by Lois Richer
“So you acted out before the wedding. Okay. But why take off after the wedding, after that heart-to-heart we shared?” Sam knew from the silence that followed that the answer wasn’t easy for her.
“That night, when we arrived home after the wedding, she had guests over.” The whisper-soft words brimmed with pain. “Some of my friends showed up a bit later, and I went out drinking with them. I have no excuse except I couldn’t take knowing Marina had everything I ever wanted. I came home drunk. I’d never done that before, but I hurt so much. I thought if I drank enough, it would blot out losing Jake.”
“I wish you’d called me,” he said.
“I wish I had, too.” She smiled grimly. “I was half out of it when Mom lit into me. She said I was an embarrassment to the family, always had been.” A brokenness in her voice slammed Sam in the gut. “There was a lot of condemnation about how I was a big disappointment. What was there about me to make her proud? I’d never been the stellar student Marina was. I never won a scholarship or shone at public speaking. She had to push me into summer missions, and even there I was only average. I was a year out of school, fresh out of Bible college and I still had no plan for my life, no future goals like her friends’ kids. She said she didn’t want a daughter she was ashamed of.”
Sam sucked in his breath through his teeth, furious at the hurtful words. Shame filled Kelly’s face.
“I guess I deserved it. I was an idiot, living on the edge. But to hear her say that...” Her voice broke. She paused, inhaled and knotted her fingers. “It hurt so badly, but I could have taken it. Until she said I’d never find a husband like Marina had because what man would want someone like me, someone who never amounted to anything. She—” Kelly gulped. “She said she was beginning to wish I’d never been born.”
Her misery reached right into Sam’s heart and sent a powerful rush of affection through him. After nine-plus years, this wonderful woman still felt the sting of those hurtful words. He had to help her.
“Aw, Kel.” Sam cupped her face in his palms and pressed a kiss against her lips. “She didn’t mean it. She was trying to snap you out of your self-destruction.”
“By saying she wished I’d never been born?” Kelly choked back a sob.
“Who can fathom what goes on in your mother’s head?” he teased, waiting for the dimple that signaled her smile to peek out. “From what I know of her, I assume she was mixed up at losing her daughter to marriage, probably afraid you’d go, too. Maybe she had to give up her plans for Marina but thought you’d take them on.”
“Take Marina’s place, you mean?” Kelly looked dubious.
“Perhaps.” He brushed the tear from her cheek, handed her a tissue from his pocket. “Does it matter? It’s over and done. The past is gone. The ‘why’ isn’t important.”
“To me it is,” she whispered.
“It shouldn’t be. Take it from an expert,” he said with a wry smile. “Digging up the past and concentrating on the what-ifs only makes you miserable.”
Kelly said nothing, simply watched him with her melting brown eyes.
Sam leaned back on his hands to keep himself from touching her. This woman was like a sweet treat that he couldn’t get enough of. Better to keep his distance than to start imagining there could be something between them.
“I’ve spent aeons of wasted time thinking about Naomi and speculating on what our future might have been,” he admitted.
“You don’t anymore?” she asked quietly.
“I’m trying not to. Because of you.” He smiled when a frown furrowed the smooth skin of her brow. “I’m not ready to turn things completely over to God. I still don’t understand His ways.”
“Maybe you never will,” she murmured.
“But I have learned that ‘kicking against the pricks,’ as the apostle Paul called it, is painful and pointless. I’m trying to reconcile myself. Naomi’s gone. I’ve given up the dreams we shared. I wouldn’t wish her back to go through that pain anyway.”
“That’s a big step.” Kelly’s gentle smile made his heart bump a little faster.
“I guess.” He struggled to hang on to his composure. “Only, I can’t let go of the twins,” he admitted, hearing the raggedness in his own voice. “How can it be better for them to leave than it is to stay here where it’s home? How can some aunt, even with all her money, be a better parent for them than me? That’s what bugs me about God. Why?”
“I don’t know what to tell you, Sam.” Kelly peered into the distance. “The only thing I know is a verse from Jeremiah that I hang on to in tough times. ‘I know the plans I have for you. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’ That’s God’s promise. His plan is good.”
“I wish that was enough for me,” he said sadly. “But I can’t get rid of this hole in my gut that tells me that I’m going to lose and the twins are going to leave. I’m going to fail my brother, Kelly.” He pretended he didn’t hear when Kelly promised to keep praying.
They sat together in the silence of the afternoon with only the croak of creek-side bullfrogs. Restless, Sam checked his watch.
“Yes, I suppose we’d better head back,” Kelly said with a sigh when she saw him double-check the time.
“Before we go, can you answer just one more of my questions?” Sam waited. He wasn’t sure why he needed to know so badly. All he knew was that it mattered. “Why didn’t you come back, Kelly? It’s been well over nine years, and you still stayed away.”
“Because my mother asked me not to.” She nodded at his surprise. “It’s true. About four years ago I planned to come home. I arranged everything ahead of time to be sure I’d have lots of time to spend with them. When everything was approved, I let Mom know. She asked me to stay away.” Kelly blinked furiously, and he knew it was a struggle to say the words. “She said it was better if I didn’t come back and cause trouble. I assured her that I had no intention of causing any problems, but she was insistent. She didn’t want me.”
“So you took off for Timbuktu.” A deep, burning anger gripped Sam. She’d missed so much. Why had Arabella—
“Actually, Kathmandu,” Kelly corrected with a grin. She shrugged. “After that, well, I figured it was better if I stayed away permanently.”
“It wasn’t better.” He rose, held out a hand and drew her upward. “I’m going to ask your mother why she did that.”
“No, Sam.” Kelly put a hand on his arm, her voice pleading. “Let it go. Please? As you’ve just reminded me, the past is finished. What’s the point of dredging it all up again?” She glanced down at her hand, slowly lifted it away from him. “We’re building a new relationship. I want to work on that.”
He liked her touch. He enjoyed kissing her. He couldn’t stop thinking about those tender times when he’d held her and marveled at how right she felt in his arms.
That was why he had to ask.
“And us, Kelly? What are we building?”
She stared at him for a fleeting second then ducked her head down. A moment later she lifted it and looked straight at him. “Friendship, Sam. A really special friendship.”
Then she climbed on her horse and nudged the mare into a slow canter toward home.
After a moment Sam followed, one thought circling his brain.
He wanted more than friendship with Kelly Krause.
Chapter Ten
“I’m sorry, Mom. I’d love nothing more than to come and chat with Dad, but Emma isn’t feeling well today. I don’t think I should expose either of you to her germs.” Kelly steeled herself for the arguments she knew would follow.
Living in a different house hadn’t diminished her mother’s demands one iota. She still called several times a day, usually at the most inopportune moments, waking Jacob Samuel and making demands Kelly often couldn’t fulfill. It se
emed as if her mother was trying to exact a sort of twisted punishment for all the years Kelly had been unreachable.
“Hilda’s sick, too. What about Sam? Can’t he stay with the kids?” Arabella insisted.
“I’m sorry, but he can’t.” Kelly shot a sideways glance at the object of the conversation, who was sitting at the kitchen table, sharing a pink-iced cupcake with Sadie. She’d drawn Sam into her problems often enough. Besides, she was supposed to be here to help him, not add to his workload. “Sam’s got work to do.”
“With those blasted cows, I suppose.” A cluck of teeth transmitted over the phone. “Sam always puts the animals first.”
“Mother, that’s not true.” Kelly wished her mother wasn’t so negative about this man, who’d only brought comfort and joy to her life.
“You don’t want to admit it, Kelly.” Arabella’s voice hardened. “But if you intend to take Marina’s place, to live her life, you’d better learn the truth about the most important thing in Sam’s life. That’s his cows.”
“That isn’t true, Mother,” Kelly said, thinking of the money Sam had willingly handed over to help Marina. “Anyway, Sam and I are just friends.” Her face burned with shame at her mother’s insinuation. “I could never take Marina’s place, even if I wanted to. Which I don’t.”
“You two together in her house—it isn’t right.” Her mother heaved a sigh. “I don’t have time for this. I can’t miss this afternoon’s quilt meeting, Kelly. My friend Mayor Marsha insisted I present my pattern on the double wedding ring quilt to the group today. She feels it’s the perfect way for our club to win over Calgary’s.”
Our club?
“I’m sure everyone will enjoy learning about it.” Kelly ignored Sam’s grin as she resorted to praise. “With your knowledge and skill, they’re lucky to have you.”
“So you’ll come and stay with your father?” Arabella wheedled.
“I can’t, Mom. I’m sorry. Maybe you could ask your friend Marsha?” Kelly remained adamant despite her mother’s demands, criticisms and outright anger. When the phone slammed down in her ear, she carefully hung up.
“I could watch the kids,” Sam offered. “An afternoon off from branding won’t make a difference.”
“Thanks, but I don’t want her to think we’ll come running every time she demands it.” Kelly sat down, gratefully accepting the coffee he’d creamed exactly the way she liked. “I thought I’d phone Abby and see if she has any news.”
“You’re expecting some?” He raised an eyebrow.
“I’d like to know before tomorrow.” Kelly tilted her head slightly sideways to indicate Sadie, who was listening to them with great interest.
“You better not eat any more of these, Uncle Sam, because the rest are for our birthday party tomorrow,” the little girl said, proving Kelly’s point that it was hard to get anything past her.
“I think we’ll have plenty of cupcakes, honey,” Kelly agreed, having just finished icing four dozen. “Are you sure you want cupcakes and not a birthday cake?”
“Me an’ Emma like cupcakes better,” Sadie assured her as she added more sprinkles to the tops.
Still a bit uncertain, Kelly glanced at Sam. “You think they’re okay?” she asked.
“They’re perfect. Stop worrying. Have I mentioned that I like the way you approach everything as if we’re a team?” Sam grinned at her then dabbed a bit of pink icing on Sadie’s cheek. The little girl giggled, scrubbed it off then reminded Kelly of her promise to be allowed to watch her favorite Cinderella video.
After settling her on the sofa and starting the program, Kelly returned to the kitchen. The remnants of another cupcake lay on the table, and Sam was wearing his own array of pink icing on the tip of his chin. She grabbed a napkin and held it out.
When he frowned at her, she leaned forward and wiped the icing just as he turned his head. His lips grazed her wrist, sending a stream of sensations up her arm. Overwhelmed by her reaction to him, she jerked back. Sam blinked at her but said nothing.
“As if we’re a team?” She sank into a chair opposite him. She had to sit because her knees had turned to a wobbly jelly. “Aren’t we a team?”
“Of course.” His lazy grin did wonderful things to his handsome face. “You’re a good sport, Kelly.”
“Uh, thank you.” Why did Sam’s presence have this odd effect on her? “Emma and Jacob Samuel are sleeping, and I have a few minutes while Sadie’s watching her video. Do you have a minute to go over the to-do list for the party tomorrow?”
“Shouldn’t you be getting supper ready?” he asked, tongue in cheek.
“Why? It’s your night to make supper.” She pointed to the menu on Marina’s kitchen blackboard then leaned forward. “Erasing it won’t change anything, Sam. You’re supposed to be learning a varied menu to prepare meals for the kids for when I won’t be here,” she chided.
“But pot roast?” he protested. “That’s tough. Maybe I could hire a cook.”
“You don’t need one. Pot roast isn’t difficult,” she promised. “I’ll show you then we’ll talk about the party.”
They worked together side by side, bumping shoulders, brushing each other’s hands. But eventually the roast was seasoned and in the slow cooker.
“So later you’ll put in potatoes and carrots and they all cook together?” His grin flashed when she nodded. “That makes cleanup a breeze.”
“Which will be handy for you when I’m not here to mop up your messes,” she teased. “And if you’re delayed a little or away for the afternoon, you can still have a hearty, healthy dinner when you get home.” He stared at her, and Kelly frowned. “What’s wrong?”
“I don’t like to think of you not being here,” he explained. “You belong on the ranch, with the kids.” His voice dropped as he set the cover in place. “Won’t you rethink staying?”
“I can’t, Sam. I wish I could, but this isn’t where I belong.” How she hated saying that. Because here, with the kids, on the ranch, Kelly felt totally at home. Yet no matter how she felt, this was not where God wanted her, not permanently. She sighed then picked up the pad with her party plans. “Fishing pond ready? I hope you don’t intend to take them to the river,” she said mockingly.
“Ha-ha.” He made a face. “I borrowed a kid’s swimming pool, which Oscar will fill tomorrow morning.”
“So no drowning incidents. Imagine that. Possibilities.” She smirked when Sam sniffed his disgust. “A campfire? Wiener sticks? Tables and chairs for the kids to sit?”
“Check, check and check. The bubble toys are hidden in the work shed with the kites, as requested. The items for the treasure hunt have been secreted, as directed, including the gold chest, which, I might add, took me forever to make.”
“But it will be so worth it,” Kelly promised. “The twins are going to have a blast.”
“Yes, but you’re forgetting the most important thing.” Sam leaned in so close their noses almost touched. “Their gifts,” he prodded.
“I sewed them each a new summer outfit,” she said. It was clear from the twinkle in Sam’s eyes that he’d planned something else. “What did you get?”
“Bikes. With training wheels. Both pink because it’s their favorite color. Both with streamers and those things that tick when the wheels turn.” He grinned, obviously proud of himself. “I thought we could put them outside early tomorrow morning and then think up an excuse so the kids could find them.”
“Good idea. And I have enough food to feed an army. I think we’re ready.” She leaned back in her chair, almost able to let go of the worry that something would spoil the twins’ special day.
“We’re going to be dead tomorrow evening,” he told her with a grin.
“But it will be so worth it.” A smug sense of satisfaction rippled through her when she happened to glance th
rough to the living room and caught sight of her sister’s smiling face. “They’d be proud of us,” she told Sam.
“I hope so.” He rose, moved behind her chair and wound his arms around her neck in a hug, pressing his cheek to hers. “They’d be very proud of you. You’re amazing, Kelly. There’s no one I’d rather have by my side than you.”
Though she had no recollection of it, Kelly thought she must have said thank you. Sam must have let go of her and gone back to his branding. Nothing had really changed.
And yet, in those few moments everything changed for Kelly.
Because she was falling in love with Sam Denver.
She couldn’t! She had to concentrate on doing what she was here for, had to remember her lesson that romance and everything that went with it was not part of God’s plan for her. If it was, wouldn’t she know? She’d be certain if it was God’s will for her, right?
But this—this affection couldn’t be love. Deep friendship, maybe. A solid, firm friendship that had withstood many trials. Of course she cared about Sam. She cared about the twins and Jacob Samuel, too. So maybe it was a love of sorts.
But not the kind of love that couples shared.
That kind of love wasn’t for her.
Kelly told herself to focus on tomorrow, on making certain the twins had the most memorable party ever and forget everything but doing her best to be certain this family stayed together.
Because in three months she’d have to leave and return to the path God wanted her to follow, no matter what her heart thought it wanted.
* * *
Sam’s pride in the Triple D ballooned as kids raced across the lawns to find the treasure box.
“They’re going to sleep tonight,” his friend Cade chuckled.
“You couldn’t have asked for a better day,” his wife, Abby, remarked. “Perfect for treasure hunts and fishing and bubbles. You’re blessed.”
He was blessed? Him? The thought silenced Sam when his gaze landed on Kelly.
