You Loved Me At My Ugliest

by Evie Harper

  “I was going to tell you. I was waiting for the right time, and that moment wasn’t going to be in this house.”

  Joey gives me a small smile, but it doesn’t quite reach his eyes, which are still lit with the same tortured look from earlier.

  “I’m so sorry I hurt you,” I apologize, sincerity clear in my voice.

  “Probably no more than I’ve hurt you,” Joey mutters. He places his hands on my knees. Looking at me keenly, he continues, “I want to forget about all of this, the past pain. After we deal with Michael, we focus on our future, okay?”

  I’m not sure we can get over the hurt if we don’t ever talk about it.

  "Joey, I think we should talk about Nick. Won’t that help us move on?"

  "Do you love him?" Joey’s question comes out of nowhere.

  "No, I don't," I reply quickly and honestly.

  Joey stands from the bed and takes his shirt off. "Great, then we'll talk about it later, as in never." I can tell he’s desperate to move on from this conversation, but I’m afraid the questions between us will build a wall between us.

  I stand from the bed and place my hand on his arm. “I don’t want this between us, Joey. I want to be honest with you, about it all.” If it were me, I’d want to know everything.

  Joey roughly scrubs his face with both hands. “I’m struggling not to get on a fucking plane and go and kill the best friend of a man I respect and really don’t want to be put through any more pain, so please, Lexi, for the safety of Nick, Jake and myself, let’s never talk about this again.”

  Hmmm. Maybe Joey’s right. As a woman, I want to know it all. Perhaps men are different. Maybe less knowledge is better.

  “Bottom line, Lexi, you left him to come to me. In the end, that’s all I need to know. Even knowing and living with my ugly past, you chose me.”

  At Joey’s words, my lip's tip up and warmth flows through my body as if the sun decided that moment to start shining down on me.

  I squeal and run to Joey. He catches me, and I wrap my arms and legs around him. This time, he also wears a real smile on his handsome face. I rub my fingers over his stubble, and it sends a shiver through me.

  “We’re going to be all right, aren’t we?” I ask, not needing a response. Joey has proved against all odds that we will be, and I know in my soul we’re going to make it this time.

  “Never let go,” Joey whispers into my mouth right before he lowers me to the bed, and his lips touch mine.

  Chapter Nine

  Mine

  Alexa

  It’s party time, and I’m once again standing on my bed trying to see my full body in one of the many mirrors hanging on the bedroom walls.

  I’m adorned in one of the five stunning dresses. I chose a deep purple, one-shouldered chiffon gown. The skirt isn’t full, but it's not tight either; it’s light and silky. For a good hour, I skipped around the room imagining being one of the Disney princesses. I burst out laughing from the memory.

  I think I’m losing it. Playing princess dress up in my room while the house fills with mafia bosses and cartel crime families.

  I blame Joey. He makes me feel absolutely safe. Maybe I’m just used to the fear now? Used to this kind of lifestyle, the one where anything can happen and usually does. I stopped wondering what might be around the next corner a long time ago. The only thing that matters is Joey taking that corner with me.

  As I’m jumping down from the bed, my pinned, low bun loosens, and I sigh. Keeping my hair in place is so annoying. Michael sent his personal hairdresser up to do mine earlier. I’m not used to such a boring, stiff hairstyle. My hair is long and full, and I’m used to wearing it hanging loose or up in a messy ponytail.

  I take a seat on the bed and look down at the gown and wonder if I had stayed in California and continued working in medicine, would I have worn a dress like this to an end-of-year work event? Maybe I’d have been married with kids by now? I shudder at the thought.

  I might want kids one day, perhaps. At no time though, have I been the maternal type and maybe that’s a gift since my life is not kid-friendly and might never be. I want to marry Joey. I know that, but I’m not sure I’ll ever be ready to have children. Losing my parents, my brother, and my aunt changed me. Had I been allowed to keep my family, I think my life would have been drastically different. But it is what it is. This is my life, and I lost all those I loved. People die, it’s a part of life, but I’ll never want to pass that heartache on to one of my own.

  My bedroom door opens, and my breath catches as Joey walks toward me dressed in a tuxedo. He looks ridiculously sexy in his suit. His face is cleanly shaven, and his hair freshly cut, brushed to the side and up. His brown irises sparkle with mischief when his eyes roam my body as he moves closer to me.

  “Wow,” I breathe, “you scrub up real good.” I end with a grin.

  Joey smiles, kisses my lips and then says, “You look stunning, Lexi.”

  I smile brightly, but still whine, “I hate my hair.”

  Joey pulls back and inspects my hair. “I love it. I can kiss more of your neck this way.”

  And he does. He kisses my jaw and then down to my neck, just below my left ear.

  I grasp onto his jacket as warmth floods my veins.

  Joey senses what I want and walks us back toward the bed, but there’s a loud knock on my door and a man calls out, “Michael wants you downstairs, now.”

  We pull back, panting. Joey’s eyes are a thunderstorm of desire, a promise of pleasure and satisfaction later tonight.

  “Come on, let’s get this over with,” I say, and place my hand in his.

  He brings it to his mouth and kisses my palm, but then drops my hand.

  I tilt my head and stare up at him.

  Joey frowns and his expression sends an uneasy prickling all through my body.

  “Gabrielle’s father and Michael are downstairs, Lexi. I won’t be able to escort you to the party, but I will be watching you every second. A man talks to you or stands too close to you, I will be there to make it clear you aren’t available, to anyone.”

  Michael’s words in the kitchen about the party and Joey escorting Gabrielle rush back to me. I lower my head and gaze at the carpeting in disappointment. I’m dressed up, probably the most beautiful I’ll ever look and I won’t be able to have one dance with the only man in the world I want to dance with.

  Joey cups my chin and lifts my eyes to meet his.

  “I promise this is almost over, and you already know Gabrielle means nothing to me.”

  I exhale loudly. “I know, Joey. I understand, I do. I'm just sad I won’t be able to walk in on your arm or dance with you in this beautiful gown.” I swing my hips, and the skirt floats against the floor.

  Joey swoops down and kisses me and wraps his arms around my waist. His lips are urgent and strong against mine. He’s promising me forever in the only way Joey knows how to show me what I mean to him. He’s giving me all of him and taking all of me. No permission needs to pass between us; I am his and he is mine, no matter what.

  He releases my lips and presses his forehead against mine, softly repeating our words, “Never let go.”

  I nod, and then Joey turns and walks out of the room.

  I collect my thoughts and emotions, and slip on my black heels. I quickly check my hair in the mirror and scrunch my nose up at how stiff it still looks.

  I reach the door, exhale and step out. I walk down the hallway and the closer I get to the stairs, the louder the party becomes. I descend the stairs in a graceful stride, and when I reach halfway, I freeze. My heart goddamn near explodes as I stare into a familiar pair of green eyes. Nick. He’s standing at the bottom of the stairs with a cautious smile, as if he’s expecting me.

  I forget graceful, pick up my skirt and rush down the stairs. It’s then I notice Matthew standing next to him with a grin on his face. What the hell is going on?

  Nick begins to speak when I grab the sleeve of his jacket and pull him out from the ope
n and under the stairs. Matthew quickly follows. When all three of us are under the stairs and out of sight, I anxiously whisper to Nick, “What are you doing here?” I don’t give him time to answer, I turn my angry gaze on Matthew and demand, “What have you got to do with this?”

  Nick goes to speak again; however, Matthew beats him this time.

  “Now hang on, I didn’t bring him here. I just placed him at the bottom of the stairs at the perfect time you would see him. He introduced himself as Nick, and he was circling the room like a desperate man in need of water when refreshments were being carried on trays right in front of him. I put two and two together. Seems I’m good at that.” Matthew smiles brightly.

  I shake my head and look at Nick, who is watching our exchange with laughter in his eyes.

  “Nick,” I admonish, “this isn’t funny. If Joey sees you, I’m not sure what he’ll do. And Michael will be furious if his pathetic, perfect party is ruined!”

  I worry my bottom lip, wondering how I can sneak Nick out.

  I turn to Matthew and ask the question that is bugging me the most. “Why would you do this? If you want to cause problems for your father, fine, but for me and Joey?”

  “All’s fair in love and war, baby. Tonight, we are more alike than you think, Alexa. Joey is with someone who should be mine. Pay back’s a bitch,” he says with a smirk, and then walks away, leaving me alone with Nick.

  I growl at Matthew’s back and fist my hands in anger. I spin to Nick when I hear him laugh.

  “Lex, it’s fine. It's a party. I’m sure Joseph knows not to cause a scene.”

  I shake my head. “You have no idea.” My voice shows my exhaustion and I only just arrived at the party. I resign myself to what will be a night from hell.

  I decide under the stairs that away from other people is the best place to confront Nick about why he’s really here.

  Nick’s eyes scan my face and dress. He smiles gently and says, “You look beautiful.”

  I give him a grateful smile. “Thank you, Nick. I’m sorry to be forward or rude, but what are you doing here? In Acapulco and in Michael’s house?”

  The smile disappears from Nick's face and is replaced by a look of determination.

  “My first reason is to see you, see if you’re safe, and happy. How I’m in Michael's house? Dom got me in. He’s been working for Frank Lucini for the past year and a half undercover in a gang in Portland, Kentucky. He needs to stick close to Frank for a while, and when I found out he was coming to a Michael O’Connor party, I told him to get me in with him.” Nicks grins. “So here I am.”

  “Thank you. I am happy, and I am safe,” I reply sincerely. “But now you need to leave, Nick. Joey knows I was with you, and he’s not happy about it.”

  Nick scoffs. “I don’t give a damn. He left you behind. If it’s anyone’s fault, it’s his.”

  “I know and so does he.” I look to Nick and hope he can find understanding in my next words. “I hurt him, Nick, and you being here, it’s just rubbing it in his face.”

  Nick sighs. “I understand that, Lex, but I’m not leaving. I came a long way to see you and make sure you’re okay, and I’m going to do just that. I’m staying in Acapulco for a few weeks to make sure that you don’t change your mind and want to come home.”

  Frustrated, I shake my head, trying to think of the right words to send him away and to show my gratitude for him being such an amazing friend. However, while shaking my head, I catch a pair of men’s black shoes, standing to the left. Rapidly, I glance up and find an enraged Joey glaring at Nick.

  Oh no!

  “Joe—” I try to speak, but I’m shoved aside and stumble back a step as Joey grabs Nick around the collar and pushes him up against the stair wall, thankfully still under the steps away from prying eyes.

  “You need to explain very fucking quickly what you're doing in my uncle's house and what the fuck you’re doing talking to my Alexa alone in the dark.” Joey’s tone is rough and low. His voice shakes with what I can only imagine is fury. He drags out my name, and it confuses me as to why he’s doing that.

  Trying to pry Joey’s hands from his throat, Nick replies with a strangled voice, “Making sure she’s safe.”

  Nick pushes harder at Joey a second time, and finally Joey releases him, but doesn’t stand back.

  Nick readjusts his collar and tie, coughs loudly and inhales big breaths as his eyes dart to me.

  Joey steps between our line of sight and growls, “Don’t fucking look at her. She doesn’t want you. Is that why you're here, to try to win her back? You’ll have to kill me first, because she’s never leaving my side.”

  Nick smirks into Joey’s maddening face. Panic and fear surge through my body at what Joey might do next.

  "It isn't her leaving I’m worried about,” Nick spits back, his smile dropping.

  I watch as Joey curls and uncurls his fingers into fists as Nick mentions Joey leaving me in Minnesota.

  I want to scream at them both to stop, to get their attention, but I don’t want to cause a scene. But what’s the use of me staying quiet if soon Joey and Nick start fighting loudly in the middle of a party?

  “Stop it!” I yell.

  Both men look to me suddenly, as if they forgot I was standing there.

  I stand between Nick and Joey and push them away from each other.

  I talk to Nick first. “Do not come here and think you can speak to Joey about me, about our past or our relationship. That is none of your business.”

  Nick’s face softens, and he gives me an apologetic look.

  I then turn to Joey. “You hurt him and not only will you hate yourself for it, I will too. Respect that I had a life when you came here. Nick’s a good man. He came to see if I was okay. Be thankful I had a decent man while I didn’t have you, but don’t be angry. Because you know, I chose you.”

  Joey’s furious stance instantly disappears before my eyes. His gaze holds mine and I sense regret and sadness, but overall, I see satisfaction seep into his features.

  “Give us a minute alone,” Joey says to Nick with a guttural voice.

  Nick doesn’t move and I look to him with crazy eyes, wondering what the hell he’s doing when I just diffused the situation. He gets the point and walks out from under the staircase.

  I gasp as Joey surprises me by hugging me tightly. I lay my head on his shoulder and smile contently.

  “I don’t want him here or anywhere near you, Lexi. I can handle what you had with him when he’s a country away from you, but not in the same fucking city.”

  I lean back and reassure him, “I know, and I promise I understand how this must feel. It’s not something I would want to bear either. I’ll assure him I’m fine and tell him to go home.”

  Joey nods and runs his thumb over my cheek. “I’m sorry if I scared you. He’s the last person I expected to see here tonight, let alone off in a dark corner with you. Matthew is going to pay for not fucking warning me.”

  I laugh, and Joey looks at me confusingly.

  “I’ll tell you later. I promise. Let’s get through the next few hours first,” I offer.

  Joey nods, and we begin to step out from under the stairs, but suddenly, he pulls me back and presses his lips to mine. It’s a possessive kiss that’s only for Joey. He’s not asking, just taking what he knows is his. Me.

  He releases me and stares into my eyes. With conviction and honesty, he says, “He touches you, even just a skim of the back of his hand against yours, and I will take him down, in front of everyone here.” He fists my hair and squeezes gently. “You’re mine.”

  I gaze back at Joey with lust and devotion, and breathe out, “I am.”

  We leave the dark corner at the same time, both of us look to Nick, who is talking to Dom across the room.

  “He calls you Lex?” Joey asks.

  “Umm, yes, he does,” I reply cautiously.

  “Fuck, I hate him.”

  And with those last words, Joey runs his hand across
my waist and walks away.

  I spend the rest of the night avoiding Nick by talking to people who I’m sure I would hate if I knew what they did for a living, I would hate them. Later during the night, I spot Dom standing by a window staring out at the ocean. I decide to walk over and say hello.

  “Hey, Dom.” I expect him to turn around, say hello back and smile, but instead, I got nothing, as if he didn’t even hear me. “Dom?” Still nothing. I think about tapping him on the shoulder, but looking over my shoulder and seeing Joey’s watchful, insane but oh-so-hot gaze is still on me, I reconsider that move. I decide to cough loudly instead. Finally after a loud cough, Dom turns around surprised.

  “Alexa.”

  I smile. “You must have been very far away, Dom. I’ve been trying to say hello for a while now.”

  “Sorry, a lot on my mind lately.” His voice is distant, as if something is still very much on his mind.

  “Anything I can help with?” I offer.

  Dom grimaces and says, "Unfortunately, no one can help me with this.”

  “Well, take it from someone who’s been in quite a few difficult situations, nothing good ever comes from stewing on it. Find a solution and fix it.”

  Dom looks to me with desperation in his eyes, as if he’s begging me for an answer he already knows I don’t have.

  “I’ve destroyed lives. I didn’t know all the facts, and I thought viewing them a certain way would erase any feelings I had, but now I’ve destroyed any chance of fixing it or having it in my life again."

  Hmmm. Obviously, we are talking about a woman, but in man speak. I can do this.

  “You said ‘again.’ If you’ve already had it, then trust me, it doesn’t just disappear. It’s still there. It’s just been knocked down. Help it get back up and maybe you will earn it back.” I end on a smile, very proud of myself for not slipping up and saying her.

  Before Dom can reply, Nick joins us. I offer him a genuine smile, happy to see him. I’m glad to see he’s strong and healthy after seeing him walk away from me so broken at the hospital. It's nice to see Nick himself again, and I really hope that blonde he was talking to earlier will make him even happier later.