Playing Ball

by Kerry Freeman

  If that was the worst of it, Jake probably wouldn’t have to kill anyone. “So, where you want to go?”

  “There’s a great sushi place over on East Main if you’re up to it.”

  Jake wasn’t, really, but he thought he could possibly keep it down. “Sure. Just tell me how to get there.”

  The conversation died as Johnnie gave turn-by-turn directions. Jake pulled into a spot in front of a nondescript brick storefront next to a tattoo parlor. His stomach growled, but he wasn’t sure if it was in hunger or protest.

  Once in the restaurant, Jake found some mild things to order: miso soup, steamed rice, tempura, and tea. Johnnie ordered four sushi rolls and a diet soda. After the waiter left the table, Johnnie began to once again converse.

  “How was the drive?”

  “It was good,” Jake said. “I thought the drive to Albuquerque would never end, and the drive here went by fast in comparison.”

  “Did you meet Mom’s boyfriend?” There was obvious venom in the word.

  Jake frowned. “Yes, I met Eddie. He’s actually a pretty nice guy.”

  “Whatever.”

  “Jesus, I hate that word. Don’t ‘whatever’ me. Do you have a problem with Eddie as a person, or are you just pissed off that your mother has gone on with her life?”

  Johnnie crossed his arms over his chest. “Well, he’s only seven years older than me.”

  “So?”

  “Don’t you find that a little… odd?”

  Kid, you ain’t heard nothin’ yet. Jake paused as the waiter dropped off their drinks and his soup. “Sure, it’s not the norm.”

  “And you’re okay with that?”

  Jake knew where this was going. “Why wouldn’t I be? Your mother and I aren’t married anymore. I want her to be happy. Don’t you?”

  “Sure I do,” Johnnie admitted. “I guess I just had that stupid fantasy you’d two would get back together.”

  “I love your mother, but not that way anymore. We’re better friends.”

  Johnnie dropped his arms and sunk back into his chair. “Yeah, Mom says that too.”

  “Well, she’s a smart woman. Now sit up and tell me about school so I can eat my soup.”

  Just like Jake at his age, Johnnie had to be prompted to talk about his classes. He rattled off his schedule, spending little to no time discussing what he’d actually learned. The only class he admitted any affinity for was sociology, and Jake encouraged him to consider majoring in it.

  Their food arrived, and Jake was surprisingly hungry. “You need to make sure you have something to fall back on in case baseball doesn’t pan out. And you—”

  “Need to graduate. I know, Dad. No early draft for me.” Johnnie popped a piece of sushi into his mouth.

  “Right. I’ve always regretted not getting my degree. I’m just lucky I didn’t need anything to fall back on.”

  “So what are you going to do now?”

  Jake shrugged. “Don’t know. I really don’t have to make that decision anytime soon.”

  “Have you thought about commentating?” Johnnie asked.

  “Not unless a major league team moves to Waynesboro. I’m not interested in moving for a team again.”

  Johnnie scrunched his nose like he smelled bad fish. “I can’t believe you’re moving there.”

  “You didn’t grow up in the South. You don’t get the pull it has on someone who did.” Jake put his fork down. “I just want to go home.”

  “Was San Diego ever home?”

  “Not since everyone left.”

  Jake and Johnnie fell silent, and Jake felt the discomfort crawling over his skin. He didn’t want his son to pity him. He just wanted Johnnie to understand. Or at least accept that it was Jake’s life to do with as he wished.

  They finished their meals while exchanging pleasant chatter. When Johnnie put his chopsticks down, Jake took a deep breath and jumped into the conversation they really needed to have.

  “Johnnie, I need to talk to you about something.”

  Johnnie leaned toward his father. “Sure, Dad. What’s up?”

  “There’s something I’ve always… known about myself. Your mother knows too. Always has. But I didn’t tell you or Erin because… well, because it didn’t seem to matter until now. But it does matter, and I need you to listen and remember that I’m your father and I love you.”

  “I know. I love you too.”

  Jake smiled, even though it was a little sad. “Thank you. Johnnie, I’m…. I’m bisexual.”

  Johnnie jumped back, and his chair screeched horribly. “What?”

  “I said I’m—”

  “No, no, stop. I heard you. Why are you telling me this now? Do you have a… a boyfriend?” If Johnnie had used venom when applying the word to his mother, he used deadly poison now.

  “No, not right now, but I’m going to come out publicly.”

  “Yeah, great.” Johnnie stood up. “I’m gonna walk back to the dorm. I need some air.”

  Jake deflated. “Yeah, I understand. I can get a hotel room if—”

  “No, it’s okay. You can still come to the dorm.” Johnnie threw a key onto the table. “I’ll meet you there later.”

  Jake watched Johnnie leave without so much as a wave. The kid was obviously in shock, but Jake was afraid it was more than that. Maybe Johnnie was disgusted. Maybe Johnnie hated him now.

  Jake paid the check, slunk back to the SUV, and called Marcy. She had a way of calming him, which worked now as it always had. By the time he finished the call and followed the GPS directions to Johnnie’s dorm, Jake could breathe, and his heart had stopped pounding. When he found the dorm room empty, he lay on one of the beds and took big breaths in and big breaths out.

  The room wasn’t much different than the one he’d had at Georgia Tech. He smiled, remembering all the girls he’d snuck into his room. He’d never had to sneak Mikko in. Mikko’s parents had known what it could be like for a gay man in the U.S. in the eighties, and they’d made sure Mikko had his own apartment, a safe place to be himself.

  It had also been a safe place for Jake to be himself. There with Mikko, Jake had allowed himself to experience all the things he’d wondered about. Mikko had been a generous teacher, and Jake had soaked in all the knowledge Mikko would give. He’d wanted nothing more than the freedom to spend every moment under Mikko’s tutelage.

  But freedom was something he’d never had.

  Two hours later, Jake was awakened by the closing door. Johnnie smiled and pulled up a chair to sit next to the bed.

  Jake rubbed his eyes. “Hey, sport. Where ya’ been?”

  “I went to talk to my girlfriend.”

  That was news. “I didn’t know you had a girlfriend.”

  “You’re the first person I’ve told,” Johnnie said. “Mom doesn’t even know yet.”

  “She’s a nice girl, I hope.”

  “Very nice. Except when she’s telling me I’m being a selfish dick.”

  Jake laughed. “Did she use those words?”

  “Those exact words. She always calls me on my bullshit.” Johnnie took off his cap and threw it onto his desk. “Look, Dad, I am so sorry about the way I reacted. I was just not expecting that. And, like I said, I’m still this stupid kid who wants his parents back together. It never occurred to me that marrying Mom had been so hard on you.”

  “Whoa there, fella,” Jake said as he made the time-out signal. “I loved your mother. Hell, I was crazy about her. I had to beg the woman to marry me.”

  “But you said—”

  “That I’m bisexual. I’m attracted to men and women. And I was most definitely attracted to your mom from the second I met her.”

  Johnnie frowned. “Then why did you get divorced?”

  “We were kids when we got married, and then we spent lots of time apart while we were growing up. We just looked at each other one day and knew that the love two partners should have wasn’t there anymore.”

  “I guess I can understand that. D
o you have someone you love that way now?”

  “Yes.”

  “Oh,” Johnnie whispered. “Does he love you?”

  Jake tapped his nose. “That is the million-dollar question. I don’t know the answer. I’ll be sure to tell you when I do.”

  “Anything else I need to know?”

  “I’m going to issue a press release once I get to Georgia. Not sure anyone will care now that I’m retired, but I want it out there on my terms.” Jake remembered Marcy’s secret roommate. “By the way, I think you should bring your girlfriend to Thanksgiving dinner at your mother’s house.”

  “I’ve been thinking about it.” Johnnie blushed. “Think Mom will make us sleep in separate rooms?”

  “I seriously doubt it.”

  Chapter 4: 1987

  EVERYTHING was different sophomore year. During his freshman season, Jake rocked second base, and it wasn’t long before he was starting every game. It earned him the respect of the other players and the attention of quite a few college girls.

  He was more than willing to take advantage of his new popularity. He partied with the team almost every weekend, and after every party he hooked up with a different girl. There was plenty of alcohol to make everything go smoothly. He made the girls no promises, and they had no expectations. It was the perfect situation.

  Then there was Mikko.

  At least once a week, Jake and Mikko had dinner, maybe watched a movie, and then ended the evening wrapped around each other, their jeans ripped open and yanked down around their knees. When he wasn’t with Mikko, Jake often rubbed one out while thinking about Mikko’s cock in his mouth. It wasn’t long before Jake realized that his best days were those he spent with Mikko.

  They didn’t often cross paths on campus outside Mikko’s consistent presence at Georgia Tech baseball home games. Mikko wasn’t the party type, and they were never in the same class. Jake ignored the deep urges he had just to see Mikko for nothing more than a few minutes of company. After all, just like his encounters with the party girls, Jake made no promises, and Mikko had no expectations.

  THE frat party for homecoming was in full swing by the time Jake and his date finally arrived. She was some girl on the volleyball team, and Jake had had too many beers to even remember her name. His date led him to a dark hallway on the remote end of the third floor. Alone above the party, they exchanged sloppy kisses and practically fucked each other through their clothes. She tasted like tequila and salt. Jake slumped back against the wall when she fell to her knees and pulled his half-hard cock out of his jeans.

  Jake was having trouble getting it up until he heard someone cry out from the room at the end of the hall. It was a man’s voice, deep and strained. Jake gasped when he heard another man respond, “Hush, baby, or we’ll have to stop.”

  “Just fuck me.” The command was plain, and the desperation with which it was given was thick.

  Jake closed his eyes and imagined what it might feel like to be the desperate one, begging Mikko to fuck him, to do anything as long as they were joined. What would Mikko say? Would he be gentle, knowing Jake had no experience? Or would he be rough, too turned on by Jake’s supplication to take him slowly?

  “Oh, yeah.” The girl at Jake’s feet hummed. “I was starting to think you didn’t like me.”

  Jake looked down at blonde hair, blue eyes, and enough makeup for two people. This wasn’t what he wanted. He wanted chestnut hair, hazel eyes, and scratchy stubble.

  Jake pushed the girl away and stuffed himself back into his pants. “Sorry.”

  “What’s wrong?” She wobbled as she stood.

  “Don’t feel good. Too much to drink.” He watched his date try to straighten her hair and clothes. “Maybe I should take you back to the dorm.”

  “Naw, it’s fine.” She waved toward the room to their left. “This is my cousin’s room. I’ll just crash here.”

  “You sure?”

  “Yeah, he lets me sleep it off here all the time.”

  Before Jake could protest, his date pulled out a key and unlocked the door. “Feel better.”

  Staring at a closed door, Jake wondered what was wrong with him. She’d been a sure thing. But he didn’t want a sure thing whose name he couldn’t remember.

  He wanted Mikko.

  Jake walked across campus. The cool autumn breeze and the exertion began to burn off the cheap beer flowing though his body. By the time he reached Mikko’s darkened apartment, Jake was sweaty, and his buzz was almost gone. He hesitated only a second—what if Mikko had someone with him?—before leaning on the doorbell.

  Mikko yanked the door open and glared at Jake. Mikko’s hair was everywhere, his eyes glassy, and he was definitely angry. “I told you not to come here drunk.”

  Jake swayed, his rubbery legs betraying him. “I’m not drunk, at least not anymore.”

  “Get inside before you wake my neighbors.”

  Jake was pretty sure all Mikko’s neighbors were on campus at the homecoming parties, but he wasn’t going to argue with anything that got him closer to Mikko’s bed. Mikko directed Jake to the couch and went to the kitchen. He returned with a tall glass of water.

  “Drink this.” Mikko flopped down on the couch. “You look awful.”

  “Thanks.” Jake gulped down the water and placed the glass on the coffee table when he was finished. “You look like I dragged you out of bed.”

  “You did.”

  “Are you still mad?”

  Mikko rolled his eyes. “Irritated, but that’s not the same as angry.” Mikko waved Jake over until they were snuggled close. “Rough night?”

  “No.” Jake leaned into Mikko until he felt Mikko drape his arm around his shoulders. “Just wanted to see you.”

  Jake let his head fall back and waited. Mikko’s kiss was soft, and he didn’t try to deepen it. It was easy and familiar and so good.

  “I want you to fuck me,” Jake whispered.

  Mikko jerked back and glared down at Jake. “Now I know you’re drunk.”

  It took a few seconds for Jake’s gears to shift. “What? No, no I’m not.”

  “Just go home. I’ll see you later this week.” Mikko stood up and began to walk away.

  Jake grabbed Mikko’s hand and pulled him back. “I don’t want to. I want to stay here with you tonight.”

  “Fine, but I’m going to bed. To sleep. You can have the couch.”

  This was not going the way Jake had imagined. “Can’t I sleep with you?”

  “Why?”

  “I just want to be with you. I promise I’ll sleep.”

  Mikko shrugged and walked away. “Have it your way.”

  Jake scrambled to follow Mikko down the hall. Once they reached the bedroom, Jake realized that in all the months they’d been getting each other off, he’d never seen Mikko’s bedroom. It was so much better than the plain dorm rooms. A large bed, covered with rumpled green sheets, occupied the center of the room. The only light was that streaming through the window from the streetlight outside… or maybe it was the moon. Mikko’s walls displayed framed pictures and paintings, not the rock or pinup girl posters you’d see in a dorm room. To the side was a sleek, modern desk, piled with textbooks and strewn with graph paper. The room felt permanent, unlike the dorms, which seemed like shantytowns in comparison.

  Mikko peeled off his T-shirt, leaving his orange-striped boxers on. It was the most naked Jake had ever seen him. As Mikko climbed into bed, Jake rushed to strip off his shoes and clothes. Once he was down to his plain white briefs, he eased into the bed next to Mikko.

  He didn’t reach out for Mikko, nor did he really expect Mikko to reach out to him. They lay there, side by side, an invisible line partitioning the bed into halves. Jake so wanted to cross that line, but he didn’t feel like starting World War III. He decided to just enjoy the fact that he was this much closer to letting Mikko have him.

  As Mikko’s breathing evened out, Jake continued to stare up at the ceiling. What was he doing here? Mikko see
med to want him well enough when they were sucking each other off, but he didn’t want to take things further. Sure, Jake was inexperienced with men, but he didn’t think it was a top/bottom issue. After all, Mikko had silently asserted his dominance every time they fooled around, and Jake had been happy to let him. Sure, every once in a while Jake imagined being the aggressor, but usually he was the one being plundered.

  After an hour or so, Mikko turned toward Jake. “I can hear your brain working. What are you thinking about so intently?”

  Jake’s mouth was dry. “Do you not want to fuck me?”

  Mikko chuckled and crossed the invisible divider to stroke Jake’s cheek. “Of course I do. But why do you want me to, after all this time?”

  “I’ve wanted you to for a while. I was just too afraid to ask.”

  “And the alcohol gave you the courage?” Mikko asked with a frown.

  Jake rolled toward Mikko. “I don’t use alcohol to come here. I use alcohol to keep me away.”

  “You never have to stay away.”

  Mikko grabbed Jake and kissed him, instantly thrusting his tongue between Jake’s lips. Jake opened up, letting Mikko have anything he wanted. Mikko grabbed Jake and pulled him close, pressing their bodies together. They kissed, they stroked, they tasted each other’s skin. What little fabric separated them was quickly gone. Finally, Jake was exactly where he wanted to be: on his back, with Mikko nestled between his legs.

  Mikko reached out to his nightstand and found lube and a condom. He poured a generous amount into his hand, and he began to massage Jake’s hole with his fingers. Jake jumped at the first cold touch, but as the liquid warmed and Mikko’s touch firmed, Jake hummed.

  “God, that feels so good.” Jake raised his legs to bare more of his ass and flinched when he felt Mikko push a finger inside him.

  “Just relax and take it. I won’t go too fast. I promise.”

  Jake took deep breaths and watched Mikko concentrate on opening him up. As soon as Jake began to enjoy a single finger, Mikko added another. Mikko worried his bottom lip as he worked, and Jake pulled Mikko down for a kiss.

  “It’s okay. I’m okay,” Jake whispered. “You’re so good to me.”