Finding You

by Stella Rainbow

  “Hey,” I greeted him as he removed his shoes, placing into my back pocket.

  “Hi,” His sad sounding reply reminded me of Ross’ drawling ‘hi’ from the Friends TV show.

  “What’s wrong?” I asked him as he got rid of his jacket and stepped into the room. He ran his fingers through his brown hair as he leaned against the back of the couch.

  “Mike’s daughter, Mia got hurt at school today. She broke her arm and sprained an ankle.”

  “Oh my god, is she okay?”

  Scott nodded, his lips pressed together, “They’re at the hospital right now.”

  “Maybe we could...sorry, I mean you could visit tomorrow?”

  Scott shook his head, “Rochelle, Mike’s wife, wants me to go hiking still. She’s threatening me with no desserts for a year if I don’t go. Says I’m working too hard and need to relax.” He rolled his eyes as if what Rochelle had said made no sense.

  “Well, she isn’t wrong.” I commented and Scott’s eyes narrowed at me for a second before they widened in his best impression of puppy eyes. “Will you come with me, Luke?”

  “What?” I asked, sure I’d heard wrong.

  “I mean, if you haven’t made any plans, will you go on this trip with me? The trails are pretty good, and the weather too. It’ll be a lot of fun. Please?”

  I wanted to, God I so wanted to. But I wasn’t good with new places. Plus, could I really share a tiny cabin with another man without freaking out, even if I trusted said man implicitly?

  My traitor brain immediately reminded me of that one time he had taken me on a vacation trip.

  “Isn’t this place gorgeous?” He asked, and I looked around the strip of private beach and nodded. We’d been dating for just over eight months, and it’d been the most beautiful eight months of my life. He took such good care of me, and I was so grateful he’d found me.

  That night, he took me to a pub and we drank and danced and drank so much more. I was so drunk by the time he pulled me away from the bar that I couldn’t see straight. He took me to a room in the pub, where a couple of men sat around on couches.

  “What’s going on?” My voice was slurred, but I was aware enough to know the kind of men they looked like. The kind I’d avoided at all costs when I’d been on the road. It was when I turned to look at him that I realized he was like them too, I just hadn’t seen it before.

  That night, he made me service them all before I passed out from exhaustion. The next morning, I woke up in the beach house with a sore throat, a blinding headache and the realization that I’d been a naive idiot.

  “Luke?” Scott’s voice pulled me out of my memories and I swallowed hard. It took me a few moments to control the nausea and another few to remember what Scott had asked me. “I’m sorry, I can’t.”

  Before he could say anything, I turned around and walked to my room as steadily as I could. Once I was in, I closed the door behind me and rushed to the bathroom. I leaned against the sink, turned on the tap and dunked as much of my head under it as I could, I let the cold water wash away the sweat and the anxiety that was crawling up inside me. I closed my eyes and tried to control my breathing.

  Scott wasn’t him. Scott was warm, kind, handsome and nothing like the man who’d broken me. Then why had I said no? Why couldn’t I just trust him? I knew he’d never hurt me. Then why couldn’t I go with him? What was stopping me?

  I realized I needed to talk to someone—someone who would help me straighten out the mess in my head—and pulled out my phone from my back pocket where I’d stuffed it when Scott had shown up.

  Me: Scott invited me to a weekend hiking trip with him, should I go?

  Angrie: Do you want to go?

  Me: Yes.

  Angrie: Do you trust him?

  Me: Yes.

  Angrie: Then why the fuck are you asking me?

  I chuckled at her sheer Angie-ness and thanked god for giving me a friend who knew exactly how to deal with me as I tapped in a reply.

  Me: Because you give me perspective, sweetie pie.

  Angrie: Grrrr.

  Angrie: Text/Call me if you start freaking out again. Now go tell him you’re going.

  Me: Love ya, Boo! Thank you.

  Angrie: Ew.

  I laughed at her reply before tucking the phone in my pocket, feeling lighter as the stress seeped out of me. My hair was a mess of dry and wet so I quickly toweled what I could and left it untied to air out.

  When I stepped into the kitchen, Scott was dressed in his pajamas and setting the dishes. He looked up as I came in and immediately started speaking, “Luke, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable or anything. I shouldn’t have asked you. I understand why you wouldn’t want to go with me-”

  “I want to.”

  “-since it’s a whole weekend and away from the city and everything. I didn’t mean to make it awkward with us and I’m so...wait what?” His eyes widened as he realized what I’d said while he’d continued to rant.

  “What did you say?” He asked slowly, as if I was the one who had ignored him.

  “I said that if you still want me to go with you, I will.”

  “Are you sure? I don’t want you to be uncomfortable.”

  “I trust you, Scott. I’ll be fine.”

  Scott gave me that wide smile of his that always warmed my heart and I’m sure my grin in reply was just as wide.

  As we ate dinner, we planned on when we’d leave and what we’d do. Scott told me about the trails he loved hiking on, and the tiny ponds and the meadow he’d come across in his previous hikes. I could see that Scott loved hiking which was why it kinda saddened me that in the months since I’d become his roommate this was the first time he was giving it any time at all.

  “Why don’t you go hiking more often?” I asked, curious about why Scott wouldn’t do more of something he so obviously loved. I couldn’t imagine spending a single day without reading at least a little bit, let alone not reading for months.

  Scott shrugged, looking down at his plate for a moment before meeting my eyes, a sad wistful look darkening his brown ones.

  “Pops loved hiking and I loved hiking with him. Everything I know about it, I learned from him. After he was gone...it just reminded me of him too much. I couldn’t completely stop hiking, because on the trails, I feel the closest to him. But I couldn’t bring myself to do it all that often so I only go once or twice a year now.” The sorrow in his eyes was so deep it made my chest hurt, and I couldn’t stop myself from covering the hand he’d placed on the table and giving it a gentle squeeze. I remembered how fondly he’d talked about his godfather that day when we’d finished reading The Order of Phoenix, and I couldn’t imagine how much it had hurt to lose three parental figures one after the other like he had. I was in awe of the fact that he hadn’t let his loss and pain affect his bright personality. I couldn’t even imagine a Scott who wasn’t always warm and smiling and I hoped I’d never have to.

  He gave me a small smile and shook his head as if shaking the sad thoughts away. “Anyway, thanks for agreeing to come with me! It’s a two hour drive from here. I was planning on leaving in the afternoon, but maybe we could leave after a late breakfast? That way we can squeeze in a short hike tomorrow.”

  I loved that excitement in his voice and I promised myself that I’d make sure he gets around to hiking a lot more in the future. That is, for as long as I stayed on as his roommate, of course.

  “Fair warning, I’m a noob at hiking, so you’re gonna have to teach me everything.”

  Scott gave me that warm smile again and I felt a small flutter in my belly. “It’d be my pleasure.”

  By the time we were ready to leave the next day, it was already one p.m. because after breakfast we’d realized that I had no proper hiking gear whatsoever. So, Scott had taken me to his favorite sports shop after breakfast and helped me pick up a pair of hiking shoes, a backpack, my own water bottle and some other essentials because that was what good friends did, he told me.
I didn’t think I really needed some of that stuff but Scott went all Boy Scout and got everything he deemed even remotely necessary. By the time we were done shopping, we realized it was lunch time. So we grabbed a few sandwiches and ate on our way home to grab our stuff.

  Now we were in the car on our way to the cabin and the hiking trail. Scott was driving since I was so out of practice. I remembered how to drive, of course, but I didn’t fancy driving for two hours straight. Scott told me about the trail he was hoping to hike today, and the tiny pond near it. It sounded like such a beautiful place and I was excited to see it.

  Before long, our talk turned to books and we started discussing Throne of Glass, the series we were currently reading. I felt a strange kinship towards the main character, since we’d both been through a whole bunch of shit. She had her scars and I had mine. The only thing I disagreed with her on was the way she felt after losing her scars. I got that she’d hated losing them because she considered them a symbol that she overcame her fears and defeated her enemies, but if I could lose all my scars, I’d probably be ecstatic about it.

  My fingers absently traced the scars on my abdomen over my shirt, wondering what it’d be like to not have to avert my eyes every time I took a shower, to not be thrown back into the horrible memories every time my eyes fell on those scars. What I wouldn’t give to lose them.

  “Luke? You okay?” Scott’s voice pulled me out of my thoughts and I turned to give him an apologetic smile.

  “Sorry, yeah, I’m good. What were you saying?”

  “We’ll be there in a few.”

  “Great!”

  I turned to look out the window as Scott exited the highway and followed a barely there unpaved road into the woods. The dark copse of trees gave the air a greenish hue and I rolled down my window to take in the scene better. Cool breeze blew in through the window, carrying the scent of drying leaves and greenery. I could hear birds chirping high above us as our car rocked along the unsteady road.

  It was only a minute later that we arrived at what looked like a tiny hunting cabin that stood in the small clearing. We got out of the car, grabbed our stuff and walked up the three rickety stairs to the front door. Scott unlocked the rusty padlock with his key and opened the front door. The inside of the cabin didn’t look as decrepit as the outside. In fact, it was much more homey looking. We stepped into a small living room that had a couch, a small coffee table and a lamp as its furnishing. Scott left the front door open as he looked for the light switch and after turning it on, he led the way into another room that I discovered was a similarly tiny kitchen. There was a small sink, a counter top, a few old-looking but seemingly working appliances and one of those tiny refrigerators you saw in hotels. The other door from the room led to a bedroom with an old queen sized bed with a huge headboard, a small dresser on the side and an armchair in the corner of the room. The only window of the cabin was on the wall beside the armchair. I dropped my bags near the dresser and walked over to the window, pushing the glass open to air out the room. There was another door on the opposite wall that I assumed led to the bathroom. It was only after I’d surveyed everything that I realized it was just one bed and the two of us.

  I stared at the bed as I chewed my lip. No way was I sharing a bed with Scott. I trusted him—I’d agreed to come here, after all—but I didn’t trust my mind to not drag up old memories if that happened. Or my heart to stay in check.

  “Don’t worry, I’ll take the couch. Or use the sleeping bag I brought,” Scott said as if he'd read my mind. Or maybe the fact that I was staring at the bed with wide eyes clued him in.

  “Uh, I’ll take the couch. I’m shorter than you.”

  “Let’s table this discussion for when we actually have to sleep.”

  I nodded and then we donned our hiking shoes, grabbed our backpacks, filled our water bottles and headed out into the wild unknown. I followed Scott’s lead through the trail, and I had to admit it was fun. The weather was cooling down, but it was still warm enough to not be uncomfortable. Scott was wearing a short-sleeved t-shirt and shorts, but he hadn’t commented on my long-sleeved clothes, for which I was grateful. Somehow, Scott always seemed to know what he should or shouldn’t say to me.

  I breathed in the clear, woody scent of nature as we walked, appreciating its lightness and realizing why Scott—and his pops—loved hiking so much. It wasn’t long before we reached the pond Scott had told me about. We settled down on some rocks that were set around the pond by other hikers, as Scott told me, and I dipped my fingers into the cool pond water, smiling to myself as I spotted some tiny fishes swimming around deep in the water.

  “Beautiful, isn’t it?” Scott murmured, and I smiled.

  “Yeah,” My voice was equally soft, but when I looked up, I found Scott gazing at me instead of the pond. My cheeks warmed and I swiftly went back to looking at the pond, my heart thundering in my chest even as I told myself that he was just talking about the pond.

  We sat there for some time, just letting the nature around us comfort us and wrap us up in a peaceful blanket. We didn’t talk, and I loved how easy it was to share that silence. I could hear bird songs in the trees, and the leaves rustled sometimes when a breeze flew through them, but those were the only sounds I heard. I could easily imagine coming out here with my laptop and writing for hours without any care in the world. Not that I was working on anything at the moment. But maybe someday, I’d find the courage to write some of the stuff that swirled around in my head.

  When the sun began setting, we reluctantly stood up and headed back to the cabin. I was already looking forward to tomorrow’s hike since Scott had told me there was a beautiful meadow near one of the longer trails and I was excited to see it. I was also feeling a little tired since I wasn’t used to so much physical exertion. I went on walks sometimes, but I hadn’t done any kind of exercise in the last year. He used to force me to workout for hours, so I’d look like the perfect arm candy he needed. And just like all the other things he’d tarnished for me, gym work had joined the ranks.

  Scott offered to make dinner for us and I agreed because I knew I was more likely to end up burning something with how tired I was feeling. Scott made some simple mac n’ cheese from the groceries we’d brought with us and after a quick dinner, we decided to call it a night.

  Despite my protests, Scott insisted I take the bed, saying he was completely fine with using the sleeping bag. I ended up agreeing with him simply because I was too fucking tired to argue. I changed into my nightclothes, wished Scott a good night and fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow for the first time in years.

  10 | Scott

  After Luke went to bed, I read for an hour or so before settling down for the night. Of course, the couch was fucking uncomfortable, so I unfurled the sleeping bag on the living room floor and climbed into it.

  Today had been fun in so many ways and I couldn’t wait for tomorrow. Luke had seemed to have enjoyed the day as much as I did, even though the poor guy could barely keep his eyes open through dinner. Watching him at the pond, I’d been surprised at how many emotions had fluttered in my chest. I’d wanted to hold him tenderly, give him soft kiss and tell him that I’d always protect him. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d felt like this for anyone. Though I knew Luke had reservations and wasn’t looking for anything romantic at the moment, I couldn’t stop my heart from feeling things for him. I also apparently couldn’t stop my mouth from telling him he was beautiful, though the blush on his cheeks had made the slip worth it. Though I wasn’t sure if the blush had been out of embarrassment or pleasure.

  Either way, I knew I wouldn’t be acting on it because I’d rather have Luke as a friend than not at all. I also did not want him go back to being wary or afraid of me because I came on to him. I had no intention of being anything like the bastard who’d broken his heart.

  Once I came to that realization, my thoughts calmed down a bit and my eyes finally became heavy. But just as I started to fall asleep, I
heard a shout ring out through the tiny cabin. My eyes snapped open and I looked around, wondering if I’d imagined the sound. Just then, another shout came and this time, I could hear the voice clearly.

  “No! Please!” Luke’s voice cried out from the bedroom and I was on my feet before he’d ended speaking. I raced into the bedroom, switching on the lights on my way in. My heart was thundering in my chest as I scanned the room for the threat before my eyes fell on Luke who curled up in the bed, shaking his head from side to side. “Please don’t. Pleasepleaseplease.”

  Shit. He was having a nightmare. I rushed to his side and leaning over, gently shook his shoulder. “Luke, wake up.”

  He shot up in bed and quickly shuffled away from me, curling his arms around his legs and burying his head between his knees. “No, please. I’m sorry.”

  He was shaking so badly and it broke my heart to see him like this. I stayed where I was, not wanting to scare him any further as I tried to think calmly. What did I do? “Shh Lu, it’s okay. It’s me, Scott. You’re safe. It was just a nightmare. We’re in the cabin, remember? You’re safe.”

  Slowly, Luke looked up, his eyes red and wet with tears. “Scott?” His voice was hoarse and so full of pain that I couldn’t stop myself from walking closer.

  “Yeah, Lu, it’s me. You’re safe. It was just a nightmare.” I murmured softly as I moved to the side of the bed he was on. I didn’t go any closer though, wanting him to have space.

  Luke nodded woodenly, closing his eyes and then snapping it open again, as if what he’d seen in his nightmare was still lurking behind his eyes. “I can’t go back to sleep now.”

  “Would you like some tea?” I offered, remembering the time he’d had an episode.