Slime: The new children’s book from No. 1 bestselling author David Walliams.
Page 9
“No more nasty grown-ups terrorising children.”
“I haven’t a clue who you mean!” she protested.
“You know exactly who I mean! Wrath, the Envys, Pride, Sloth, the Gluttons. We children want them all off the island forever!”
“Or?” asked Greed.
“Or Slime will have its fun with you!”
“NOOOOO!” she begged. “I will have them shipped off at once!”
“Excellent!” exclaimed Ned. “And as for you…?”
“Well, I, er, I promise to be nicer to the nasty little wretches… I mean, children!”
“Mmm,” mused the boy. “You are getting there. Now, please know you are welcome to be part of our family again. We would love you to pop over for tea at our cottage one day.”
“Er-er-erm,” stuttered the lady.
“Slime will take you!”
“It would be a pleasure,” said Slime with a wicked tone in its voice. “Goody! Goody!”
“No to the lift, but yes for the tea,” she replied.
“Super!” said Ned. “Now, Slime, let’s go!”
Slime untangled itself from the chandelier to become a jet pack, or “slet pack”.*
“Goodbye for now!” said Ned.
Together the friends shot out of the castle window, and Aunt Greta watched them go, open-mouthed in shock.
* Come on, everyone knows this word!
* A cat tumble. For goodness’ sake, just buy The Walliamsictionary and be done with it.
* A “cobbom” is an everyday word that requires zero explanation.
* Don’t delay! Get your Walliamsictionary today!
* This is a sentence that, for all his centuries of acclaim, you will never find in a book by Charles Dickens.
* No explanation is needed. Nor will it be given.
It had been the most slimetastic day, but it was nearly over.
The sun was setting over Mulch.
“Home, please!” called out the boy to the slimy jet pack on his back.
“Certainly, Ned,” obliged Slime, and they flew through the sky back to the place where the adventure had begun.
The family cottage.
WHOOSH!
Ned’s home was eerily quiet from above. As it was only dusk, his mother and father would still be hard at work.
But where was his sister, Jemima?
Upon searching the whole house, Ned found that it was empty.
“Jemima!” he called out. “JEMIMA?”
But she was nowhere to be found.
“Where is she?” asked the boy.
Slime shook its slimy head. “No idea. But she can’t have gone far. Mulch isn’t a big island.”
Checking in the bathroom, Ned noticed his wheelchair was missing too.
“My wheelchair! She’s taken my wheelchair! My sister is an absolute horror. Where on earth has she put it?” he cursed.
“What would she want with it?”
“I bet she’s thrown it off a cliff.”
“Ned, you don’t know that!”
“She’s done worse!”
“Jemima can’t be all bad.”
“Oh, she is!” replied Ned.
“Well, let’s see if we can find her! If we do, I am sure your wheelchair won’t be far away.”
“I guess so.”
“I know so. Come on!”
With that, Slime scooped the boy out of the bathroom, and they took to the skies once more. This time, Ned’s friend trans-slimed into a kite, or “slite”.*
The boy lay on top of the slite, and together they flew across the island in search of Jemima.
“LOOK!” shouted the boy. “Boot prints!”
Indeed there were big boot prints in the mud leading into the forest.
The pair glided over the trees until Ned spotted a clearing. There was a flash of bright colours down below, and the boy thought it might just be his big sister’s flowery dress. He gestured for Slime to descend, and silently the pair swooped down to the forest floor.
Slime changed back into being a blob. It scooped Ned up in its blobby arm, and held him tight.
The boy was right. Up ahead, beside the oldest tree in the forest, was Jemima. And his wheelchair. The girl was too far away for Ned to know what she was doing, but he was sure she was up to no good.
“Let’s get her again!” Ned whispered to Slime.
“Hang on a moment,” hesitated Slime.
“No! Come on! We need the element of surprise. Now turn yourself back into a ball.”
“A slimeball?”
“Exactly! Then we can roll over to her, and – surprise! – cover her from head to toe in slime!”
Slime shrugged, as much as a blob of slime can shrug, and did what it was told.
Ned pulled himself on to the top of the slimeball, and together they rolled across the forest, nearer and nearer to the girl.
TRUNDLE! TRUNDLE! TRUNDLE!
It was only when they were near that Ned saw that Jemima’s head was resting on the seat of his wheelchair. The boy wanted to tell her that he had blown off – countless times – on the very spot where her nose was, but thought better of it. It would spoil the surprise!
Rolling nearer still, Ned noticed Jemima was doing something he’d never heard her do before.
She was crying.
“Why is she blubbering?” whispered Ned to Slime.
“Maybe your sister misses you.”
“Don’t be daft, Slime. She hates me. Just like I hate her. Come on, let’s get closer.”
The slimeball rolled over a twig that snapped in two.
SNAP!
The noise must have startled Jemima. Acting on instinct, she leaped to her feet and kicked out. She kicked so hard with her booted foot…
BASH!
…that Ned and Slime shot up into the sky.
“ARGH!” screamed the boy.
As he began tumbling back to earth, he realised this particular plan had not gone to, er, plan.
“SLIME!” he shouted up. “HELP ME!”
Slime was a great deal higher in the sky than him.
“NED! I CAN’T GET TO YOU!”
The boy screamed.
“ARGH!”
Ned was plummeting straight towards Jemima.
* Boring, I know. So boring it isn’t even included in The Walliamsictionary.
Then the most marvellous thing happened. Jemima caught Ned in her arms.
“OOF!” she exclaimed. “NED! I am so pleased I found you!”
Now face to face, Ned saw she had tears in her eyes.
Slime landed a little way off in the forest.
THUD!
It began rolling over towards them through the tall trees.
“Why were you crying, Jemima?” asked Ned.
“I was worried about you!” she replied, holding her little brother in her arms.
“Me?” The boy couldn’t believe his ears.
“Yes. You. I am so sorry I made you run away from home.”
“Well, you were always so beastly to me.”
“I know. But I never wanted you to run away. When you did, I realised how much I…”
“You what?” asked Ned. Was Jemima really going to say it?
“…like you.”
“I thought you were going to say ‘love’.”
“Let’s stick with ‘like’ right now,” replied Jemima.
“‘Like’ is good!” exclaimed Ned.
“You are my little brother and I should be looking after you. Not playing horrid tricks on you.”
“Thank goodness for that!” said Ned. “But why were you hiding out here in the forest?”
“Since dawn I have been looking all over the island for you. The forest was the last place I looked. I broke down, because night was falling, and I thought you were gone… forever.”
By this time Slime had rolled all the way over to the pair.
TRUNDLE! TRUNDLE! TRUNDLE!
“Hello!” said Slime.
“AAAARRRGGGHHH!” screamed Jemima. “It talks!”
“There’s no need to scream,” reassured Ned.
“I am perfectly friendly,” said Slime.
“You did boot me up the bottom!” said Jemima.
“Oh yes,” replied Slime. “Sorry about that.”
“I deserved it,” she said. “But what are you?”
“I am Slime!”
Jemima lifted up her hand and touched this strange creature.
“Yes, you do feel very, very slimy,” she remarked.
“Slime was made when I mixed together all those disgusting things you had collected in jars,” added Ned.
Jemima’s eyes fell. “So you found out about my little… plan?”
“Yes, I did,” replied Ned.
“Oh no,” she said.
“Oh yes. But because of all that I have made a friend and had the most marvellous adventure.”
“Well. That’s something, I guess. Where have you been?” she asked.
“Flying all over the island,” replied Slime. “We have been righting wrongs.”
“Well, I would like to right a wrong,” began the girl. “Ned, I am sorry.”
The boy smiled and wrapped his arms round his sister.
“Come with us,” said Ned. “Let’s take one last flight!”
“Me?” said Jemima.
“Yes! You!” said the boy. He took his sister by the hand. “One last time around the island, please, Slime!”
“With pleasure,” replied Slime. It scooped up the pair and took to the sky. This time it changed into a great slimy dragon. Ned and Jemima held on to each other as they sat on its back, its wings flapping below them.
Together Ned and Jemima flew all over Mulch.
They flew over the school, where the pupils were all streaming out of the building, laughing and joking. The children waved up to the three in the sky.
“THANK YOU, NED!” they cried.
The boy beamed and waved back.
Next, they flew over the park.
To Ned’s surprise, a group of kids were playing football on the grass.
The boy beamed. “THANK YOU!” he called back.
Then they flew over the toyshop. Nearby a gaggle of children were out playing with their new toys.
“NED! YOU ARE THE BEST!” they shouted up.
Flying astride the dragon, the boy did a little bow.
“I’ve got a really cool brother!” remarked Jemima.
“Get used to it!” said Ned. “Ha! Ha!”
The pair chuckled as they flew over their mother’s fish-market stall and waved to her.
“MUM! LOOK! WE ARE UP HERE!”
The poor woman fainted and fell into a tray of fish. As well you might faint if you saw your children flying on the back of a dragon made of slime (or “slime-a-gon”*).
Ned and Jemima swooped over their father’s fishing boat that was just coming into port.
“DAD! LOOK!”
The man nearly tumbled off his boat into the sea.
“OOPS!” said Ned.
Another boat was heading out of port. It was a prison ship.
All the horrid grown-ups – Wrath, the Envys, Pride, Sloth and the Gluttons – were all locked in cages on the deck. They rattled the bars and screamed at the sky.
“WE’LL GET YOU FOR THIS!” they cried.
“SO LONG, SUCKERS!” called out the boy.
“HA! HA!” laughed Jemima, and she, Ned and Slime soared high up above the clouds.
Finally, they flew towards the sun as it set on the most extraordinary day Mulch had ever known.
ZOOM!
Jemima held tight to her brother, wrapping her arms round his chest. The boy looked over his shoulder and smiled. No words were necessary.*
Eventually, the three returned to the clearing in the forest, landing at the spot where they had left Ned’s wheelchair.
Slime turned back into its usual blobby self.
“WOW!” exclaimed Jemima, her face beaming with joy.
“I know, right?” replied Ned. “WOW!”
“So my little brother is some kind of superhero now?”
Ned chuckled. “Ha! Ha! I guess so! But, you know what? I don’t want to be a superhero. I just want to be me.”
With that, the boy slipped off Slime for the last time, and back into his wheelchair.
“That’s better!” said Ned. “Not nearly so slimy.”
“Well,” began Slime, “it seems as if my work here is done. I will bid you both a fond farewell.”
The two children hugged the great slimy blob.
“Thank you, Slime. We will never forget you,” said Ned.
“I will go and find some other children who might need naughty pranks played on grown-ups!”
“Lucky them,” said Ned.
“Look after each other.”
“We will,” said the pair in unison.
With that, Slime changed into thousands of little blobs. These little blobs flew up past the trees and into the sky. There they floated for a few moments, before darting off in all directions over the sky.
WHOOSH!
WHOOSH!
WHOOSH!
Soon, Slime would be in the hands of children all over the world. Children just like you.
* Not actually in The Walliamsictionary. Someone tell that idiot Walliams that his dictionary is not complete. Oh, I just remembered, I am David Walliams. Bother!
* It is not because I am too lazy to write them.
“We should be home in time for tea,” said Ned.
“It’s your birthday tomorrow!” remembered Jemima.
“I know. No surprises, please!”
“As if!” chuckled the girl. “I will run your bath!”
Ned gave his sister a look.
“With water!” she continued.
“Mmm. I almost trust you!”
Ned began turning the wheels of his wheelchair, and Jemima took the handles at the back.
“Let me give you a push,” she said.
“I don’t need a push. In fact, why don’t you hop on?”
“Are you sure?”
“Yep! This thing is cool! Let me show you what me and my wheelchair can do!”
“All right!” replied the girl as she hopped on to a bar at the back.
Ned gathered speed.
WHIRR!
Soon they’d weaved their way out of the forest and were speeding along a country lane.
Ned knocked up the front wheels, and the pair did a wheelie!
“LOVE IT!” exclaimed Jemima.
“You’ve seen nothing yet!”
Then he began spinning the chair round and round.
As the pair hurtled down a hill, they exclaimed, “WE GOT THE ZOOMIES!”
Previously written by David Walliams:
THE BOY IN THE DRESS
MR STINK
BILLIONAIRE BOY
GANGSTA GRANNY
RATBURGER
DEMON DENTIST
AWFUL AUNTIE
GRANDPA’S GREAT ESCAPE
THE MIDNIGHT GANG
BAD DAD
THE ICE MONSTER
THE BEAST OF BUCKINGHAM PALACE
FING
THE WORLD’S WORST CHILDREN
THE WORLD’S WORST CHILDREN 2
THE WORLD’S WORST CHILDREN 3
THE WORLD’S WORST TEACHERS
Also available in picture book:
THE SLIGHTLY ANNOYING ELEPHANT
THE FIRST HIPPO ON THE MOON
THE QUEEN’S ORANG-UTAN
THE BEAR WHO WENT BOO!
THERE’S A SNAKE IN MY SCHOOL!
BOOGIE BEAR
GERONIMO
THE CREATURE CHOIR
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