by J. A. Howell
She needed to take her meds...and coffee...she needed coffee. Taking care not to wake him, Dillan reached into the cabinet, grabbing her prescription bottle, and dumped a couple of pills into her palm before tossing them back with a water bottle she grabbed from the fridge. She peered over at him as she tried not to clank around the kitchen, setting up the coffee maker.
He moved, stretching out his legs in his sleep and softly sighing. She couldn't help but watch him. It was eerie seeing him lying there. Memories flashed in her head of Jamie. Times he had fallen asleep on the couch, in almost identical poses. Her finger pressed the power button on the coffee maker and it whirred to life, then she quietly crept back around the bar and into the living room, watching Trey as he turned slightly to his side. In a way, it was comforting seeing him sleeping, remembering those quiet moments of contentment as she had watched Jamie. But as much as Trey was identical, even now it was evident how different he was from his brother.
His slumber didn't seem peaceful at all. Dillan noticed just how much he kept shifting in his sleep, unable to get comfortable. His eyebrows pursed together, and his lips formed into a frown at something distressing in his subconscious. A few times his breathing quickened and his fists clenched. She wondered what could be running through his head at that moment. The few times she did catch Jamie having a troubling dream, he would never talk to her about them.
Maybe it was the same thing that Trey was dreaming about. Maybe they were because of Trey...
As if he knew she was standing there, Trey's eyes blinked open to meet Dillan's. Caught off guard, she immediately averted her eyes, turning back to the kitchen as several shades of red spread over her cheeks.
“I-I-I made coffee, if you wanted some...” She stuttered, turning back toward the kitchen, her head down. She stole a glance at him, watching him stretch and pull the blanket off of himself before she returned her attention to the coffee maker.
Had he realized I’ve been sitting here watching him?
“Sure, that sounds good...thanks.” He answered, very aware that she had been watching him as he grabbed his shirt off the floor and slid it over his head. Dillan opened the cabinet, hunting for two coffee mugs, avoiding any eye contact.
“Did you want cream and sugar with it?” She asked as she opened the fridge.
“I'll just take it black.” He answered as he walked toward the kitchen.
“Alright then,” She grabbed creamer out of the fridge for herself, then turned toward the mugs of coffee, bumping right into him.
“Sorry...” He apologized, “At least you didn't have the coffee in your hands yet.” A smirk crossed his lips.
“Yeah...” Dillan laughed nervously, “So...I was thinking...after we finish our coffee, maybe you wanted to visit Jamie. Well...his grave.”
Trey nodded, looking down at the mug of coffee as she handed it to him, “I’d like that...thank you.”
“Okay then. It's a plan. I'll take my coffee with me and get dressed.” She moved past him, carrying her mug with her to the bedroom, breathing a sigh of relief once she was out of the room. How am I going to deal with him staying here? She knew Kay had been right, that this was entirely unhealthy. But she couldn't help it; she couldn't just send Trey away.
Placing her coffee on her night table to cool, she slipped out of her robe and night gown, and then pulled out a pair of straight-leg jeans, a fitted red t-shirt, and her worn black low-tops. Generally, aside from the work clothes, her wardrobe looked the same. She was definitely a creature of habit. She took a drink from her coffee mug before sitting down on the bed to tie her shoes once she had changed. Here goes nothing, Dillan thought to herself as she downed the rest of the mug’s contents. Going to visit Jamie was always difficult for her.
What it represented to her, was an end. An end to something she didn’t want to be over. It felt too final, too definite. To her, there still were too many unanswered questions for a gravestone to be the end of everything she had lived for. She took another sip of coffee. A few more deep breaths.
As she walked back into the living room, Trey was ready to go, a sullen look on his face as he stood waiting for her by the door. She grabbed her messenger bag, then walked over to him.
“Dillan...” He stopped her as she grabbed the doorknob, looking down, sadness seeping through his voice.
“What's up?” She turned her head to look at him.
“If it's not too much trouble...can we stop for flowers?” His blue eyes looked almost childlike as he asked her.
“Of course.” She answered, somewhat surprised by his question and the accompanying expression. Then again, this would be the first time he would be visiting his brother's grave. It couldn’t be easy to hear the news and see the proof that he was gone all within 24 hours time. She supposed since he wasn’t able to be at the funeral that he wanted to do something for his brother now. They walked together quietly; Trey in deep contemplation, and Dillan trying to keep up her strong facade as they got closer to the cemetery. All she wanted to do was cry every time she visited his grave. He was six feet below her, but light-years away. The separation always became even more tangible as she stood there. But this visit wasn't about her. It was for Trey.
Keep it together Dillan...
As they approached the cemetery, they found a small flower shop across the street . They stopped off and Dillan watched as Trey looked through the variety of bouquets that were on display. He finally chose a bouquet of assorted white flowers before they crossed the street toward the entrance of the cemetery.
It was expansive with small little cobblestone paths winding in various directions. If it wasn’t for the fact that Jamie was buried here, she could almost say it was a pleasant looking place, well manicured, with several large willow trees and an imposing yet picturesque stone wall that ran around the whole perimeter. Both of them paused at the entrance, Trey looking for her to take the lead.
“He's this way,” She said softly, turning down one of the paths to her right. His grave was in one of the back corners, right under the shade of a willow tree. Trey let out a sigh with a defeated look in his eyes. His shoulders hunched forward as they drew closer to the spot. His eyes examined the headstone, reading his brother's name. Not as he knew it, but what it had been. Jamie Mcfayden, My Beloved. He drew in a sharp breath, standing a few feet in front of it, his hands gripping the stems of the bouquet tightly.
“I'm sorry to ask this...but do you think I could have a few minutes alone?”
Dillan wanted to be offended, but the pitiful tone in which it was asked completely disarmed her. All she could do was nod, then as he turned back to Jamie’s grave she found her way toward another large willow that happened to have a bench beneath its expansive limbs. She sat down, feeling she was far away enough to be unobtrusive, but after a few minutes, she shifted around to see what he was doing.
Dillan could see him kneeling on the ground, one hand running over the inscription of his brother’s name. Then in one violent motion, his body fell forward, shaking as one fist punched the ground, and the other crushed the stems of the flowers he had bought. A moment later he lifted his head up, and Dillan could see tears trickling down from the corners of his eyes. She could feel the pain on his face as it contorted with anger and grief.
The few times she had seen Jamie upset, she had never seen him get like that. Dillan couldn't help but wonder what feelings were running through Trey in that moment. A hand lifted to his face and wiped at the tears .She watched him take a deep breath, attempting to regain some composure.
Trey then gently unwrapped the battered bouquet from the paper they’d come in, carefully placing the still intact flowers in front of Jamie's headstone. Dillan could see his lips moving, but wasn't close enough to hear. She wanted to know what he was saying, even if it was only meant for Jamie. Slowly, she stood up and made her way back toward Jamie's grave, being as quiet as possible until she was just close enough to make out the last few things he was saying.
The last question echoed in Dillan's ears. What am I supposed to do now? She had sat there speaking those same words. Asking the same question. Her heart broke for Trey. Maybe she didn't know anything about their relationship or their life before she met Jamie, but she could tell, at least at some point in their lives that they were very close.
She stood there now, awkwardly, unsure whether to back away to the bench again, or walk over to him. She chose the latter, and walked up behind him as he sat there staring down at his brother's grave. Trey jumped at the touch of her hand on his shoulder.
“I didn't mean to frighten you,” She apologized, kneeling down next to him. “You know, I feel the same way. Jamie and I had big plans, and life was moving forward. But now I just feel like my life is at a screeching halt without him. Coming all the way here, I’m sorry you had to find out he was gone.”
Trey's eyes remained fixed on the ground in front of him, his jaw clenched, fists gripping the grass as she spoke. He wanted her words to feel comforting, and he appreciated her attempts to console him, but they didn't help.
As it completely sank in that his brother was gone, all Trey could think about was that somehow, this was his fault. All he could feel was anger and guilt. Crushing guilt. He couldn't shake the feeling that his previous mistakes had ultimately led to Jamie’s demise. His brother wouldn't be lying in a grave if he hadn't screwed up. Dillan's words only weighed him down even more. The aftermath of his stupidity had not only managed to swallow up his family, but it had spread, like cracks in the cement. It had managed to ruin Dillan’s life before he even knew her.
CHAPTER EIGHT
“Trey?” Dillan gently tapped his shoulder, furrowing her eyebrows, the void gaze in his eyes concerned her.
“Sorry, I'm ready to go whenever you are.” He answered quietly, standing unexpectedly and turning away from his brother's grave.
“Oh, okay...we can go then.” She stood up, brushing herself off then following him to the exit. “It’s getting close to lunch, why don't we go get something to eat?” She suggested, turning to him with a smile. This was the first time he had seen her do that. An unforced, real smile. It was unexpected but very endearing. Though a dark fog still seemed to pull at him, this simple expression lifted his spirit, if only slightly.
“Um, sure, lead the way.” He agreed with a nod. As they crossed the street, Dillan stopped on the corner, contemplating where to go with a finger pressed against her chin, biting her lip and narrowing her eyes as she surveyed the downtown strip for ideas.
“How do you feel about takeout?” She questioned him. He wasn't feeling too hungry but nodded again, trying to be accommodating. They walked a few blocks further, then ordered some Pho from an Asian market that Dillan tended to frequent. She didn't like to cook much these days.
After grabbing a case of beer along with the food, she led Trey back to her apartment building. He followed, carrying the case of beer, feeling strangely like something had changed between him and Dillan. He was confused. The day before she almost had seemed afraid of him, or creeped out by him. Her kindness had only seemed out of obligation. Now, it felt more genuine.
“Why don't you have a seat on the couch, I'll set up the food.” Dillan nodded toward the living room as they walked back into the apartment. He did as she asked, still feeling odd. He watched her rummage around in the kitchen for two large bowls. She dumped the ingredients of their take out boxes into them with the exception of the broth, before carrying them over to the coffee table. Dillan headed back to the kitchen once more to grab two beers and two sets of chopsticks for them before settling onto the cushion next to him. He watched her pour the steamy broth into the bowl, then swirl the contents around with the chopsticks; within seconds the meat cooked in the heat of the broth. She nodded for him to do the same with his.
“Why are you being nicer to me now?” He asked bluntly, as he watched the noodles and beef swirl around in his bowl. Dillan paused mid-slurp to look over at him, with her eyebrows raised, obviously caught in surprise.
“What do you mean?” She felt somewhat mortified by his question, knowing full well that she had been pretty closed-off with him since he first arrived.
“You just seemed a lot more uneasy about me being here yesterday. I mean, I don't blame you,” He seemed to be apologizing, “It can't be easy to find out about someone that you didn't know existed and have them look exactly like the
person you lost.” Dillan took a bite of a beef ball, chewing as she contemplated what he said.
“I'm sorry for acting like that. I guess just seeing you at the grave made me realize that despite how difficult your arrival may have been for me at first, this isn't any easier on you,” She looked up at him, offering a sympathetic smile, “We both lost the only family we knew.”
“You don't have any other family?” Trey was intrigued by her admission.
“I was an only child, and my parents died when I was five. I was raised by my grandmother, but she passed away soon after I left for college. She and I weren't particularly close, though.”
“Jamie never told me that about you. I'm sorry.”
Dillan shrugged, “I didn't remember much of my parents. It's hard to miss someone you can't remember.” She grabbed one of the beers off the coffee table and took a swig, savoring it for a moment before swallowing.
“Our father died when we were about thirteen. It really affected Jamie.” Trey spoke, also taking a swig of beer, "He got in a car accident coming home from work one night. My mother gave Jamie Dad's watch. It had been broken in the accident, but Jamie always wore it, even though it didn't work. He refused to let my mother take it to get fixed first." A look of recognition came over Dillan's face as she listened to Trey’s story.
“I think I know what watch you’re talking about. I'm pretty sure it's in with some of his stuff. I never saw him wearing it, but when I offered to have it fixed he had quickly refused. ” She never asked him anything further about it, just figured it meant something to him.
“Don't take it personal, Jamie was always pretty secretive, at least when it came to talking about emotional things like that.” Trey attempted unsuccessfully to pick up some noodles with his chopsticks. Dillan laughed a little then went to grab him a fork. Not everybody was the chopsticks type.
“These days, I'm getting the feeling he was secretive about a lot.” She said as she returned to the cushion next to him, handing him the utensil. She frowned at that thought. Had he not trusted me enough to tell me even things like that?
“I'm sorry...I didn't mean to make you feel bad. I'm sure he had his reasons. Things weren't always easy for him. From what I heard from him, he was very happy here with you...maybe he just wanted to focus on that.”
Maybe he is right. She supposed it was a more positive way to think about it, but after being with Jamie for so long, it was a bit unsettling to find out just how much he never talked to her about. A sigh passed her lips as she held the beer bottle to them, taking a few more sips.
“Really...he loved you a lot.” Trey's tone was sincere. She didn't really doubt Jamie's love, she just wished she had gotten to hear these things from Jamie himself.
“It's so funny, you can be with someone for so long, but there will still be things about them that you never knew.” Her tone was thoughtful as she took a drink, finishing off her current bottle.
“I’m done with mine too, want another?” Trey asked as he stood up, grabbing the empty bottles. Dillan nodded as he continued to speak. “I think that if he had been able to get those things out, he would have told you. Jamie had it rough, and I didn't make things much better on him.”
“Is that why he never talked about you?” Dillan asked squarely. Trey handed her another bottle and shrugged.
“I wouldn't be bragging about a brother like me either.” He sighe
d. It was half true anyways. Before they'd been separated, Trey was always too busy getting into trouble instead of being the brother he should have been. Dillan stared at him with interest as she sipped.
“I just pushed him away. Got into stupid stuff. I was completely oblivious to the things he was going through. He was always there to bail me out...but when he was in trouble, or when he needed someone, I was nowhere to be found. Funny how true that is now,” Trey's thoughts drifted to the scene at the cemetery. Dillan leaned over and put her arm around his shoulder. Maybe it was that she finally had someone that she could relate to, someone that shared the pain of losing Jamie, but she sincerely felt a growing bond between her and Trey.
“It happened so suddenly...nobody would have been able to help him. Believe me, I tried.” Dillan stared down at the brown bottle in her hand, swirling the liquid around. Trey gently patted her hand, and both sat in silence. Both of their minds wandered to Jamie as they sat there. It was a peaceful silence, almost therapeutic. Neither spoke for several minutes, their hands still touching. Connected through their loss. Dillan glanced over at Trey as his eyes drifted somewhere else entirely. It was still a bit weird to look at him. To see Jamie sitting there...but not.
The more time she spent around Trey, the more the differences between the twins became clearer. But there were those blue eyes she had fallen in love with, and the thoughtful expression they shared. Part of her wished she could just pretend. She wondered how it felt for Trey. To look in the mirror and see that same face, now just a ghost. A memory.
“So, did you want to see some of our photo albums? I haven't looked at them in a while.” Dillan broke the silence. She couldn't bear to watch him pout, the torture on his face only seeming to grow with each passing second.
