They should stop or take this elsewhere; one of the boys could wake up and come searching for him. “Ruben,” Alan said in a low voice, pulling back slightly.
“No, not yet.” Ruben kissed him again, his lips hot and urgent, and Alan fell into it. A little longer wouldn’t hurt. He’d be able to hear them if they woke up. They never did anything quietly.
Ruben scratched through the hair on Alan’s chest and then found his nipple. Alan shivered with a groan against Ruben’s mouth. His friend paused and then circled his fingers before rolling the hard nub between his thumb and forefinger. A shot of electricity went straight to Alan’s cock at the rougher play. He liked the harder hands, the muscles instead of curves, the masculine scent of him.
Alan broke the kiss and dragged his tongue down Ruben’s throat, feeling the tingle from the rasp of his stubble. He lowered his head, searching until he found Ruben’s own peaked nipple. He pulled and sucked, then rubbed with his tongue, and Ruben let out a strangled groan, rocking his hips. “You have a wicked mouth.”
Alan wondered what it would be like if he did this elsewhere. The thought of his mouth on Ruben’s cock filled him with a strange mix of confusion and desire. He wasn’t sure if he’d like it, but he’d definitely like hearing Ruben moan some more, and the thought of Ruben’s mouth on him made Alan’s mouth go dry with want. The fantasy seared into his brain as his cock throbbed as if to say “yes, please.”
Ruben was so fucking sexy. They shouldn’t be doing this. Instead of stopping him, the conflicting thoughts only seemed to spur him on more.
Ruben shifted, pushing Alan back a bit and moving under him. Alan’s heart jumped as he settled between Ruben’s thighs and pressed his cock right against Ruben’s hard bulge. “Oh fuck yeah,” he panted, rocking his hips, pushing harder against him and rubbing their cocks together. The thin pants he wore didn’t provide much of a barrier, and Alan could feel the heat coming off of him, noticed every throb of Ruben’s cock.
Ruben’s head fell back against the cushion with a soft moan, his lips slack with desire, his gaze burning as he stared up at Alan as if he was trying to commit every detail to memory. Alan knew he’d never be able to forget this any more than he’d been able to forget the first two times they’d screwed around. “Again,” Ruben gasped, fumbling with the drawstring to Alan’s pants.
Alan obeyed, thrusting and grinding against him. Oh fuck, that was good. He felt like he had years of pent-up sexual tension running through him in a fever. Ruben arched up against him and then slid his hands down the back of Alan’s boxers. He dug his fingers into Alan’s ass, guiding him to move with quick, hard rocks against him.
“Yeah, just like that. Just like that, Alan.”
They stared at each other as their bodies moved together, and it just felt so damn right, so much better without the guilt and shame. Alan wasn’t sure if they were making a huge mistake or not, but right now neither his heart nor his body cared. He dipped his head down and kissed Ruben tenderly, thoroughly, and it filled him with an aching sweetness.
Ruben’s pants changed to deep moans broken off in the back of his throat and he tensed. Alan felt like his entire body was oversensitized and on edge as his balls tightened and his cock tingled. Then the tension shattered and they ground against each other, riding out the quick, hard waves of their orgasm, and a strangled whimpering groan fell past his lips.
“Remembering how you make that sound has haunted me for the past three years,” Ruben said under his breath.
Alan chuckled and rubbed his cheek against Ruben’s. He remained on top of Ruben, his eyes closed, feeling sweaty and sticky and fucking amazing. Ruben stroked the back of his neck, sending an aftershock up and down his spine.
“I….” Ruben stopped himself, and Alan wondered if he was going to say he loved him. They’d been saying it for years, but sometimes Alan wondered what Ruben actually meant by those words. And as soon as he started to question, it always caused a little surge of panic. Ruben couldn’t possibly mean them the way Alan thought he sometimes wanted to hear them.
He did love Ruben, no doubt about that. Ruben was truly his best friend, the kind of friendship he’d wished he’d had with his wife, but it had never quite gone to that level. There had always been something missing. Now that he had Ruben back in his life, Alan didn’t want anything to come between that friendship. Fooling around with Ruben the way they had just done could really fuck that up.
Alan opened his eyes to find Ruben staring at him, and once again those dark eyes were unreadable. “I suppose I should go,” Ruben said, shifting and gently pushing Alan off him.
Letting Ruben leave would definitely be a mistake. That was how it had ended the last two times they’d indulged in a heated moment, with one of them leaving and then both of them overthinking.
Maybe Alan wasn’t sure how to quite process the fact that they’d gotten down and dirty on his couch. It had been scorching hot, and parts of him would like to repeat the experience, often. But he did know that he wanted to remain close to Ruben for a bit before he went home, instead of shoving Ruben out the door or letting him run. He didn’t know what would happen after this, but he wanted to figure it out with Ruben and not apart from him.
“Don’t.” Alan grabbed Ruben’s hand and gestured toward the silent, dark TV. “I still don’t know what’s going to happen with the falcon thing. And you love this movie.”
Ruben sighed and rubbed a hand over his hair. “Nothing is going to happen, Alan. It’s a MacGuffin.”
“It’s a what?”
“It’s something that doesn’t exist. Everybody’s chasing it, but nobody’s going to get it.” Ruben gave him a sad smile, stood up, and turned away.
“How come I get the feeling you’re not talking about the movie?”
“It’s nothing. Sorry.” Ruben waved his hand at the TV. “I know I’ve been moody lately, acting like I’m in the throes of a midlife crisis. Sometimes I feel like there have been too many changes in the past few years, other times like there haven’t been enough.”
Alan could relate to that. Maybe in the morning he’d have a minor freak-out over what had happened between them, but even if he did, he refused to let it affect their relationship. This time was going to be different. They’d find a way to figure it out.
“Come on, we’ll get cleaned up. I’ve got something you can borrow, and we can restart the movie.” Alan caught Ruben’s hand, and this time Ruben looked at him. Alan squeezed his hand. “I want you to stay.”
“Okay,” Ruben replied, a ghost of a smile flicking across his lips. “If you really want me to stay, I swear I won’t disappear on you.”
Chapter 6
THE pounding of multiple feet roused Ruben out of a sound sleep. He was lying back against Alan on the couch, his hand over Alan’s arm, which was curled around Ruben’s waist. Alan’s cheek was pressed against the back of Ruben’s shoulder as they spooned. Sleepy instinct had him rubbing back against Alan’s groin, and his friend’s morning wood perked up even more, sending a jolt of pure electricity through Ruben.
Another rush of feet thundered overhead, waking him up fully, and Ruben smiled. He hadn’t been awoken by that kind of a commotion since the last time Jonah and Jessica stayed with him. As details of the night before came filtering through his consciousness, the noise of feet came racing down the stairs.
“Dad?”
Ruben sat up at the sound of Brett’s terrified voice, and behind him Alan stirred. Upstairs, Matt began to wail.
“I’m in the living room, chill out,” Alan called back, his voice husky. “What’s wrong?”
Brett came barreling into the room, followed by Mikey. The panicked confusion on Brett’s face turned to relief when he saw Alan and Ruben on the couch. “I thought you left!”
“Brett, have I ever disappeared on you?” Alan held out his arms, and Brett burrowed into them, for the moment his big-brother cool-guy façade gone under the fears of a little boy who’d already lost on
e parent. Ruben knew Alan would pay anything to help Brett get over his lingering anxieties.
“No, but I couldn’t find you,” Brett said, his voice muffled against Alan’s shoulder. “You weren’t in your room and it was so quiet.”
Ruben sat up, tugging on the waist of his borrowed sleep pants and caught Alan’s flush when he noticed. What a mixed-up, crazy morning. He ruffled Brett’s hair as if it was no big deal he was there and stood up. He really hoped Alan wouldn’t freak out on him over last night. He could handle Alan pulling back to think things through, but he wasn’t sure he could deal with a “what the fuck did we do” moment.
“Hey, Mikey. I think we’d better get Matt before he upsets Seth,” Ruben said, smiling at the other boy. “Want to help?”
“Guess so.” Mikey glanced at his dad and brother, then gave Ruben a gap-toothed, impish smile. Ruben knew that smile. Mikey wanted a deal. “If I help, will you make blueberry pancakes for breakfast?”
The boys didn’t seem to think it strange at all to find the two of them half-naked, asleep on the couch. Ruben gave Alan a cautious glance, waiting for a negative reaction from him, but so far it wasn’t happening. Alan lifted one shoulder in a shrug and then turned his whole attention to Brett, who still clung to him.
“Maybe. Do we even have blueberries?” Ruben asked as he headed up the stairs with Mikey.
“Uh-huh, Dad bought them yesterday. Uncle Ruben?” Mikey tugged on his hand and stopped on the top tread.
“Yeah?”
“I was a little worried too,” he admitted with a frown. “Sometimes when I hear the door shut and I didn’t know Dad was going outside, it scares me. What if something happens to him?”
Oh boy. Ruben’s heart ached for Mikey and Brett both. And like Alan, he wished he could do or say something that would make it all better.
“Stop it!” Seth yelled at Matt from the bedroom. “Wanna sleep! Bad Matt.”
Ruben peeked into Matt and Seth’s room. Seth had half buried himself under the blankets with his hands over his ears, glaring at Matt, who was standing in his crib, still screaming. He stopped crying when he saw Ruben and began jumping up and down. “Bad! Bad! Bad!”
Ruben crouched down and looked at Mikey straight in the eye. “I know it’s scary because of your mom, Mikey. But your dad is going to do everything he can to make sure he stays with you guys. That’s why he quit baseball, because as much as he loves the game, he loves you even more.”
Mikey looked thoughtful at that. “Yeah, Dad really loves baseball.”
“Exactly.” Ruben smiled. “So, he’s doing the best job he can do to take care of himself and you boys. And I promise you, no matter what happens, he’ll make sure you are taken care of and loved, okay?”
“Okay.” Mikey grinned at him. “Sooo… pancakes?”
“Bad! Ba—” Matt stopped his chant and lifted his arms. “P’cakes? Up! Unca up!”
“You know, I’m very curious about your brother’s favorite word.” Ruben eyeballed Seth and Mikey as he picked up Matt, who laid his head on Ruben’s shoulder. “You might want to stop telling him he’s bad all the time.”
“But he is!” Mikey protested. “He’s always taking my toys.”
“And he screams.” Seth sat up with a grumpy expression.
“I seem to remember one of you flushing my car keys down the toilet when you were Matt’s age.” Ruben pointed at Seth, then turned his finger on Mikey. “Then another one of you flipping over the couch and breaking the new TV. Matt’s being a boy, just the way you were being boys. You’re going to give him a complex if you keep telling him he’s bad.”
Mikey and Seth exchanged looks and Mikey sighed with childlike exasperation. “Fine. We won’t tell him he’s being bad when he’s bad. We’ll let Dad tell him.”
Ruben’s lips twitched as he tried to hold back a smile. “Fair enough.”
Seth huffed, lay back down, and pulled the blankets up to his chin. “It’s not wake-up time.”
“Pancakes?” Mikey asked. “Please? With extra blueberries?”
Ruben laughed and motioned to the door. “Fine, hooligans, you win. Now go turn on the coffeepot while I get Matt cleaned up, and then we can make pancakes.”
“Whoo-hoo!” Mikey took off and bolted down the stairs. Seth groaned and curled into a ball, turning his back to Ruben and Matt.
“Not hungry. Wanna sleep.”
Ruben left him alone. The smell of breakfast cooking would get Seth up without an argument. He took his time getting Matt cleaned and dressed to give Alan a chance to talk to Brett. At least that was what he told himself. The reality was, he was uncertain. He didn’t know how Alan would react to what had happened the night before, or to the boys finding them this morning. He wasn’t sure if this changed anything between them or not.
He wanted a change, wanted to feel like he wasn’t stuck in limbo any longer. Only, he had the feeling that despite what had happened, Alan wasn’t all that keen on change. He seemed happy with the way things were.
Ruben made his way downstairs, holding Matt’s hand, only half listening to his babble. Alan had pulled on his shirt, and he tossed Ruben his when he came into the living room. Alan’s cheeks reddened again, and he looked away. “Mornin’, Matt.”
“Blocks!” Matt toddled off to his pile of cardboard building blocks with an absent wave to his dad. From the kitchen, Ruben heard sounds of silverware clattering and the scent of brewing coffee.
“He has his priorities,” Ruben said to break the silence between them.
“Apparently.”
“How’s Brett?” Ruben asked as he tugged on his shirt.
“Better. I wish he wasn’t so anxious. I don’t know how else I can help him.” Alan glanced toward the kitchen. “He’s afraid he’s going to forget about Cassandra.”
“You won’t let that happen.” Ruben sat next to him and tried not to read too much into it when Alan shifted. “Mikey admitted he gets worried, too, about something happening to you. I think the only thing you really can do is give them as much stability and support as possible, which you already do.”
“Yeah.” Alan scrubbed a hand through his hair, and it seemed like he was avoiding meeting Ruben’s gaze. “They get a lot of that from you, not just me.”
“I love them. They’re family to me as much as Jessica and Jonah.” He loved Alan, but Alan didn’t seem to hear those words past the friendship level.
“They love you too,” Alan said softly, his brows still drawn together in concern.
“Have you given any thought to trying counseling again? I know they went for a bit those first several months, but it might not be a bad idea to send Brett and Mikey back,” Ruben suggested.
“I have thought about it. They didn’t like the last guy much. Maybe they’ll respond better to someone different.”
“It can’t hurt.” Ruben wanted to touch him, to slide his arm around Alan’s shoulders to give him what comfort he could, but he settled for bumping his knee to Alan’s in silent support.
Alan glanced at him, his gaze unreadable. “Brett wanted to know if you were coming over for another sleepover.”
A chill gripped Ruben when Alan looked away again, fiddling with a crayon left behind on the coffee table. “What did you say?” he asked, trying to make his voice sound as normal as possible.
“I said I didn’t know, but probably not before your trip.” Alan cast him a sideways glance.
That was honest, Ruben could appreciate that, and he owed Alan the same honesty in return. “Alan, I don’t know if I can pretend nothing happened and go back to the way we were.”
Panic flickered across Alan’s face, and then he nodded, still rolling the crayon around with the tip of his finger. “I need to think about it. We can talk when you get back. Okay?”
Ruben took a deep breath and then let it out in a rush. It wasn’t a “hell no” or even a shutout. Time to think was not too much to ask for. He knew the exact struggle Alan was having about who he was an
d what he wanted. Besides, last night Alan had admitted that their first kiss had meant something. Ruben had waited years to hear that; he could wait a little longer. “Okay. Do you want me to leave?”
“Are you crazy?” Alan gestured toward the kitchen as he gave Ruben a mock glare. “The boys would declare mutiny if I tried to make the pancakes. No way are you leaving.”
“Aye-aye, Captain.” Ruben allowed himself to relax when the rejection he’d feared didn’t happen.
“Seriously, though,” Alan said as he glanced at him again with a look of entreaty. “I don’t want you to go. We’ll figure this out.”
“Okay.” This time Ruben smiled and stood up. “Well, then, I’d better get started before they really get hungry. I’ll take the pancakes if you’ll cook the bacon.”
Chapter 7
THE airport was quiet and sleepy even late in the morning. Ruben had zipped through the baggage line and gotten his boarding pass with no problem. The security line was nonexistent. Alan missed the days when family could’ve gone back and hung out at the gate until boarding time. At least in this quieter airport, Ruben could stay with them until it was almost time to go.
“Lunch?” Alan suggested as Ruben strolled toward them, pulling a rolling carry-on with one hand and slinging his computer bag over his shoulder with the other.
“Sounds like a plan.” Ruben stuffed his boarding pass away in the bag and caught Seth’s hand as he started to wander off. “Stay close, little man.”
Alan cast him a sideways glance before turning toward a restaurant he knew the boys would like. It would’ve been a better idea to leave them behind at Miss Sarah’s, but Alan told himself they’d want to see Ruben off. However, Alan suspected that both he and Ruben were taking advantage of the boys’ presence to avoid talking about what happened several days earlier.
Ruben hadn’t brought up the latest incident once and seemed completely at ease with him. In fact, he’d seemed a little more relaxed the past couple of days. He was probably looking forward to his visit with Jonah and Jessica. Maybe it was just Alan who was using the boys as a buffer.
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