Enough Isn't Everything (Everything Trilogy)

by Shandwick, K. L.

  Alfie turned to me, holding both my hands. “So… did you have a good time?” I nodded.

  “You were all fabulous.” He smirked.

  “High praise indeed,” he teased. “I’m gonna have a couple of beers here with the band first, then we can go out front and watch the main band. Is that okay with you?”

  Feeling relaxed, I agreed. “Sure, take your time, I’m fine.” I walked over and sat on one of the couches feeling a little awkward. Some guy came over and sat on the arm of the couch next to me.

  “Well hi, there, sweet cheeks,” he cooed.

  The guy looked like he needed a good bath. His hair looked lank and greasy and his teeth were yellow. He flicked his hand through his hair, and the only thing I could concentrate on was his nicotine-stained fingers. He began to check me out, while scratching his crotch. He was gross.

  When he’d finished checking me out, he smiled at me tucking his long hair behind his ear. It didn’t improve his look. “How’s it going?”

  Thinking he was just being friendly, if a little lacking in his self -awareness, and that he must be involved with Alfie and his band, I indulged him. “Yeah, great thanks, they were great, weren’t they?” I gestured with my head at Alfie’s band.

  He licked his lips, and twisted his mouth. “Yeah, they’re okay, for a warm-up. You want to come with me and meet the guys from Phoebe’s Fix?” I felt a little starstruck. I knew who they were, but I didn’t really know the band, since their music hadn’t made it into the mainstream over the pond in the UK yet.

  I’d heard a lot of their stuff on the radio since coming to the US, but they could be sitting next to me, and I’d have no clue they were there. I was flattered he wanted to do this for me, but said I’d told Alfie I would wait here.

  Alfie’s arm slipped around me, and suddenly he was kissing me hard on the lips. “Hey Lily darlin’ quick, there’s someone I want you to meet.” Alfie addressed the guy, “Oh, sorry, man, Lily meet Harry, Harry… my girl Lily.”

  I was incensed at what Alfie had just done, but before I could protest, he pulled me away sharply, trailing me through some people. He stood me back against a wall in the corner of the room holding my hands in front of him.“What the…”

  “Shush,” he said softly. He bent his head. “You were almost fucked by a rock star honey.” Seeing my startled gaze, he smirked. “Harry’s the bass player in Phoebe’s Fix. He’s a crude bastard too. He fucks a girl, and offers her to others as his sloppy seconds.”

  I couldn’t help myself as I said, “That’s rich coming from you.” He stared at me.

  “What’s that supposed to mean?” I looked incredulously at him.

  “Are you fucking kidding me? Tell me if I’m wrong, but isn’t being fucked by a rock star when they take what they want without any emotion or consideration for the other person’s feelings?” I spat back at him under my breath.

  He looked stunned at me. “Is that what you think? It wasn’t like that and you know it. We…” He gestured his finger between us. “We used each other, Lily. You knew what it was, and you begged me for it, I heard you.” My mouth dropped open to protest, but he snickered and began laughing at me.

  I glanced over at Harry, his eyes still staring at us. “He’s still there,” I whispered, cringing as I looked past Alfie’s shoulder. Alfie was angry now and hissed at me.

  “He probably thinks he can take you anyway, maybe I should just leave you to it.”

  “No,” I said urgently, but with a pleading look. He raised an eyebrow and slowly began stroking my hair tenderly, his eyes locked on mine. It was hard to imagine that we were in the middle of an argument. We were arguing, but his touch felt so tender and intimate, and maybe it looked that way to anyone observing us.

  I was paralyzed by his touch, my head telling me to push him away. My body was screaming for more, much more. It felt too right to stop. Alfie laced my fingers in his and sensually lifted them, to lean on the wall above my head, his forehead on mine.

  He was making my hips jut forward a little. It turned me on, the way he held me against the wall in that way. He moved one hand after taking both in the other. I tried so hard to resist his touch, his gaze intensely holding mine.

  His eyes were smoky as he stared at me. It was probably the most erotic experience I’d ever had, and I almost begged to have him again. Alfie pushed my knees apart with one knee, lining our bodies up together, and settled his hips against mine.

  He was standing with his legs closed between my legs. He was erect, pressing solidly through the layers of material we were both wearing. His body was flush with mine. He hitched my leg on his hip, his bulge jutting further between my legs. It felt like a delicious punishment, and no doubt about it, he was turned on too.

  His gaze wandered to my lips. Every time he did this, I became weaker and weaker. He licked his lips and pressed his hips harder into me. I moaned softly and promptly berated myself for doing it.

  He smiled, a soft chuckle escaping into my neck. I exhaled and groaned, “God.” I’d been holding my breath again without realizing it. Alfie licked my neck and lightly nibbling my earlobe. It sent shivers and a rash of goose bumps over me. I moaned again and closed my eyes.

  Alfie knew exactly how to seduce me. His hand trailed down my back, cupping my ass, as he pulled me even closer to him. As if he’d read my mind, he groaned, “God, Lily…I want you so much.”

  My panties were drenched with moist, silky, wet arousal, and my body was becoming so responsive, humming at his touch. My willpower was quickly evaporating.

  I looked over, and Harry was nowhere to be seen. I didn’t tell Alfie this, and my eyes fell to his lips. He noticed and ran his tongue between them, wetting them and making me more moist in my core, if that was possible. He leaned back to look at me, the lust clear in his eyes.

  He leaned forward again and placed his lips on the side of my mouth, and exhaled raggedly again. Alfie’s head moved just a fraction, and he placed his lips on mine applying pressure, but with his lips still closed.

  “Save me a space,” I murmured, and found the strength to push him back before I surrendered completely.

  Alfie moved away instantly, his breath was uneven. “Sorry.” He looked sheepish, his hands up in a surrendering motion. He was fighting to slow his body down, breathing through his nostrils and the sound was much more labored than I’ve heard it before, even in the wildest throes of passion.

  One of the guys from the band, I still hadn’t got his name, Les or Des or something, shouted out to Alfie, in his rough New York accent, penetrating our trance-like state as we stared at each other.

  “Jesus, Alfie, just fuck her already. The tension is killing me.” I was mortified that his band had been watching me. Alfie turned and scowled, “Shut the fuck up and have some respect, dude.” Then looked at me and seemed genuinely apologetic.

  Tears welled in me. I just had to get out of there. I ran, not knowing where to. I had no clue where I was, but I knew I didn’t want to be around these people. “Lily, wait!” I was a fool to think we could be friends. It would probably always be like this. My distress confused me, but I somehow made it outside.

  There were a couple of security guys and a roadie hanging around the doorway. I saw Dan, the bus driver, and was about to speak to him when Alfie softly said, “It’s, okay, I’ve got her… I’ve got you.” He had his hands out, and Dan backed off and walked away.

  Alfie turned me to face him, and I was sobbing uncontrollably now. He engulfed me in a bear hug. I couldn’t breathe, he was suffocating me with this hot and cold treatment, suffocating my love for him and using it to torment me.

  This situation was all wrong. I could never be ‘just friends’ with him. Overwhelming feelings of love and the reality of this engulfed me. I couldn’t settle for less than the whole deal with him. I was here in his arms, and I had to resist him.

  I would have to hide my true feelings for him, he’d used them already. He was comforting me, rubbing my ba
ck, telling me, “shush.” I let him because I needed something at that moment.

  When I had calmed myself, I summoned up the energy to push him away from me. “I’m staying here tonight. I don’t want to travel back with you. I just need a cab to take me to a hotel.”

  He put his hand out for me to take it. “Come here babe.” I was incensed.

  “I am not your babe, Alfie, stop it… I’m not your anything remember?” He actually looked tortured by my outburst.

  “Come on Lily, I’m sorry, don’t be ridiculous…” I was furious.

  “Ridiculous? You and your perverted ‘mind fuck’ treatment is what’s ridiculous. I don’t want to be around you, ever! I hate you. You play with me like I’m nothing. Leave me alone, don’t fucking touch me again, don’t call me, don’t come near me. I can’t stand this anymore. I don’t want anything from you!” He looked stunned by my outburst.

  I turned to a roadie who was standing watching me. “Please help me. I want him to stay away from me,” I said pointing at Alfie. He stepped forward, and Alfie’s jaw clenched.

  “I got this buddy, she’s always this dramatic when she’s been drinking,” he quipped.

  My jaw dropped in disbelief, and I gave the roadie a pleading look. He leaned toward Alfie. “All the same dude, the girl’s upset, and I would rather you gave her some space. I’ll make sure she finds a place to stay, and you can take it up with her tomorrow.”

  Alfie was no match for the guy physically, so although he continued to try to sweet talk me, the guy wouldn’t allow him to make eye contact with me. “Dude, you’re done, back off,” he said, ushering me away after another minute. The roadie continued to scowl in Alfie’s direction until he walked away, running his hand through his hair.

  Joel, the roadie helping me, was great. He didn’t ask me any questions, but took me to a safe area of Orlando and checked me into a decent hotel. He even sorted out my car rental for me before leaving. We swapped cell numbers, and I agreed to call him if I needed him, should Alfie reappear.

  CHAPTER 33: IT IS WHAT IT IS

  I stood in the hotel room shower, sobbing my heart out. Maybe being here the US wasn’t right for me. Since I’d arrived I’ve had relationship problems with almost everyone I’ve met. I considered whether it was a culture clash or my perception of people, or maybe my naivety or my poor willpower.

  My nose was so blocked from all my tears, combined with the humid heat, it made it difficult to breathe. I felt I was suffocating, then realized I was having a panic attack. I wished for the first time that my parents had been firmer with me and that I’d stayed in the UK.

  I crawled into bed, my eyes stinging, and I fell asleep too tired to think. I awoke to my cell ringing. I squinted at the Caller ID, trying to focus in the dark. SEXPERT ID flashed so I let it ring out. A minute later there was a beep, telling me he’d left a message. That pattern continued for the next hour. I switched off my phone and sobbed again. Why couldn’t this guy just leave me alone? Does he do this to his other girls? Why does he live alone? Where is his family?

  He’d been relentless this week pursuing me, yet there was the girl on campus. Where was she when all of this was happening?

  I woke a little after nine the next morning with a pounding headache. I was going to miss college this morning for sure. I switched on my cell to call Will and explain. As soon as my cell fired up, I saw seventeen missed calls. Saffy three times, Will five, Alfie eight – five last times last night, and three this morning – and one from Joel.

  I rang Joel first figuring he’d be the quickest to deal with. I thanked him for all of his help and invited him and his wife to come visit with us after winter break. I rang Will next. “Where the hell are you Lily? We’ve been out of our minds with worry here.” His voice sounded really concerned.

  I was touched by that and felt bad that I’d worried them. I lied that my cell battery had died, and that I’d stayed the night in Miami as it had been a late night. “Did you sleep with him?” I was taken aback by Will’s directness.

  “No Will, I didn’t.” He exhaled as if he had been holding his breath. “Good girl.”

  I cringed as I thought of the possibility of Will running into Alfie on campus and finding out what really happened. Saffy was with Will as he was dropping her off at her college campus. I was relieved that I didn’t have to lie twice. Alfie, I didn’t want to deal with at all. I deleted all his missed calls.

  My voicemail envelope was flashing. I didn’t want to check it, but felt I should, just in case my parents had called. Message #1, Alfie’s voice—delete. I deleted the next six from him also. Message #8 was a little different, he sounded almost melancholic. “I won’t let you walk away without us talking this out.”

  I got especially angry about that message and before I knew what I was doing I had pressed the number to ring him back. I didn’t even think it rang before he answered. “Oh, thank God,” he said. “I was worried sick.” I smarted at that.

  “Really, Alfie? That would imply you cared. Won’t let me walk away from what?” My heart was already broken by his treatment of me. I snickered.

  “Why were you worried? We’re nothing, and anyway, I thought you didn’t do emotions.” He exhaled into his cell.

  “This isn’t the time for glib remarks,” he said dryly. “Where are you?” I shook my head.

  “Oh, no you don’t, you don’t get to be in the same room as me again, do you hear me? I don’t want you. I don’t want anything to do with you. Why won’t you leave me alone? What the hell is wrong with you?”

  His voice interrupted, “Meet me. We’ll talk, I promise.” My heart was thumping in my chest, my head bursting with anger.

  “Are you out of your freaking mind? I’m not meeting you, I’m not… I’m just not… anything to you anymore. Correction, I was never anything to you.” Alfie sighed heavily.

  “That’s not true,” he snapped back at me. I tried to sound calm.

  “Last night, on the bus.You had the opportunity to let me in. You avoided me.”

  He was silent, and then he sighed. “You want to know about me? Meet me, I’ll tell you anything you want to know.” I huffed. I was tired of this carousel we always seemed to be on.

  “Why? Why should I meet you? What does it matter now anyway? I’m walking away, Alfie. You’ve made me a mess, and I can’t allow you any more of my time. You’re not good for me.”

  “Wait!” he shouted, sensing that I was completely serious. “I’m begging you, meet me.” His voice sounded desperate. I’d never heard any real emotion in his voice before except when he sang.

  I don’t know why, but I said, “You have one hour of my time, and only because I’m curious. Fuck it up and you don’t exist to me, got it?” He sighed again sounding relieved this time.

  “Okay, where are you?” I shrugged, even though he couldn’t see me.

  “I don’t know, but my car will be here in a few minutes, give me a zip code and I’ll meet you… somewhere public, Alfie.”

  So an hour later I sat watching him before I went over. Alfie didn’t look up when I drove into the restaurant car lot, but he didn’t know it was me in the rental. He was sitting rubbing his thighs rocking back and forth. He tilted his head, then dropped it again, shaking it.

  Whatever he was thinking, it was troubling him. How could someone that looked that good make me feel this bad? I had to get past how he looked and what I felt for him and remember why I was here.

  He smiled weakly at me, standing slowly, and he almost put his hand on my waist as he greeted me. I threw him a look, and he dropped it to his side. “Thanks for agreeing to meet me, Lily,” he said his voice sounded soft and tired.

  Alfie gestured to an outside table at the restaurant. The waitress brought coffee, and I set the alarm on my cell and placed it in front of me, “You have an hour Alfie. Say what you want to say.” My tone was abrupt, and I was determined this time.

  “You want to know about me? Okay, I’m twenty-four years o
ld. I live in my family home… alone. My parents are dead, my mom when I was eighteen, my dad a couple of years ago, one from cancer the other drunk himself to death because he lost her… my mother. My sister won’t come home to see me because she can’t bring herself to come to the house that my parents died in. I can’t leave it for the same reason.”

  I sat in silence. For someone so young, he’d taken a huge hit emotionally, no wonder he was shut down. “There is stuff that I can’t talk about. Or that I’m not ready to talk about. I really like you Lily, but trust me, I can’t and won’t get into a relationship.” He gave me a half smile.

  “So you think the way to deal with your grief is to fuck up other people’s minds?” He looked pensively at me. “How many ‘fuck buddies’ have you had Alfie?” He shifted in his seat.

  “Honestly?” I cringed, when he said that expecting at least double digits.

  He looked as if he was counting then sighed. “One, you.” A tear rolled down his cheek, he exhaled heavily and looked down at his hands. I digested what he was saying. “And the other women?”

  “They’re… they don’t count.” I smirked at his dismissive tone.

  “Me? What about me?” His eyes softened.

  “When I touch you Lily, my head goes into meltdown. I just want to feel pleasure, which isn’t the same feeling as love. I told you I wasn’t capable of hearts and flowers.” I sat silent again. I just didn’t know what to say, nothing I could say would make either one of us feel any better.

  “I don’t want to lose you.” It was almost inaudible. My eyes flicked to his.

  “Lose me? We’re nothing to each other Alfie. You can’t lose what you don’t have.” His speech faltered.

  “I know… but still…” He struggled with himself, trying to figure out exactly what he meant. His hand ran through his hair again.

  “Let me ask you something, I don’t expect a reply, and if you walk away, I’ll let you, because it’s the best thing for you, but just let me say it.” I waited as his gaze fixed on mine. He leaned over and reached for my hand. I stiffened, and his eyes looked pleadingly at me not to fight this, so I let him hold it in his.