False Perceptions

by Michelle Heard

His words come to me, offering me a safe haven from the hell swirling inside my soul.

  “I wish you were here,” I whisper to him.

  Standing in the middle of my bedroom, I close my eyes, letting the memory of my men wash over me.

  My body jerks with every powerful step he takes as he runs us toward safety. I can feel the strength in his arms as he holds me close to his body.

  “I have her. We’re heading back to nest A,” his voice rumbles above me.

  As we come to a stop, I hear a new voice saying, “Eagle, Falcon, and Buzzard, safely in the nest. Waiting for Hawk.”

  “Which one are you?” I ask.

  “Excuse me, ma’am?” he asks as he sets me down on the ground.

  “Are you Eagle, Falcon or Buzzard?”

  It’s stupid that I’m asking him this, but it’s something to focus on.

  “Eagle,” he says, wrapping something around my body.

  I didn’t realize I was shivering until the warmth from the blanket starts to seep into my skin.

  “Eagle,” I repeat reverently.

  “The others?” I ask, needing to know all their names.

  “Falcon, Buzzard, Owl and Hawk,” he says, keeping his voice low.

  “Birds of prey?” I ask.

  “Hunters.”

  “H,” I whisper to myself. “H for heroes.”

  I sit quietly as they move around me. I should be ashamed of the stink clinging to me. I should fear for my safety. I should be reeling from the torment I’ve endured.

  But all of that fades as Eagle crouches behind me, his one knee resting next to my butt, while his other leg presses into the side of my body, from my butt to shoulder, cradling my body between his legs. From the corner of my eye, I see the glimmer of his rifle where it rests on his knee.

  The other men position themselves in a circle around me.

  Overwhelmed that these strangers are shielding me with their bodies, a sob bubbles up my throat.

  “I’ve got you now. You’re safe,” Eagle repeats low in my ear.

  I nod to show him that I hear his words. I wish I could swallow down the emotions so I can tell him just how much they mean to me.

  Opening my eyes, a tear spills down my cheek.

  And then I smile.

  It’s the first time I remembered the names.

  Eagle.

  Falcon.

  Buzzard.

  Owl.

  Hawk.

  My heroes.

  My sanity.

  CHAPTER 24

  HAYDEN

  I’ve been crashing at Max’s place since he came home. I didn’t ask, but I know he doesn’t mind. Sitting next to Max, we both just stare at nothing. It’s as if we’ve become one person. One heart beating against all the odds. One in our loss and grief.

  He got released from the hospital yesterday. His leg is still in a cast, and every few minutes he growls at it.

  “Take me,” he grinds the words out.

  I know where he wants to go. It’s the one place I’ve avoided going.

  I look at him, blinking slowly as I come out of the zombie state I’ve been slipping into where the ache isn’t so devastatingly sharp.

  I see the need in his eyes, and I know I can’t refuse him this. I nod, standing up. Grabbing his crutches, I hand them to him, then I pick up my keys from the table. I hold the front door open so Max can get out, before stepping outside and locking the door behind me.

  As Max settles into the passenger seat, I shove his crutches into the backseat. When I climb in behind the wheel, I let out a heavy breath. This is going to be hard.

  “Needs to be done,” Max growls as if he can read my mind.

  He’s right. There are a couple of things that need to be done. I still need to go see Gabs. I have to give her Mike’s ring and watch. The funerals were such a blur that I never thought to give them to her then.

  We’re quiet on the drive out to the cemetery. As I park, I force my eyes to stay down, instead of searching for their graves in an ocean of headstones and fallen heroes.

  I help Max out of the car, and as he slowly makes his way to their graves, I stay one step behind him.

  He’s all I have left now.

  Yeah, I have Evie, but it’s not the same.

  As a Navy SEAL, you have two kinds of family, the one that’s forged by blood, and the one that’s forged by trust.

  Dave, Axel, Mike, and Max were my family forged by trusting each other with our lives. I never doubted that they would always have my back. They were the only four men I allowed to stand behind me. I trusted no one else to have my six.

  “It’s nice,” Max whispers. He swallows hard before he continues, “Nice that they’re together. They’d have wanted that.”

  It’s the most he’s spoken in days.

  “Yeah,” I say as we stop in front of the three graves.

  We stand in silence for a few minutes, staring at the final resting place for our brothers.

  Max’s breathing picks up, and I glance at him. His eyes are red, his nostrils flaring as his mouth pulls down at the corners.

  I watch as a tear falls and it makes the emotion burn in my throat as I try to hold it back.

  “Fuck,” he whispers. “Fucking wrong.”

  “Yeah,” I force the word out past the bile in my throat.

  Max’s crutches fall to the ground, and I quickly step in behind him. Placing my hands under his arms, I help him to the ground. As his ass hits the grass, with his leg stretched out to the side, his shoulders start to jerk.

  I crouch behind him, and not giving two fucks, I wrap my arms around my brother, holding him as he cries.

  When Max grabs hold of my arms, I can’t hold back the tears any longer.

  Together we cry.

  There are still no words on the face of this godforsaken planet that will describe what we’ve been through, what we’ve lost, and what we had to return to.

  CHAPTER 25

  EMILIE

  It took me four days to build up enough courage to go into town.

  Okay, that’s a lie. I ran out of coffee, and Peanut needed proper dog food.

  Armed with the list of things I need, I sigh as I climb out of the car.

  I glance up at the sign. Hardware. It says nothing else.

  Stepping into the store, I see two elderly men sitting at the counter to my left. Just as I try to sneak down the middle aisle, the one looks up.

  “Can I help you, Missy?”

  “Uhm…” Damn, I was hoping to just grab the stuff I need and run. My shoulders slump as I reluctantly say, “I just need a couple of things.”

  “You’re not from around here?”

  “No.” I wish I could leave it at that, but it’s not in me to be rude. “I’ve just moved into Mrs. Walsh’s old place.”

  “Left poor Genie with that crazy horse,” the other man grumbles.

  “Excuse me?”

  Who’s Genie? What horse? What’s the man talking about?

  “Don’t mind Horace,” the talkative one says as he steps around the counter. Holding out his hand he says, “I’m Gus.”

  “Emilie,” I offer as I hesitantly shake his hand.

  “So, you’re not from around these parts?” he asks again.

  Choosing to ignore the question, because I really don’t want to talk about myself, I hold the list out to him.

  “Can you help me get these items?”

  Gus’ eyes light up as he takes the piece of paper from me.

  “Sure thing, Missy.” His silver bushy eyebrows scrunch together as he looks over the list. “We only have a few gallons of paint in the store. I’ll have to order the rest for you.”

  “I’d appreciate that,” I murmur as I follow him down the aisle.

  After getting most of the things I need, we head back to the counter where Horace starts adding it all up.

  “Is this a one or a seven?” Horace asks Gus. “I can never make out your ugly scribble.”

  “I
f you don’t like my handwriting then you should mark everything,” Gus grumbles.

  “Well?” Horace asks as he glares at Gus from over his glasses.

  “Well, what?” Gus huffs.

  Horace’s eyebrows draw together in a deep scowl. “Well, is it a one or a seven?”

  “Let me see that,” Gus snaps, grabbing the scissors from Horace.

  I bite my bottom lip to keep from smiling as I watch the two men interact.

  “You need new glasses,” Gus lets Horace have it. “There’s nothing wrong with my handwriting. It’s a one.”

  “Are you telling me I’m blind?” Horace’s glare deepens, as he’s clearly out for a fight with Gus.

  “Are you deaf too?” Gus asks.

  Laughter slips over my lips, and I quickly try to cover it with a cough when Horace’s eyes snap to me.

  I finally get to pay for my purchases and go to load everything into the car before walking to the store for coffee and dog food.

  I grab a cart, and by the time I reach the fourth aisle, I’ve loaded up with everything but coffee and dog food.

  “Might as well stock up, then you won’t have to come into town for a while,” I whisper as I grab a few packets of Twizzlers.

  When I reach the counter to pay, I’ve gotten enough food and snacks to feed a small country.

  Loading all the stuff into the car, I actually work up a sweat, which reminds me that I have to start doing exercises again.

  I climb into the car, feeling relieved that my visit to town wasn’t too painful, and that I can go home. The relief is short-lived though. When I pull up the drive, I notice a woman standing on the porch and peeking through the windows.

  Peanut is sniffing around her feet, not being much of a guard dog.

  “Damn,” I whisper as I push open the car door.

  I was hoping to be done with people for a while.

  “Oh, hey. I was just wondering if anyone’s home. I heard I got a new neighbor.”

  “Heard?” The word pops out, wondering who on earth could’ve told her.

  “Gus phoned to tell me.”

  “Gus,” I parrot her.

  “From the hardware. You were just there.”

  “Oh, yeah.”

  Wow, news travels fast.

  My neighbor’s smile falters, and it’s only then that I realize how rude I’ve been.

  “I’m sorry, you caught me by surprise. I’m Emilie.” I smile as I reach out my hand to her.

  Her own smile quickly regains its strength as she shakes my hand.

  “Eugenia, but everyone calls me Genie. I live next door. I’ve brought Jelly back.”

  “Jelly?” I ask. I can’t keep up with these people.

  “Mrs. Walsh’s horse. Jelly keeps wandering over to my house. She likes to steal bananas when she thinks I’m not watching.”

  “Mrs. Walsh left her horse behind?” I ask as a slither of worry creeps up my spine. What the hell am I going to do with a horse?

  “Yeah, so I suppose she’s yours now.” Genie glances at her watch. “Oh dear, look at the time. I have a pie in the oven. The thing will be burned to a crisp if I don’t hurry back.”

  As she starts to jog across the yard, I call out. “Wait. I know nothing about horses. What do they eat? Where do they sleep?”

  “Jelly eats anything, and she sleeps in the barn,” she calls back. “Nice meeting you, neighbor.”

  My mouth drops open as I watch her jog away.

  A horse. You have got to be kidding me.

  Just then something nudges at my back, and I swear my soul up and leaves me as I shriek and spin around, only to come face to face with the horse.

  “You’re really a horse,” I whisper breathlessly. “You’re actually not that big.”

  Slowly I reach a hand out and caress her hair.

  “And you’re pretty.”

  The brown horse just stares back at me with huge soulful eyes, as if it’s expecting something.

  “Are you hungry?” I ask. Not that I know what horses eat. I’ll need to Google and find out.

  I start to unpack everything from the car, all the while keeping one eye on where the horse is.

  Once I’m done, I go sit in the living room and pull my laptop closer so I can Google everything there is about taking care of a horse.

  “Carrots, apples, sugar cubes,” I mumble as I write everything down so I can have the list nearby.

  When I’m done with the research, I get up and grab a carrot. Walking out the back door, Peanut gives the carrot a bored glance before he goes back to staring out over the yard. Jelly’s eyes zoom in on the carrot, and before I can put it down, she comes right at me and takes a huge bite of it.

  Shocked, I drop the other half and watch as she gobbles it up.

  “I guess you are hungry. I’ll get you some more,” I say once I’ve recovered from the scare.

  Walking back inside, I hear the second her hoofs hit the porch. I grab a bunch of carrots, and as I turn around, Jelly pops her head into the kitchen.

  Laughing, I give her another carrot before using the others to get her off the porch.

  “I can see I’m going to have my hands full with you and Peanut.”

  CHAPTER 26

  HAYDEN

  “You ready?” I ask Max.

  “Yeah,” he whispers.

  We get out of the car, and I quickly go to grab Max’s crutches from the back seat. Handing them to him, I wait until he’s ready before we walk to the front door.

  I take a deep breath, then knock on the door.

  Every muscle in my body tenses as we wait for Gabs to open. The air hangs heavy between Max and me.

  I don’t know what to expect but as Gabs opens the door, everything freezes.

  All that remains is the fear and grief. The counselor told me it would be a good idea to check in on Gabs. Avoiding her would only lead to more guilt.

  I already feel guilty for taking so long.

  Gabs sucks in a quivering breath when she sees us. Her hand moves to her stomach, and it’s only then that I notice the bump.

  Gabs breaks down, and she starts to cry as she moves forward, throwing her arms around us. I quickly place my arm around her waist, pulling her to me so she won’t lean too much into Max.

  “Let’s go inside,” I say, and holding onto her, I guide her back into the house.

  Max closes the door behind us, which allows me to hold Gabs as she cries against my chest.

  Only when Max moves to the living room so he can sit, does she pull away a little.

  “I was hoping you would come,” she whispers. “Can I get you anything to drink?”

  “Nothing,” Max whispers.

  I shake my head as I take a seat next to Max.

  “Give me a second. I just need to blow my nose.”

  “Of course,” I say.

  As we wait for Gabs to return, Max looks up at the ceiling, blinking away tears.

  I hang my head, staring at my hands.

  “What do we tell her?” I ask Max again. I’ve been asking the question since we decided we were going to come.

  “Don’t know,” he says. Still the same answer. “Just not,” he clears his throat, “the end.”

  Hell, I can’t even think about their last moments without completely falling apart.

  “Sorry,” Gabs says as she comes into the living room. She sits down on the edge of the chair opposite from us.

  Her eyes jump from Max to me, then back to Max.

  “I have something,” I whisper as I get up.

  Gabs starts to breathe faster as the tears silently roll down her cheeks, but she never takes her eyes off me.

  I go down on one knee by her chair and pull the watch and wedding band from my pocket. Brushing my thumb over it one last time, I hold them out to her.

  “Mike wanted you to have them.”

  “Oh, God,” she cries as she takes the precious items from me. She holds them to her chest as she cries.

  I
pull her into my arms, wishing I could take her pain away.

  “He asked me to take care of you and his baby,” I whisper, my voice hoarse from the unspeakable ache.

  “You don’t have to,” she says through sobs.

  Placing my finger under her chin, I lift her face so she’ll look at me.

  “I promised.”

  She searches my face for a moment then nods.

  After a few seconds she squeezes the words out. “Did he suffer?”

  I swallow hard, and it takes everything I have inside of me to not crumble at her feet.

  Locking eyes with her, I tell her the lie she needs to hear. “No, it was quick.”

  It wasn’t quick. Mike suffered. He fucking suffered.

  So did Dave.

  So did Axel.

  They fought so fucking hard, Gabs.

  None of the words leave my mouth, and I pray to God the truth doesn’t show on my face.

  “Brave,” Max whispers.

  Gabs eyes dart to Max, and I see the question on her face.

  “Max just took a heavy beating. He’ll recover,” I answer for Max.

  “But you’re both okay?” she asks.

  “Yeah,” I say, feeling the heavy weight of guilt as the word leaves me.

  I’m okay, but your husband isn’t.

  I made it, but the father of your unborn child didn’t.

  “Dave and Axel?” she asks.

  I close my eyes when the pain and sorrow become too much to bear.

  When I don’t answer her, she asks again, “Did they suffer?”

  “No,” Max grinds the word out.

  Gabs nods slowly. “You’re not going to tell me, are you?”

  “No,” I say, getting to my feet. “They fought hard, Gabriele. They showed courage and bravery. They lived as Navy SEALs, and they died as Navy SEALs.”

  Once the words are out, I regret them. Gabs didn’t deserve the outburst.

  “I’m sorry,” I breathe, as I take a step back.

  Gabs stands up, and she places her hand on my cheek.

  “I needed to hear that, Hayden. I need to know my husband didn’t die for nothing.”

  “He didn’t,” I reassure her.