Enough Isn't Everything (Everything Trilogy)

by Shandwick, K. L.

  I’m not happy with the person I’m turning into here. Everything I was doing was so out of character for me. Maybe I was giving out vibes I wasn’t aware of, and I needed to be far less trusting of men.

  The most honest thing that’s happened to me was Alfie, which didn’t say much for me as a person at all. Why had I been willing to have sex with someone that didn’t care how I felt?

  Worse still, I was still coming to terms with how much I missed him, even although I ended the arrangement. I was horrified with the thought I still missed him, even when I was wrapped in Max’s arms.

  Nothing about Alfie felt easy though, but his slightest touch made my body respond impulsively. When he touched me, my body hummed and buzzed, like an electrical charge had been applied.

  Correction, he even makes me feel weak without touching me. I thought I understood Superman’s Achilles Heel ‘thing’ much better now with the Kryptonite; Alfie was mine.

  Why have all my relationships been so complicated lately. I had to admit it wasn’t like that with Will, though, except that Saffy was an issue for us.

  We had to come up with a white lie today to make it easier on her. Will and I agreed to tell her that I was brought home by him, but that was the extent of our contact outside of college today.

  I felt bad that we weren’t able to be truthful with her, but for all our sakes, it was better to play it off as if our time spent outside of college was minimal, and we did just hang today, no matter how innocent it was.

  I pretended that I had been sick, and as such, Will had driven me home. Saffy still probed me about it though. “Where did he go afterwards?”

  I felt bad lying, “Not sure, I think he went home.”

  Well, it was a kind of honest… I mean… he did leave me and go home. Saffy seemed satisfied with this and went to change before dinner. I called home to the UK tonight. I felt I needed to hear my parents’ voices and tried to draw strength from talking to them.

  I did well to cover up how I was feeling, because I knew at the first hint of discord, my parents would have dramatically swooped in and brought me home. I was sounding so upbeat when I spoke to my parents. I almost convinced myself I was fine.

  They had no idea what had been going on with me during the past six weeks in my new life, except that I had partnered up with Will.

  “No Mom,” I sighed in mock frustration. “No, mother, no romantic involvement with him, he’s Saffy’s boyfriend,” I answered exacerbated by my mom’s hope. I rolled my eyes, glad that she couldn’t see me, as she lived in the hope of me giving her early grandbabies.

  My mom wanted me to be a teenage mom, and my dad wanted me to be a nun. Looks like both my parents were jinxed with me. My mother told me about Elle’s part in a West End Musical, and how excited they all were for her.

  I felt bad that I had abandoned Elle in London for America and made a mental note to call her after arranging a time by email. It was our only means of contact, due to time changes, Elle’s work, college, and her attending auditions. She was a dancer and worked odd hours.

  I knew she was going to an audition on Friday, but Elle hadn’t caught up with me yet to tell me she’d actually got the part. I berated myself for not being a better friend to her.

  I missed everyone back home, but even more today, because of how I was feeling. I knew that what was happening was my own fault and wanted to believe that everything would be all right in my world eventually.

  CHAPTER 24: MISCONCEPTIONS

  Saffy had made dinner by the time my call was done, and us girls ate dinner together for the first time in ages. I lay back, rubbing my stomach. I was feeling fit to burst, stuffed full of her fabulous enchiladas. We were listening to her crooning about Will and his sexual prowess.

  I began to feel a bit uncomfortable with some of her comments. He felt like a brother, and I wouldn’t want to hear about my brother’s cock and sexual ability in bed. I also had to work with Will on a daily basis.

  “Honestly, I had no idea that sex was so…so sexy,” Saffy gushed, her face completely serious. Holly and I howled with laughter at her. Holly figured that Saffy was the epitome of a rock star, when it came to sex.

  Holly’s summation of Saffy was that she was usually “a use-‘em-up-and-toss-‘em-aside kind of a girl,” as far as sex was concerned. Holly deduced that Will must definitely have something for Saffy to be harping on about him.

  Our evening was fabulously indulgent. We talked about boys all evening, pampered each other, painted nails, conditioned hair, and did face masks; we all looked a mess, and the apartment stunk of chemical and organic products.

  We had a great time catching up though. By the time I went to bed, I was feeling a lot better. That was until I was lying in the darkness of my room with my thoughts again.

  My mind crept back to Alfie as it usually did when I had quiet time, especially in bed at night. Did he ever lay in bed and think about me? If he did, what exactly did he think about?

  Tears gradually filled my eyes and silently streaked down the side of my temple soaking my pillow. I was so hurt, and it didn’t help when I told myself it was my own fault. My heart had been shattered by a guy whose only interest in me was in my body. I wasn’t crying for Max, I was crying for Alfie.

  What made it worse for me was that when he had taken me to his bed, he’d had the knack of making me feel like I was the most special woman in his world. How was he able to do that and feel nothing? It was sick, I was sick... lovesick. Alfie had become my first conscious thought in the morning and my last at night.

  I learned to deal with the Max and Alfie issues, and for the next month, college went much better. I had begun to make friends in some of my other classes, and there were a couple of interesting Indie-type performers that kept me entertained with their great lyric writing and cool music arrangements.

  Neil and Mandy were doing great as well. They were getting a lot of gigs and invited Will and me to join them a few times. We didn’t get paid. Well, we did – in beer – but we were at least showcasing ourselves. Neil was really encouraging us.

  Apart from that, Will and I were getting a little following of our own, which was great. I used to feel that Mandy was just being kind to me, because I was helping Will, but as more and more people asked questions about my music background, I began to believe that maybe she really did see something in me.

  Several of my tutors and students commented that they thought I had ‘a recording voice’. Again, the first couple of times I heard this, I didn’t believe it. However, with it being said in a few settings now, I was starting to feel more comfortable about singing. People liked my voice.

  There were several venues we played at during that month where I crossed Alfie’s path more than once, but we never spoke. He always seemed to have a glamorous woman hanging off of his arm, and I always felt hurt whenever I saw him.

  Several times he stared intensely at me, and I stared back, not wanting to back down and show him any weakness. In those moments I felt our connection so strongly that the air seemed thicker in the room. A couple of times I thought he was going to come over and speak to me, but he never did.

  Once, when I was grabbing some beers from the bar during a break in our set, I turned to see him watching me. His date was doing something with her phone. As I turned my head, my eyes instantly fixed on to his. He smiled a little at me, running his thumb over his lips. My heart sped up, and I instantly wanted to be his thumb.

  He made me feel so frustrated and mad at how he could be so blatantly sexy, making flirty gestures and cause brief intense moments like that. I was angry he didn’t want what I wanted between us.

  His behavior was exactly what I needed, though, to help me move past him, and my rational side began to kick in. I’d seen him with eight different women, not including me, in pubs and clubs in the time I’d known him. Not that I was counting or anything.

  His type… well they were all glamorous, older women. The only exceptions being me and the b
lond girl that sat with him that day on campus. No matter how many times I told myself I’d had a lucky escape with him, I still couldn’t shake the damn guy out of my system.

  I knew I shouldn’t want anything to do with a guy like him. I didn’t want to want him. I just needed to learn how not to want him, and everything would be fine.

  Tonight was different from all the other nights when we’ve been at the same gigs though. He was alone, drinking his beer slowly. He was listening intently and appeared to be scrutinizing the acts. This gig was like a mini-festival. There was a lot of talent in the room. As well as Mandy and Neil and Will and I, there were four other bands performing.

  Our group of friends were all buzzing after the gig, chatting excitedly about how we did and what we thought of the other acts. Holly did a hilarious impersonation of Mandy singing, which we were laughing about, when Alfie suddenly appeared beside us.

  “Hey,” he cooed, grinning at us just enough to show his cute dimple. My heart skipped a beat. I felt like he’d taken it in his palm and squeezed hard with that one word. I had a dull ache in the center of my chest and could feel my body instantly react to him.

  I was shocked into flight mode, as the adrenaline rushed through my veins and the air seemed to get sucked out of my lungs. He glanced fleetingly at me, expressionless, before turning his attention and greeting everyone. I was frozen.

  The pulse at the base of my neck ticked, as my body reacted to my proximity to him. He was standing so close to me that I could almost feel the electricity arc between us, the air in the space between us felt heavy with awareness, and it threatened to turn me into a jittery mess.

  I couldn’t help but inhale his scent, it tantalized me. It was the same familiar bodywash and him – his unique body scent – with traces of tequila and beer. I always loved how he smelled. It was such a turn on, and right then it was overwhelming me.

  He then smiled a half smile at me, and I knew I blushed as I struggled with his nearness. I silently cursed my body for reacting to him like that.

  I thought I saw a smirk as his eyes narrowed at me. He knew the effect he had on me, but it was so fleeting that I couldn’t be one hundred percent on that. I wondered if I had the same effect on his body as he did on mine.

  He turned to Will and put his fist up, both men doing that stupid bump thing with them. Will’s eyes darted to me, almost like he felt guilty for doing it, and he looked sheepish. I knew he felt disloyal because of Alfie’s lack of attention to me.

  I smiled to reassure Will, I was okay with it. It wasn’t Will’s fault Alfie behaved shitty, and I didn’t want me to be the cause of Will feeling that way. I stepped back, creating a little distance between us, and watched as he chatted easily with my friends.

  After a few minutes I sneaked another peek at him, I couldn’t fight the urge to look at him. As I watched his face I felt my heart expand and tear at my loss. Not being able to touch him was almost unbearable.

  My mind wandered back to the times where he had cupped my face and pulled me in for a kiss, or when he had pressed into me so that I could feel the pleasure I gave him.

  Alfie’s voice drew me back into the present. “You were fabulous honey.” He smiled at Mandy. He leaned forward and kissed her lightly on the cheek. He praised her voice and performance and invited her to sing with him on a bigger stage when they were supporting artists for some rock band in a few weeks. Alfie had said that to me once too though. Maybe it’s a pickup line.

  Mandy jumped up and down with excitement. She glowed at the prospect of working with him. I know it was irrational, because Mandy and Neil were solid, but I felt consumed with jealousy that he was paying so much attention to her.

  I ached for him to turn to me, give me praise, and wrap his arms around me. I diverted my eyes away from them, and my heart fell further at the hole he left in my chest, now that we weren’t anything to each other.

  When I stole another look at his features, he was still the same handsome man who oozed sex appeal. His looks, personality, and talent were a lethal combination, at least to me. He stood there talking, so unaffected by what had happened between us, and I wanted to feel numb like that.

  I wasn’t all that confident I was going to be acknowledged by him at all, other than that little smile. All these weeks we’d passed each other and not a word since the day I’d seen him in the store with Max.

  I humored myself and smirked when I had the outrageous thought that maybe I would only be acknowledged in public when someone else had their arms wrapped around me.

  Lost in my daydream my eyes must have wandered to look down absentmindedly. When I raised them again, I was still smirking. Alfie noticed this and his sparkling hazel, green-flecked eyes locked into mine.

  His mouth curved at the edges with the slightest humor on his face. It was as if he was in on my secret. I think he thought I was looking at his bulging jeans. Truly, I wasn’t.

  My first thought was to just walk away. Don’t give him the satisfaction of ignoring me in public again, and I was planning to do just that, but he turned to face Will, gesturing toward me by jutting his chin in my direction.

  “Are you going to introduce me?” Will looked like he’d been asked to undress me, his mouth gaping, because he’d tried to do just that, on more than one occasion, but Alfie had shut him down.

  He cleared his throat. “This is my… eh, mine…” He struggled for what to introduce me as. I thought it was funny and was going to wait it out and let him label me as his ‘something’, but he was my friend, and as a nice person, I wouldn’t let him suffer like that.

  “Hey,” I said, putting my hand out. “Lily… I’m Will’s colleague.” I gestured with my index finger and pointed down the length of me, just as we had both done the first day.

  I saw Alfie’s eyes reflect on that action for a moment, and Will shot me a glance, as if to say sorry. I smiled, wrinkling my nose at him, and saw him relax again.

  Alfie took my hand in his, and I melted. My legs trembled and my skin flushed. He smiled and his eyes widened as he watched the effect of his touch on my skin. It was like an electric current passing through me, making my body buzz in anticipation.

  No one else had this effect on me. Goose bumps sprung up all over me, and I shivered. He noted this by running his thumb over the goose bumps with a slow sensual smile. “Hi, Lily pleased to meet your acquaintance,” he cooed in his sexy, low, velvety voice.

  He lifted my hand as his eyes still locked in my stare, and he grazed his lips sensually over my knuckles. His tongue made the slightest moist trail as he did this, which looked like nothing to an outsider.

  His seductive technique stole my breath briefly; it hitched in my lungs and my juices pooled, making me wet. I thought my eyes may have closed briefly.

  Luckily, the room was noisy though, and there was a lot going on so no one appeared to notice what he was doing to me. No one apart from Alfie, that is. His eyes sparkled, the hue much more green, which told me he still wanted me.

  I’d recognize that look anywhere, it’s the one he always had right before he entered me. He raised his eyebrow almost as a question, before dropping my hand. At the same time, he drew his bottom lip in between his teeth, and let it spring free, moistening it with a flick of his tongue.

  It was such a sensual thing to experience on such a perfect mouth, and I was mesmerized. I wanted nothing more than to crush my mouth onto his and explore inside with my tongue as I had before.

  My slick juices pooled even more at my core, and the small strip of material between my legs was drenched. I was affected by his attention and didn’t trust myself to speak.

  Mandy interjected again, asking for the dates of the gigs Alfie had mentioned to her. I broke his gaze and walked past him. Suddenly, before I was out of earshot, he was giving an open invite to his house for drinks.

  Saffy and Holly were keen to go; Alfie was definitely a charmer. Will had some split loyalties and wondered how I felt about it, given Alfie’s pre
vious treatment of me.

  I initially complained that I was tired and was going to head home, but from the response from our group, I didn’t feel I could object anymore so I went along with it.

  I sat quietly in Will’s car on the way over. When we got to Alfie’s place, though, Will found me and squeezed my hand, because he kind of knew I didn’t want to be there. “Are you okay with this?” I nodded, a reassurance to him as I still tried to convince myself that I was. I had to keep reminding myself to act as if I hadn’t been in his house before.

  It was weird walking through the door that Alfie had pressed me into so playfully. I glanced at the stairs. Heat stirred in my core again as I became overwhelmed by the memory of him carrying me up them. Remembering all the things we did together in his room directly above this one made me want to do them again.

  I blushed as the memories came back and caught him smirking into his beer bottle when his eyes caught mine for a second. His eyes flicked to the stairs and rolled up toward the ceiling as if reading my mind again.

  Initially, he didn’t pay attention to me. Well, that’s not entirely true, his attention was demanded by everyone else in the group. Especially when they found out how popular his band was becoming as they supported major artists in the states.

  I was genuinely pleased for him with that, because he was definitely talented from what I’d heard. He was an exceptional singer, so I could only imagine how great he’d be with a band backing him.

  I was already a fan of his lyric writing as well. I’d heard a few more of his songs, and they stacked up. As a fellow musician, I couldn’t deny that he was exceptional.

  Will brought me a white wine spritzer, but my quirk had always been to have crushed ice in it.

  “Sorry, is there any ice?” Alfie motioned toward the kitchen, still holding his beer bottle, and gesturing in the direction of the kitchen with his index finger.