Finding You

by Stella Rainbow

  Leaning up, I pressed my lips softly to his and whispered against them, “Okay.”

  12 | Scott

  “Okay,” he said, his voice so soft, so trusting that I leaned back to look into his eyes. There was a softness in them, a warmth that darkened the gray of his eyes and reminded me of storm clouds, sparks like lightning shining through their depths. Gazing into their depths, I remembered a conversation we’d had months ago and I remembered the promise I’d made to him. A promise that I was now breaking.

  Squeezing his hand, I lowered my gaze to our joined hands as I spoke, needing him to know that I hadn’t planned on breaking my promise, that I’d never do that to him.

  “Luke, when you asked me what I wanted from you few months ago, I told you I just wanted to be friends with you. I want you to know that I wasn’t lying. I’d never lie to you. At that time, I really had just wanted to be your friend. I don’t know when my feelings for you changed, but I swear I didn’t plan on it. I’m sorry I broke my pro-”

  “Scott, you’re rambling.” There was definite note of humor in his voice, which made me shut up almost instantly. “Look at me,” he said, repeating my words back to me.

  Luke was smiling, a soft tilt of lips and his gray eyes were sparkling in that way I loved so much. If I had it my way, I’d make sure he always had that look in his eyes. “Scott, I know. If I hadn’t believed you, I’d have packed up and left that very hour. I don’t trust people easily, but I trusted you from the moment we met, from the moment you picked me as your roommate because of an Alice in Wonderland quote. But the point is, I trust you. I feel safe when I’m with you, and I’ve never felt this safety before. So you’ve got nothing to worry about, okay?”

  I nodded, speechless for a moment. I swallowed the lump in my throat before replying, “I always want you to feel safe with me, Luke. And I want you to tell me if you ever feel otherwise.”

  “If I didn’t, do you think I’d have agreed to come to this cabin in the middle of nowhere with you?” His voice had a teasing lilt to it that made me smile. “Also, I really want to eat this delicious looking breakfast before it goes cold.”

  Luke grabbed the fork he’d dropped earlier and started on the scrambled eggs, staring pointedly at my plate until I did the same.

  “Probably not,” I said, answering his earlier question, though I knew it was supposed to be rhetoric. But then I remembered last night and frowned, “But you had a nightmare last night. Was it because we’re here? Because we can go home today instead of tomorrow if you want.”

  Luke shook his head, the smile still in place as he took a sip of his coffee, “I woke up last night because I’d forgotten to take my sleep meds.”

  “Sleep meds? But didn’t you tell me that you hate that stuff because it has side-effects?”

  Luke shrugged his shoulders and seemed to hesitate before answering, “Yeah. The meds help me sleep, but that also means that I wouldn’t be able to wake up if I was having nightmares. Back when I’d first gotten free, it was the only way I could get my body to rest and catch any sleep. Otherwise, I’d be tired all day and that didn't help with work. But I soon realized that I’d rather stay tired all day than be stuck back in that hell all night and so I stopped taking them. I haven't had to take it the last few months because the nightmares were tolerable and not as frequent at home. I planned to take one last night but I fell asleep before I could.”

  My eyes widened in horror as I processed what he was saying. He'd basically had to spend all night stuck in a nightmare because that’s the only way he could catch sleep? How awful was that? I wished I could do something for him. I was glad he hadn’t taken the medicine last night, even if that had led to a nightmare. At least then he’d had the chance to wake up. He’d calmed down later, too and he’d slept pretty well after that, hadn’t he? Did having me hold him help him in someway? Was that why he’d slept well afterward? He did say that he felt safe with me but was that what had helped him sleep last night?

  “You seemed to sleep fine later, on the couch,” I said cautiously, not wanting to make him uncomfortable. I could swear he blushed when I said that and then promptly focused on his breakfast. It was only after he’d finished up that he looked at me again and the blush was still there, coloring his cheeks in a light, rosy hue.

  “Uh, I’m not sure why that was.” He mumbled, and it was so different from his nervous mumble, with the blush coloring his cheeks, that it made me smile.

  “Yeah? Well, I may have a theory about that,” I said as I grabbed the empty plates and stood up. The cabin didn’t come with a dishwasher, so I filled the sink with water and started washing up. Luke was there in a minute, grabbing the towel hanging by the sink. I washed and he dried, and my eyes strayed again to those scars on his wrist. I hated this man who’d hurt him like this. How could such monsters exist in this world?

  I shook off the dark thoughts, not wanting to dwell on Luke’s past so much that I lost sight of the present. “So what’s your theory, then?” Luke’s voice suggested he already had an idea as to what it could be.

  I smiled as I washed my hands, before leaning against the counter so I was facing him. “Cuddling.”

  He looked at me with one eyebrow raised and a skeptic look on his face, “Cuddling?”

  I nodded seriously, though I was still smiling, “You know how you said you feel safe with me? Maybe you felt that safety when we fell asleep there and it kept the nightmares away. Or maybe I'm just stretching it, I don't know."

  “That sounds very…” He scrunched up his nose adorably and I laughed.

  “Cute? Sweet? Right?” I suggested, biting the inside of my cheek to keep from grinning.

  “Cliche? Sappy? Cheesy?” He shot back, making a face.

  “Maybe we need to test this theory to know its validity,” I suggested, my smile shifting to something softer. I did believe in the theory, not just because he’d slept soundly but because I had too.

  “Hmm...maybe we do.” Luke murmured, and I knew that even with his snarky comebacks, he liked the idea too.

  Once we were done with the dishes, I decided to take a quick shower. But before that, I needed to do something, considering the weather was much warmer today and we’d be hiking all day.

  “Hey, Luke?”

  “Yeah?’ He looked up from where he’d been leaning against the sink as I washed up.

  “The weather’s pretty warm today and we’ll be out all day. Do you have a t-shirt you can wear? Don’t want you to get too warm,” I said, waving a hand at his full-sleeved shirt, the only kind of clothes I’d seen him wear in all the months of living together. As expected, he shook his head.

  “Um, you can borrow one of mine, if you want? It won’t be too big on you, I think.” Luke was just a few inches shorter than me, though he was considerably leaner than me.

  “Uh, okay. Thanks.”

  Nodding, I walked into the living room and grabbed my bag from where it rested against the couch. I pulled out a white, short-sleeved t-shirt and handed it to Luke. Then I grabbed some clothes for myself and stood up.

  “I’ll just grab a quick shower.”

  “I’ll make some sandwiches to take with us?”

  “Sounds perfect! We can take a lunch break when we reach the meadow. Explore the area a little before hiking back.”

  Luke grinned at the idea and I smiled in reply before heading towards the bathroom.

  As I showered, I processed everything that had happened in the last twenty four hours. Luke felt the same way about me. He wanted to date me. He was willing to fight his demons to be with me. But he wouldn’t have to fight alone now. He’d have me to lean on whenever he needed to. I didn’t usually believe in fate but a part of me felt as if we were meant to find each other.

  After losing my parents and then my godfather, I’d decided that it was better to be alone than love someone only to lose them. I’d believed I’d lost the ability to care that deeply about someone again. And now here I was, feeling so many t
hings for Luke that it made my head whirl. It wasn’t love, I didn’t think so. But I knew that if I stayed on this track, if I continued to care for Luke the way I had so far, I’d get there in no time at all. And surprisingly, the idea didn’t seem as terrible as I’d expected it to. Yes, I was scared that something would take him away from me once I fell in love with him, but I couldn’t make myself not care either. Luke needed me, whether he knew it or not. He needed someone to show him that he was beautiful and brave and lovable. And I wanted to be that someone. I wanted to see him laugh, and smile and enjoy life the way he was supposed to. And if I had to put my own fears away to help him deal with his, then I’d be only too glad to do it.

  A smile crossed my lips as I remembered the soft kiss Luke had given me. Butterflies fluttered in my belly at the thought of it and I couldn’t wait to kiss him again. But at the same time, I knew I needed to be careful. I’d probably need to have a talk with him about what he was and wasn’t comfortable with because making him uncomfortable was the last thing I wanted to do.

  I turned off the shower and dried myself, deciding that today would be our first date and that I’d make sure Luke enjoyed every moment of today. I dressed up in the clothes I’d brought, a short-sleeved gray t-shirt and a pair of green cargo shorts. I had no interest in hiking covered in sweat and though I’d wanted to ask if Luke would like to borrow one of those too, I hadn’t wanted to end up pushing him too much. One step at a time.

  When I stepped into the living room, I realized Luke was still in the kitchen. An idea popped into my head and I sneaked off to the linen closet and pulled out a blanket, quickly folding it and pushing it into my backpack. I grabbed out water bottles from our bags and walked over to the kitchen.

  “Hey.”

  Luke looked up from the counter and gave me a smile that made those butterflies flutter in my belly again. He was wearing my t-shirt, and though it was the correct length, it was loose on his sides by a few inches, and he looked adorable in the slightly oversized shirt. “Hey, I’m just about done.”

  “I thought I’d fill up our bottles.” I said, gesturing towards the sink.

  His smile widened a little and he waved me forward. “You don’t have to do that anymore, you know?”

  “Do what?” I asked, even though I had an idea what he was talking about.

  “Wait for me to invite you in. Unless...are you a vampire? But you haven’t sucked me dry yet.” He murmured mischievously and I knew he hadn’t meant for it to sound like an innuendo. Before he could realize and start freaking out, because I knew he would, I gave him a wide grin. “Do you spot any fangs?”

  “You can hide those easily.”

  “True. But you’ve seen me in the sunlight. I didn’t burn to ash. Or sparkle like a diamond.”

  His scrunched up nose made me laugh. “Okay, okay. I won’t wait for your permission from now on.”

  Luke nodded before giving me a small smile, “Thank you for doing it, though. It meant a lot to me.”

  I shrugged in reply. I’d only wanted him to feel comfortable in his home. I’d known even before he’d told me that something had happened to him and it had only seemed proper that I did everything I could to make sure he felt as comfortable and safe as he could in his home.

  “Okay, we’re all set.” Luke said, grabbing the foil wrapped sandwiches he’d made and turning to me. I gave him a small peck on the cheek, making him blush, before leading the way into the living room.

  We quickly packed up our backpacks before heading out into the woods. The sun was out and bright, the air full of the scents of the forest and chirps of the birds, and with a pleased sigh I took Luke’s hand in mine and headed off towards the trail. Life couldn’t get better than this.

  13 | Luke

  I couldn’t wrap my mind around everything that had happened since yesterday. Scott wanted to date me. Did that really happen? I looked down at the oversized t-shirt I’m wearing, the t-shirt that smells like Scott and doesn’t hide my scars. Yeah, yeah it did.

  I smiled to myself as I followed the trail, Scott keeping pace behind me. I looked back at him to see him playing with a string of vines and shook my head with a chuckle before turning to look forward. My foot got caught on something and I stumbled. Scott grabbed me before I could fall, steadying me. It reminded me of the promise he’d made to me, of fighting my demons with me and helping me carry my baggage. If this was how it’d feel to have his support, then I’d never say no to it.

  “Thanks,” I mumbled with a smile as I tucked my hair behind my ear. I’d decided to leave it open today and now the breeze was trying to make me eat my hair. Unfortunately, my rubber band had snapped when I’d first tried to rectify my mistake so now I was stuck with dealing with them.

  “No worries,” Scott’s easy smile warmed my insides and I looked away as a blush colored my cheeks. I kept my eyes on the ground as I walked to avoid anymore stumbles and we walked for a while in complete silence before the chirping of birds made me look up. I smiled as I spotted a nest in a nearby tree. My smile widened as I realized the tiny chirps meant there were baby birds in that nest. I heard a clicking sound and turned to look at Scott, figuring he must be taking a picture of the nest but instead finding the phone’s camera pointed at me.

  “Did you take my picture?” I asked, narrowing my eyes, unsure how to feel about it.

  Scott gave me a half smile before showing me his phone. “I couldn’t stop myself.”

  I looked at the photo he’d taken and my eyes widened, my free hand drifting up to touch the tiara made of leaves and vines he’d placed on my head without me realizing before coming to rest on my mouth in awe. In the photo, the sun was lighting up my face as I seemingly looked up at the sky with a smile, my hair cascading around my face in the breeze. The picture made me look almost...magical, like one of those Fae characters I read about. “Wow.”

  “This is what I see when I look at you,” Scott murmured, a soft smile on his lips. “Someone strong, beautiful and so fucking bright. Someone magical.”

  My eyes blurred as I heard the sincerity in his voice and for the first time, I felt as if I could believe him. Because I saw that picture, and I saw everything Scott said he saw when he looked at me. I bit my lip, unsure how to thank him for returning this piece of myself to me that I’d lost somewhere along the way. And like every other time, Scott knew exactly what I needed as he pulled me into his warm embrace. I squeezed him tightly, hoping he could feel my gratitude.

  “Thank you,” I mumbled in case he couldn’t.

  “My pleasure, Lu.” He held me until I pulled away, slightly embarrassed at my reaction over a picture. But Scott just gave me his usual warm smile and extended his hand, palm up towards me. With a smile, I placed my palm in his and we continued our hike, this time walking side by side.

  The sun was directly above us by the time we reached the meadow, but the meadow itself was like a cocoon, with huge trees circling the small, oval clearing, their branches making a canopy over it. The shadowed meadow was so much cooler than the trail, and I breathed in the sweet smelling air as we stepped into the clearing. The ground was covered in weeds and wildflowers, the air full of the scents of pine and wood. I could hear birds chirping in the trees nearby, though they stayed hidden in the shadows.

  When I finally turned back to look at Scott, he was laying a blanket in the middle of the clearing. He looked up when he sensed me watching him and gave me a bright smile. “Do you like it?”

  I nodded as I walked over to him, “We’re having a picnic?”

  Scott shrugged with a smile as he laid out the sandwiches I’d made and our water bottles. He also produced two cans of soda from wherever he’d stashed them. Once he was done, I took a seat on the blanket and waited for him to do the same.

  “This place is so peaceful,” I murmured as I unwrapped my sandwich.

  “Isn’t it? I always loved coming here. I regret not coming here for so long.”

  I gave him a soft smile, wishing
I could do something to take that hurt away. I knew what it was like to lose the person you loved the most, though in a completely different way than he did.

  “When I was a kid, my mom would make this really delicious apple pie. We’d make a day of it and have a picnic in our backyard. Me, mom and our dog, Ollie. I miss those times the most.”

  Scott smiled, his eyes drifting off to some memory before he spoke again, “My mom wasn’t much of a cook. But she loved movies. She’d always take me to the theaters, every other Sunday. We stuffed ourselves in popcorns and m&ms and that’d be our dinner. Dad would tag along sometimes, but mostly it’d be me, mom and pops.”

  That’s what we did for the rest of our picnic, swapping memories of our childhood and remembering all the happy times we spent with our families. It felt nice, thinking about my good memories of them for a change. It had been so long since I’d thought of mom and dad in a happy context and it felt good to think of them without the ache of rejection and hurt clouding everything.

  Somehow, while we talked, I’d ended up on my back with my head in Scott’s lap. His fingers were running through my hair, which I was starting to realize he loved doing. I looked up at him and he gave me that sweet smile when our eyes met, his brown eyes darker than usual in the shade, reminding me of my morning coffee instead of chocolate like usual. We gazed at each other for a few moments, content to do just that. Scott’s fingers trailed from my temple to my cheekbone, once, twice, before coming to rest on my chin.

  “You’re so beautiful,” he whispered, his thumb rubbing against my chin. I blushed at the compliment, my heart fluttering in my chest as I let it wash over me.

  I took his hand from my face and pressed a shy kiss against his knuckles, giving him a smile, “You’re the best thing that ever happened to me.” And I meant it, too. I couldn’t imagine my life without Scott now.