It's All Coming Back To Me

by Michelle Marra

  “I’m giving you a bag of fluids and a bag of Valium. That will help relax you and get the legs to settle down,” Cammie says as I watch her tape the tube to my skin.

  Funny thing is I’m not sure I hear what she is saying because I instantly feel like I’m floating on a cloud.

  I see Sam at my side with a furrowed brow, “I told that bitch to pack up her crew and get the hell out.”

  “Humph,” I smile. “Its okay…she’s just doing the job I hired her to do,” I say slowly. My tongue suddenly feels too big for my mouth, and I know it was time for me to close my eyes.

  “I know baby,” she says as she scoots a chair to the side of this cot.

  I think Cammie has disappeared because I don’t see or hear her anymore.

  “Your family wants to see you…are you up for a quick visit?”

  “Uh uh,” I moan out. I can barely see right now. It is really foggy, and lights are beginning to trail.

  “Laurel, you need to rest. You’ll be better in a few hours. No one is going anywhere.” I smile, there’s Cammie again as if she appeared out of thin air.

  “She’s right, I’ll go and let you sleep.”

  I grab Sam’s hand, “No…please stay.”

  “Okay,” she says then I feel her climb up next me.

  Now I can feel my entire body relax and as my eyes flutter close I hear the words echo in my head as they float off my tongue, “I love you, Sam.”

  Chapter Seventeen

  L oud voices pull me from my sleep. My brain is still somewhat fuzzy, so everything is sounding like an echo. I look down at my hand and see that the IV has been removed. Not sure how long ago Cammie took it out and I’m wondering if the pain is going to come back. Right now my legs feel like they’re buzzing…like a tired and very overworked feeling. I remember this feeling from my obsessive spin days when I would take two classes.

  “You ever hear of second chances!” Seems the fog has lifted and I can hear Sam yelling at someone very loud and clear.

  “You don’t deserve a second chance!” Now that was Lily’s voice I hear at top volume. Seems they’re right outside the curtain of this first aid room. Apparently Sam and Lily are going at it, and I’m praying they keep it on the other side of the curtain.

  “Says who?” I hear Sam’s cocky tone and can imagine she is standing only inches away from Lily with hands firmly gripping her hips. I’m well versed in her intimidation tactics.

  “Me for starters. I’ve read her book, I know what you did to her.”

  “Don’t believe everything you read, honey.”

  “Well, Laurel said it was an accurate account of what happened, and from what I read in the book, she doesn’t think you deserve another chance…in fact, she told me herself, she’s done with you. Face it Sam, you blew it.”

  “Oh and what…you think you’re gonna step in and be the one?”

  Now that my eyes have cleared up I can see them both through the curtain. Both of them leaning in with a predatory posture daring the other to back down. It was ridiculous, having them fighting over me like I’m some prize to be won. My mouth was about to open to stop them from screaming at each other, it’s giving me a headache, and after what I went through today, I didn’t feel like dealing with it. But when I heard the rest, my heart sank.

  “I don’t need to be the ‘one’ because she is happy with me. She has no pressure to love me because she is free to love me. It’s you Sam…you’re the one pressuring her to love you.”

  “You’re delusional Lily, and naïve to think Laurel would ever love you. Just a few hours ago she was asleep in my arms after a morning of mind-blowing sex, and just an hour ago she told me she loved me. I didn’t pressure her to love me, Lily…because here is the thing, she never stopped.”

  I whip open the curtain, “She has a name, and she doesn’t like to be fought over like the last steak in a dog pound.”

  They both stood there, eyes wide…mouth agape, staring at me like I grew another head.

  “What?” I yell, my hands firmly planted on my hips.

  “Holy shit…Laurel. Did you just get out of that bed and walk over here on your own?” Sam’s face contorts into a weird-ass grin.

  “Well, I’m standing here…ain’t I?” Then it dawns on me that I did get myself out of bed, walk over to this curtain and yanked it open. I’m so pissed off I’m not thinking about my legs at all.

  Lily’s hands are cupped over her mouth, her eyes are welling up as she reaches for me.

  “No…I don’t want to be touched right now, nor do I want to be congratulated either. What I want is for the two of you to knock it the fuck off. I’m no body’s property. I’m my own person, no one else’s.” As I step back to avoid the contact, I begin to sway. I’m losing my balance, but before I could fall, Sam has me wrapped tight in her arms.

  “I got ya, baby,” she says as I squirm in her grasp.

  “Sam, get off me. I’m not your baby.”

  I see the confusion on her face as she releases her hold on me, then takes a step back.

  “I need to pee,” I see my chair just a few feet away, but before I can make my way to it, Lily has it right in front of me. I sit down and begin to roll myself toward my room.

  “But you said you love me.”

  “That was the drugs talking,” I yell out as I speed away from them looking for the shelter of my room. I knew it wasn’t the drugs…I knew it was back. Those fucking feelings were back from the dead and now have me locked in some type of vortex where I can’t breathe.

  As soon as I roll pass the threshold, I close the door and lock it, roll to the other door and lock that one too. I can hear Sam and Lily back at it, now they’re screaming at the top of their lungs at each other.

  “Oh my God,” I yell out at top volume. “I gotta get out of here. I can’t do this. What the hell was I thinking?”

  I’m starting to hyperventilate, I’m spinning my chair in circles unsure what to do or where to go. What I do know is that I can’t stay here any longer…I need to go before I completely lose myself. I don’t care what my mother says, I was happy in my old life. It was just a different kind of happy. It was safe, controllable, and easy. And I want it back.

  I look down at my legs, they’re tired and achy, but functioning. I proved that when I instinctively stood and walked when my focus was elsewhere. So there is hope, for the first time in almost a year I have hope that I’ll actually walk naturally again.

  So it’s time to go home, back to my life and away from this turmoil and drama. However, I know if I announce it…say I’m heading back to California there is going to be backlash, and probably more than I want to deal with. I text Nancy and let her know to wrap it up and head back. I’ll be following behind very shortly. We can finish up this little reality show with my therapy back in Cali.

  I flip open my laptop and search for the earliest direct flight to Los Angeles. Next flight out of Portland leaves at 3:00 a.m. I figure that is a perfect time to escape, to slip away in the middle of the night. I sort of feel bad for doing this, for basically being a coward and running away. But I need to go, I can’t be the ‘maybe’ girl for Lily. I can’t be expected to return her feelings…to be free to fall in love, and as much as she says there’s no pressure, there’s always pressure. And I can’t go there with Sam again. Yes, I may love her…but I’m not going to couple with her again. Maybe it is out of fear or maybe out of self-preservation. I don’t know, and quite frankly, I don’t care.

  I book the flight, non-stop from Portland to Los Angeles. They had one first-class ticket left, and for the last minute reservation, they really walloped me with the price. But I don’t care, just charged it to my platinum card. Now, I have seven hours before I need to leave for the Portland International Airport which is over eighty miles away. I need to figure out a way to get there…guess I can call a car service. But instead, I text my brothers to come to my room. I need to talk to them about this because I’m going to need their help. I k
now I can trust them, I just hope they understand why I’m doing this.

  Before I left I made sure to spend some time with my mother, I didn’t want her to feel like I’m just abandoning her. But I didn’t tell her I was leaving, especially since she and Sam are friends. I know she rooting for Sam, and I know she’d go running right to her with the news. But I did write her a letter promising I’d be back to visit, that I wouldn’t stay away for years at a time. I wrote in the letter that most likely she would see me at Christmas. I just wish I’m was sure I could keep that promise. It seemed when I’m in my celebrity-type life I can really lose track of time, months can quickly turn into years.

  I also wrote a letter to Sam which wasn’t easy, to say the least. It killed me to recant what happened this morning, to deny my feelings to her again. To actually write, ‘sorry Sam, I don’t love you. It was just sex and that it was a mistake.’ I blamed her for confusing everything, for muddling the situation. I told her I couldn’t take her head games and her constant seduction. I told her she was the reason I was leaving.

  As much as it was true, that I’m leaving because of her, it didn’t have anything to do with the fact she seduced me. I’m leaving because of fear, completely terrified of what I’m feeling right now. It doesn’t fit in my life anymore, I slammed the door on that fucking emotion almost a decade ago, and I don’t want it back. I want my blissful ignorance back, I want shallow hookups, and I want the limelight. I want the adoring fans, the parties, and everything else that goes with my celebrity status. It’s been nice to visit my hometown, but it was time to go home.

  Right before I left, I gave Brian the letters and gave him strict instructions not to give them out until tomorrow morning or until I’m safely on the plane. I didn’t want anyone following me to the airport, or God-forbid catching me. I didn’t want to deal with any cry-baby drama at the airport.

  As soon as I got in the car to head for the airport, I called Lily. It wasn’t easy to tell her what I was doing. I felt like shit just bailing on her, but I couldn’t stay. I would never have committed myself to her, and I tried in the most gentle way I could to tell her that. I told her that I was basically running away from Sam…again. This time it was for me because I was protecting myself. Unfortunately, Lily didn’t understand and through her anger laced tears she told me I was a selfish asshole and to fuck off before she hung up on me. Well, I can’t say I exactly blame her…I’m sure she felt used. All I could say was ‘I’m sorry’ because I truly am. But ‘sorry’ doesn’t help in any situation really.

  That conversation and the overwhelming guilt I’m feeling is making this daunting ride to the airport excruciating because I have too much quiet time to reflect, and my reflection is killing me. But I need to go, it’s better this way. Lily will see that eventually. I’m no good for her, she deserves better. She deserves someone who will love her back.

  Cammie on the other hand, I will send an email when I’m back in Cali. She is another one who is too close to Sam, and I didn’t trust that she wouldn’t give her a heads up. I will thank her for everything because she is the reason I’m so close to walking normally again. I will give her a glowing recommendation and tell my accountant to send her a bonus. Everyone in service should receive a tip to show appreciation, and since she put up with my crazy-ass for so long, I figured I owed her a big one.

  Seth’s voice startles me out of the small nap I managed to squeeze in.

  “Hey, we’re just about there.”

  I move my seat out of it’s reclined position and look over at him. He hasn’t said much of anything since we’ve been on the road. I hope he’s not angry with me for bailing. But if he is, I certainly can’t stop him. We are only twenty minutes away from the airport, I know things will be better as soon as I’m on the plane and in the air. I look at my phone and see there is a text from Brian which I didn’t see because the phone is on ‘do not disturb’ so it didn’t chime. It was from almost an hour ago.

  Mom read your letter.

  Oh shit! I’m wondering now if she called Sam or not. Oh God…or worse yet, they’re following me.

  How the hell did she read it, Brian? You were supposed to hold them until morning.

  I left them on the kitchen table. Didn’t figure she would see it until morning.

  Where is she now?

  I tried to call you.

  Is she still there?

  No, she left a while ago.

  I see the missed calls, and my heart sinks. If she left a while ago, it could only mean one thing. She’s not far behind me, and I can only assume Sam is in the car. UGH!

  Dammit, Brian.

  Sorry.

  Whatever, dude. What’s done is done, but you better hope they don’t catch me at that airport.

  “FUCK!” I yell aloud and tell Seth to drive faster.

  I listen to the voice messages, it is my brother’s panic-stricken voice.

  “Laurel…oh shit. I’m so sorry. Mom saw your letter. I left it on the table after she went to bed. I swear! She is on the phone now, I think with Sam.”

  “Laurel, Mom is pissed. She was screaming at me for not telling her. Sam just picked her up, and they’re on their way.”

  I know he didn’t mean for her to see it, I’m sure he felt it was safe to leave it there once she went to bed. However, the damage has been done, and I guess I should have just called her once I was back in Los Angeles. But now they are hot on my ass, I just hope I can get through security before Sam finds me. Because if she does, I don’t think I’ll be able to keep my resolve and I don’t want anything to pull at my heartstrings, fictitious as they may be, and hinder my decision.

  I have to put the distance back between us, and I’m hoping she will understand what I’m doing someday. Because I don’t just think it’s unsafe for me, it is for her as well. As much as she hurt me, I can’t bear to break her heart any more than I already am and I’m hoping her heart isn’t completely invested. If it is I know one thing’s for sure, she’ll suffer the pain I know all too well.

  I get to the airport without a call or text from anyone else, and I’m thrilled. Seth gets my chair out of the back and helps me into it. I know I could use the crutches, but through this busy airport and trying to hold onto my carry-on, I just figured it would be faster and easier to use my chair. I’ll get another pair of crutches when I get home. I already have Nancy scouting therapists for me as well as equipping my penthouse with the essentials I’ll need to continue my therapy.

  He hugs me tight, tells me not to be a stranger then kisses me on the head.

  I push a tear from my eye as I watch him get back in the van and pull away. I’m finding this all very bittersweet…and I’m leaning more towards the bitter. It’s fucking hard to pull myself away from my family again. I’ve grown very comfortable having them all around and have enjoyed being a part of that family again.

  I take a deep breath, turn my chair toward the entrance to the airport and roll myself forward. My carry-on bag is resting on my lap as I push myself to the security checkpoint. I hear my phone vibrate atop the leather duffle bag sitting on my legs. I glance down instinctively because I would have ignored it otherwise. The screen lights up MOM. I reluctantly picked it up because if she’s here, I need to know where so I can hide. However, it’s not my mother’s voice, it’s Sam, and when I hear her say my name, my chest tightens.

  “Laurel, please don’t leave. Not when we are so close to finding our way back to each other.”

  I clear my throat, mostly in an effort to keep the tears from eyes. “Sam, I have to go. It will never work between us.”

  “Why?”

  “Because I could never trust you again. Never believe you wouldn’t hurt me again. I would become some crazed, paranoid, and over-possessive girlfriend. I don’t want to be that.”

  “How do you know that would happen? We could just try.”

  I can hear Sam’s voice crack and I know what she’s feeling, “I can’t.”

  “Please,
Laurel…please, I love you.” Now I can hear the sobs echo through the phone. “We are just about there, please don’t get on that plane.”

  “Sam, tell my mom to turn the car around. Don’t you see, I’m doing this for you too. I’m not the same girl I was.”

  “I know, but we can work it all out. Take it as slow as you want. Please, I’m begging you, Laurel. I know you still love me…you said so. I don’t buy that ‘it was the drugs talking’ bullshit. I know you love me.”

  It was killing me to hear the pain in her voice, the desperation of the words she spoke. Pleading with me for another chance. But I can’t do it. I can’t tell the world that now I believe in love. That I’m back with the woman, who set it all in motion in the first place. There is no way I can face that type of humiliation. Oh my God…the hypocrisy.

  “I’m sorry Sam. It died long ago, and I want it to stay dead.

  “Dammit Laurel, stop being stupid. You know I love you…I know you know. I can see it in your eyes. I can feel it when you kiss me…when you touch me. Don’t you see, it’s already there…it’s already back. You don’t have to be the same girl you were…I want you, Laurel. Please just give us a chance.”

  “I can’t.”

  “Yes, you can…we can do this. I know we can.”

  “Be happy Sam.”

  “Laurel, just wait for me there. We are only ten minutes away. Please just wait ten minutes. Let me kiss you one more time…if you still want to go, then I’ll let you go.”

  “Goodbye, Sam.”

  “No Laurel…don’t hang up. Don’t you hang up this…”

  I ended the call and powered down my phone. I had to get through security before she found me.

  If someone had told me the record for someone crying would have been longer than six hours, I wouldn’t have believed them. Because who could possibly cry for that long a period of time? How would there still be tears left to fall after an hour, let alone six? But now I’m a believer in it. Funny how I don’t remember crying this much after Sam dumped me then I am right now on this plane. Maybe I just forgot the tears…I certainly didn’t forget the pain.