by J. A. Howell
Dillan looked down for a moment, sighing. Trey could sense the pain emanating from her as she talked about her parents. He wanted to say something, or hug her, but he just couldn't.
"Anyways," Dillan seemed to regain composure, and her expression smoothed as she spoke, "We didn't make it to the school. The car ended up hydro-planing into oncoming traffic, then flipping over several times. I probably should have died too, but I didn't."
Dillan could feel the tears filling her eyes, but she did her best to hold them back as she kept her attention focused on the water.
"I'm so sorry, Dillan. You can't possibly blame that on yourself." Trey didn't know what else to say. He couldn't imagine being in her shoes. At five years old, he and Jamie were a couple of care-free kids who played in the mud all day.
"I remember hearing my mother scream, then nothing. I remember waking up in the hospital the next day. My grandmother was sitting next to my bed, just staring at me with hateful eyes. She told me flat-out that my parents had died because I wanted them to go to the open house." Dillan took a deep breath then continued, "She reminded me almost daily that her son would be here, if it wasn't for me. If it wasn't for him meeting my mother." The tears finally trickled down her cheeks, and Dillan turned her head away from Trey. No matter how many years passed, the hurt from her grandmother’s words still stung. She hated that even from six feet under, the woman could still manage to draw tears from her.
"So... I found this place. One particularly horrible afternoon, a few months after the accident. My grandma had begrudgingly accepted a puppy that one of the neighbors had brought over for me. Mr. Evans had been fond of my parents, and had known my dad since he was a kid, so I suppose he felt bad. His dog had birthed a litter of puppies and one of them hadn't sold, so it ended up with me. I was playing with Patches in the front yard that afternoon.
He was always following me everywhere so I never worried about him running off or going in the road. We were rolling around in the grass, playing around. I remember feeling so happy with Patches despite the fact that I'd lost my parents a few months before." Dillan paused, unsure if she could continue the story. Telling Trey all of this now only felt like watching a horror movie play out. But this had been her childhood. Not some late night slasher flick. Trey couldn't even move as he listened.
"Before I could stop him, he had spotted a squirrel and decided to chase him up the tree in our neighbor's yard. Right at that same time, our other neighbor was leaving for the store. Patches was crushed by one of the back tires of the truck. He was too tiny to survive." Dillan bit her lip.
"I ran to my grandmother for help, crying hysterically. She went out to see what had happened, then when she came back in, instead of trying to comfort me she just looked down at me with that disdainful stare she had mastered so well. She sneered at me and said ‘My my Dillan, everything seems to die around you.’ She said that to a five year old that had just watched her dog die. A child that just lost her parents.” Even now, those words caused a burning anger to rise within her body. The memory of that afternoon was ingrained in her memory as clearly as the day it had happened.
“So then you found this place?” Trey asked after a minute of silence.
“Yeah, after she said that to me, I ran out here into the woods. As fast and as far as I possibly could.” Dillan still remembered how terrified she felt at first, running into the woods. Being as small as she was, the trees crept up around her. Their branches loomed over her, and the large roots grabbed her small feet, tripping her a few times as she ran. She still kept running though because anywhere else was better than her grandmother’s house. She finally stumbled through the woods to find the stream. Her tiny chest was still heaving as she tried to catch her breath.
Her wide tear-filled eyes had taken in this hidden utopia as it seemed to sweep a sort of calmness over her. Even now, it had the same affect. The nightmare she woke from that morning seemed to be slowly fading from her mind.
“Anytime she made me feel bad, or anytime she said something about my parents, I came out here.” Sometimes Dillan would come out and just sit by the stream, watching the water splash over the rocks that jaggedly lined it’s banks. Other times, she followed the stream, trying to find its source. She knew if she followed it long enough, it would lead into a larger river that passed right by Midtown University. Armed with her headphones and sneakers, she spent many days of her childhood out here, skipping rocks, hop-scotching across the ones that peeked out from the middle of the stream. She was free from her reality, even if it was just for a few hours.
“You were out here a lot as you were growing up, huh?” Trey asked, glancing over at Dillan.
“What can I say? She liked to remind me of the wreckage that I caused quite often.” Dillan shrugged before standing up, aiming her sights on a rock in the middle of the stream. He watched nervously as she hopped over to it, wobbling slightly before regaining her balance.
“But Dillan, none of that was actually your fault. You were just a child. She was a horrible woman to tell you that everyone dies around you.” Trey frowned, standing up as he watched her take another hop, landing on the other side of the stream.
“I used to believe that… that they were just hurtful words from a bitter old woman. I completely forgot them when I met Jamie. In fact I hadn’t been in these woods since I moved out for college.”
“But then Jamie died…” Trey finished her thoughts. A fresh pang of guilt slammed into his chest, and a lump balled up in his throat as he thought about his own mother’s death, and now Jamie’s. Dillan turned around to face him, catching the sad glint in his eyes as he spoke. It was a peculiar look that she didn’t exactly understand. Almost as if he knew the kind of guilt she felt.
“I know it might seem ridiculous that I’d blame myself. But maybe if he hadn’t been the one to answer the door, he wouldn’t have died. After all, the killer never came into the apartment. He never checked to see if anyone else was home. Maybe it was just terrible luck that he was killed. There is just so much about it I don’t understand.” Dillan watched his reaction to her words. His features seemed to darken as an almost tangible sadness formed around him. She wanted to feel suspicious, but in that moment all she felt was sympathy. Maybe he wasn’t telling her everything. Maybe Trey did know more than he was letting on about Jamie’s death. Regardless, her heart ached for him as she watched him regain his composure and hide behind the same type of mask she used every day. The one that convinced others you were still alive, despite the fact that a large part of you had died with the person you had lost. She knew what it was to feel like a mere shell of yourself. And that look on Trey’s face was unmistakable.
***
Trey had not said much since they had left the stream. His head was swimming with guilt like the day before, when they were at the cemetery. He needed to find a way to get a hold of Luciano without Dillan around. Luciano must have found something out by now. Whatever he might have found, Trey was sure it was only confirmation to his original suspicions.
You don’t bring death to those around you Dillan.
I do.
His eyes watched the sun illuminate the strands of Dillan’s hair that flipped around in the wind below her helmet. He wished he could comfort her. He wished he could reassure her that this wasn’t her fault in any way. But what comfort would it bring to know that Trey was the reason Jamie was dead? Dillan would hate Trey if she knew the truth. She would feel even more betrayal than she already felt toward Jamie for keeping Trey a secret.
He glanced at her again, as he felt her take a deep breath, twisting the accelerator a little more. As if she knew he was watching her, she looked back at him. She flashed another of her rehearsed smiles at him before returning her attention to the road. It did nothing to hide the sadness that was nestled deep in those hazel eyes of hers.
Trey’s mind battled itself for the rest of the trip. He would need to tell her eventually. But when…and how? He had no idea. All that h
e knew was that whenever he finally did tell her, Dillan, would be gone forever, and so would his last tie to his brother, his last semblance of family. There would be no turning back once he uttered the truth. His attention was brought back to Dillan as she stopped the motorcycle in front of her apartment building and motioned for him to climb off.
“Go on upstairs, I was going to go grab some groceries for us.” She said, handing him one of the keys off of her key ring. He nodded and started toward the apartment building. After she pulled away from the curb, Trey entered the building and took the elevator up to her floor. Before she came back, he needed to get a hold of Luciano. The agent had to know something by now. He wasted no time, pulling Luciano’s number from his wallet and hastily punching it into her kitchen phone.
“Hello? Alex?” Luciano’s voice answered a moment later.
“Yeah, it’s me.” Trey answered quietly, “Did you find out anything yet?”
“Not too much. Carlos De La Rocha was released from prison a year ago though. I believe around May.” A tightness grew in Trey’s chest at Luciano’s words.
“So it was him then?”
“As much as I suspect it, that isn’t something that I can confirm just yet. I’m working with Agent Decker to find out more.” Luciano told him. Even his tone gave him away. He had to know it was Carlos.
“If it wasn’t him, if it was just someone looking to rob my brother, why would they have left everything? Why didn’t they kill his girlfriend too?” Anger brimmed in Trey’s voice.
“Alex… I’m not saying that, but if it was him don’t you want to see him put away for the rest of his life?”
“Honestly, I rather see him dead.” He snarled at Luciano’s words.
“We can’t make a move on him without more evidence. You know that. That’s why his ass isn’t locked up for life already.”
“So the risks I took to help you put them away were for nothing?” Trey’s fist squeezed the phone.
“It was supposed to Alex… it was.”Luciano let out a sigh, hesitant to continue. “Some of the evidence got leaked. We don’t know how it happened, but the leak caused the evidence you supplied to be inadmissible.”
“Are you fucking kidding me?” Trey was livid as his brain processed Luciano’s words.
“I’m sorry Alex. I promise you that I am doing everything I can to get him now.”
“Well your promises don’t really hold much water anymore, Luciano.” Trey was curt as he hung up the phone. He didn’t want to hear any more excuses.
***
When Dillan returned to the apartment, it was obvious that the atmosphere within it had shifted. She found her mind wandering back to when she and Trey were at the stream and that look of helplessness that had flashed over his face. It had to be related to his current silence and his agitated disposition. She had taken her time at the store, feeling the need to be by herself and distract her mind from anything or anyone related to Jamie.
As she walked through the door, she found Trey standing at the window with his back straight, shoulders tense, and his fists clenched. A seething grimace caused the corners of his eyes to twitch around an unfocused glare. The room was completely void of sound, yet he hadn’t even noticed her entering the room.
She dropped the grocery bags onto the dining room table, causing him to spin around toward her. Instantaneously, the hatred he had been struggling to contain disappeared, but the apartment still felt heavy with an unspoken antipathy. Hours later, as they sat down for dinner, that same feeling still hung in the air. He sat at the table across from her, his food barely disturbed.
“Trey…” She finally began, placing down her glass.
“I’m sorry Dillan. I appreciate that you made dinner. I just don’t feel very hungry.” He looked up at her, their eyes connecting for the first time that evening.
“What’s going on? You’ve seemed upset since I got back.” Dillan asked. Trey’s words lodged in his throat. All he wanted was to tell her what he knew, to confess to what he had been keeping from her.
“Dillan, there’s something I want to tell you.” He forced the words to the surface. Her eyes widened. She had been convinced since she first met him that he knew something more.
“What is it?” Her voice was barely audible as she watched his every move. After several minutes of suspenseful silence, he finally spoke.
“Jamie’s death wasn’t your fault… I just have this feeling deep down that it had nothing to do with you.” His words felt stilted as they left his lips. But he couldn’t bring himself to tell Dillan the truth.
“Is that really what you wanted to say?” Dillan could sense there was more.
“I just don’t want you to think that his death was your fault, Dillan. You don’t need that kind of guilt.” He sighed, staring back down at his food and finally taking a bite. He wasn’t hungry but she had cooked for him. Considering the kitchen was barren when he had first arrived, he guessed that cooking wasn’t something she normally did. Dillan sat silent, watching him.
He didn’t dare to look back up at her. He could feel her anxiety, her uncertainties rising. She wanted to push the subject, and if she had, he might have caved and confessed it all. But something held her accusations at bay.
“I think I’m going to turn in early. I have work in the morning.” Dillan finally broke the silence as she pushed herself back from the table. After depositing her scraps into the trash and her plate into the dishwasher, she turned back toward him. Trey’s eyes finally met hers, and yet again that strange, sad look flickered in his gaze for a second.
“Goodnight, Dillan.” He pulled the hard exterior back, his lips forcing themselves into a smile. With a nod and an equally forced expression, she turned toward the hallway and headed for her bedroom.
CHAPTER TEN
Dillan assumed that she would be able to fall asleep rather easily. Their outing to her old house was the biggest excursion that she had found herself on in months. Considering that she not only went grocery shopping but had accomplished the rare feat of cooking dinner, she felt completely exhausted. But now, at 3 AM, she found herself wide awake. Maybe it was her conversation with Trey. Maybe she wasn’t ready to relive the horror she had experienced the night before. Either way, sleep was not coming easy tonight, despite her greatest efforts.
Dillan got back out of bed, tiptoeing toward the living room. As she turned the corner, she was relieved to find Trey fast asleep on the couch. She continued past him to the kitchen, grabbing a bottle of water from the fridge. Her throat was dry after hours of tossing and turning. Taking a sip, Dillan walked back into the living room, but stopped as her foot bumped into Trey’s bag on the floor. It caught her attention then, how small it was.
He had said he was planning to move here, is that really all he has? Dillan pouted at his meager collection of possessions. He had literally picked up and moved here with barely more than the clothes on his back. The thought that he had done all this in hopes of starting over with his brother spread a crushing feeling in her chest, as if the air had been sucked out of the room.
I guess mine weren’t the only dreams shattered by Jamie’s death.
The aching in her chest only grew with this realization, and in that moment she truly felt connected to him. She felt sorry for someone other than herself for once. She thought about how happy he must have been as he boarded his bus, thinking that despite the long trip it would all be worth it. It would have been worth it, because at the end of it all, he would have a family again. Instead, he was stuck here with Dillan. She knew she couldn’t be great company right now. The girl that Jamie had told Trey about in his letters was long gone. Even that must have been a disappointment to Trey as well.
She knelt down, grabbing the neat pile of worn clothes that he had placed by his bag, then headed toward the hall, pulling back the sliding doors to her washing machine and tossing his clothes into the machine. She added detergent and softener, and turned the dials to start the cycle. Hopefull
y the noise wouldn’t be too loud. After she shut the lid, Dillan headed back to her bedroom, flicking the light on as she walked into the closet. Her fingers hovered over one of Jamie’s old t-shirts as her teeth dug into her bottom lip. It’s not like he is coming back for them, Dillan, she told herself.
Hastily she snatched the shirt and a couple others off of their hangers along with a couple of pairs of jeans. Trey had nothing and Dillan had a closetful of clothing that should fit him. She had taken care not to grab some of her favorites. The thought of seeing Trey wear them as Jamie once had was just too unsettling for her. She could manage with the pile she had tossed on the bed.
After Dillan had folded each article of Jamie’s old clothing into a small stack, she carried them out to the living room, placing them on the chair next to Trey’s bag. Trey shifted in his sleep, emitting an odd whimper as his bottom lip trembled, drawing her attention to him. His arms clutched a notebook tightly, and his forehead wrinkling as his face contorted in a painful manner.
She couldn’t help but wonder what Trey was seeing; she wondered if his dreams were also haunted by Jamie as of late.
His breathing grew labored as he shifted again, his arms discarding the notebook, letting it slide to the floor. Dillan stepped forward, picking it up. She didn’t mean to be nosey, but it had already been open when he had dropped it. She stood up, holding it close to her face attempting to make out the contents of the page in the darkened room. She turned on a small light in the kitchen, dim enough to keep from disturbing him, but enough light so that she could see clearly.
A gasp rushed past her lips as she took in the sketched image of a small cottage, nestled next to a stream. Her stream. The image immediately filled her with a similar happiness that she had felt earlier that day. A grin formed on her lips as her fingers ran over the image. She hadn’t even known he could draw. It certainly wasn’t a talent that Jamie had in common with his brother. She hesitated for a moment before turning the page, but her curiosity got the best of her.
