Dare to Breathe

by M. Homer

  “Seriously Carrie, no thanks!” I say but both girls are shaking their heads, excitement lighting up their faces.

  “No pretty girl, this Saturday you are coming with us,” Mandy giggles.

  Shit, is all I can think.

  Chapter Nine

  Saturday comes and the girls both tear into my room, pulling my clothes out of the tiny wardrobe and going through everything I own.

  “Right, how about this one?” Mandy asks Carrie holding up a tiny black skirt I bought on a dumb whim last summer.

  “Uh uh, no way,” I say shaking my head but it’s too late.

  “It’s perfect,” says Carrie, holding up a blue tank top next to the skirt. “These go together perfectly.”

  I sit there like a baby doll as both girls dress me. They then decide to do my hair and make-up and eventually leave me to go and sort themselves out. I walk up to the small mirror in my room and examine my face. My blue eyes are popping with all the dark eyeliner and mascara and my cheeks are a rosy red, but I am not sure if it is the blusher or just my embarrassment. My long black hair has been brushed to an inch of its life and hangs freely down my back. I am wearing my black boots and have a black jacket to throw over it all.

  Nervously I sit on my bed and wait for them, not daring to go into the rest of the house in case I bump into Ben or Nathan.

  “Sam, get your pretty ass out here!” I hear Mandy shout at me.

  Reluctantly, I open the door and go into the kitchen. I see Mandy has put on a body hugging black dress that highlights her gorgeous platinum blonde hair and perfect body. Carrie comes down the stairs wearing tight pink pants with a strapless black top which just accentuates her sharp features.

  Ben and Nathan are sitting in their usual spot at the kitchen counter and Ben looks me up and down with a huge smile.

  “Damn girl, you scrub up good!” he says, grinning.

  Nathan, I notice is looking down at his hands with a scowl on his handsome face. I ignore him and instead gaze at Mandy and Carrie who both look drop dead gorgeous. Their happy faces make me smile and I go over to each of them giving them a quick hug, surprising them with my enthusiasm. Whatever happened to my keeping a physical distance from everyone?

  “Well, let’s do this!” I say to them with a nervous smile. They jump up and down like jelly beans and we grab all our bags.

  “Where are you all going?” asks a somber voice.

  “We are headed down to Joe’s,” Carrie tells Nathan. “Want to come?”

  Nathan looks in my direction and then away again. I get butterflies in my stomach as I imagine him deciding to join us.

  “No, I have a date,” he says, pulling himself off the chair and heading out the kitchen. As he walks past me, he gently brushes against me and I take a small breath. His step falters for just a second and I feel his quick glance at me, but then he is gone. I look away from the others, trying to mask the disappointment in my face at his departure. What is wrong with me? I shouldn’t be having these feelings for him.

  “Well, what crawled up his ass?” Carrie asks Ben.

  Ben looks over at me with a question in his eye but then just shrugs.

  “You want to come with us?” she asks him, breaking his gaze which is still fixed on me with curiosity.

  “Hell no! You ladies are on a mission tonight, I can tell, and no way am I getting in the way! Just for the record, you all look damn fine!” he says, smiling at us, his charming face oddly proud.

  Mandy gives him a peck on the cheek and then grabs Carrie and me by the hands, dragging us outside to hail a cab.

  “Don’t wait up for us,” Carrie shouts out, laughing as we leave.

  This was a bad idea. Dumb! Stupid! I sit huddled in the corner of the booth trying to stay in the shadows. I hate the smell of liquor. It brings back so many evil memories that normally only surface when I am asleep. The club itself is pretty busy with dark red booths filled with people, a massive bar over on the left hand side and a huge dance floor right in the middle of the club. The music is pumping and on the dance floor I can see the girls thrusting their bodies to the music. They have tried repeatedly over the evening to get me to join them but I can’t budge. I clasp my clammy hands and try and look as if I am enjoying myself. I know I am failing miserably.

  A guy at the bar catches my eyes before I can look away and starts to walk towards me. No freaking way! He sits down at the table and looks me up and down.

  “Hey gorgeous,” he slurs at me.

  All I can smell is the booze on his breath and I try not to heave. He has brown mousy hair that is tousled and a big bulky body that seems to sap the energy from around him. My nerves are starting to fray.

  “My boyfriend will be here in a minute,” I say, looking around him. “He doesn’t like me talking to older men.”

  “Name’s Ted,” he says, ignoring me, “and I am not that much older than you are!” he adds with a half-smile. I wonder how he knows my age but then figure he probably doesn’t care.

  “Ted look,” I say looking directly at him with as much attitude as I can muster, “I need you to leave me the fuck alone.”

  Ted just picks up his bottle and takes a big sip, his gaze never leaving mine. He has a stupid smirk on his face and I start to worry that this will end badly.

  “Sam? Is that you?” I hear a friendly voice screech in my direction. A very drunk Jess comes tottering over towards me and I am overjoyed to have her as a buffer. Ted just sits back and watches. His eyes are creeping me out but I choose to ignore him.

  “Hi Jess!” I say getting up to give her a hug. I guess this place doesn’t I.D. people very much judging by the state of her. Jess is wearing a tight purple top with black jeans which hug her in all the right places and the cutest heels ever.

  “Oh, my God! It is you. How the hell have you been?” she says, plonking herself down next to me.

  We start to chat and I see Ted shift in his chair. Good, I hope he is getting bored.

  Suddenly Jess stops long enough to notice him. I see her eyes light up with interest as she looks between us. “So, who is this?” she says loud enough for Ted to hear. That’s all the invitation Ted needs and before I know it, they are deep in conversation. I should be relieved but there is something about Ted that freaks me out. I desperately want to leave but notice the girls are now at the bar talking animatedly with two guys. They see me surrounded by people so give me a wink and a wave and continue talking. I have to get out and have some fresh air so I shift myself past Ted and Jess. As I have to go around them, I feel Ted’s disgusting hands touching my ass. I slap his hands away and stomp off to the bathroom. When I get there, I look at myself closely in the mirror. What the hell is wrong with me? For the last twelve years I have lived a great life with two people I call Mom and Dad, so why can’t I just let the past go and relax for once?

  That’s it. I can’t let this continue. I think of Nathan on a date and try not to let it crush me. I am going to force myself to have some fun tonight even if it kills me. If everyone else can do it, why can’t I?

  I go back into the club and to the booth where Jess is now practically on Ted’s lap. His eyes follow me once again.

  “So, Ted, you going to buy us a drink?” I ask him boldly as I slide into my seat. His eyes lift in interest to mine.

  “Sure thing sugar. What’re you ladies drinking?” he asks with a smirk.

  “I’ll have whatever Jess is drinking.” I wave my hand in her direction trying to ignore the term of endearment that just sounds sleazy coming from his mouth.

  Jess announces that ‘Screwdrivers’ are the drink of the day and he pops up to go and get us each one. When they arrive, I take a small tentative sip. Not bad, a lot of orange juice; I can hardly taste the liquor. I take another sip and watch Ted and Jess giggling at each other. I feel myself finally start to relax.

  “I love this song!” Jess says, jumping up and pulling me out the booth a few drinks later. “Come on Sam!” She blows a kiss to Ted wh
o still looks far too interested in both of us, but again I ignore him and stumble towards the dance floor. I close my eyes and concentrate on the music. I feel my body start to sway, hey this is fun! The pulsing music begins to speak to my body and loosen me up. I get up close to Jess and we dance and dance, just moving our bodies around the room. Carrie and Mandy come over to join us and before I know it, the four of us are jumping up and down and moving around the place like we own it.

  I suddenly feel a pair of eyes on me and before I can stop myself, I look up and see a pair of familiar chocolate-brown eyes boring a hole into my soul. He is leaning against the bar with his arm casually draped over yet another beautiful blonde woman. Damn, could he be any more obvious? She whispers something in his ear and his eyes leave mine to give her some attention. I suddenly don’t feel like dancing anymore and I shout to my friends that I am heading back to the booth. They smile at me and continue dancing as I weave my body through the sweaty dancing bodies.

  Unfortunately, Ted is still there but this time he is sitting with two other men who look about thirty years old. They all look at me as I approach and I suddenly feel exhausted and a bit tipsy.

  “Bought you another drink,” Ted tells me, pushing the sealed beer in my direction.

  I nod thanks, open it up and take a deep drink. There is something sickeningly familiar about this drink that reminds me of my past, but I don’t even stop to take a breath, almost downing it in one go and trying to forget seeing Nathan’s arm around the pretty blonde.

  Ted shifts closer to me and rests him arm on the back of my seat. His fingers start rubbing my shoulder. I panic as I realize no one can really see me and that he is way too close to me.

  “I…umm, I have to go. Th-thanks for the drinks,” I say, trying to stand up.

  Ted pushes me down gently with his hand. “No, you owe me a kiss at least,” he says, smoothly moving even closer towards me.

  Stupid, I am so stupid. Why did I think he would buy me drinks and not expect something in return?

  I feel my hands go clammy and my heart rate pick up.

  “Ted, I am sorry b-but I think I am going to be sick.” Right now, I do feel sick. I try to stand up again but before Ted can drag me back to the seat, I look up to see Nathan standing in front of the table.

  “Hey Sam,” he says with a tight angry smile, “you ready to go home?”

  “Piss off man; she’s with me.” Ted glares at him, holding onto my arm, his fingers digging into my flesh.

  I look at Nathan, silently begging him to help me. A tear falls unbidden into my lap and I am so ashamed of my weakness I look down.

  “Dude, this is my sister and I’ve got to get her home now,” he lies smoothly with a strained smile. I can see how tense he is as his muscles in his arms tighten. “You know she is just a high school student?” he finishes lying.

  “Ah shit!” Ted yells quickly pulling away from me and dropping my arm. “Fucking hell, why didn’t you tell me? You bitch!”

  I just look down at my lap, feeling ridiculous and wishing I was anywhere but here.

  “Just walk away man,” Nathan says, a deadly tone to his voice.

  Ted eyes Nathan with malice in his eyes but something in Nathan’s face warns him to back off. Ted gets up, dragging his dumb buddies with him, and walks away quickly, probably pissed off that he has just blown an entire evening and his money on nothing.

  “Sam, come on, let’s go,” Nathan says with steel in his voice.

  I briefly look up and nod. Then I get up on shaky legs and follow him out. He finds Ben, whom I didn’t even know was here and tells him to let everyone else know we have gone home and then continues to pull me out of the bar.

  “What the fuck were you thinking?” he asks me as we head outside. I see the tension in his face as he stares down at me.

  The breeze blows my hair, slightly damp from all the dancing, and before I can answer him, he pulls the hair off my face surprising me with his gentleness.

  He suddenly becomes conscious of what he is doing and drops his hands just as I take a quick step away from him.

  “That asshole who bought you drinks is Ted Avery. He does this every weekend Sam. Every weekend! Do you know what I am saying?” His angry words gain some momentum in my slightly buzzing head and I feel myself start to get angry too.

  “What? Like you Nathan?” I shout back at him. This stops him and for a moment I see him flinch.

  “Damn it, I never force girls! They come to me,” he says back hotly.

  “I just wanted one normal night! One night I could let myself go.” I start to cry. I can’t help it. Seeing him with that girl, feeling Ted’s disgusting hands on me, smelling the beer on my own breath sends me over the edge and suddenly I am gagging. Nathan quickly pulls me to the side and pulls my hair back, once again, as I retch over and over again onto the sidewalk. I think it will never end but finally it does. Exhausted, we walk back to our house, with me trying to hold myself upright without leaning on Nathan.

  When we get home, Nathan drags me upstairs into the bathroom where he helps me brush my teeth and wash away the grime. He then helps me downstairs to my room and tucks me into bed after removing my shoes. I try and say thanks but my mouth won’t work and my eyes can’t open at all. I hear the door shut as I fall fast asleep.

  It’s so hot; my whole body is on fire. I feel the heat burning through my body. The air fills with smoke and I begin coughing feeling my lungs burn with every breath I take.

  “Mommy!” I scream but no one hears me. Where are they? Why isn’t someone coming to help me? I see the flames jump outside the door and I know I am trapped, I start screaming for help. “Mommy! Daddy! Help me!”

  I don’t know what time it is but I feel myself being shaken awake as I hear myself screaming yet again.

  “Shh Sam,” is all I hear. It is enough for me and I pull my safety around me closer, refusing to let him leave, taking deep smoke free breaths.

  He tenses as I hold him tightly for the first time but then relaxes and lies down next to me.

  “You know, you are killing me,” he says softly as I drift off back to sleep lulled by the sound of his breathing.

  Chapter Ten

  There is a baseball bat hitting my head over and over again. What the hell? I want to make it stop but when I open my eyes all I feel is more pain. I am never drinking again. I roll over and find myself squashed against my bedroom wall. Vague memories of the night before start to flood my head along with the baseball bat which continues its merciless beat.

  I sit up quickly and, holding my head, look around in panic. Lucky for me, I am alone. I take a deep breath and lie back down willing my heart and mind to stop freaking out.

  Much later, I wake up feeling less damaged but super thirsty. The sun streams in through the windows and warms my face. I see water next to the bed along with some tablets and a note which tells me to ‘drink these to feel better.’ I do as requested with pleasure and then I lie in bed for the rest of the morning waiting to feel better.

  Eventually at noon I hear voices in the kitchen and overhear the heated conversation coming from it.

  “You slept in her bed?” I hear Carrie shout at someone.

  “Shh, you’ll wake her,” I hear Nathan mumble in his rich voice.

  “Damn it Nathan, you know this is not what we do…not anymore!” She ignores him and continues to talk loudly. “Have you already forgotten Kate? That nearly destroyed us! Do you want that to happen again?”

  “Jesus,” he says, “don’t you think I know that? Nothing happened okay? She just had a nightmare and I came to check on her.”

  “What? You checked on her with your penis?” she roars back at him.

  “No, damn it!” I hear his tone change. “It’s not like that, okay? Back the fuck off!”

  “If you mess this up for all of us, I swear to God, I will cut your dick off myself! There is no way I can cope with all that shit again!” I hear her storm up the stairs and slam her bedr
oom door.

  What was that all about? Surely she is just overreacting? I know they said the whole ‘no relationship with Nathan’ thing, but damn, we are just close friends. Aren’t we? My head hurts so I stop trying so hard to figure it all out. By four p.m. I finally realize I need to face my embarrassment over a terrible evening and get out of bed. I put on my sweatpants and hoodie and enter the kitchen. I see a sad looking Mandy sitting by herself with a cup of tea in front of her.

  She sees me and stills for a moment. “How are you feeling?” she finally says.

  “Okay,” I reply. I walk past her to get to the fridge and find some ham to make a sandwich. I am not sure how I feel about Carrie or Mandy right now. I feel they let me down by not hanging out with me at the club but on the other hand, I wasn’t any fun to be around so I can’t blame them. I also feel disappointed in myself. I hoped that for one night I could be the person they wanted me to be and yet, somehow I managed to screw that up too.

  “I thought you were having a good time,” she mumbles into her cup. “I had no idea that prick was bothering you. I am sorry.”

  I halt in front of the fridge leaning my head on the open door, wondering exactly what Nathan said to them.

  I turn to face her. “It’s not your fault Mandy. I was stupid that’s all. Thanks for trying to take me out to have a good time.”

  I turn back to the fridge and continue my hunt for the ham.

  “Nathan told us what he was doing. He really gave us shit for not looking after you. I am so sorry,” she tells me.

  I go to her and give her a quick hug. “Mandy, it’s fine, you didn’t know and besides, until he became a prick, I was having fun too,” I reassure her, biting into a lonely piece of ham rolled into a tube. “Besides, you’re not meant to look after me. I am an adult.”

  Carrie comes bounding down the stairs. “Aha! Sleeping Beauty is awake,” she declares dramatically. Gone is her anger from earlier and for a second I wonder if I imagined it. She plops herself down next to Mandy and says, “How are you feeling Sunshine?”