He’s bleeding,” I say as I scoop him up in my hands. “Get Grump—Mr. Marney. Quick!”

  The Destructor runs to Grumpy Pigeon Man’s house and bangs on his door.

  Mr. Marney comes out, rubbing his eyes. “For the love of pig
eon food, what’s going on?!” he hollers.

  The Destructor pulls him over to me, his eyes full of tears. “Hawk,” he squeaks.

  SHARING

  The Destructor is so upset we call Mom, who comes and takes him home. Grumpy Pigeon Man and I stay in the aviary with Admiral Ackbar.

  Grumpy Pigeon Man passes Admiral Ackbar to me. “Gentle, he’s not a bag of frozen peas,” he grumps, as if I was being anything but gentle. I’m so scared I’ll hurt him that I’m being more careful than if I was touching the tallest homegrown cactus (78.8 feet).

  He takes out the pigeons’ first aid kit, grabs a bottle, and dumps some liquid from it on a cotton ball. He carefully wipes Admiral Ackbar’s cuts. Next he pulls out a drinking straw, cuts the straw in half, and makes a slit down the middle. “Hold out the hurt leg,” he says. He slips the straw onto Admiral Ackbar’s leg like a cast, then grabs some bandages and wraps them around the cast. He places a hot-water bottle wrapped in towels in a box. “Put him in here,” Mr. Marney says. “Careful!”

  “I am being careful!” I snap. Grumpy Pigeon Man ignores me. “What’s going to happen to him?” I ask more quietly.

  “He needs rest and warmth. He’ll live in the house for a while, where I can keep an eye on him.” Grumpy Pigeon Man adjusts the towels. “I’ve seen worse.”

  “He was so brave,” I say. “If it wasn’t for him, I don’t know what would have happened.”

  Grumpy Pigeon Man pets Admiral Ackbar.

  “It’s not my fau—” I start to say, but I stop.

  “What were you doing here? You said you quit.”

  “I know that’s what you want.”

  He looks at me. “Where’d you get that idea?”

  “All the time you spend with The Destructor. How you let him do everything. Come here whenever he wants.”

  Grumpy Pigeon Man shakes his head and sighs. “Tent Boy, I hired you to take care of these birds. I know you love them. But you don’t get to be the only one. That would be like inventing electricity and never sharing it. It’s a bad way to live.”