Pugly Bakes a Cake

by Pamela Butchart

  Rosco (hates TV)

  Bow Bow (snorts)

  Dolly (purrs like a cat)

  Rudy & Daphne (steal babies’ dummies)

  Willow (can’t turn around)

  Bobo & Lulu (like to cuddle)

  Frank (hates horses & Darth Vader)

  Ralph (ear-licker)

  Harley (one-eyed hunk)

  Briegha (food thief)

  Winston (LOVES cheese!)

  Dolly (The Pugshu)

  Manny (wees on people)

  Django (hand-licker)

  Precious (The Pugfather)

  P. B.

  Tobias Roberto Mozzarella Pugly!

  OK, so that’s not my REAL name. My real name is Pugly. But I’m never going to get on in life unless I THINK BIG. And you have to admit that Tobias Roberto Mozzarella Pugly is a

  Pugly is a dog’s name. And I’m MUCH more than just a dog. I’m a pug with

  Clem the cat says that my ideas are RIDICULOUS. But they’re not. She’s probably just too SLEEPY to notice how good my ideas are because she’s a cat and she sleeps ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL the time.

  When Clem isn’t sleeping she’s usually MOANING about something, or telling me that I’m ANNOYING her, or tormenting Clive the fish by STARING at him, or flicking her tail against his tank.

  But Clem is SUPER SMART so when she decides to be HELPFUL it’s GREAT!

  But sometimes she STILL makes fun of me and plays tricks on me, even when she’s helping. Like the time I got stuck inside a wellington boot. I couldn’t see because I got stuck HEAD FIRST but I knew she was there because I could hear her laughing.

  So that’s when I said, “CLEM! HELP!!”

  Clem DIDN’T help. But I knew what would work. So I said, “Come on, Clem! I know you’re there. I can SMELL YOU!” And that’s when Clem got very annoyed.

  She says that cats are much cleaner than dogs (so what?) and washes herself at least fifteen times a day! What a waste of time! Anyway, that’s when Clem came up with an idea to get me out of the boot, and it was to PUSH ME DOWN THE STAIRS.

  When I landed at the bottom I was FURIOUS and I was JUST about to bark at her when I realised that I wasn’t stuck in the boot any more.

  “Told you it would work!” said Clem, grinning widely.

  I think Clem probably ENJOYED pushing me down the stairs but at least it got me out of the boot. I’d been stuck in there for over an HOUR!

  So anyway, I think I know why Clem is a bit mean and she moans a lot and why she can be VERY unhelpful. It’s because she’s worried Maddy loves me more than her.

  We both

  Maddy because she is eight and she is

  But Clem gets a bit jealous sometimes because she used to have Maddy all to herself before me and Clive came along.

  Maddy likes it when me and Clem are friends and so do I because a CAT BRAIN and a PUG BRAIN work very well together.

  So I really, really, REALLY hope Clem decides to help me with my latest BIG IDEA because if it works it’s going to make Maddy SO PROUD of me that she’ll probably give us ONE HUNDRED belly rubs. And I LOVE belly rubs! And so does CLEM!

  I licked Maddy goodbye when she left for school and then I got started on my BEST IDEA EVER.

  I was going to make a CAKE and send it to this brilliant TV show where everyone makes cakes in a big tent! But when I told Clem she said, “That’s a terrible idea. You’ll just make a MESS.” So that’s when I decided to show Clem just how BRILLIANT my idea was by making the YUMMIEST CAKE EVER.

  I grabbed a notepad and pen and began drawing up some plans. But then I remembered I don’t like making plans. They’re TOO DIFFICULT and TOO BORING and they make my pug brain feel like scrambled eggs.

  So I decided just to start making the cake RIGHT AWAY because that would be more fun.

  I KNEW I looked like a PROFESSIONAL BAKER in my apron and a fancy chef’s hat that I’d made out of kitchen towel.

  Clem rolled her eyes and said, “You look ridiculous, Pugly. PLEASE stop.”

  I was getting a bit annoyed with Clem. I’d hardly even started and she was being

  already. I tried to ignore her but she kept saying stuff like, “That mixture is a weird colour,” and, “You’re dropping egg shells in it,” and, “I bet it tastes like feet,” and that made me a little bit cross and VERY clumsy.

  That’s when I accidently dropped the eggs and slipped in all the yellow mess. And the flour went

  Clem rolled her eyes at me and yawned. She didn’t even TRY to help me clear up so I just licked the floor clean by myself.

  Then I decided to ignore her and to STAY POSITIVE and keep making the cake. So I rushed around sprinkling sugar, cracking more eggs and pouring milk. Almost ALL of it went in the bowl, so that was good.

  I eventually looked over at Clem. She was pretending to sleep but I noticed that she had one eye open a tiny bit. I KNEW that she was watching me so I did loads of fancy stuff to impress her like sieving the flour from REALLY high up and using FOUR WHISKS at the same time to give it all a final mix.

  But then Clem jumped up on to the counter and narrowed her cat eyes at me. “You do know that your cake is NOT ACTUALLY going to win the competition, don’t you?”

  “Poor Clem,” I said and patted her little cat head. “Maybe you need a nap.”

  I pointed at the cake tins I’d stacked on top of each other.

  “I’m going to make a cake with TEN layers. Of COURSE it will win and Maddy will be so proud that she’ll cuddle me FOR EVER! I hope she still has time to give you a little cuddle every now and then.” I gave her my best wide-eyed innocent look.

  Clem GLARED at me. Her tail began to flick really fast from side to side. Now I knew she was really annoyed but then she said sweetly, “You’re right, Pugly. Maybe I SHOULD help.”

  “That would be BRILLIANT!” I said. I was really pleased that Clem wanted to help because I needed her to turn on the oven. My paws are too clumpy for fiddly knobs. She might even phone the TV people to get them to come and collect the cake!

  I was SO EXCITED that I took my apron off and started running around the table because I LOVE running round and round the table when I’m happy. It is

  But THAT’S when I spotted HIM out of the corner of my eye. The Evil Squirrel was BACK. And he was sitting on MY fence. And I just KNEW that he was here to ruin my life and stop me winning the baking competition!

  “GET OUT OF HERE!” I barked over and over, and squished my face up against the window as MUCH as I could to try to scare the Evil Squirrel away.

  But he just sat there on the fence STARING at me with his evil squirrel eyes. I got so angry that the Evil Squirrel wouldn’t GET OFF MY FENCE that I suppose I got a BIT upset.

  OK, fine. I went completely BERSERK.

  I began barking and jumping up and down. Then I threw myself against the window. And the chair. And then the table. (I like throwing myself against things when I’m annoyed at the Evil Squirrel.) But then there was an almighty CLATTER and the cake-tin tower came crashing down to the ground all around me.

  “Congratulations,” said Clem. “You’ve managed to bash up every single cake tin. Maybe NOW Maddy will see sense and make you live on a farm, with the other pigs.”

  I could feel myself getting even angrier. Clem’s ALWAYS saying that I don’t really look like a dog (because of my squashed face and curly tail) and that I’m probably really a pig. I keep telling her that I’m NOT a pig and that I’m a PUG and that ALL PUGS have faces and tails like mine. And that we are all

  But she doesn’t listen.

  “It’s not MY fault the cake tins are bashed up!” I huffed. “It was HIM!” I pointed at the fence but the Evil Squirrel was gone. The crashing noise must have scared him away.
/>   “Who, Pugly? Who?” asked Clem, looking even more bored than usual.

  “The Evil Squirrel, of course! He’s ALWAYS spying on me. Every time I come up with a FANTASTIC IDEA, there he is on the fence!

  Lurking.

  Watching.

  Waiting.

  He must be stopped!”

  “Oh, Pugly. What an imagination you have!” said Clem with a tinkling laugh. “There is NO Evil Squirrel out to get you. It must be all that weird food you eat.”

  “It’s not weird food and

  I yelled.

  “Well, I don’t see any squirrel,” said Clem. “I just see YOU causing CHAOS as usual. I’m going for my mid-morning nap while you clear up this mess.

  “Wait! I thought you were going to help me?”

  Clem stopped suddenly, and then she turned and smiled at me.

  “Oh. Yes. Of course. And I have an idea, actually. I saw it in one of Maddy’s mum’s new cookbooks.”

  So Clem jumped up and began reading the cookbook, but she wouldn’t let me see, so I just had to sit and wait while she read and said things like “Ooooooh!” and “Magnificent!” and “Well, that’s just

  and then she snapped the book shut.

  “OUCH!”

  I yelped. “My PAW!”

  “Oh, dear. I’m dreadfully sorry,” said Clem (even though she didn’t look very sorry at ALL). “The recipe says that you need to add the following ingredients to your cake mix. As well as some tuna you need smelly Cheddar cheese and day-old spaghetti.”

  “What?” I said. Sometimes Clem’s voice is a bit yowly and I don’t always understand what she’s saying.

  Clem came really close to me and opened her cat-eyes WIDE. Her tail was flicking like mad. I began to feel a bit scared.

  She explained that if I was SERIOUS about entering my cake into the TV baking competition in the big tent then I’d have to WOW the judges and do something

  “You have to make people GASP, Pugly,” she said. And she was right.

  “Maybe we should add even MORE ingredients?” I said. “We need to make a cake unlike ANY cake anyone has ever seen before!”

  And that’s when Clem’s tail started flicking LOADS. “Onions,” she said. “We must add onions.” And again, she was right.

  In the end, I got SO excited that I decided to add LOADS of leftover stuff that was in the fridge. Clem said that was a GREAT idea and then she called my cake a

  Clem said she’d help by watching. She said even the best and most FAMOUS chefs on TV always have people standing around watching them cook, and talking to them. Then she curled up on the counter and went to sleep.

  And that’s when I heard the knocking. It didn’t sound loud enough to be coming from the front door.

  “Where is that noise coming from?” I said, looking around, and that’s when I spotted Clive. He’d picked up one of the pebbles from the bottom of his fish tank and was banging it against the glass.

  “You’re AWAKE!” I cried.

  I love Clive, but he sleeps LOADS because he’s a really old fish and he even has a bit of a beard. I was REALLY pleased to see him, because he’s the BEST, but he was being a bit weird this morning. He was STARING at me, waving his fins around, and banging the stone against the glass again.

  But then Clem woke up. She yawned, and wrapped herself silkily around Clive’s tank. She looked at him and smiled, and the clanking stopped.

  “That’s better!” she purred. “Now, you must be quiet, Clive, while Pugly finishes his FUSION CAKE. I have to pop out for a minute.”

  And then she uncurled herself from Clive’s tank and slipped out of the cat flap.

  As soon as Clem was gone the CLANKING started again.

  I clambered up on to the counter to see Clive. His little fish face was pressed RIGHT up against the glass. He looked worried.

  “What is it, Clive?” I asked. “Is something the matter?”

  Clive nodded LOADS and began blowing masses of bubbles at me.

  “I’m sorry, Clive,” I said. “You know I can’t speak fish-bubble.”

  He looked really worried again.

  But then I had a

  “Let’s play charades!” I said. “You can ACT OUT whatever it is you’re trying to tell me!”

  Clive nodded eagerly. He pointed to his eyes and then pointed to my eyes.

  “Yes, Clive, I’m watching!” I yelled. I was excited. I LOVED playing charades with Clive.

  Clive began picking up loads of little stones and piling them on top of each other, in layers, like he was pretending to make a pie or a cake or something. Then he used his little fin to cut himself a slice of the stone cake and pretended to eat it.

  But then all of a sudden, Clive’s eyes went WIDE and he clutched his throat with both fins and began flopping all over the tank until eventually he fell down. Dead.

  I banged frantically on the glass with my paws. But he just lay there on the bottom of the tank, eyes closed and completely still.

  I couldn’t believe it. Clive was DEAD! My BEST FRIEND WAS DEAD!

  But then a MIRACLE happened! Clive sat up and opened his eyes. Clive was

  He was alive, but he looked very cross. He had his fins crossed and he was shaking his head at me and blowing bubbles out of the side of his mouth. I had no idea why. But I didn’t care. He was alive! Clive was alive!

  Then Clive did the eye thing again to make sure I was watching. Then he used the little stones to make a face. And the face was CLEM’S face! Then he started to write stone-words beneath the stone-picture of Clem. I didn’t know what the words meant, but they looked like this:

  “Hello, Clive,” came an unexpected voice.

  I got such a fright I sneezed three times in a row, all over Clive’s fish tank.

  “Stop sneaking up like that!” I yelled at Clem. “You’re like a cat ninja!”

  Clem had a weird look in her eyes. “Where’s Clive gone?” she demanded.

  “He’s in there, of course,” I said, pointing to the tank.

  “I can’t see him,” said Clem angrily. “You’ve covered the glass in

  “Oh, sorry,” I said, wiping the glass clean with my paws. “He was just writing something interesting on the floor of his tank.”

  Clem’s eyes narrowed into tiny slits.

  “I can’t read it, of course. But you can read it for me!” I wagged my tail so hard at Clem that my bottom did a little salsa dance.

  “How interesting!” she said, moving away from my wagging bottom. “Of COURSE I’ll read you Clive’s little message.”

  I finished cleaning the glass so that we could see Clive again and the stone words. But they had

  “Clive!” I called. He appeared from behind some weeds, looking even more worried than before. “What happened to the words, buddy?” I asked.

  Clive looked scared.

  “Yes, CLIVE,” said Clem, sweetly. “What happened to them, BUDDY?”

  Clive gulped and blew out a few tiny bubbles.

  “What’s he saying, Clem?” I asked. “Can you speak fish-bubble?”

  “He’s saying that your cake is going to be DELICIOUS!” said Clem, pushing her face up to the glass. “Isn’t that right, Clive?”

  I looked at Clive. He nodded slowly, and then winked at me when Clem looked away. I winked back. How cute! A wink must mean

  in fishy!

  While the cake was baking I decided to call EVERYONE to tell them that I was going to be on TV and maybe even the news because I was the first dog ever to bake a cake.

  But Clem said that I should wait and show my MASTERPIECE to Maddy first, before I was taken off to be on TV and my cake was shown to the Queen and then put in a cake museum.

  Clem said that I should take the FIRST BITE so Maddy could see how SPECIAL it was, and I agreed. I couldn’t WAIT for Maddy to get home and be proud of me!

  “Have you decided how you’re going to DECORATE your cake once it’s baked?” said Clem. Her tail was flicking wildly again. “Beca
use I found a bag of EXTRA SPECIAL nuts in the cupboard. They’re called PISTACHIO nuts and they’re very expensive and LUXURIOUS and Maddy’s mum has been keeping them for a special occasion, just like this one.”

  “I don’t know,” I said. “Aren’t nuts a bit boring?”

  Clem smiled. “Not THESE ones,” she said, holding out her paw.

  I couldn’t believe it. The nuts were bright GREEN!

  “They’re PERFECT!” I cried, spinning round and round. “I’m going to sprinkle them ALL OVER my cake. I mean, who WOULDN’T love a green cake?!

  I got so excited that I knocked over the flour again. “Oops! Maybe I should clear up while the cake is baking,” I suggested. The kitchen was looking a bit messy.

  “Oh, don’t you worry your little puggy head about that,” said Clem. “I’ll do it for you. You’ve worked SO hard today, Pugly. Why don’t you go upstairs and have a little rest and leave EVERYTHING to me.”