Family in His Heart

by Gail Gaymer Martin

  The blue sky and the quiet put her at rest. She turned to face the other view and felt drawn to the landscape. “It’s so awesome.”

  Rona crossed the road and leaned against the rail, looking out at a small pontoon boat at the end of a long dock adorned with an American flag. The boat was surrounded by tall grasses jutting up from the lake with only a narrow path leading to the clear water. She’d felt hemmed in like that so often, but sometimes the path out of her dilemma wasn’t as obvious as the one she saw today.

  Nick stood close beside her. She felt his arm brush against hers softly.

  “Look at the view,” he whispered.

  She looked out beyond the circular tree-lined bank and admired the islands dotting the silver-blue water. “It’s peaceful.”

  Nick turned his back from the scene and rested it against the guardrail. “I wish my mind felt this tranquil.”

  Rona caught an inflection in his voice that spoke to her. He wanted to talk. “Tell me about it.”

  His brow lifted as if astounded she’d understood. He bent and pulled a blade of tall grass from along the fence and ran his fingernail along its vein. “It’s confusing and I’m not sure what is the truth and what isn’t.”

  She listened as he began telling her about his wife and Gary’s comments. “I never thought about it before, but when I think back, I realize now she was unhappy. Maybe it was my work hours. Maybe it was Marquette Island. I’d moved into the house for her. I could have sold it after my parents died. Jill sometimes talked about feeling stranded, even though she had the runabout.”

  He shrugged and Rona saw the pain in his eyes.

  “I’d always thought maybe the accident had been my fault. I hadn’t noticed the raft. I hadn’t been there before that I can remember, but I’d turned back to look at her, and the next thing I know, she’d swung out and smacked into it. She’d died so fast, and—”

  Tears welled in his eyes. “And Gary saw it. He was thirteen and saw everything. I know he blames me.”

  She’d known. Rona didn’t speak but lifted her arms and wrapped them around his torso. Nick lowered his head to her hair and she could feel his body quaking beneath her hands. Gary had hurt him to the core with his attack, but if Nick had been careless, it had still been an accident. The facts spun in her mind.

  “I’m sorry,” he said, lifting his head.

  She looked into his glassy eyes and felt her own tears well. “Nick, it was an accident.”

  He blinked and shook his head. “I’m not sure now. If Jill had been drinking, then something serious had been wrong. I never understood how she’d hit the raft. She’d been a good skier.”

  She realized he’d deduced something new from what Gary had said and she feared she understood what he was saying.

  “I’m afraid Jill ran into the raft on purpose.”

  Suicide? The word struck Rona like a knife.

  “Her judgment might have been impaired. It could have been anything.”

  He stayed silent a moment. “You’re right. I don’t suppose we’ll ever know.” He swallowed and raised his eyes toward the islands in the distance. “But Gary blames me, and I have no explanation for what happened.”

  “You do,” she said, lifting her hand and pressing it against his cheek. “I understand. You don’t want to add to Gary’s worry.”

  “How can I tell him that Jill may have taken her own life?”

  She drew her fingers along his strong jaw, feeling the beginning raspiness of whiskers. “And maybe she didn’t, so you can’t tell him that.”

  He nodded and lifted his right hand to press against hers. “I suppose. What good would it do anyway?”

  “And Gary’s problem could be deeper than he’s saying. He might be sorry that he didn’t tell you about the wine. He might be…anything. You don’t know how much blame he’s put on himself.”

  “That crossed my mind, too. If things calm down and Gary becomes more like the son I had before Jill died, I hope we can talk.”

  “You will,” she whispered.

  Their gaze connected and Rona’s chest tightened with the look in his eyes. She knew what could happen at any moment, and though part of her wanted to step away, the other part drew closer.

  Nick’s eyes searched hers and she couldn’t hide the longing she felt any more than she could push him away. His arms pulled her to him and his mouth lowered to hers with a kiss so gentle, yet so demanding, she couldn’t breathe.

  When he drew back, his face filled with apology. “I shouldn’t have—”

  She pressed her finger against his lips. “Should haves are in the past. Now is important.”

  He pulled her into his arms and kissed her again.

  Nick had struggled with himself since he’d kissed Rona on the Island 8 bridge. Every minute had thrilled him, but when his logic had returned, he realized he’d gone against his own wisdom.

  Though Rona had shown him more and more that she’d only been angry at the Lord and not that she’d been an unbeliever, he needed to be assured before he could allow himself to fall in love with her. The idea sent him spinning. Too late. He’d already fallen and hard. But he sensed she had concerns, too, and to form a bond blessed by God, they both needed to be certain about a lot of things. He couldn’t go on kissing her this way without moving deeper into a relationship, and he knew that wouldn’t be God-pleasing.

  His chest clinched. Why had these wild sensations happened in the first place? He’d only wanted a housekeeper. Voices in the house. Food on the stove. Not these intense feelings.

  After dinner, Gary had gone to his room, complaining about a sore back and aching arms, and Rona had gone out back. He’d sent her away with the insistence that he’d load the dishwasher. After he’d wiped off the table and poured a final cup of coffee, he walked to the breakfast nook and looked outside.

  Nick watched her for a moment and studied her petite figure, the shape of her shoulders appearing when her long strands of shining hair shifted in the breeze. He gazed, amazed for once to be filled with joy and wonder.

  He closed his eyes, wishing the vision would vanish because he wasn’t able to pursue anything yet. Rona gave him hope when his hope had been so dim and remembrance when he’d wanted to have nothing to do with memories. All they could do was cloud his judgment.

  He’d often complimented Rona on her wise judgment, and he felt certain hers was stronger than his. He couldn’t deal with rejection and he feared that’s what he would get from Rona even though he knew she cared about him.

  He’d known once what it had been like to hold a woman in his arms and to love her as only a married couple could. Rona caused him to long to be a family again, to have a wife and a son who smiled. He recalled the good times with Jill, memories for once untainted by sorrow. Recollection that sent new possibilities into his mind.

  Reeling with thoughts, he opened the sliding door to the patio and stepped outside. Rona had settled at the end of the picnic table where the sunlight lingered the longest. As he approached, she glanced over her shoulder and smiled.

  Nick pushed aside his pondering and settled beside her on the bench, sipping his coffee and listening to the muted sounds from the lake, the caw of a bird and the beating of his heart.

  “Are you okay?” she asked, breaking the silence.

  He slipped his hand over hers and brushed his fingers across her skin. “I’m fine. Kitchen’s clean.”

  She chuckled. “Thanks for the break. Any sounds from Gary?”

  “No. I can hear the thud of bass on his CD player but that’s about it.”

  She shifted to face him. “You’ve seemed concerned all evening. If it’s the kiss, I’m as guilty as you are and I know it meant nothing. It came out of the emotion of the moment.”

  Meant nothing. His heart screamed. Yet how could he respond?

  “I didn’t stop you, Nick. I could have, but I didn’t.”

  “It meant something, don’t say it didn’t. And, yes it came out of emotion�
�feelings I have for you, but I need to respect you. You keep reminding me we’ve only known each other for a short time. To me it’s a lifetime.”

  She released a sigh. “Me, too.”

  They fell quiet again, but inside he was far from quiet. He felt the Lord prodding him, pushing him. He resisted until he couldn’t any longer.

  “Did you like Pastor Al?”

  She turned her gaze to his. “I don’t know him, but he seems nice. Very caring and kind.”

  “He is.” His feet shuffled beneath the bench, fighting the words on his lips.

  She tilted her head, her face tender with understanding. “You want to ask me to go to church with you.”

  “How did you know?”

  She lifted her shoulders. “I’ve sensed it as a problem.”

  “Is it a problem, Rona? I’d hoped—”

  She ran her fingers through her hair, pushing it from her face. “The Lord has been driving me up a wall lately.”

  He felt his eyes widen. “What?”

  “I fought God for so long and I give up.” She lifted her hands heavenward. “He wins.”

  Her look melted his heart. “He wins?”

  “I’ll go to church with you tomorrow.”

  He heard resignation in her voice, but that didn’t matter. The Holy Spirit had His way and when He was determined, He succeeded. “That makes me so happy.”

  “I’m relieved.” She shook her head. “You’ve been an amazing example to me and I realized the other day that God didn’t fail me as much as I failed Him.”

  He wove his fingers through hers. “You can say God won, Rona, but you know what?”

  She lifted her brows.

  “You won even more. Repentance is a beautiful thing. So are you.” He looked over his shoulder. “I’d love to kiss you right now, but Gary might be watching.”

  Rona slipped her fingers from his. “Then we’d better be careful with this, too, don’t you think?”

  He didn’t want to stop, but once again, Rona’s wise thinking won out.

  Chapter Twelve

  Monday afternoon, Rona folded laundry while the praise music from yesterday’s service filled her head. When she first walked through the church doors, she felt like a stranger, but once she’d settled into her seat, listened to the voices lifting in song, heard the prayers and the Word of God, she felt as if she’d just opened a box that she’d put away for years and found a wonderful gift inside.

  How could so many months—years—of anger at God dissipate as swiftly as the morning dew? Yet what hadn’t left her was the sense of being a sinner. She’d turned her back on God and He’d clung to her with His strong cord, allowing her to make stupid decisions and to rail Him for what He hadn’t done for her while she did nothing for Him.

  Nick had gazed at her numerous times during the service, hoping, she knew, that she would open her heart.

  Today she could still hear their conversation from their trip home from church.

  “How did it go?”

  “Good,” she’d said. “It’s like coming home. Sort of the prodigal son returning to his father, except I returned to my heavenly Father, but I still have a price to pay. I’m such a sinner.”

  He had slipped his hand over hers. “Rona, we’re all sinners. Every one of us. Didn’t you listen to the readings?”

  She told him she had. Still, the readings hadn’t referred to her sins. Her sins seemed far worse than those of the everyday Christian. She’d been gone too long.

  “You heard the verse in Psalms. You are blessed because you have not lied, but told God the truth about your sin. You’ve repented and God doesn’t count your sins against you. You are sinless in His sight.”

  Though he made sense and she had heard Pastor Al’s reading, she had one major problem. “I guess I’m not sinless in my own eyes.”

  “Forgive yourself, Rona. Hand over the burden. Jesus has offered to carry it.” He released the steering wheel with one hand and nestled her shoulder against his. “It takes time. Don’t chastise yourself.”

  The words echoed in her memory as she folded the last pair of jeans and laid them on the pile. She drew in a breath. Nick was right, and from now on she needed to cling to the Lord rather than push Him away.

  She grinned to herself. It hadn’t done any good trying to break loose before. The Holy Spirit had a hold on her and hadn’t planned to let go. “Thank You, Lord,” she whispered.

  Hoisting the pile of laundry, Rona headed to the staircase. She’d heard Gary arrive when she was eating lunch in her apartment. He hadn’t shown his face since and she wondered if he’d eaten.

  Rona stopped in Nick’s bedroom and dropped off what she hoped were his clothes. Gary was more slender, so she calculated she had sorted them right. Then she took the stairs to the second floor and stopped outside Gary’s door.

  Inside, she thought she heard voices. A radio, maybe. She waited a minute before tapping on the door. “Gary, I have your laundry.”

  A scuffle noise came from inside.

  “Gary?” Her heart thumped with concern. “Are you alright?”

  “Leave it outside.” His muffled voice came through the door.

  With her pulse racing, she tried to make sense out of what she heard. “Open the door. I’m not putting clean clothes on the floor.”

  More noise and shuffling.

  “Gary. Please open the door.”

  Finally the door inched open, and he reached out for the laundry, but before Gary could shut the door again, Rona caught her breath, her heart sinking. A pair of women’s shoes laid at the side of his bed.

  She grasped the knob. “You have someone in there.”

  His look stabbed her. “It’s none of your business.”

  She felt a shudder down her back. “I’m sorry, but it is. I’m in charge when your father’s not here. In fact, he’s going to be late tonight so you’re stuck with me all evening.”

  “Great.” Daggers shot from his eyes.

  Rona studied the feminine shoes. “Amy?”

  With her hair disheveled and her clothes in disarray, Amy stepped from behind the door, her face the color of mottled pink fabric.

  “Amy, you and Gary will have to leave the room.”

  Gary shifted her aside and strode in front of her. “This is my room, and I can do—”

  “Gary, you owe your father the respect to behave in the house he shares with you. He loves you and he’s asked me to take over when he’s gone. I’m just doing my job.”

  “Loves me? I don’t think so.”

  “He loves you, but you’ll have to learn that for yourself—if you give him a chance.”

  He dug his fists into his pockets. “I suppose you’ll be on the phone in two minutes to report in.”

  Her chest tightened with her flash decision. “I’ll tell you what. I’ve known about your smoking for a while and I haven’t said a word, because I hoped it would stop. I’m not going to say anything now if you go downstairs. You’re welcome to go outside. I’ll make you lunch. But if I get lip from you, I’ll have to tell him.”

  He studied her a moment, his brow knit so tight his eyes were slits. “You won’t say anything? Why?”

  “Because I believe in forgiveness.” The words struck her cold. She’d been unforgiving so many times in her life, unforgiving of her father and her brother. Could she ever forgive Don?

  “I don’t get you.” He tilted his head while Amy clung to him, clutching the top of her blouse that had been partially unbuttoned.

  “I don’t get me, either, but I like your dad. I think you’ve both struggled with the past far too long.”

  His eyebrows raised. “What do you know about my past?”

  Why had she mentioned it? A knot twisted in her throat. “Enough. We’ll talk about it another time.” She gestured toward the stairs. “Why don’t you pick up your shoes, Amy, and both of you go downstairs.”

  Amy peered at her bare feet and her shoes beside the bed, realizing the telltale
evidence that had given her away. She snatched her shoes and fled past Rona toward the staircase.

  Rona kept her eyes focused on Gary. “What do you say?”

  “Fine,” he said, dropping his laundry on the end of the bed, then straightening his knit shirt and strutting past her.

  Rona stood a moment, overwhelmed by what had happened. She’d promised not to tell Nick and now she felt it had been a mistake. She didn’t want to be a patsy for Gary. He needed to know she wasn’t going to tolerate bad behavior just to protect him from his father, but she wanted so badly for their relationship to be repaired. They both had love to give and that’s what she wanted to see.

  She closed her eyes. You can do it, Lord. A strange release rolled over her as she turned toward the staircase.

  Nick looked at the sun overhead, grateful he’d decided to take a break from his busy schedule. He missed spending time at home and he had concerns about Rona. She looked stressed and though she hadn’t made any comments about Gary, he wondered.

  He steered the boat past Long Island, watching his boathouse grow larger as he closed the distance. He wanted to do something special tonight or if not tonight, then soon. Rona had worked hard and though he’d told her to take her days off, she had nothing to do and stayed at the house, always making dinner or surprising him with baked goods.

  He patted his paunch, knowing he’d have to watch the calories if Rona insisted on plying him with sweets. Sweets. Her sweetness nuzzled against his heart. He’d longed to kiss her again, but he’d stopped himself, fearing Gary would see and not understand or he’d frighten Rona by moving too fast.

  His spirit had soared since she’d agreed to go to church and, though he saw no difference in her behavior—she’d always been a Christian at heart—he felt the strain had lifted. She seemed happier, except for those dark moments that clouded her eyes. He’d avoided asking. He had a bad habit of pushing too hard.