You Loved Me At My Ugliest

by Evie Harper

Sarah jumps up and down telling Nick the news, and next he looks to me for confirmation. I nod with a smile, and then he runs back to his room while I scoop up his car keys and wallet.

  Sarah snatches the keys from my hands and walks quickly to the front door, and I shout, “Shotgun!” I hear her laugh and begin running out the front door. Damn, she’s going to beat me.

  Nick’s chuckle from behind has me stopping and turning toward him. He’s shaking his head as I hand him his wallet, and he locks the front door.

  “She’s so damn fast,” I say with a slight pout.

  Nick laughs. “I love how well you get on with my sister.” He kisses my cheek and puts his arm around my shoulders as we walk to his blue SUV.

  “It’s hard not to love her. She’s annoyingly adorable. I want to squish her cheeks all the time.”

  We reach his car, and Sarah’s already sitting in the front passenger's seat with a huge grin on her, face. I poke my tongue out at her, and she laughs loudly at me. I shake my head at my juvenile actions, but a smile graces my lips. Sarah brings out the fun side in me, the side that let's go of the pain and memories.

  We start our drive to the hospital, and while I listen to Nick and Sarah chat in the front, I stare out the window and remember only a few months ago when I would never have gotten into this car to go to such an important event like this, when I felt ashamed and unwanted.

  The rose garden looked stunning. Rose petals sprinkled the ground from the back door all the way to the entrance of Emily’s garden, and white, wooden chairs were placed along either side of the rose walkway with candle lamps hanging from the surrounding trees. I’d never seen anything so exquisite before in my life.

  I stood in the back, on the left-hand side, in my dark purple, stretch satin cocktail dress, with my hair in a side bun with pretty curls.

  Nick tried to get me to sit in the first row, so he could see me as he stood as a groomsman next to Dom, another groomsman, and Jake, the best man. I shook my head. I felt like a fraud. I wasn’t family. I was lucky they took me as their friend. I was part of the reason Emily and Kayne were kept apart for so many years. How on earth I received an invitation to their wedding was incomprehensible.

  I looked to the ground as shame filled me.

  I glanced up at Nick laughing with the guys and knew this wasn’t somewhere I should be. I didn’t deserve to share this happy time with these amazing people.

  Turning around, I walked hurriedly down beside the house toward my car. My strides were quick as I made my way through the many cars parked on Kayne and Emily’s front lawn, but I stopped when I saw Lily dressed in a light pink, floor-length gown, her blonde hair in a beautiful French twist, leaning against what I recognized as Jake’s black SUV, her arms crossed over her chest.

  Spotting me, she smiled.

  I flashed a quick grin, hoping it didn’t look too strained and then kept my eyes to the ground as I continued on to my car.

  “Alexa?”

  My eyes swung to Lily straight away after hearing the concern in her voice. I watched helplessly as she walked straight to me.

  No. No. No.

  “Hey, Lily, what are you doing out here? You look as though you’re ready to walk down the aisle to get married yourself,” I say with a forced, joyful tone.

  Lily glanced down at her gown and silver flats which were covered in rhinestone crystals. “I thought the bridesmaid was supposed to wear a hideous frock with huge bows all over it.” Lily laughed. “Luckily for me, I have an amazing soon-to-be sister-in-law.”

  Lily tipped her face up and stared at me, her expression turned serious. “Actually, I was out here waiting for you. I saw you fighting Nick on sitting with everyone. I remember what it felt like to be new here, Alexa, the perception of not belonging. Jake, Emily, their parents and Kayne, it’s incredibly intimidating to be surrounded by such amazing people and the fact that they actually want you here. They want you to be a part of their lives... it’s scary.” Lily giggles before she continues. “Jake caught me trying to leave many times.” Her face changed from happiness to sadness in a heartbeat, and she gestured to our surrounds. “New place with new people when all you want is the old is tough. Loss, change, it’s never going to be easy, but before you get in this car, I just wanted to tell you what Jake would always tell me. You are wanted here.” Lily smiled and then began to walk away as tears threatened to fall down my face.

  “I didn’t save you. Sasha..." My voice trembles. “How can you even bear to look at me?” I whisper, half wishing she didn’t hear me, and the other half hoping she did.

  Stopping, Lily turned toward me. She took my hands and with a determined and thoughtful expression, said, “When will you understand, you were just as much a victim of Marco’s as Sasha, Emily and I were.” Lily embraced me and spoke softly into my ear, words I didn’t even know I’d been desperate to hear. “I forgive you.”

  A cry exploded from my lips, and I grabbed hold of her tightly, hoping the strength of my hug conveyed how sorry I truly was.

  Lily pulled back and wiped my tears away with her fingers. “We all have our own actions to live with, but the difference between us and Marco is that our actions came from an intense and profound place.” Lily placed her hand over her heart and continued, “A place with no right or wrong. Life gives you choices, but love, love only has one road, and it’s paved with sacrifice.”

  “Thank you for not giving up on me, even when you probably should have.”

  “Giving up isn’t in my genetic make-up,” Lily said with a smile. “Come on, let’s get you a seat before they’re all taken.” Lily put her arm through mine, and we walked out to the backyard. Once again the beauty of Kayne and Emily’s backyard caused an awed sigh to slip through my lips.

  “I know,” Lily answered, while also staring at our stunning surrounds. “Wait until Emily sees it all. Many tears will be shed, and even though they will be happy ones, Kayne will hate every one of them.”

  “He’s a good man.”

  “He’s the perfect man for her,” Lily stated.

  I nodded and Lily took me to a seat in the fourth row. I smiled because it was where I would feel comfortable.

  Lily left and a few moments later, the music started and all the guests stood.

  The first person out of the house was Emily’s father, Ken, and then Emily appeared on his arm dressed in a stunning, capped-sleeved white gown. There were no sparkles, no flashy materials on the dress, only a gorgeous woman in a simple, stunning dress. She held a beautiful bouquet of white roses and her brunette hair was in a low, chic bun, with no veil, a picture of class and perfection.

  Emily saw the backyard for the first time. Her eyes widened and her hand slapped over her mouth. She shook her head as if not being able to believe what she was seeing. Her eyes glassed over, making it obvious she was trying not to cry.

  Ken walked his daughter down the aisle to her future husband, Kayne.

  Emily’s father gave her away, tears streaming down his face. I was sure once upon a time, he thought he’d never have this moment with his little girl.

  Emily jumped into Kayne’s arms, and they held each other for a long moment. Eventually, they pulled back and Emily gifted Kayne with a grin. He traced her lips, her smile, with his fingers and then kissed her gently, a kiss that portrayed a million promises he was making to her.

  Every one of the guests sighed and then the celebrant began the ceremony. They used traditional vows and Kayne never once let go of Emily’s hands.

  “Lex?” I jolt and turn to Nick, who is looking over at me from the driver's seat.

  “We’re here, you ready?”

  I open my door and say, “Yes,” with a smile.

  Nick and I walk in behind Sarah, holding hands. We reach the reception as a lady is directing Sarah where to go. We follow Sarah to a waiting area in the birthing suites, and when we arrive, we find the room is a hive of activity. Emily’s parents, Jake, Lily and Dom are eagerly waiting for the news. Sara
h walks in and says hello to Ken and Barb, and then to the newlyweds.

  Before we can even sit, Kayne runs into the room, pale, sweaty and shaky. He stands motionless for a second, looking unsure of what to say and then finally, he yells, “It’s a boy!”

  The women scream and the men shout their congratulations.

  Kayne, still standing frozen, looks round the room, and then a massive grin explodes on his face. He then, just as suddenly as he entered, he turns and flees the room.

  Grinning at Kayne’s reaction and the amazing news, we congratulate Ken and Barb on their grandson, and Jake and Lily on their nephew.

  “So, any predictions on what you might be having, Lily?” Sarah asks.

  “A little girl just like her mother,” Jake interrupts and rubs Lily’s still flat stomach.

  Lily looks up to Jake and smiles. “Or a little man just like his father.”

  Watching Lily and Jake together, I can see how even ‘The Collection’ couldn’t keep them apart. They will forever be a part of history. The two people with the most to lose found something worth holding onto. They never gave up. They fought and walked away together, not whole, but together they formed a whole.

  A nurse enters the waiting room and asks for family to head in to visit Emily and the baby.

  Ken, Barb, Jake and Lily shoot up out of their seats and follow the nurse.

  Nick, Sarah and I take a seat and talk about Kayne’s hilarious reaction to him becoming a father.

  Soon enough, Ken and Barb come out and tell us two more people can go in. I let Nick and Sarah go ahead, as they have known Emily a lot longer than I have.

  A little while later, Jake and Lily come out and head off with Barb and Ken for lunch, saying they will be back again for the afternoon.

  Sitting alone in the waiting room, my mind drifts to my Aunt Ash. I wonder if she would like where my life has taken me now. Would she think I’m a coward for staying in a relationship because it’s safe and normal? The longer I think about Nick and me, the more I realize I’m being a fool. I care for him so much, but it will never be love. It won't ever be enough to marry or start a family with him. I don’t want to break his heart, so I need to end things soon, before he gets any more attached to me.

  I try to imagine what my mother would say, but honestly, I can barely remember my parents or my little brother, Cole. One thing my mother used to say, though, will always stay with me, but although, her voice has distorted. However, I’ll never forget the meaning of her words. “My perfect little girl, the man you choose to marry, will be very lucky.”

  I chose.

  But he didn’t choose me.

  My heart slams against my chest as it begs to be freed, to run to the one it wants. Instead, I calm my breathing and lock my heart back up, chains and all. No good can come from finding him, from being disappointed again.

  Noticing Nick and Sarah coming back to the waiting room, I wait with a smile upon my face, trying desperately to hide my broken heart.

  Nick walks over to me straight away and kisses my cheek. “Emily wants to see you, room 203.”

  “Okay,” I say softly and stand.

  I glance over at Sarah, and she gives me a wink. I flash her a smile on my way out.

  I find Emily’s room, the door half open. Standing in the gap, I see Emily’s sitting up in a hospital bed, smiling down at her baby boy in her arms. Her head lowers and she kisses her son's nose and says, "My life led me to you, and I promise to never waste a moment of it living in the past."

  I feel as if I’m intruding on a special moment, so I turn to leave, but stumble instead, making the door open wider. Emily sees me standing there.

  Her eyes light up, and she smiles. “Hey, Alexa, there you are. I was wondering if you would be coming to see us.” Emily moves her son around in her arms and speaks to him, “Chase, meet Alexa, a very brave woman who once saved mommy’s life.”

  I try to laugh, but my emotions are too much for me in this moment, and I cry instead.

  “I hope those are happy tears,” Emily jokes, but I also hear the seriousness in her tone.

  I nod and say, “You have no idea how happy I am for you.”

  “Thank you,” Emily replies softly and gestures for me to hold her son.

  I nod and stretch out my arms for Chase.

  “I hope one day I can say the same to you,” Emily states and my eyes widen from her words. I observe a soft, knowing expression on her face, one that tells me she can see straight through my happy exterior to my broken heart and shattered dreams.

  “I hope so too,” I reply and take her son in my arms.

  He is light, soft and asleep. He’s the product of true love. I have no doubt he is meant for great things in his life.

  Kayne walks in, and we all sit around and talk for a while before Chase becomes unsettled. Kayne swoops in quickly to take him from me and tries to comfort his son; however, it doesn’t work so they decide he must be hungry. I say my goodbyes and when I’m almost out the door, I peek over my shoulder and find Emily smiling down at her son with Kayne kissing her forehead: picture perfect.

  Walking back to the waiting room, I suddenly halt when I hear Nick and Jake having a heated conversation. I lean against the wall, knowing I shouldn’t eavesdrop, yet the urge to know what these two best friends could be fighting about wins out over my conscience.

  “You have to tell her, Nick. She deserves to know.”

  Tell her?

  “Why? She’s happy, and she’s getting over him. If I tell her now, it will ruin everything. She’ll blame herself.”

  "Or she’ll go find out for herself, and that’s what you're afraid of, isn’t it? That’s why you won’t tell her.”

  “And what if I don’t? She knows he’s not safe, but she’s living with it. She knows he could die from what he’s doing, and she’s living with that fact, too. Why the hell should I tell her Joseph may be dead? He left her behind. Why should she mourn a man who didn’t love her enough to stay.”

  Oh, my God!

  I rest my hand against the wall to hold myself up. My mouth dries, my breathing ceases and my body bows forward as I try to make sense of Nick's words.

  May be dead?

  “If you keep this from her, you’ll never have an honest relationship with her. You'll be dooming it before it’s even begun."

  Jake appears from around the corner, and his eyes widen when he sees me. His face turns ashen as he realizes what I heard. He reaches out to try to hold me up. “Shit. Alexa, we don’t know for sure.”

  At Jake's words, Nick races around the corner. I’m torn between wanting to scratch his eyes out for lying to me and wanting him to hug me, to take me back to safe and normal, where this kind of pain doesn’t happen, where I was happy not feeling anything at all.

  Nick reaches for me, and I push them both off me and stand up straight, my chest rising and falling fast.

  I look to Jake and firmly say, “Tell me everything.”

  Nick sighs, shakes his head and leans against the wall, staring down to the floor as Jake begins.

  “Two weeks after Joseph left, we lost contact with him.”

  My body shakes and my eyes grow wide. “Two weeks!” I shout. “Jake, I asked you to tell me if anything happened to him,” I say with a plea in my voice, trying to understand why I was deceived.

  “That’s when he dropped contact with us, but we have contacts in Mexico and knew Joseph was alive, and he was living and working with his Uncle Michael. Joseph may have found it too dangerous to stay in contact with us, and that’s why he had to stop.”

  I shake my head. “I’m confused. Is there new information?”

  “Three weeks ago, he completely dropped off the grid after a meeting with a man named Serrano, one of the biggest drug and gun distributors in the United States. Serrano buys the products from Michael O’Connor. The meeting was supposed to be a simple drop and pay, but ever since then, Joseph hasn’t been seen.”

  I turn away from Jak
e and grasp my hair with my hands in disbelief. “Jesus, guns and drugs, Joey,” I say angrily to myself, wishing Joey was right in front of me, so I could slap some sense into him.

  I twist back to Jake. “Three weeks, are you sure? Are your contacts positive no one has seen him?”

  “The O’Connor family does not go unnoticed in Acapulco. Michael and his three sons have been spotted, but not Joseph. If he was seen, we’d know about it.”

  “I have to go to Acapulco. I need to know if he’s dead or alive.” The last word comes out strangled and a stray tear escapes.

  Jake begins to speak, but Nick interrupts him. “No. No way. It’s too dangerous.”

  My eyes flare with anger, and they shift to Nick.

  “I have to agree with Nick, Lexi,” Jake interrupts, and my angry gaze swings to him. “Let us go. We’ll see what we can find out. You going over should be a last resort.” Jake's consideration for my safety causes my face and temper to soften.

  I am scared of walking into a new world, one where I am at the bottom of the food chain, but I’ll be damned if Joey and I put these people through anything more.

  “I’m going. And I’m going alone. Neither of you nor anyone else will be coming with me. Joey is my past, my family,” I whisper the last word because my world turns on its axis as I realize that no matter what I may want, Joey has been my life and my family for longer than I care to admit. At some point growing up, I included him in the same space in my heart as my parents, as my brother and as my aunt. Giving up on Joey would be like giving up on them.

  My life has never been normal, safe, or even remotely what I dreamed it would be. It’s been both horrible and wonderful, both parts Joey, both parts me. I can’t let him go, and if I have to, if he’s gone from this world, I need to know.

  “Lex,” Nick says softly.

  I look to him and see the hopelessness on his face, the fear that he’s lost me or if not yet, will he?

  I also know he’s going to try and talk me out of going alone. I’m not a fool, I know the risks I’m taking, but I’ve lived through a madman’s world before and survived. I can do it again. I’ve become very good at looking after myself. Fool-hardy or not, this is the only way forward for me.