by Cm Hutton
“Hey, babe, where’ve you been? I tried to call you last night.” Even the sound of her voice annoyed me.
“None of your God damned business. What do you want, Abbi?” She followed me through the garage door and into my house.
“Don’t take that tone with me! And, I’ve shown up here for the last five years, the day after Christmas, for this little post-holiday fuck! Why are you acting so weird?”
She was right. I’d never told anyone about it. The first Christmas Abbi left me, she’d shown up the day after Christmas Day. We’d fucked like newlyweds and then she left and it was like a jumpstart to the New Year. It became an annual thing. Only this year, I didn’t want her to touch me…I didn’t want her touching me ever again! I stopped in the kitchen and turned to look at my ex-wife. “You need to leave. I’m done with all this. I’m going to shower and you’d better be gone when I get out.”
“Derek, what’s gotten into you?”
“Someone you’ll never be. Now get the fuck out of my house.” I started to walk away.
“What the hell does that mean?”
I turned back, walked right up to her and looked her square in the eye. “Abbi, I have one question for you. Did you ever want kids with me? Be honest.”
“Derek…I…well…it’s just…”
“That’s what I thought. Hey,” I held my hand up to her, “…that’s totally okay. I didn’t think so. Just see yourself out.” She was still sputtering her words, trying to explain when I took the stairs as fast as my knee would let me and slammed my bedroom door, making sure to lock it. I didn’t trust Abbi not to walk in and try to join me.
I started the shower, undressed and climbed in. I didn’t give a shit about Abbi. My plan was to shower, dress and drive back over to Claire’s so I could wrap myself around her all night. After getting my clothes on, I walked downstairs and Abbi was gone, thankfully. She was unpredictable and I’d half expected her to still be sitting in the living room when I walked in. I searched for my phone and decide to call Claire. Surely, she’d be okay with me coming back over to her house. It was…after 4pm? Shit, I must have been in the shower longer than I thought.
When I found it on the couch, I stared at it, a little confused. I could’ve sworn it was on the bar when I went upstairs. I swiped the screen and my heart stopped. Claire had called and I’d missed it. As I looked through the history for the time, there were actually two calls from her only minutes apart. What the hell?
I touched a few places on the screen and called Claire. Ringing.
“Hello.” Thank God, she answered.
“Hi, did you call? Sorry, I was in the shower.”
“Derek.” Silence.
“Yeah? You okay?” My mind was screaming at me, but I couldn’t decipher what all the alarms were about.
“I need to go, Derek. I can’t talk right now.” Her voice was strained.
“Wait! Why? What’s going on?”
“Bye, Derek.” She hung up. She fucking hung up on me!
I snatched my key off the bar and turned to walk out the door, but stepped wrong and my knee buckled sending me to the floor. “FUCK!”
It hurt like hell. I’d been doing too much, putting too much stress on my very fragile ACL…my second ACL. I laid there for God knows how long, waiting for some of the pain subside and contemplating my next move. I needed my brace and crutches. Of course, both were upstairs in my room. I felt panic start to set in knowing I needed to get to Claire and see what was going on with her. But doing that was going to be slow and painful. I was the biggest fucking moron on the planet. I thought about calling Claire back. Maybe I could get her to come help me…yeah, that just might work. Actually, I’d better text instead.
Derek:
Not sure what is going on, but I need your help. I fell. It’s my knee. Can you come over?
Ten long minutes passed.
Claire:
Is this a joke? Not funny.
Derek:
NO! Really…I think it’s pretty bad.
Claire:
Derek, I swear…I’m so pissed at you right now. So, if this is some kind of game, forgiveness will not come easy, if at all.
Pissed. What the hell was she pissed about?
Derek:
I’m in too much pain to fight. Can we talk about why you’re pissed after you help me?
Claire:
Shit! I’m coming. Hang on. Street?
Derek:
Lago Di Grata Circle. Third house on right. Front door should be unlocked.
Claire:
Coming.
If I wasn’t so focused on getting my ass off the floor, I’d probably be more freaked out about Claire being pissed at me. Later. We’d talk later.
*****
By the time I heard the front door open, I’d managed to sit against the wall near the kitchen island. I felt like a total invalid and fucking moron.
“Derek?”
“In here…the kitchen.” Claire hadn’t been to my house yet, but it wasn’t that hard to navigate. It was a ‘swing front’ stucco house with too much space for just me. I bought it thinking that one day I’d have a family. It was almost an embarrassment now…single guy in a massive house.
I saw her come around the corner and just smiled sheepishly at her. She gasped. “What the hell did you do?” Claire knelt beside me and started gently feeling around my left knee.
I covered her hand with mine, but she pulled hers away. I quickly snatched it back and held on tight. “Hey! What’s wrong with you?”
“Nothing.” Claire jerked her hand out of mine again. “Let’s get you up.” She tried putting her arm under mine so I’d have a little leverage, but I stiffened and refused to budge. Her body was so close to mine and she smelled good. I pulled her down on the floor next to me.
She glared at me and I searched her face…really looking at her and could see her makeup was smeared. She’d been crying. “I was coming to you.”
“What?”
“I was in a hurry, rushing around looking for my keys. When I stepped too quickly to the left, my knee gave in. My crutches and brace are upstairs in my bedroom and there was no way I could make it up there.”
“Why were you coming to me?” She whispered.
“I saw I missed your call. When I called you back, you were upset. You hung up on me. So, I was going to go to your house to find out what was wrong.”
Claire let out a huff. “Now is not the time. Let me help you. I have plans in a little while, so I need to get back home.” She was trying her best to be cold, but she didn’t have it in her.
And now I was pissed. “Excuse me? Plans? With who?”
“I’m not telling you. Let go of me so I can go get your brace and crutches.”
“No, tell me who you have plans with first, Claire.”
“Derek, stop.” I reluctantly let go of Claire so she could go get my stuff. I was afraid she might get so pissed at me that she’d leave my ass right there on the floor and go home.
As she bounded up the stairs, I called out, “Last door on the right.” She hadn’t asked.
A few minutes later, Claire returned with my things, then stepped into the kitchen and rummaged around until she found a large Ziploc and filled it with ice. I worked to get my brace on my knee and tried to stand, but it wasn’t easy.
“Here, let me help you.” Claire wrapped her arms around my waist and steadied me while I stood. With the crutches under me and Claire holding onto me, I made it to the couch and let her help position me so I could prop and ice my knee.
“That was harder than I thought it’d be,” I said as Claire stood back, out of my reach. Not good.
“Yeah, well next time you don’t listen to me and scrap the crutches and brace, call someone else…like your ex-wife.” Gasp.
“What? Wait…how did you…OH, FUCK!”
“Yeah.” She was nodding her head as if I’d just confirmed something. “Well, I need to go. Here’s your phone.” She tossed it
to me so that she could keep her distance, stay out of my reach. She knew me pretty fucking well. “Keep that ice on there. And tomorrow…”
“No. Stop. Listen to me. What did she say? She answered my phone, didn’t she?”
“…call your orthopedic guy. Hopefully, you haven’t torn your ACL completely in two.” Claire turned to leave, but I couldn’t let her.
I tried to stand. “FUCK! Claire, stop…please!” I fell back on the couch. She stopped and I saw her shoulders slump.
“I need to go, Derek. I can’t be here right now. I’m sorry.” She wouldn’t turn around and look at me.
“Claire. Please. Tell me what she said to you. I promise I can explain.” Each word was strained as I forced myself to hold back my anger toward Abbi.
She sighed then turned to look at me. “It doesn’t matter. I knew she was full of shit, Derek. I knew she wanted to make me mad or jealous. I realized who and what she was…Melissa even warned me. I trust you and I knew she was lying…well, about most of it.”
“What do you mean ‘most of it’? What did she say? You can’t leave me here like some wounded animal and just walk away. That’s not fair.”
She stalked up to me, pointed her finger at me and said, “Not fair? No! What’s not fair is calling your phone, having some bitch answer it and then proceed to not only question ME, but to inform me that you were too busy fucking her to answer it yourself. Oh, I knew she was lying. I can smell a liar twenty miles away…I’ve had years of experience with that.” Her voice was dripping with anger…for Jake, Abbi, maybe even me...anyone who’d hurt her. “No, what really got me was the fact the she informed me of her text to you hours ago while we were still together, the fact that you rushed like hell to get back here to meet her and her intentions to give you the family you want…with her. I knew you were rushing for some reason. I’d thought it was...” She waved her hand like it didn’t matter, then kept going, not giving me a chance to speak. Hell, I wasn’t even sure what I would have said anyway. “You asked her about it just today. I don’t know what all was said between the two of you and I don’t give a fuck, but she hit on the one thing that sealed it, ended it for me…the one thing we’ve danced around the last several days.”
“Claire…”
“No. I love being with you, but there is no future for us…” She held her hand up to stop any objection “…not that you’ve asked or wanted a future with me, but I can’t do it, can’t get attached to you.” Her shoulder were set…determined.
“Why?” I had her talking and wanting to know everything. I was standing with my crutches, determined to make her look straight into my face.
“You’re a great guy. You’re kind and loving. But you need different things than I do and I’m too old to play games. I want more with you, but if having your own children is part of your future...if that’s what you want…with Abbi or whoever, then I have to walk away now.”
I wasn’t sure what to say. I stared at her face for a few seconds and then the only thing that came out of my fucking mouth was “Oh.” I didn’t know a lot about girly shit, but I gathered that she’d had that surgery to remove all those parts. My mom had been forced to do that a few years back because of a cancer scare.
I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t disappointed. I felt confused about it truthfully and hoped like hell my face didn’t reflect either one. I mean, I didn’t know Claire well enough yet to know that kind of history about her, not that it mattered or would change how I felt. I was falling in love with her and wanted to know everything.
Suddenly, Claire turned and walked toward the front door.
“No. Don’t leave. Please.” I didn’t have a fucking clue what to do.
“I need to go home.” She didn’t want me to see, but I could tell she was crying. I fought like hell to walk toward her and as I caught her elbow, I said, “Stop. Please. Tell me what just happened. I’m really confused and I don’t want you to go.” Her head dropped to her chest and I could see her shoulders start to shake. She wasn’t hiding her tears anymore. I pulled her to me and wrapped my arms around her body. “Please. I don’t know how to fix it if you don’t tell me…let me in.”
Claire stepped back, but I held onto her arms. I needed to keep my hands on her so she wouldn’t leave. She looked up at me, wiped the tears away and squared her shoulders. I knew I was in for a fight. “Derek, thank you for these last few weeks. You’ve awakened something in me that’s pretty incredible.” I saw her mouth and eyes turn so sad even as she fought not to show it. “If I stay, it’ll only be that much harder when this ends. I can’t do another loss like before. I won’t survive it. So, I need to go now. I’m sorry. I’m doing this for you…to help you.”
“That doesn’t make any sense. I don’t want you to go. I don’t want this to end, so how is leaving helping me? Is this about kids? I mean, shit…” I let go of Claire’s arms and rubbed my hands down my face. Mistake number one.
“Things are just getting started between us. I only brought it up with Abbi because I wanted to finally know if she ever even wanted kids. I knew the second I asked that she never did want them. It was just the whole condom thing that got me thinking more and more about it and now it’s turned into a big fucking mess.” I was getting pissed and couldn’t hold it in any longer. I mean, hell…okay, she couldn’t have kids. But I could still see making a life with her.
My thoughts distracted me just long enough for Claire to walk out the door without saying word. My mind went into overdrive. I started to go after her, but I was still in pain and not moving fast enough. As I hobbled to the door, I played back the last several minutes in my head. My thoughts, reactions…maybe she saw too much in my face, the disappointment. And then, of course I topped it off with ‘It’s turned into a fucking mess.’ Yep, that about summed it up.
Chapter 20
Claire
I lied.
And I ran.
Yes, I’d turned into one of those stupid, immature women I said I’d never be. I’d stayed with Jake. Never ran. But this wasn’t because I was wanting someone to chase me. I wanted what was best for Derek and I wasn’t it. He’d said he wanted a chance to love me when we were in Temecula and it was the most wonderful thing I’d ever heard. I was speechless…and heartbroken all at the same time. I was going to make love to him and enjoy our few days together...maybe longer, even knowing I had to it end soon. But it didn’t work out that way. She’d shown up. Abbi added more stress and angst. I’d called Derek to tell him that I wanted him to come over and spend the night at my place. It was a selfish move, but I’d wanted to enjoy every minute I had with him. Only, a strange woman answered his phone and when I’d asked for Derek, I could practically hear her bristle. It was pure instinct. I knew it was his ex-wife.
Then, I bristled.
When I asked what she was doing at his house, she informed me of her text to Derek asking him to ‘hurry home’ and his response of the time he’d meet her. It made my stomach churn and bile climb into my throat. It all added up. He was in a hurry to get back and meet her. That’s why he couldn’t spend the day with me. I trusted that it wasn’t about hooking up with the tramp. But it was obviously important enough to cut our time short and keep me in the dark about the situation.
Unfortunately, she didn’t stop there. She told me all kinds of nasty things he was doing to her while we were on the phone, but I knew her game. So I insisted that she put the phone next to Derek so I could hear it. Of course, Abbi made every excuse under the sun not to put Derek on the phone. Still, I was fine until she said, “Well, I hope you’re gonna give him a house full of kids, because that’s all he’s ever wanted. Trust me. Maybe I should just go ahead and grant him that little wish. I mean, hell…we fuck all the time just for old times sake. I could give him all the kids he wants. Yeah, maybe I will.” Then, she hung up on me.
Her attitude about it pissed me off. Derek wanted a family, not just kids. And I couldn’t do that for him. So, as much as I wanted to hat
e Abbi, she’d given me enough strength to pull the trigger and walk away. Hell, he all but confirmed what she’d said with his one word answer and deafening silence, not to mention the horribly disappointed look on his face. So, I left, went home and cried.
I wasn’t a martyr.
And I wasn’t assuming that Derek was falling madly in love with me. I wasn’t assuming anything other than my heart couldn’t handle any more sadness. I felt myself getting attached to him and I thought I was okay with it, even if we got to have a little fun for a few months, but I couldn’t risk it. The realization that I had nowhere to go but down, was too much. No matter where Derek and I were headed, I wouldn’t come out the winner. I saw my life with Jake being replayed right in front of me in those few moments when Derek would talk about having children of his own. I saw him loving me, building a life with me and then the minute I told him I was unable to have kids, he hesitated…his eyes changed. The disappointment was there and it was enough.
Yes, I lied. Well, I sort of lied. I didn’t come out and say it directly, but I left Derek with the assumption that I couldn’t have any more children. Truthfully, I could still have kids, was on birth control and never had a hysterectomy, but didn’t want to start that part of my life over again. My kids were getting ready to ‘leave the nest’ and a new phase was going to be starting for me. Derek needed someone a lot younger than me. Someone ready to give him the life he really wanted without the distraction of ex-spouses and step children. So, I walked away. And took what was left of my pride and my heart with me. I didn’t have enough of either to wager with.
I tried to hide the quiet sobs as I left his house. I would be okay. I knew I would. It would’ve been incredible to be with Derek, even for a little while. He’d already given me a new outlook and opened my heart up after Jake. I was grateful he’d stumbled into my life even for a short period of time. I was sad and needed a little time to process it all. I wanted to be his friend and hoped I could. I wanted to continue to be his therapist, but he’d most likely object to both.
