Here to Stay

by Adriana Herrera

  Everything I wanted and absolutely could not have, standing in my apartment.

  She cleared her throat and I realized I’d been standing there with the tray staring at her. “You can take that outside. When Salome is done with the cheese plate and bread, we’ll bring that out too.”

  Salome, who never missed a thing, looked at the both of us with an amused expression. “Rocco took so long admiring the...” She winked at me, and then gave Julia a long look. “...goodies that I’m almost done with this. I’ll bring it out in a minute.”

  I knew I had to be beet red. “You sure? I can wait and take both.” They simultaneously shooed me out, and I walked out to the patio, platter in hand. I found José and Tariq playing with José’s two dogs, a pair of mini-dachshunds named Britney and Whitney, while Dani was keeping an eye on the grill with a cold beer in his hand.

  This was a wild departure from my usual life in New York City, where I worked all the time and never felt like I had time for friends or outings. Between helping my parents with whatever crisis they had going on and my sister needing more and more support once Blue was born, I had no time for fun. I never made it a priority, but here in this little knot of people I’d found a space to do it, even if it was only temporary.

  “Oh good! Food. I’m starving,” José said, as he and Tariq came over with the dogs on their heels.

  “Don’t touch it!” Dani hurried over, phone in his hands, ready to turn the gorgeous plate of food that Julia had prepared into an Insta moment.

  “Dani, you’re so annoying with that phone. You don’t even eat meat,” José protested.

  Dani only raised an eyebrow, not looking up as he tried to find the perfect angle to capture the platter. “You didn’t complain about my Insta game when I showed up with those three bottles of Veuve you’ve been enjoying.”

  At that, José made a show of moving out of the way. “If that is what will get us the free high-end bubbly, let’s give the man some space, people.” After a few seconds, the photo was posted and we all dug in. José moaned, his mouth full of prosciutto. “I’m declaring Rocco’s place the official meeting place of the Gotham Exiles Club.”

  Tariq nodded enthusiastically while Dani took some photos of the dogs, who were circling the food on the table like tiny furry sharks.

  A moment later Julia came out with Salome behind her carrying a huge cheese platter.

  “More food!” Her expression seemed so pleased I felt something in me crack open. I’d been convinced growing up in my parents’ house had ruined me somehow and that this sort of thing was not in the cards. That the best I could hope for was some peace.

  I looked up and noticed Julia looking intensely at me, her face curious. I wondered if, like me, she was feeling tripped up. And it wasn’t just her—although she was a big part of it. With every meetup or dinner, I wanted more of this kind of life. I caught Julia’s eye again and she shook her head and smiled, like she was enjoying herself in spite of knowing she was having foolish thoughts.

  Foolishness had never ended up well for me, but I was tempted to take my chances if it got me in her line of sight.

  * * *

  “Are you sure you don’t want me to drive you home? You must be exhausted,” I asked as I watched Julia walk over to the side of the living room she hadn’t hit with the vacuum. “You’ve already helped me vacuum up the dog hair all over my couch.” I shuddered, thinking of the enormous ball of fur she’d extracted. “Who knew those things could leave behind so much hair. They’re barely ten pounds put together!”

  She laughed at my exasperation, and shook her head at me. “I told you I wanted to help, Rocco. If you knew how rare it is for me to offer anyone help cleaning, you’d shut your mouth and give me space. My mom got a little dog a few years ago, but she is not a fan of the hair so she vacuums the house constantly. Just being around it now makes me itchy. I’m not a pet person.”

  I reached for the vacuum in her hand. “Okay, let me do it, then. You do something else. I don’t want to gross you out.”

  She sidestepped me, the vacuum handle still gripped tightly in her hand. “No, I’ll do it. I can’t trust that you will get all the hair out. One thing is clean, a whole other is Caribbean-people clean. So just go back to your Clorox wipes and I’ll deal with this.” She was dead serious too.

  I threw my hands up in defeat and let her go back to it. She’d stayed behind after all the others had left, saying she wanted to help me tidy up and since she lived so close it wouldn’t be a big deal.

  An hour later, she was still here, pleasantly working alongside me after what had been a great day. I was intensely wiping down the dining table and any other surfaces that had had food placed on them when Julia spoke up.

  “The house looks pretty good.” She pointed at the spot I was wiping down for the second time. “And I say this as someone who grew up in a house where all the furniture was covered in industrial-grade plastic and the Fabuloso was purchased by the gallon. This place is pristine.”

  Her comment stopped my hand in mid-motion. I immediately felt like she was judging me, like she could tell my obsession with cleaning my house was part of my baggage. No matter how much I worked on my hang-ups, the most innocuous word or comment could put me on the defensive. Now that I thought about it, this hadn’t happened once since I’d started hanging out with Julia and the rest of the crew. But I felt it now.

  I stood there, watching as she assessed me with her eyes half-closed like she was trying to figure out if she’d hit a nerve or overstepped. I reeled in the impulse to say something sharp or caustic. Instead I said something I hadn’t shared with anyone other than Coach Brito or my therapist.

  “I like to keep my space clean.” I lowered my eyes, feeling exposed just from that. “My parents’ house growing up was always a mess. I don’t like to feel like my place is dirty.”

  She nodded and put the vacuum down. As she came closer, all I could think was she knows about me and she’s coming closer instead of pulling back.

  “Like I said, my mother’s dedication to cleanliness is on the fanatic side, so I’m not judging. You call it your parents’ house.”

  I looked at her, confused for a second, and then realized the point she was trying to make. “I haven’t lived with them for a long time.”

  She dipped her head. “Right, you were with your coach.”

  I swept my hand around the room with generic art on the walls and the nice but pretty plain furniture that had come with the apartment. “It’s not like I’m obsessed with how the place looks or anything, because this IKEA modern isn’t exactly stylish. I just like it neat.”

  She turned her head, her dark brown eyes sweeping the room. As if looking at it with a different lens. “This is a pretty swank place. I always envisioned consultants staying at the Holiday Inn or something, but this is real nice. You have a great job. You’ve done well for yourself.”

  By now she was standing in front of me, so close that if I leaned in just a couple of inches, I could have pressed my lips to her forehead. The sleeve of her dress had slid down some and I could see the black strap of her bathing suit and her deeply tanned shoulder. There was just a tiny bit of peeling happening, and I lifted my hand to run my finger over it. But at the last moment, I caught myself, and let it hang in the air. Not wanting to break any rules, but not ready to give up on the idea of this. Without saying a word or taking her eyes off me, she laid her hands over my fingers, caught.

  My eyes zeroed in at the base of her neck and how it dipped into the valley between her breasts. She smelled like lemon and coconut, but also a little like the chlorine from the hot tub. I wanted to taste every inch, and as if she was reading my thoughts, she leaned in.

  This was not a good idea, but with every no ringing in my head, there was a yes pounding in my chest pulling me closer. Her hand gripped my fingers harder and her breath hitched just as our mou
ths met.

  This was it. This was the place where I could lose my head, but instead of pulling back, I pressed in. I would quit this. I would, but I had to get a taste.

  Julia in my arms was intoxicating, my head filled to the brim with her. Of the way her warm skin felt under my hands as I ran them down her back.

  “Rocco.” My name slid from her mouth like a command, and who was I to deny this woman what she wanted? I pressed my lips with my heart galloping in my chest. I’d thought about kissing Julia so many times since the moment I’d seen her. I’d thought about those generous lips, pressed to mine. But nothing would’ve prepared me for the real thing.

  I nipped on her bottom lip as her arms came around my neck, bringing us closer. She was soft and warm and I knew even from this small taste that I could lose myself in this woman. I slid my tongue between her lips and she opened up to me with a gasp.

  “Yes.” The noises she made, fuck I was hard as a rock and ready to plunder through every single one of my boundaries to get more of her. I was about to lick into her mouth, when my phone rang, shattering the moment.

  Julia jumped back like my touch had shocked her and I instinctively held up my hands to let her know I was keeping them to myself. I grabbed my phone and looked at the screen before taking the call. It was Sofia. I realized it was seven, the time we usually talked on Sundays, and if I didn’t pick up she’d get worried. I answered, holding my finger up to Julia, who was looking decidedly uncomfortable. I hoped she didn’t just grab her bag and go before I had time to apologize.

  “Hey, sis. How’s you?” A long tired sigh came over the line, and I braced myself for whatever litany of complaints about what my parents had been up to come over the line.

  “Not much. Tired but I had the day off and I took Blue to the park while it’s still nice out.” I smiled, imagining Sofia and Blue having some time outside.

  “That’s good. Did you take any photos?”

  She chuckled and I heard Blue yelling my name. “Yeah, I’ll send them to you. She won’t take off those boots you sent her. Let me put her on, she wants to say hi.”

  I looked up and saw that Julia was leaning against my breakfast counter, watching me as I rambled on the phone. I must’ve blushed because she waved me off and started gathering cleaning products and putting them back in their place.

  My heart lurched when I heard Blue’s excited voice, and I felt proud of my sister and the happy little girl she was raising. Because no matter how fucked things were with my parents, her daughter had constant love and safety.

  “Hey, love bug, how are you? Did you have fun at the park today?”

  A resounding yes was her answer; she chattered for a while and soon my sister was back on the line. “Sorry, her attention span is like a mosquito’s.”

  “Hey, so is mine. That kid is a genius.” I looked up and saw that Julia was already putting on her shoes. “Sis, let me call you back in a few. I have a friend over at the house right now and she looks like she needs to go.”

  I was sure Julia heard my sister’s exaggerated yelp, and my face heated from embarrassment. “A lady friend? I need to know every single detail as soon as possible. Call me later!” She ended the call before I could say anything, and when I glanced over to where Julia was standing with her bag perched on her shoulder, she was grinning. I was so ready to see her shut down or tell me how I’d overstepped that it took me a moment to react.

  “My sister gets a little overexcited at the idea of me having some friends.”

  “It’s cute.” For a second, I was almost glad that my sister’s call interrupted us, because Julia’s smile looked genuine and it was a hell of a lot better than the awkward friendship-ending moment I feared we would have had after that kiss. I couldn’t believe I’d taken things that far, and what was even more mystifying was the knowledge that I would do it again in a heartbeat if I ever got the chance.

  “Extra is what it is. She exaggerates. It’s not like I don’t have friends.”

  She grinned and mouthed “riiight.”

  “Hey, that’s pretty mean. I thought you were all about empathy?”

  This time she did laugh. “Yeah, for my clients!”

  “But my sister was just cruelly mocking me for my lack of friends.” I didn’t even know who I was trying to be right now. Was I flirting? Bantering? Who the fuck knew?

  This was so removed from my playbook, I could barely recognize it was me.

  She put a hand up, that cheesy grin still on her lips, “Hey, I have a younger sister and it’s in their job description to make fun of us. Was that your niece?”

  I nodded, not sure how much of the Sofia-and-Blue story to dump on her.

  “Yeah, that was Blue.” She gave me a look and now I was the one grinning. “Yes, my sister named her child after Beyoncé’s. In her defense, Lemonade had just come out and Sofia was nineteen.” She widened her eyes at that. I felt compelled to defend my sister, but resisted. I had nothing to defend her for. I was proud of her. “Sofia had a rough time in her teens. My mom and dad are a mess. I barely came home while I was in college, and when I did, I rarely stayed more than a day. My way of coping was staying away as much as possible, and that meant that Sofia was on her own with those two for the better part of the last ten years. She was pretty messed up when she got pregnant with Blue, but she’s doing so much better now.” She opened her mouth and then closed it, before nodding.

  “Sounds like she’s doing better and that you’re a big support for her.” The way she said it made me wonder if she was surprised. “Not everyone sticks by their family like that. Especially when you’ve had it rough. It’s pretty great that she can count on you.”

  I looked out the window to the patio, not sure how much to share. This was not something I talked to many (or anyone, really) about. “I want to get us a small house in the suburbs. A place with a good school district, so Blue and Sofia can move in with me. I’ve been saving up, but house prices are ridiculous. I want to be there for her now, since I failed her before.”

  Her expression grew pained, like something I’d said wounded her. “You didn’t fail her, Rocco. You were taking care of yourself. You were a kid too. The only people who failed in this picture are your parents. You’re a good brother. Don’t be so hard on yourself.”

  I couldn’t help the smile that appeared on my lips at how indignant she seemed to be on my behalf. I knew I should be making it clear that I knew I’d crossed a line. That the kiss had been a mistake. That there was too much at stake for her and me to play with both our futures, but when I opened my mouth, once again being with Julia made me forget who I was. “Aw, Julia, are you worried about me?”

  She cut her eyes at me and crossed her arms under her breasts. I didn’t stare because I was really trying not to be a creep, but the woman’s entire body was designed to make my eyes stray.

  “To be fair, I worry about people. It’s my Achilles’ heel.” That deflated the warm feelings a bit, which, of course, she noticed. “But in your case, how could I not feel for you?” She threw her hands up as if everything about me baffled her. “It’s hard to not like you, Rocco Quinn, and believe me, I’ve tried.”

  “So you do have a soft spot for me.”

  “Este pendejo.”

  I locked my knees to keep from walking over to where she was. “You know I grew up in Corona. I do understand some Spanish.”

  Her glare was withering but there was no stopping the grin on my face. “Whatever, I gotta go, it’s late.” I heard her muttering something that sounded a lot like “Lord, save me from blanquitos who think they speak Spanish.” This did not diminish my good mood. I grabbed my keys from the table by the door and stepped out into the hallway with her. This also did not amuse her, and I had to bite the inside of my cheek not to grin again at how cute she looked when she was trying hard to be pissed and failing.

  “Where
are you going? You live here. I’m the one that needs to go home.”

  “I realize that. I was going to give you a ride.” She whirled on me so fast, I almost stumbled.

  “Oh no. None of that chivalry shit. I am perfectly capable of walking the five blocks to my place.”

  I was going to argue, but then I stopped. “If you’re sure, but I could use the fresh air.”

  Another eye roll. I decided I would start counting those as a good thing, since they happened so often when we were talking.

  “Fine.” She started walking to the elevator as I locked the door, and I tried not to let her see the goofy smile on my lips.

  When we got into the elevator, she looked serious again. Not unhappy, but definitely thinking hard. I wanted to ask her what was wrong, but I was scared it’d be about me.

  I talked about something else instead. “You said your sister was younger. How old did she turn the other day? I don’t think you told me.”

  She dipped her head and her eyes softened at the mention of her sister. “She’s a senior in high school.” She seemed amused at the surprise on my face. “She was a sorpresita for my parents. She was born when I was fourteen, but yeah, I’m more like a second mom than a sister.”

  “My sister and I have a similar relationship, although I’m sure your parents actually parented her.”

  She furrowed her brows and I could tell she was trying hard not say whatever she was thinking. The first thing that popped into my head was that she was feeling sorry for me, but I pushed it down. I didn’t have to make assumptions. As the elevator hit the first floor, we both cleared our throats, regrouping. We stepped out into the cool evening together in silence. With every step, I worried that the kiss upstairs would really make things weird between us—or worse, interfere with what I was here to do.