You Loved Me At My Ugliest

by Evie Harper

  I tamper down my rage knowing there is no one left here to take it out on. I need to get her home and begin helping her to heal.

  I pick Lexi up like a child, and she comes to me easily. She wraps her legs and arms around me and hides her face in my neck, almost painfully so, trying to get as close to me as possible.

  “I promise everything is going to be okay, Lexi. I’m taking you home now,” I whisper into her ear and kiss her neck.

  I carry her shaking form to my car, where Alex is already in the driver's seat ready to take us home.

  ~~~

  Sweat drips down the back of my neck and water laps at my chest. As soon as we arrived home, I brought Lexi up to my room, laid her on the bed and started a hot bath.

  I undressed her slowly and the more clothes I took off her, the more alert she became, as if my Lexi was steadily coming back to me, out of her nightmares.

  I glance down as she shifts on my chest. She turns on her left side, resting her unhurt cheek against me with her arm bent between our bodies, while her other arm wraps around my waist, holding on tight.

  Placing a kiss on the top of her head, her contented sigh helps me relax a fraction.

  We haven’t spoken yet. I'm unsure of what to say. I’m torn between being happy that I saved her and worrying that I feel no guilt for taking so many lives.

  “I can practically hear your brain ticking over with your intense thoughts,” Lexi says with a smile I can feel against my skin.

  “I’m wondering how you can love a man who kills without mercy. I’m scared for the day you finally realize you can do so much better than this lonely, abused boy who you saved by just holding his hand through a fence.”

  Lexi sits up in the bath and turns to face me, her beautiful naked chest peeking out above the warm water. My eyes slowly move from her nipples to her gorgeous lips, up to her sparkling irises.

  My chest tightens from the sad look in her eyes.

  “I see the pain in your eyes every day. I see how hard you try not to be your father. And that’s why I will never leave you. That’s why I’m all yours, Joey.” Lexi places her hand on my cheek and rubs her thumb over my stubble. “You think killing doesn’t have grey areas? You end a life or hurt someone, and it’s all the same? It’s not, Joey, not to me anyway. There are bad people in this world, like your father, like Michael, and there are good people like Emily, Lily, and us, Joey.” Her hand drops from my face and she takes a big breath in and continues. “Lily once told me she almost killed a man who was going to rape her, but Jake came and she didn’t have to go through with it. But if she had, would that make her a bad person? Or just someone who was pushed into a corner, and the only way out, the only way to save herself was to hurt or take someone else’s life?” Shaking her head, she looks down to at the water. “I don’t know about you, but I understand her better, respect her more for having the courage to fight to live, to be able to protect herself.” Lexi tilts her head back up and I find her eyes alight with admiration. “That’s how I feel about you, Joey. You have real guts. You’re a hard man when you need to be. You could frighten the most dangerous men in this world, but all you ever wanted was me, to protect your mother and to get away from your father. Maybe it’s a little weird, but I find you adorable.”

  A disbelieving laugh bursts from my mouth.

  “No, I do, you could be this badass motherfucker, but instead, you’re whining about sharing my time with your cousins, or are upset because another man gave me a nickname. I love the ways you show jealousy for me, possession for me because it makes me feel wanted, adored and sexy. Some women may love independence but not me. I want you to own me, Joey, body and soul.”

  For the first time in what feels like forever, tears hit my eyes at Lexi’s affection for me. She has said this same thing to me for years, but honestly, I never believed it. When pain is all you’ve ever known, how do you accept that you deserve good in your life? And Lexi is so much more than goodness; she’s pure happiness for me.

  “I’ll never understand how you can love me, but I’m done questioning it. I promise, Lexi, I do want to move on. To stop worrying about an invisible enemy who wants to destroy what we build, when I’m the one who stopped us from creating anything in the first place.”

  Smiling brightly, Lexi throws an arm up in the air and shouts, "Finally, he gets it!”

  A laugh bursts from my lips, and then Lexi slams her mouth against mine. I wind my arms around her shoulders and lick her lips to open for me. I make out with my woman. I claim her mouth, this kiss and her heart. Forever.

  Chapter Eighteen

  To Sarah

  Alexa

  It’s still dark when we step onto the private plane destined for Minnesota. This time, I am with Joey and William, plus a trusted pilot who flew in from California, per Joey’s request to a friend.

  Joey told me that when William woke up from being drugged, everyone was gone including the pilot who we never saw, only heard over the speaker, and they haven’t been able to find him anywhere to question him about how two of his passengers ended up drugged on his plane. By now, he would have heard of Serrano’s demise and gone into hiding. Joey says Alex and Matt are still looking for him and have people watching out for him also. Joey doesn’t think it will be long before we get word that he’s been dealt with.

  William is still coming with us to meet up with his long-lost sister, and Dom. Alex and Matt are staying behind to hire new guys and show everyone that even though Michael is gone, business is still to go ahead as normal. They’re going to strengthen the Coastal Road and weed out any workers still loyal to Michael and in an uproar over his death.

  I peer out the window as the plane taxies down the runway before speeding up the runway and then begins its ascent into the sky.

  I heard the guys discussing future plans downstairs last night when Joey thought I was sleeping. I had been, but I woke to a growling stomach. I tiptoed downstairs to find some food in the kitchen without alerting the men to run to my rescue. I can fend for myself when it comes to scavenging for food. Hearing their quiet whispers, curiosity got the best of me and I padded quietly to the end of the study and listened to their conversation. It was about the business and what they should or could do. But none of them seemed to have any answers. If they did want to get out of the guns and drugs business, they didn’t know what else they could do or even how to get out of it, or who to give the Coastal Road to. They have three hotels in Acapulco they inherited from Michael, but they are all handled by savvy business men, who they trusted to continue doing a great job.

  I walked to the kitchen with a heavy heart. All I heard in that conversation were three men who didn’t give themselves enough credit. The same thing I’d seen from Joey for years. And now it was their turn to walk Joey’s path and learn that without their father’s manipulative ways, and with their newfound freedom, the sky was the limit. They needed only to believe they’re good enough to reach out and take it. I hope to help them, but if they're anything like Joey, they're going to need their own strong women to show them the light, because their childhoods—if William’s whipping is anything to go by—has damaged their view of the world. Darkness needs an equal light to blast its way through.

  Joey’s hand entwining with mine pulls my attention away from the window and my thoughts. I look over to him and give him a small smile.

  He cocks his head to the side with a raised eyebrow, daring me to smile wider. I sigh and snuggle into him, needing his comfort and smell. I can’t even fake being okay right now.

  It’s five a.m., and we’re flying out this early to make it for Nick’s funeral at four p.m. Weather permitting, we should arrive between nine and ten a.m.

  My heart sits heavy in my chest knowing Sarah had to make most of the funeral arrangements without me by her side. That she has to wake up alone this morning on the day she is forced to say goodbye to the only family she had left.

  I will be her family now.

  I wish m
y heart grew lighter knowing I’m on my way to her, but it doesn’t. It hurts more. I think that’s what today will be like: the closer I get to Sarah and Nick, the more my heart will ache.

  ~~~

  The plane lands and my hands are shaking.

  Joey rubs them between his hands and kisses my lips softly. “Stop. They don’t blame you. Nobody thinks it was your fault.”

  I nod, staring down at my Joey’s hands holding mine, begging his warmth to give me strength. I’m more scared now than I ever was of those two men in the warehouse. These are people I look up to and respect. I’m scared I’ve let them down. This feels eerily similar to how I felt when I lied to my aunt or did something I knew she wouldn’t approve of, the fear of seeing the disappointment in her eyes.

  Joey and I exit the plane after William, and my eyes frantically search the area, and stopping when I spot Jake and Lily, holding hands, standing by and waiting for us to walk to them.

  I can’t identify their feelings by their expressions as we move toward them. I shake my head, angry for only thinking of myself and if they’ll cast me out, when they’re saying goodbye to a close friend today. If they hate me, I doubt they would care about my existence on today of all days.

  We get closer and Lily takes her hand from Jake’s and rushes over to me.

  I let go of Joey’s hand to stand on my own, bracing myself for what’s to come.

  Lily’s eyes search my face, and then her mouth drops as she frowns. She shakes her head and says, “Don’t do that again. Don’t even think it. You are wanted here.”

  The fog around my heart clears a little, and my walls crumble as a wave of relief and sadness crushes over me.

  A sob bursts from my mouth and as if catching the sob, Lily wraps her arms around me and stops me from plunging into my heartache. She offers me comfort and strength. The two things I’m desperate for right now, as if I’m re-fueling so I can pass them on to Sarah.

  After a moment, we pull back and Lily smiles. “It’s so good to see your gorgeous face.”

  I return her grin with a watery, shaky one. “It’s great to see yours as well.”

  I sigh on the inside with further relief when Lily gives no hint to seeing my bruised right cheek, which I hid under an enormous amount of foundation. I did not want Sarah to see my face bruised today of all days, hopefully never at all, but definitely not the day of her brother’s funeral. Today is about remembering Nick, not me.

  Lily steps back, and I find Joey closer to me than before. I meet his eyes and give him a reassuring smile, trying to show him that I’m okay.

  Jake embraces me warmly and whispers into my ear, “No blame here, Alexa, only friends wanting to help you heal. Nick cared for you and he died doing what he loves, doing it for someone he cared for. For us men, that’s an honorable death. If it’s our time, that’s the way we would want to go.”

  I nod, sniffling into his shoulder.

  Jake steps back, grasps Joey’s hand and they push together, patting each other on the shoulder.

  “Wish it was under better circumstances, but damn good to have you back in town, Joseph,” Jake states.

  Joey nods, his face staying serious.

  I feel for him in this moment, actually in this whole day. Joey is not good at expressing his feelings and many might think he’s uncaring, but beneath his tough exterior, many emotions are swirling around.

  Joey gestures to William with his head and introduces them. “William, this is Jake and his wife, Lily.”

  I close my eyes and take in this moment. The one just then when Joey spoke clear and loud, but when he said ‘Lily,’ his voice dropped to soft and tender. Yeah, that’s my man, tough with an adorable gooey center.

  My eyes open and I find Lily staring at me with a grin. She winks at me as if knowing exactly what I’m thinking. She puts her arm through mine and we head toward their car.

  “How’s Sarah?” I ask Lily while tightening my hold on her arm.

  “Last night she was doing okay, but today, we aren’t sure yet. She was sleeping when we left this morning. She stayed over at our place last night, wanting to come with us this morning to meet you. But she only fell asleep a few hours before it was time to get up. We heard her walking through the house most of the night, restless. So we decided to let her sleep and when she wakes, you’ll already be at our house.”

  My heart feels butchered, as if it will never heal, so much despair and pain, but I’ve felt this way before. I remember thinking as a little girl after my parents passed that I would run out of tears. I couldn’t possibly cry as much as I did and still have anything left. How naïve I was. The human body takes blow after blow, and each time there are more tears and more hurts than I could ever have imagined one person could handle. The people I know, our inner strength is stronger than most people could ever imagine, most will never have to reach down and use it. I will always be awed at how much pain humans can take and still continue to go on.

  ~~~

  Walking into Lily and Jake’s home is similar to someone placing a warm blanket around your shoulders. Their home is welcoming and filled with soft, brown comforting colors and homely furniture. It’s always been this way since the first time I visited over a year ago. I think it’s them; it’s all Lily and Jake, easy and loving.

  I spy a box in the corner of the entry with a picture of a crib on the side.

  My lips tip up.

  Lily sighs. “Yes, the shopping has begun, but it wasn’t me. I wanted to wait until the three-month mark, but trying to stop Jake from going over-the-top prepared seems to be a feat even I’m not strong enough to handle.”

  A quiet giggle escapes my lips.

  Lily smiles and then points down the hall. “She’s in the third bedroom. She’ll need to wake up now anyway. We need to try to get her to eat before she gets ready. Take it from me, getting her dressed and leaving the house for the funeral, actively getting ready to say goodbye, will be one of the hardest things she’ll have to do today.”

  “Okay,” I say softly, my heart shattering at Lily’s words.

  Be courageous. Sarah needs you strong today. I lift my chin and square my shoulders. I will hold her up today.

  I look over my shoulder searching for Joey. I find him leaning against the door-jamb, staring at me.

  “Go,” he says reassuringly.

  I do. I walk down the hall and into the third bedroom, finding my best friend curled into a ball, her face puffy, tissues sitting loosely in her palms and her red, wavy hair wild against a white pillow. She looks absolutely beautiful.

  I hear footsteps and find William walking into the room. He spots me and rubs the back of his neck looking left and right, appearing lost. He suddenly looks down at a sleeping Sarah and I hear him inhale quickly. I don’t hear him exhale so I reach over and say, “Breathe.”

  His eyes dart from my best friend to me and he expels a heavy breath. I give him a hard look, one that says, ‘I will kill you. She’s off limits.’

  “To-toilet?” William stumbles with his words, which is a first. I’ve never heard him be anything except composed and clear.

  I point to the right, gesturing to the next door, not wanting to speak and wake Sarah up yet.

  He nods and quickly strides away.

  I swear, if Will even thinks about going for Sarah, Joey will not be the only killer in our relationship.

  I close the door and climb into the bed with Sarah, wrapping my arms around her body.

  She stirs and then her body freezes. ‘Lex,” she says in a broken whisper. I nod into her neck. Finding myself unable to speak in fear a sob will leave my lips.

  Sarah’s back begins shaking and her body bends forward. I quickly prop myself up to view her mouth open wide, with silent cries escaping. And then I hear them, what I was so afraid of hearing, what I knew would shatter my heart into a million pieces in an instant. Sarah’s anguished screams.

  She turns her body toward mine and wraps her arms around my body, painfull
y hard. I take the physical pain with no complaints, wishing with all my life, I could take her internal pain as well.

  She cries in my arms for over an hour. I cry with her and sometimes try to soothe her when her breathing becomes erratic and she needs to calm for a moment.

  Eventually, she pulls back and for the first time since that wonderful morning where she welcomed me with a smile and ‘Good morning, sunshine,’ I see her beautiful green eyes. The pain in them slices through my soul like a hot, searing rod, scarring me forever. I know in this moment it’s something I will never forget.

  “Thank you so much for coming back,” Sarah says in a hoarse, soft whisper.

  I stroke her hair back out of her face and reply, “I would never be anywhere else, Sarah. I’m your best friend and you are mine. I’m with you until you heal, until you tell me to get lost.”

  My eyes widen in surprise because Sarah actually laughs. The smile fades quickly, but it’s still something.

  Her eyes meet mine and softly she says, “He loved you.” My face falls and she quickly finishes, “I don’t think he was in love with you, but I think he saw a lost woman, like how he and I were when our parents passed away. I think if you weren’t so damn beautiful, he would have taken you in like a sister.” She laughs again, and again, I’m shocked to the core.

  “You’re laughing,” I say gently. “I love that you are. I just didn’t expect you to be, yet.”

  “I miss him so fucking much. I want to break things all the time, but when I talk about him, my heart doesn’t feel dead all the time.”

  “I understand. Remembering him, it helps me too.”

  “I’m going to die today. There’s no getting around that,” Sarah declares just above a whisper. She tucks her chin into her chest, lowering her red-rimmed eyes while tears fall freely. Each time I peer into her eyes, I see her raw grief, as if there’s an open wound right behind her irises.