He couldn’t deny that being with Ruben had been an incredibly erotic experience, even more so than the taboo touches from before. This time he’d gone into it with his eyes wide open. But it scared him too, because it changed everything. Like Ruben said, they couldn’t go back to the way things were. Hell, Alan should’ve understood that from their very first kiss. Nothing went backward, no matter how hard they both tried.
Alan hadn’t allowed himself to consider the possibility that he might be gay too, even after his history with Ruben, or his teenage musings. He wasn’t sure if his reactions meant he had been buried deep in the closet, or if he was bi, or if it was just Ruben he reacted to like this. His biggest fear was that he’d start something with Ruben only to find that he couldn’t commit to it, he could handle short-term experimentation only, and not the day-by-day realities of being a gay man. If he started something and then tried to take it all back, Ruben would leave for sure, and Alan wouldn’t blame him.
If… if they took this further, then his family was going to freak out, but Alan had distanced himself from them years ago. Neither he nor Cassandra had wanted their boys confused and hurt by his family’s ultraconservatism about anything different. He also wasn’t worried about the community, since it was a pretty open-minded and tolerant place. Considering the rumors about them in the media over the years, half the town probably already gossiped about the possibility of them being a couple. He had been concerned at first about how his boys would react, but Brett and Mikey had seemed to view Ruben’s presence there in the morning as perfectly acceptable. Ruben had been a part of their extended family for so long it might not be that much of a shock to the boys.
No, the biggest worry eating at him was if it didn’t work out and Ruben disappeared from their lives. Then the boys would be devastated. Alan would be devastated. So he just didn’t want to rush things.
“You’ve barely said a word all day,” Ruben said as the waitress led them back to a booth. “What gives?”
“I’m wondering what’s going through your mind, whether you’re planning any life-changing decisions,” Alan admitted.
Ruben shot him a startled look and waved at Seth to get into the booth first. “Should I be?”
Alan shrugged and passed over the booster seat. “You’ve been known to do them on occasion.” He just wished he could get his mind to shut up and stop speculating about whether Ruben was going to decide to move to Tampa. It could be a totally baseless worry. He’d never even raised the question with Ruben. Maybe it was time he did, when they were alone next.
Ruben’s expression relaxed, and he held up his hand as if making an oath. “Those days are behind me. I promise, no big changes without talking to you first. We are a team, after all.”
“Damn right.” They bumped fists, and Alan pushed his worries aside as he got Matt settled in the high chair. The restaurant was pretty empty, and the other three boys were happily occupied scribbling on their menus with the complimentary crayons. “So, do you have any plans while you’re down there?” Alan asked after they ordered.
“No, nothing too hectic. I don’t want to wear them out before their trip. I’ll probably take them to the beach most of the time, maybe catch a ballgame one night.”
Alan thought of Ruben running through the waves in his bathing suit, the warm brown of his skin getting even darker. He used to be able to dismiss those images easily, but it had been getting harder to do so for a while, and he found himself lingering over them instead. He wondered if Ruben thought of him like that and was filled with a rush of confused warmth. It was like he was a teenager all over again, trying to make sense of his sexuality only to discover he might’ve been lying to himself for most of his life.
“Is Jonah coming back with you?” Brett asked, stealing a crayon from Seth and holding it out of his reach when he protested.
“Not this time,” Ruben replied, as Alan gave Seth and Brett his “behave in public or else” look. If he could keep the inevitable squabbles to a minimum until they got back to the car he’d consider this outing a win.
Brett grimaced and handed back the crayon. “Uncle Ruben, you think maybe his mom would let him get Xbox Live, so we get to play together and talk and stuff?”
“It’s a possibility, but I’m not making any promises. He’ll be visiting later in the summer, so you’ll get to see him then. And we are all going to Puerto Rico again.” Ruben moved Seth’s drink out of the way as the waitress returned, loaded down with plates.
“Dip it?” Seth asked, pointing toward the bottle of ketchup, and the next few minutes were busy with getting the boys settled with their meals before turning to their own.
Alan didn’t have much of an appetite. It was crazy to feel like he was missing Ruben already, and he didn’t want to tell him that either. Ruben needed this time with his kids, and Alan didn’t want to do anything to shadow that.
Their hands brushed as they both reached for the pitcher of iced tea, and a little shock went through Alan. Their eyes met and Ruben smiled, a kind of secret smile he’d given Alan off and on over the years.
“Are you having a staring contest?” Mikey asked, clambering to his knees and waving his hand in front of Alan’s face. Alan looked away, feeling his cheeks flush. “Can I play too? Betcha I can win.”
“Betcha you can’t,” Brett retorted.
“Ha! Just watch me!”
“You can try after you finish your burgers, guys.” Ruben pointed to their plates and the barely nibbled on burgers. “You’ve killed the fries, so why not try the rest?”
Yep, bringing the boys was a mistake. There were things he wanted to say to Ruben before he left. Or at least attempt to say. Maybe it wouldn’t come out pretty as he fumbled through trying to explain how he was feeling, but he was pretty sure Ruben would understand anyway.
All too soon lunch was over and they were standing by the security barricade. Alan watched Ruben say good-bye to Brett, Mikey, and Seth, with so many things he wanted to say he was rendered incapable of speech, period. Ruben leaned close and gave Matt a raspberry on his cheek, making him squirm and giggle in Alan’s arms.
Their eyes met again, and Alan caught Ruben in a hard hug. It felt damn good to have Ruben’s arm around him too. He pressed his cheek against Ruben’s. “I don’t want you to be an experiment,” Alan whispered, then kissed his cheek, still holding onto him.
Ruben nodded, turned his head, and brushed his mouth over Alan’s in a quick kiss that sent a shocking thrill through him and left him wanting more. Then he was gone, striding down the walkway to the short security line, and it felt like he was taking Alan’s heart with him.
Alan glanced down at Brett, who was watching him with round eyes. “Dad, is Uncle Ruben your boyfriend? ’Cause that would be kinda cool. He could have dinner at our house, like, every night.”
“What’s a boyfriend?” Mikey asked, his expression curious.
“It means they like hang out all the time, dummy, and make kissy noises.” Brett shot Mikey a withering look, and Mikey glared right back at him.
“I’m not a dummy, you’re the dummy. ’Cause they already hang out all the time. Duh.”
“Enough, you two. For the love of God, enough.” Alan motioned to them to cut it out and then lifted his gaze to watch Ruben disappear on the other side. He sighed. “Your uncle is my friend. And we’re all lucky he puts up with us. Come on, let’s get you yahoos home.”
RUBEN pulled up in front of the home that Karen had bought with her new husband, a sprawling two-story farmhouse that could accommodate both sets of kids. From what Karen told him and what he’d been able to glean from Jessica and Jonah, they all got along fairly well, though Jonah was having a harder time adjusting to the many changes that had happened in his short life.
Jessica was his tough girl. Jonah was far more sensitive and kept things locked inside. He brooded, just like Ruben. Excited, Ruben got out of the car and bounded up the front steps. He couldn’t wait to see them both again. He
had so many ideas for what they could do over the next few days, but mostly he just wanted to see them and talk to them and just be a family again.
The excitement intensified as he rang the bell, then heard Karen call out, “Jonah, would you get that for me, baby?” Ruben grinned and adjusted his baseball cap at the pounding of familiar footsteps, then the door was flung open. Jonah’s hazel eyes widened through a mop of dark hair.
“Dad?” Jonah cried out, and Ruben’s eyes stung as he held out his arms.
“Yeah, Jonah, it’s me.”
“Dad!” Jonah cried out and threw himself at Ruben. “Jessie, Jessie, Dad’s here!”
“Daddy!” Jessica bolted down the steps, jumping the last two, and raced to join them. “What’re you doing here?”
“I missed you two something crazy, so your mom and I decided I should come down for a quick visit before you two go off on your big adventure.”
For several minutes it was hugs, misty eyes, and babbling from all of them. When Ruben straightened, Karen was standing in the hallway, watching them with a smile. “Hey, Ruben.”
“You’re looking good,” Ruben said with a smile. In fact she looked more content than he’d seen her in years. It was good to see her and not feel the dull edge of guilt that usually accompanied it. Karen was right where she wanted to be.
“Thanks. I have their overnight bags packed, so they’re all ready to go. Are you staying at your usual place?”
“Yep.” Ruben tugged the bill of Jessica’s ball cap and ruffled Jonah’s hair. “Go grab your stuff and say good-bye to everyone.”
The kids went barreling off, making a racket. At the top of the stairs, Karen’s two stepdaughters appeared, leaning over the railing and whispering.
“How are Alan and his boys doing?” Karen asked with none of the defensive tightness that would’ve been in her gaze even a year ago.
“Good. The boys are getting big.” Ruben glanced around for Dave, Karen’s new husband, but didn’t see him. “How are Dave and the girls?”
“The girls are dying of excitement over the trip. Dave, not as much. He’s not going to be able to stay with us the entire time. Big project at work.” She glanced up at the ceiling at the clatter of footsteps running from one end of the hall to the other. “I wanted to tell you, and I expect that you’ll hear an earful anyway, but I’m going to have another baby.”
Ruben’s gaze fell to her flat stomach and then back up to meet her eyes. “You are? What are you doing going to London?”
She laughed and shook her head. “Ruben, it’s a long ways off and I’ll be okay. God, you never change. Dave and I both wanted one more, the girls are excited, but I think Jonah hasn’t warmed up to the idea yet. I thought you should know.”
“Thanks.” Ruben glanced up as Jessica came tearing down the stairs again, breathless, her ponytail swishing. She gave her mom a hug and a kiss then bounded over to Ruben, dancing from foot to foot.
“Can we go to the pizzeria for dinner?”
“Sure, but first, let’s check in, drop our bags off, and let Uncle Alan know I’ve gotten here safely. He wanted to say hi to you both.”
“Cool. Can I talk to the monster squad too?” Jessica turned toward the stairs and raised her voice. “Come on, Jonah! I’m hungry.”
Jonah came down the stairs, still blinking back tears, and went and gave his mom a hard hug. Oh yeah, there was something bugging him, maybe several things, and Ruben vowed to have a good long talk with him over the next few days and worm it out of him.
THE beach was a little quieter on a weekday, but not by much. Ruben kept his attention roaming between Jessica, who was frolicking in the edges of the surf, and Jonah, who wandered, collecting bits of shell and other interesting things in his bucket. Jessica had been enjoying the last couple of days full tilt, bubbling with excitement over spending time with him, the upcoming trip to London, and giddy over the chance to have a baby in the house. She had adored taking care of Matt when he was a newborn. She was a natural big sister.
Ruben returned his gaze to Jonah, who had settled in the sand to examine his findings. Jonah would be a good big brother too. He was patient with Alan’s younger boys. He and Brett butted heads more often, but that was because they were the same age and best friends. When he’d asked Jonah how he felt about it all—the trip, the new baby—all he’d gotten in return was a shrug and “it’s okay.”
This morning, though, something new had upset him, and he’d hardly said a word all day. This might be the last chance Ruben had to talk to him alone before he left in the morning. “Not so far out, Jessica,” he called as he started walking toward Jonah.
His daughter waved to him and came in closer by a few feet, then a few feet more when Ruben shouted again. He plopped down next to Jonah, watching Jessica’s silhouette against the blazing sun. “Did you find anything interesting?”
Jonah nodded and pulled out a sliver of shell worn smooth by the pounding surf. The iridescent colors were especially brilliant, and it had been whittled down to almost a crescent shape. “Looks like a moon, don’t it?”
“Yeah, you’re right. That’s pretty cool. It’s definitely a keeper.”
Ruben didn’t ask what was bothering Jonah—that had yielded nothing but denials and silence. Instead he talked about small things, making comments about Jonah’s treasures, the best methods for making a sand castle, and tactics for surviving the zombie apocalypse. Bit by bit, Jonah warmed up to the conversation and offered tidbits of his own.
“Dad, are you sad about not playing baseball anymore?” Jonah asked, touching the scar on Ruben’s shoulder from the surgery.
“Sometimes, but I haven’t really lost the game. I still can play for fun, and I love coaching. When I miss the big games, I go watch one and think about all the things I have instead.”
“But it’s not the same. It’s all different now,” Jonah said, digging his plastic shovel into the sand and then examining what he pulled up.
Ruben watched Jessica in the water, his heart aching for his son. “Change can be difficult, Jonah, but life is all about change. Sometimes I get sad watching you and Jessica grow up. I miss you as babies and toddlers, but I love watching what you’ve become and wondering where you’re going to go from here. If I spent all my time being sad because I miss four-year-old Jonah then how can I appreciate eight-year-old Jonah?”
“I guess so.” Jonah let the sand pour out in a trickle. “Hey, Dad, do we really get to come see you after London? Promise?”
“I promise. The whole rest of the summer you’re going to be with me. And there’s going to be lots of things going on—there’s the pitching camp, and Brett’s very excited about seeing you again and going swimming with you.”
“I hate him!”
Ruben stared at Jonah, surprised by his vehemence. Jonah stared at the ground with a fierce scowl on his face, blinking rapidly. “What? Who do you hate? Brett?”
“Yes!” Jonah’s face crumpled and a fat tear rolled down his cheek. Ruben brushed it off and Jonah swatted his hand away.
This made no sense. Except for the minor squabbles typical between friends, the two boys had always gotten along. “I thought he was your best friend,” Ruben said carefully, trying to think of what might’ve precipitated this outburst. “I didn’t hear you two arguing when you were talking yesterday. What happened?”
“I hate him, ’cause you’re going to stop being my dad and start being Brett’s.”
“Whoa, wait a minute. Where did you get a crazy idea like that? I’m always going to be your dad.” Another tear rolled down Jonah’s nose, and he dashed it away angrily. Ruben rubbed Jonah’s back and then slung his arm around his skinny shoulders. This time Jonah didn’t push him away.
“I Google-Alerted your name ’cause I like seeing all the cool news stuff that sometimes comes up about you. And this morning there were these pictures of you and Uncle Alan and you were being all kissy-face, icky lovey, like Mom and Dave, and there’s going to be no r
oom for me anywhere anymore.”
It must be hard for Jonah to be with his sister and two older stepsisters, who were not afraid to speak their mind and speak it loudly. Add in the excitement of a new baby, and he must feel lost in the crowd. Then throw in the swerve with Ruben and Alan, and he probably thought nothing was stable anymore.
“Jonah….” Ruben searched to try to find the right words to say to reassure his son that no matter what happened between him and Alan, if anything happened between them, he’d still be his dad. “I love you. I’ve loved you since before you were born. I loved you all those years when I was on the road so often and it was just you, Jessica, and your mom. And I loved you when your mom and I got divorced and she took you two back to Tampa. Nothing is ever going to change that.”
“Promise?”
“I swear it. I love Alan’s boys too, and your mom loves your stepsisters. That’s the neat thing about love, Jonah: the more you love, the more you have to give away to others. But if you hide it away and hold onto it out of fear and not wanting to share, that can make love get sickly. Do you understand?”
Jonah thought about it, leaning into Ruben’s side. “I think so.”
“What makes you happier? Being friends with Brett or saying you hate him like you just did?” Ruben asked, lowering his head next to Jonah’s.
Jonah’s shoulders hunched. “Being his friend.”
“What about when we have FaceTime at night? How do you feel when we get to talk versus when you’re upset and ignore it when I call?”
“When I talk to you.” Jonah looked up at him, his face solemn. “Sometimes, I feel mean when I don’t want to talk, and then I cry ’cause I miss you and I want to take it back.”
“I get sad when I miss you too, and I’m happy when I talk to you. Life is crazy sometimes. Like I said, you can’t stop it from changing, but you can enjoy each day as much as possible, okay?”
Playing Ball Page 26
