Wreckless

by Bria Quinlan

  There seemed to be a lot of skin showing. I could even see my bra and its straps. There was no way I was going out showing off my bra. Leah and I had argued about the straps. Her solution was to take it off. The bra, not the dress. I liked my solution better.

  It was an easy fix. Shrugging the top of the dress off, I pulled a little white t-shirt over my head and slipped the dress straps back up over my shoulders.

  Perfect.

  Loosening my long braid, I brushed my hair out before reworking it. Braided, it fell past my waist, but that kept it under control. It was a lot of hair. I'd been meaning to donate ten inches to Locks of Love for a few months, but kept forgetting. Which made me feel like a horrible person.

  I mean, here I was with all this hair—hair I’d been growing out for over three years—and there were kids out there having to deal with one more thing because of hair loss due to a horrible, horrible disease. But every time I thought about going to get it done… Yeah.

  Snagging a pair of socks, I did the one thing I’d actually promised Leah I wouldn't do: I put tennis shoes on with the dress. I couldn't help it if she was all about appearance and I was all about comfort.

  Tanner never mentioned my very-laid-back look. If your boyfriend isn't bothered by your clothes, then no one really should be.

  I stuck some money in the pocket of my sweater then tied it around my waist. It bunched up the skirt a little, but the dress was still really cute.

  Now all I had to do was get across town and find Tanner before I rethought wearing this red scrap of fabric out in public.

  My mother was still in the kitchen, pre-making cookie batter to freeze in case of an “emergency.” She held a strong belief that you never knew when someone would stop by and you would want fresh cookies in under twelve minutes.

  “Mama, I need a ride to the fair.” This had better not be a problem.

  “Bridget, it's all the way out past Dawson's.”

  “Yes, and I'd have been there already if someone hadn't mistakenly grounded me.”

  She finally turned to face me. I could tell she was annoyed, but I had no idea how any of this was my fault.

  “I thought Tanner was picking you up.”

  “He was, but I had to cancel on him when I was wrongfully grounded.” I paused and let that sink in. “Besides, he's already there now, and obviously there's no cell reception.”

  My daddy wandered into the kitchen, glanced between us, and could see things weren't back to the normal, happy-comfyness typical in the Larson house.

  “I have to go to Agway.” He set down the ever-present coffee mug he carried around, his gaze skipping to my mother before jumping back to me. “Why don't I just run her out to the fair? Then I’ll swing by the store to pickup that equipment invoice.”

  Mama looked relieved. For some reason, she seemed to be carrying a shovelful of residual anger over the cheating that never happened. I didn’t get it. It wasn’t like this was just one more thing. This was the only thing. Not to mention a fake thing.

  She turned back to the counter and measured out an even cup of flour. “You'll just make it if you leave now.”

  I didn't want to go out like that—with her still inexplicably upset with me. My daddy headed out the back door and let the wooden frame of the screen door fall shut behind him. The low rev of his truck’s engine turning over filled the quiet as Mama kept kneading that emergency cookie dough. I knew he was waiting for me, but I headed toward the sink instead.

  “I'm not sure why you're angry with me.” The words slipped out in a whisper. As soon as I heard them, I started to shake, upset washing over me now that I wasn’t as focused on getting to the fair. And Tanner.

  Her hands came out of the bowl and she braced them against the edge of the counter. With her gaze still locked on something beyond the window, she yanked the dishtowel off the oven door’s handle to brush the loose flour off her hands before turning around.

  “I'm sorry, sugar. I'm not mad at you. It's just... I'd forgotten what it felt like. It's taking me a little while to backtrack out of it again.” She wrapped her arms around me. “You're one-hundred percent right. Now go climb in the truck and argue with your daddy about your curfew.”

  I gave her a quick squeeze, glad that was over, and backed away quickly to avoid the memory-swamp she was feeling—that I was feeling—even if it wasn't my fault.

  The truck rumbled down the lane, its old frame carrying us away from the farmhouse we lived in…and my grandparents had lived in…and my great-grandparents had built. My father, usually a quiet man when football and boyfriends weren’t involved, cleared his throat.

  “Do you have your phone?” He shifted and pulled out onto the road, not glancing my way.

  “There's no reception out there.”

  “Bridget Anja, that's no reason not to carry your phone.”

  Since I'd lost three phones already this year, it seemed like the perfect reason. Why carry something that wasn't going to work? The darn thing only got reception in town and school, anyway. And if I was in either of those places, all six hundred and sixteen people in Greenville knew who I was and would loan me a phone if I needed it. Or drive me somewhere. Or call my parents. Or the four billion other things you wished they wouldn't do in a small town but couldn’t seem to help themselves as they did them anyway.

  But this was just another example of my parent’s paranoia: bring the phone even if it doesn’t work. As if there was secretly an In Case of Emergency, Press Here For Magic Cell Reception button on an inner panel.

  Or not.

  “Daddy, I already called Tanner. I know they’re not getting reception out there.”

  “So,” he continued, “how are you getting home?”

  I loved that we had to have this conversation. There wasn’t a male under forty he trusted. Tanner topped that list.

  “Tanner will drive me home.”

  “I want you home at ten.”

  If we hadn't done this so many times it was practically scripted, I'd have been worried.

  “It takes thirty minutes just to get out there. By the time I find Tanner, it will be eight. Then the drive home. Plus, I'm sixteen and it's a Saturday.” I could already see the sky lit up across the field from the flashing neons of the fair. The whir of generators and music rumbled over one another in the distance as we turned onto the dirt road. “You know you're going to just cave and say midnight. Since we're almost there, why don't we skip the fake negotiations?”

  “Bridget, I just want you safe.”

  I grinned at him. Just because he was quieter than my mom didn’t mean he was any less focused.

  “I know, Daddy. But Tanner's a good guy. And I am Ms. Safety-and-Responsibility. It's hyphenated like the last names of those rich New York ladies who come here in the spring antiquing.”

  He gawfed—Dad's version of laughing when he didn't want to.

  “And,” I continued, “I’m betting you didn’t have Mama home at ten that first year you took her to the fair.”

  “Yes, but I was courting your mama. If I thought that boy was going to stick, you’d still be grounded.”

  “Daddy, we’re already married. Last weekend we jetted off to Vegas and Elvis held my flowers while I swore my undying love. You can start calling me Mrs. Novak.”

  This time he actually laughed.

  “See? It could be worse. Midnight looks pretty good now, right?”

  “Fine.” He slowed to let a pair of teenagers cross from the parking lot into the lit walkway of the fair as he pulled to the side. “Since it's the fair, eleven thirty.”

  Knowing the compromising was done, I unbuckled my safety belt and hugged him as he put the truck in park.

  “Thanks, Daddy.” I climbed out of the truck and pushed the door shut and stuck my head back through the window. “Don't wait up.”

  He grumbled something that sounded remarkably like, “As if,” and drove away.

  I breathed in the deep taste of turned up dust against th
e heady scent of popcorn and sweet roasted nuts. The noise and lights bled through the edges of the world, lighting it in a rainbow of unnatural colors as I wove through the crowd. Beyond the fact that it was five miles past the middle of nowhere, the location was perfect. Far enough out that it felt like a trip. Plus, it was at the corner where Greenville met two other towns so half the county came out.

  It felt…exotic. Or as close to exotic as I could ever hope to get.

  I passed strangers—an uncommon occurrence—and realized most of the people I saw on my first loop around the grounds had no idea who I was. There was no preconception of how to treat me or what I may or may not be capable of. There were none of the looks people who knew about the past usually gave me.

  Every now and then I'd catch a glimpse of a familiar face. A few people smiled safely from a distance. Just like usual. The magic of the fair only went so far.

  It was a good reminder how lucky I was to have had Leah as a friend since birth. We'd been through everything together. Even now, as she'd seemed to have gotten more popular, it was comforting to know I was still her best friend.

  Some things never changed, thank goodness.

  Life was good as long as you had a core. I’d never needed a big circle of friends. Just a small, tight reliable one. Over the years, that circle had dwindled down to Leah, but neither of us seemed to mind.

  I tightened the sweater knotted around my waist as I scanned the crowd for Tanner. I’d made almost a full lap of the rides, avoiding the barns since I really couldn’t imagine him and his guys standing around the 4-H incubator watching baby chicks hatch.

  Hopefully he'd gotten whatever rides he wanted to go on out of his system already. I wasn't big on the rides. Every year you heard about some kids who died on something. Fairground safety standards were notoriously sub par… Even the Tea Cups had their dangers.

  I was a little nervous that my surprising Tanner was going to turn into a mess if he had changed his plans. At the very end of my loop as I was almost back to the parking lot, I wove through the concession area.

  Across the crowd, I saw Tanner's best friend, Tom. He wasn't hard to spot at six-foot-three. He'd always been friendly, even if he had been a little surprised when Tanner had started dating me—that nobody-girl who tutored him.

  Still, Tom had once told me I’d become key to keeping Tanner even. It might have been one of the nicest things anyone had ever said to me.

  I knew we weren’t matchy-matchy. I was probably as surprised as the rest of the school when Tanner asked me out—maybe even more so. But there was no way I’d’ve said no. Tanner was a golden boy. He may not have been The Golden Boy, but he was certainly living inside the glow. I often wondered if he felt edged out by the senior who led that pack. If maybe, just maybe, he was looking forward to senior year so he’d be the one starting every game, captaining the team…the focus of all that special attention.

  More often than not, he sat out at least the first half of the game and typically only went in as the closer.

  My father was a big believer in The Closer, but Tanner…Tanner wanted more. Sometimes I thought he wanted everything.

  But there he was—before senior year, before the chance to head off to college and be someone new somewhere else—there he was with me.

  I'd never felt so complimented in my life as when he’d asked me out. When someone like Tanner likes you, it's because he can be himself with you. I got the real Tanner and no one knew that but me.

  I headed toward the place where the back of Tom's head stuck out over the crowd. I could see bits and pieces of the group hanging around, gathered about a picnic table. That was the only downside of nights like this. The dealing with all the people. No matter how nice they were.

  It's not that I didn’t like people. I just never knew what to say. Whenever I opened my mouth, it felt like everyone was humoring me. I don't know how I was the only one in our class who still felt twelve, but that seemed to be true. I just felt too young—too not ready—for a lot of the things they talked about. And so I ended up standing there, not getting the jokes, and knowing how dim I must seem to everyone.

  I paused for a moment, knowing I could wander around a little more and put off the inevitable until a little later. But that was just dumb. No one had ever purposefully made me feel unwelcome, and after the battle it had taken to get there, wasting part of my night with Tanner seemed even more dim.

  The pathway to the picnic tables was clogged where group of guys in our rival Fairview Hawks varsity jackets stood. I wasn't surprised when they didn't get out of my way. It wasn't like I was noticeable by teen-guy standards.

  I squeezed between two of them only to almost walk into a third. They pretty much ignored me while they talked about whatever party they were heading to from there.

  At least the last guy stepped aside as I brushed by his black t-shirt-clad torso. I glanced up to say thank you, but he never shifted his gaze from his teammates. At least I was quasi-visible to one person. One very intense-looking person. While the other guys were laughing, he was watching the leader of the pack like the guy could spring at him any second. But he’d been aware enough of me to let me by. Bonus points for intense guy…even if the bonus points got him all the way from zero to two.

  I pushed past him, knowing that annoying someone so focused probably wasn’t in my best interest. I definitely was glad not to be sticking around that area.

  Then the crowd broke again, and I saw Tanner sitting on top of a picnic table with Leah beside him. At least I'd have two people to talk to. I took a deep breath and stepped from the crowd as Leah leaned over to say something to Tanner.

  His hand swept up her leg, the tips of his fingers just under the hem of her denim miniskirt. He pulled her legs over his own, leaving her practically sitting on his lap and let her finish whispering whatever it was in his ear as he brushed a kiss on the edge of her neck, then ran his chin up her jaw.

  I froze.

  I couldn't have moved if I'd been shoved. I probably would have just tipped over and landed in the dust and grime around me.

  There were only two people outside of my parents who I trusted and cared about. Apparently those two people trusted and cared about each other, too.

  But the unbelievable thing—the absolutely mind-blowing part of it all—was that it didn't seem odd to anyone.

  Everyone was just hanging out as if it were normal while my boyfriend cheated on me with my best friend.

  In public.

  If I was another type of girl, I might have rushed over there and... I'm not sure. I couldn't even work up enough self-preservation to move, let alone go on the attack.

  I just stood there watching them. Horrified. Embarrassed. In more pain than I'd been in for a very long time.

  It could have been five seconds, it could have been five minutes, but eventually, Tanner looked up. His eyes met mine over a group of junior high kids walking by with iced lemonades. I watched as he slowly—really, embarrassingly slowly—realized he was caught.

  The smile slipped from his lips and he gave Leah's legs a slight push off of his lap as he hopped down from the picnic table.

  Their entire group turned as one to see what he was moving toward. Somehow I registered their expressions—mixtures of pity and glee—as he came at me. Behind him, Leah stood on the table’s bench watching, as if none of this had anything to do with her.

  A family got between us and, as soon as the connection with Tanner was broken, I could move again. The last thing I wanted was to talk to him. To let that hand that had just been caressing my best friend—ex-best friend—touch me.

  I rushed through the crowd, not sure where I was going. Just away. Which was pretty darn hard, since we were in the middle of nowhere.

  At the edge of the tents, the same group of guys stood, watching me run at them. I couldn't believe they weren't going to get out of my way. The one without a letter jacket—the intense one—stuck an arm out and pushed a guy out of my way as I
turned sideways and forced my way through, trying to ignore the snickers.

  The only upside was they weren’t wearing our school’s colors. The last thing I needed right then was to deal with jocks from my own school. They'd probably stop me for Tanner to humiliate further. It was probably some type of jock brotherhood code or something.

  And really, who cared if I was a point of pity at two schools? It only took one to make me feel like I never wanted to leave my house ever again.

  The game stands lining the edge of the fair came into view. I hoped I was breaking back out into the parking lot and not some blocked-off back area. If there was anything like good luck in my life, my father had run into a buddy and was still out there.

  “Bridget!”

  I glanced behind me, surprised Tanner was still tracking me. Surprised he was bothering. Another group came between us and I rushed out into the back parking lot. I sprinted over two lanes, glad somewhere in the back of my mind that Leah had never talked me out of my sneakers.

  My stomach heaved and I gave a sick laugh that I was the only one there to hear.

  Leah.

  Yeah, because all her advice was obviously trustworthy.

  I dove between two trucks and squatted next to the front tire of a beat-up, black Chevy. The music and the lights continued to pound away just over the top of the nearest concession trailer while my own breathing huffed in and out loud enough to be heard over them.

  “Bridget!”

  I heard Tanner's voice off to the right, close to the edge of the fair. I wanted to stand up and see him, to see how close he was. I wanted to step into the lane and somehow let him make everything better. I wanted to go home, to start the day over.

  I peeked around the back of the front tire, trying to see past the bottom of the truck. The only thing in my line of vision was the long shadows that flashed in and out from the lights of the Tilt-a-Whirl.

  “Are you okay?” a deep voice broke through my panicked.

  I glanced up from where I’d practically crawled behind the oversized tire. A guy about my age in a dark t-shirt and dark military style hat came around the front of the hood and stopped right where my butt was waving in the air. Looking closer, he was the intense guy in the Hawks group I'd had to push through. The one who’d stepped aside but hadn’t bothered looking at me.