Honest Love

by Cm Hutton

  “Don’t. Really. He doesn’t talk about work. The only time any of us knows anything is when he calls to say he’s okay and that’s usually because wherever he’s been was on TV.”

  “Okay.” I didn’t feel okay. I felt my whole body collapsing into a pile of nothing. “So, he’s okay?”

  “Yes, he spent a few hours at the hospital getting treated for a couple of minor burns and checked out for any other injuries, but he’s home now, I think. I sent one of my brothers to go check on him so I could come here and tell you.”

  “Thank you.”

  Melissa smiled, sat back in the chair and said, “Well, I’m also here to say thank you and if I didn’t already think you were my very favorite person, you’d definitely be at the top of the list now.”

  I smiled, but my mind was still on Derek. “Okay. I’m confused.”

  “I think you did…are doing the right thing.” I slumped in my chair and slowly blink away the tears that threatened.

  “You mean ending things with Derek.”

  “It may feel shitty right now, but I think you did the most noble, selfless thing by walking away from him. I think he understands it now. I mean, he was pissed, but after we talked about it, he understood why you couldn’t let him give up something he’d always said he wanted.”

  “Well, it wasn’t easy to walk away from him, Melissa.” I didn’t know whether I should be grateful that she understood or pissed that she was almost happy I’d broken things off with Derek.

  “I know. He knows it too.”

  I nodded my head, but had nothing else to say. Melissa stood, came around my desk and bent down to hug me before she turned to leave. As she reached my door, she looked back and said, “And, Claire? For what it’s worth, you two would have been great together. I’m pretty sure he’s completely fallen for you, but he is listening to you and really thinking about what he wants his future to look like. I believe that’s a good thing, for both of you.”

  “Thanks. I appreciate that.”

  After she walked out, I laid my head on my desk and tried to pull myself together. I was glad that conversation was over and I could wrap my mind around my afternoon patients, but I had such a heavy feeling about Derek. I wanted to call and hear his voice, but he wouldn’t want me to call. It wasn’t fair. So I went about my day, treating patient after patient until it was time to leave. At 4:30pm, I packed my things to leave. Melissa had left a few hours before me and I was grateful. I didn’t want her asking questions about why I was leaving early. I climbed into my car and mindlessly drove home. There were a few times on my route home, that I thought I’d seen Derek’s big Ford truck behind me, but felt foolish thinking he was following me.

  I showered as soon as I got home and found a modest black dress and heels to wear to dinner at Trulucks. I had time for a glass of wine while I waited for my cab to pick me up. I’d decided earlier in the day that it was best to take a cab to the restaurant to avoid any awkward rides to hotels or in the event that I’d have too much to drink, which was unlikely. I heard a honk, grabbed my clutch and after closing and locking my front door, made my way down to the cab. I couldn’t help but notice a Nissan GT-R just like Derek’s pass by as I leaned down to get in my cab. I felt my heart squeeze at the thought of him, but tried to ignore it. I was losing my fucking mind. I hadn’t heard from him in a few days and probably wouldn’t ever again.

  I gave the cabbie my destination, then leaned my head back and closed my eyes as I worked through memories I wanted to leave behind. I missed my new friend…my new lover. But there was nothing I could do about it. I’d made my choice.

  As soon as we pulled into Trulucks valet area, I saw Rob standing on the sidewalk waiting for me. “Hi.” He leaned in and kissed my cheek. “You look incredible, Claire.” Right there, that very moment, I hated my decision to meet him. He was a dark reminder of my painful past and all those thoughts and feelings came rushing over me. I tried to hide it, but it was clear.

  “Hi, Rob, how are you?”

  “Apparently, about the same as you.” He let out a laugh and I did too.

  “That obvious?”

  “Yeah, maybe this was a bad idea.”

  “I think we remind each other of things we don’t want to remember.” I was honest with him.

  “Yep.” We both smiled. I had to admit that the familiarity of someone truly understanding my pain comforted me.

  “Well, come on. Let’s get something to eat. I’m starved.” Rob smiled at my suggestion and took my hand in his bend arm.

  “Sucks, huh?” He whispered.

  “It does, but let’s not dwell on it tonight and I’m hungry.” I patted his arm.

  “Did anyone ever tell you what a wonderful woman you are?”

  “Just my mom,” I teased.

  “Whatever!” He nudged my side. “You know you are.” I laughed and he leaned into my ear. “Thanks for having dinner with me.”

  I stepped away just as we got to our table and said, “You’re welcome.” We were seated and served before any other strange moments passed between us. We talked about our kids and kept the conversation far away from Jake and Kaye. Not one word was mentioned about either of them and the evening turned out to be really nice, to my surprise. As crazy as Rob was, he was just a man who’d lost his wife to someone else. I understood him and maybe he was helping me understand Derek a bit more.

  “So, are you seeing anyone?” The question was innocent…I assumed.

  “I was for a short time, but we wanted different things.” I wasn’t lying and the reality cut into me like a sharp knife.

  “Oh yeah, like what?”

  “I’m pretty sure he wanted kids. He and his wife never had any and well, I’m a little too old to start over.”

  “Claire, first, you’re not too old and second, if he makes you happy…puts you first, then you should give him a chance.”

  I stared at Rob, totally confused. “This…coming from you?”

  “I know, I’m not the best relationship counselor. But…” He reached across the table and took my hand, “…you deserve someone who will put you first and you know it. There shouldn’t be anyone or anything that comes before you in this guy’s eyes. If the bastard can’t do that, then he’s not the one for you, Claire.”

  I felt sick. Derek couldn’t put me first, but I didn’t say that to Rob. He didn’t have any business in my life with Derek. So I politely said, “Thank you” and slid my hand out of his.

  “It’s getting late. I should probably call a cab.”

  “No. Let me drive you. I have a rental in the parking lot.” This was the scenario I’d been trying to avoid with the cab. But after the pleasant, non-romantic night Rob and I’d had, I figured it would be okay.

  “That sounds good.” I stood. “Thank you for dinner, Rob. It was really nice to see you.”

  “Same to you. Here, let me help you.” He took my arm, helping me stand and led me outside to a rented BMW in the parking lot. I climbed into the passenger seat after he opened the door and gazed out the window. Again, I thought I saw a car similar to Derek’s parked across the lot. All my ‘sightings’ were a sure sign of how heavily Derek was on my mind. It sucked.

  Rob drove to my house per my expert navigational skills and parked in the drive. He walked me through the courtyard at the front of my house and up to the front door. Rob stood awkwardly in front of me. I flinched when his right hand came up and touched the tiny scar on my cheek…the one left there when I got in the way of his elbow during a fistfight with Jake. It was an accident. “I’ll never forgive myself for leaving this mark on you.”

  I placed my hand over his and looked into his sad eyes. Rob’s left hand carefully circled around my waist. He was so familiar to me, comfortable and the friend I needed right then. Pain was what we had in common, but mine wasn’t about Jake…not anymore. “It was an accident. I know you would never hurt me, Rob, so stop. Besides, I don’t want to tal…”

  Before I could finish my
sentence, Rob’s body was ripped away from me and Derek stepped between us, his back to me. “Don’t. You. Fucking. Touch. Her.”

  “Who the hell are you?” I heard Rob’s deep, menacing voice.

  “None of your God damned business. Now, get in your car and leave.”

  My mind registered what was happening and I took a step to move in front of Derek, but his arm came straight out stopping me. “Derek, stop. This is Rob. He’s in town and took me to dinner.”

  Derek spun on his feet and got right in my face. “WHAT?” He was seething with anger.

  I placed my hand on his chest. “Rob. He’s an old friend and dinner was nice.” I was trying to calm him and let him know that I was okay. Rob cleared his throat and I looked around Derek’s shoulder.

  “Claire, do you need me to stay…walk you inside, make sure you’re safe?”

  I wasn’t sure I could stop Derek from going after Rob, but he stood still with my hand still on his chest. Looking into Derek’s eyes, I spoke to Rob. “Rob, this is Derek…the guy I spoke about tonight. It’s okay. Thank you for a great evening.”

  Rob moved a little, so I took my hand off Derek’s chest and stepped back around him to face Rob. “Claire?”

  “I’m good, Rob.” I smiled, took his hand and walked a few feet away from Derek’s glaring stare. I turned and gave him a big hug, whispering, “Thank you. Take care of yourself, Rob. I’m okay. I promise.” I lied and I was certain he knew because he squeezed me a little tighter and he let out a long sigh as I said the words.

  “Call me if you need anything. Please.” His voice was quiet so Derek wouldn’t hear.

  I stepped out of his arms. “I will. Have a safe flight tomorrow.”

  He leaned my way and placed a kiss right on the tiny scar, making me smile. “Good night, Claire. I miss you.”

  “Bye Rob.” He walked to his rental car and drove away. I closed my eyes and stood still for several minutes. I didn’t want to turn around and face Derek. He was going to be pissed and I wasn’t sure I was in the mood to fight him. I was actually surprised he hadn’t lunged and taken a swing at Rob for kissing my cheek.

  “Claire?” His voice jolted me.

  “Yes?” I hadn’t moved, hadn’t turned around.

  “Look at me, please?” No.

  I took a few deep breaths and after several long seconds, I turned around.

  He didn’t say a word. He was looking up and down my body, then locked his eyes with mine. Neither of us moved for a long time. I needed to break the spell, so I said, “Good night, Derek,” and tried to walk past him. But he grabbed my arm, stopping me.

  “He shouldn’t be touching you.” I looked at his handsome face. He had a bruise next to his eye.

  “It doesn’t really matter, Derek.”

  “Yes, it does.”

  “I disagree. Now, I need to go inside. Thank you for…whatever you thought you were doing to protect me.”

  “I’m not letting some other guy touch you. You’re with me, Claire. Mine.”

  “No. I’m not. But I appreciate you looking out for me. Now, let go of my arm, please.” I wasn’t angry or upset. I was just numb. He let his hand drop, but stood right where he was and as I glanced at Derek, I got a good look at the red burned spots on his arms. I didn’t touch them, but I wanted to. “I’m glad you’re safe. Please be careful. I’ll always worry about you, you know.”

  I kept walking toward my front door. Right as my hand touch the knob, Derek said, “You were right.” I froze for a second then turned around.

  “What?”

  He stepped in front of me, his face close to mine. “You were right. I need some time to really think about what I want my future to look like. Right now, all I see is you. I want you. But for us, I’m going to take a little time and really, really think about what you said. I know I’m taking the risk of losing you forever by doing that. Either I’ll decide I truly want children of my own or you will find someone else before I can get my shit together, but I wanted you to know that I…I understand.” He paused, ran a hand through his hair and continued, “And God, I miss you so much. Hell, it’s only been a few days, but my feelings for you are only increasing every single day. So, I’m asking you to give me a little time.”

  I loved that he was so honest with me. “I miss you, too, more than I want to admit, actually. Thank you for being honest with me. I don’t have plans with anyone else, Derek…not now at least.” I saw his jaw tighten. “I can give you some time, but you need to realize what you’re asking. You want me to wait around so you can break my heart when you decided we want different things. You’re asking me to give you the power to decide my future. I’ve been down that road, remember?”

  “You’re right. I didn’t really think about that.”

  I placed my hand on his heart. “I can give you a little time, Derek. What I want is a life outside of being ‘mom.’ I want a life that makes me feel wanted. I want someone that can always put me first just like I will him. If that’s not for you and you’re not him, it’s okay. Walk away—move on—enjoy your life because one thing’s for sure, I’ll never be the cause of someone’s regret…not ever again.” I smiled and turned my back to Derek. “Good night.” I stepped inside and closed the door without another word. I didn’t wait to see Derek leave. I couldn’t.

  Chapter 23

  Derek

  I had no fucking idea what to do. I left Claire’s house three nights ago after restraining myself from nearly killing that Rob dude for touching her. At first, I didn’t know who he was and when she told me, I was even angrier. I mean, fuck! That was the guy that had attacked his own wife, then injured Claire when he and Jake were trying to beat the shit out of each other. I’d held it together the best I could. I mean, shit…I’d been following her, waiting for an opportunity to just talk to her about everything. My cell phone was burned up in the explosion and I hadn’t replaced it until that very day, so I was left with stalking her like a lunatic. I had no idea she’d be going out on a date…or whatever the fuck that was. Now, here it was, Monday night, New Year’s Eve and I was alone…again. I wondered if Claire was spending it alone too. I closed my eyes and cringed at the thought of her with another guy. I didn’t know if I could ever get past that even if we didn’t end up together.

  Therapy on my knee was starting again the next day and I was excited to be able to see her, talk to her. I’d assumed she would still be my physical therapist. Melissa had better not screw me and give me to someone else. Surely she wouldn’t…well, unless Claire requested it. Shit, hadn’t thought about that.

  My phone rang.

  “Hello.”

  “Hey there, babe! What are you doing for New Years?” Abbi. Her voice was like sharp, painful needles stabbing into my head.

  “Why are you calling me? You’ve done enough damage.”

  “Oh, stop! You and I both know that weak, sad little woman wasn’t for you. She’s too broken. You don’t like broken women. Right?”

  She was right, but I’d be damned if I admitted it to her. I wasn’t one to be attracted to weak, feeble women, but that wasn’t my Claire. She was a fighter. She fought to save her marriage…one that her ex didn’t invest in even from the very beginning like he should have. She’d moved here with her kids to start all over. No, she wasn’t weak. Look at what she was trying to do for me.

  “Abbi, stay away from her. You don’t have a fucking clue what Claire is all about.”

  “Derek, I’m not worried about your latest conquest. I know you, remember? You’ll never be over me. You know it. I know it. So, why don’t we spend New Year’s just fucking? Maybe you’ll get that kid you’ve always wanted.”

  Her words made me feel sick. “What happened to you, Abbi? You’ve changed so much from the sweet girl I met in college. You were never so cold and heartless before the fame and fortune. Is it my fault?”

  She laughed. “No, Derek, I’m the same person. You chose not to see it. You’ve always had such a clouded vie
w of people. This world is not the cookie cutter place you thought it was. People disappoint each other, fall out of love and move on…that’s the reality of life. But we can still find some fun here and there. So, what do you say…want to spend some time making a few fun memories?”

  All I could think about were the endless conversations Claire and I’d had over the last few weeks and the love that was so evident in her eyes and in her smile when she talked about her three kids. Abbi talked about kids like a consolation prize. She didn’t care about anyone but herself. I wanted to experience being a dad, but with someone who would be as happy about it as I would. Maybe Claire wasn’t that person. The reality of that was too painful to contemplate, but I didn’t let my voice reflect it. Instead, I sent my ex-wife packing.

  “Go away, Abbi. I’m done with you, forever. I don’t want you or your craziness anymore. What I want is Claire.” I knew it for sure.

  “Sure…whatever, but she doesn’t want kids does she, D? She can’t give you what you want, right?”

  “Good-bye, Abbi. Don’t call me and don’t show up at my house…ever again.” I hung up, slumped into my couch and felt the weight of the world on my shoulders. It was dark outside and I wanted to go see her, but I didn’t. Claire needed space and I did too. We’d fallen so far so fast and neither of us were prepared. But it was killing me. I wanted to hold her next to me and just forget about all the stupid shit. She was my other half, I was convinced.

  I looked at the clock. It was just before ten o’clock. I’d been laying in bed for a while and I’d had enough. I needed my girl. I climbed out of bed, dressed in sweats and a tee shirt, then gingerly walked to my car. I didn’t bother with crutches or my brace. I wanted to get to her as quickly as I could. I backed out of my drive and drove toward Claire’s house. I was excited to tell her how much I wanted her…to hold her next to me. As I pulled in her drive and was thinking of ways to wake my girl, I noticed Claire’s house was dark and eerily quiet. I hobbled up to her front door and rang the doorbell. Ding Dong