Sir John Hargrave's Mischief Maker's Manual
Page 2
The Perfect Pranksters left on the police car’s flashing lights, but not the siren. The siren would have created a disturbance, and forced the school authorities to remove the prank more quickly. The lights, on the other hand, were just funny.
Leave ’em laughing. They’ll forgive you for just about anything.
Check here after memorizing the six concepts of the Prankster’s Code.
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HOW TO STAY OUT OF TROUBLE
The best way to stay out of trouble is to stay out of trouble.
This may seem obvious to you, but many kids want to get into trouble. They like the attention. These kids are idiots.
There’s nothing good about trouble. Stay away from it at all costs. Do not flirt with Danger, and certainly don’t ask Danger to marry you. Under no circumstances should you kiss Danger. Danger doesn’t brush her teeth, and probably has rabies.
You must realize that you are not invincible. All mischief makers eventually find themselves in hot water (see The Five Levels of Trouble, page 251). That’s why you must complete the following chapters: They will help you avoid years of potential punishment and detention time.
Learn these concepts well, young prankster, for you need a clean record to get into a good college.
THE IMPORTANCE OF APPEARANCE
Here’s how you gain the trust of adults: Study hard and get good grades.
This is not a cheesy attempt to get you to behave. This is the truth. Studying hard and getting good grades provides a smoke screen by which adults and authority figures will not be likely to suspect you. Adults just let well-mannered kids get away with a whole lot more.
If you don’t already have good grades, make a conscious effort to improve, and make sure everyone notices. Good grades are your cover.
Always try to look your best. Never swear in public. Get a haircut. Use soap. Keep your fingernails free of dirt (except, of course, when you are digging). Comb your hair. Dress respectfully. Treat adults with common courtesy.
If you don’t have one already, acquire a suit (see Looking Official, page 39). Pullovers or cardigan sweaters are nice touches. It doesn’t hurt to look like an idiot once in a while. People distrust you if you look too “slick.” Strive to maintain a wholesome, Republican image. You can get away with a lot more.
CONCEAL THIS BOOK
This book can get you in trouble. Big trouble. Trouble with a capital T, and that rhymes with P, and that stands for Pranks.
Now that you have it, you must hide it. We recommend creating a paper cover for this book, which will make it easy to hide. Make a boring title for the book, so people are less likely to ask questions (see Figure 1).
Figure 1: Paper book cover
Why keep this book hidden? Because M3 will make you guilty by association. Next time someone finds a stinking fish in a desk drawer, or a live ferret in their bed, everyone will look at you—whether or not you even did it. So keep quiet. Memorize the book, then eat it.
Check here after securing a hiding place for this book. Keep the book hidden when not in use.
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PLANNING
Let’s say you are planning the most basic kind of mischief: The Apple-Pie Bed (page 72). There are still important questions to think through: How will you get access to your target’s bed? What happens if someone catches you in the act? What if there’s a vicious house cat hiding under the covers?
Before every prank, do your best to think through every possible thing that could go wrong. Try to imagine how you will respond to various problems: the chickens get loose, the exploding envelope backfires, the hot-air balloon flies away. The more sophisticated your mischief, the more elaborate your plans need to be.
For complex pranks, you should have not only a backup plan, but a backup backup plan, and (in extreme cases) an alternate backup backup plan. “Plan A” is the name of your original plan, and backups are called “Plan B,” “Plan C,” and “Plan D.” Get each plan down in writing. If it’s not in writing, it’s just an idea, not a plan.
As you make your plans, keep all your notes, documents, maps, architectural blueprints, receipts, and check stubs in a large, plain, unmarked envelope, preferably with a string tie. A plain envelope is much better than an envelope that screams “SECRET PLANS—DO NOT OPEN” in blazing red letters.
Acquire a large, unmarked envelope for storing plans. The envelope should be 8.5”×11” with no markings.
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KEEPING SECRETS
Psst . . . can you keep a secret?
Well, can you?
Secrets have a mind of their own. They want to be told. “Information wants to be free.” This, young prankster, is why you must learn to practice the ancient art of secret-keeping.
Secrets are precious. That’s why they’re secrets. Keep them that way.
When you’re preparing to plant four hundred pink flamingos on the front lawn of your church, the urge to tell someone will be overwhelming. Learn to resist this temptation.
If one wrong person finds out what you’re planning, it’s all over. That’s all it takes—one person. The famous bank robber Willie “the Actor” Sutton stole more than two million dollars from at least twenty banks throughout his career, engineering brilliant and daring escapes that left police scratching their heads. You know how they caught him? When other members of his team sold him down the river.
Selling someone down the river: Hurting someone who trusted you by revealing their secrets.
Let your word be gold. Never go back on it. Maintain absolute integrity at all times.
Make sure you surround yourself with people who can also keep secrets. Tell them you expect them to always keep your secrets, and be absolutely trustworthy. Hold yourself to the same standard.
Ask a friend to tell you a secret. Keep it.
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THE BUDDY SYSTEM
It is usually better to prank with a partner. At the very least, one of you can post lookout (see How to Make a Lookout Station, page 33) while the other makes mischief. And some pranks are so large they require a team, a band of merry pranksters. Choose your confederates carefully.
Start with a partner. Look for a friend who’s trustworthy and loyal. The two of you should have good chemistry, which means you work well together and also that you enjoy making chemicals in labs.
The two of you should share a similar sense of humor. You should each buy a copy of this manual and read it thoroughly. Buy an extra copy, just in case. Maintain absolute secrecy at all times.
As your pranks grow more ambitious, you will need to add members to your mischief-making team. Build up your team slowly. Test out new friends on smaller pranks before moving on to more sophisticated mischief.
Definitely give your team a name.
SUGGESTED PRANK TEAM NAMES:
• Prank Team Alpha
• X-12
• Super Pranksters In Training
• Tuna Quartet
• Anything ending in “Guild”
Find a trusted partner.
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HOW TO MAKE A LOOKOUT STATION
Lookouts are useful for warning of approaching danger. It’s often boring to be assigned lookout, but it’s important to be able to do it well. Lookouts are the first line of defense on a well-planned prank.
Lookout: Person or persons assigned to stand guard and “look out” for approaching authority figures (parents, teachers, PTA presidents, etc.). The code name for a lookout is a “sentry,” since most adults do not know that word.
There are two types of lookout: visible lookouts and invisible lookouts. Visible lookouts are for situations where it’s okay to be seen. For instance, let’s say you and a friend are executing The Backward Classroom (see page 189), and you’ve been assigned to look out for an approaching math teacher.
Set both of your cell phones to “vibrate.” Assign a
speed-dial button to your partner, if you haven’t already.
Stand as far away from the scene of the prank as you can get away with. You want as much advance warning as possible.
Stand in your assigned lookout location with the cell phone to your ear and your thumb on the speed-dial button. Stay alert; maintain vigilance.
If you see someone approach, simply press the speed-dial button. This will alert your partner through a vibrating cell phone that trouble is on its way. While you do this, pretend to be talking on the phone to your parents; no one ever thinks to question someone talking on a cell phone.
If more time is needed, you can also delay the math teacher with an algebra question.
Some pranking locations require multiple lookouts, also knows as a Team Lookout. Each team member should follow the instructions above, and stand in locations that allow maximum lookout coverage. If possible, use geometry (see Figure 2).
An invisible lookout functions much the same way, but the person on lookout must first secure a good hiding place. You need a hiding place with a clear line of sight; tall windows make good vantage points, as do trees (either in or behind). When trouble approaches, remain absolutely still except for your thumb speed-dialing your partner.
Figure 2: Most buildings have a square or rectangle shape, also called a quadrilateral. Proper quadrilateral coverage usually involves two lookouts, each covering maximum visible area.
With your partner, practice an invisible lookout in a safe environment, away from any active mischief (your house or neighborhood). Alert your partner when you see someone approach, using the method above as a guide.
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HOW TO FLEE
Whenever you are on a dangerous pranking mission, you should constantly be on the lookout for an escape. Never let your guard down. But you must also stay relaxed enough to carry off the mischief and have fun. This balance of staying alert but relaxed is key to the delicate art of mischief making.
There are two ways to escape: Hauling. Just run like the wind. Most adults are fat and sluggish, since they live on a diet of McDonald’s and gravy. If you stay in good shape, you can easily outrun them. This is why the disciplined prankster does aerobic exercises three times a week for thirty to forty-five minutes (see Figure 3).
Walking away briskly. Running away can seem suspicious. Sometimes you can flee by just walking away, but to do this properly you have to trust that no one is following you. Resist the urge to look back and stare. You don’t want anyone to see your face, which could be used to identify you later in a lineup.
A NOTE ABOUT BEING CHASED:
Not fun. Try to avoid it.
Go to a coffee shop (Starbucks or similar) and shout, “HALF-PRICE CAPPUCCINO FOR EVERYONE!” Then flee.
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FIGURE 3: THE PRANKSTER’S WORKOUT
DIVERSIONS
Diversions are used to direct attention away from mischief being made in another location. They’re often as fun and enjoyable as the prank itself, which is why some pranksters choose to specialize as “Diversions Experts.”
Diversions can be as creative as your imagination will allow, but use the handy M3 DEVISE-A-DIVERSION chart to think up starting recipes.
Using the patented DEVISE-A-DIVERSION chart, write a one-page description of how you would pull off that diversion.
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LOOKING OFFICIAL
It is an unfortunate fact of life, but a fact that you can use to your advantage, that people generally trust appearances. This is why the aspiring prankster always tries to look presentable. Work to blend in, not stand out. Kids with mohawks and nose rings are the first ones to get suspected when the prank hits the fan.
The best way to infiltrate the system is to look normal. They’ll never suspect you.
UNIFORMS AND COSTUMES
Every good prankster has a Basic Black wardrobe (page 40), plus any number of specialty costumes (pages 42-47). Your parents will be so surprised to hear you take an interest in clothes that they will probably buy these items with very little pestering.
SIMPLE COSTUMES ARE YOUR BEST BUY
Often, a simple costume can make you look like a store employee or other authority figure. Charlie Todd, one of the great pranksters alive today, convinced about eighty mischief makers to show up at a Best Buy store in New York City wearing a blue shirt and khaki pants. They looked so similar to actual Best Buy employees that customers couldn’t tell the difference, and the store managers freaked.
THE BASIC BLACK
All-purpose prankster’s wardrobe, “normal” enough to wear to school, but provides excellent camouflage at night. Basic Black is the mischief maker’s uniform.
Clean dark jeans (dark blue or black)
Plain dark T-shirt (no logos or artwork)
Plain dark sweatshirt (no hood)
Ball cap
Good-quality digital watch (with timer if possible)
Good-quality running shoes (black, nonreflective)
WARNING: Never wear sunglasses. Too suspicious.
THE POWER SUIT
A suit makes you look like you’re in charge. People trust somebody in a suit. But suits should only be worn when pranking an important event: weddings, funerals, the Super Bowl, etc. Suits can also be used to help you impersonate the leader of an important event or organization.
Depending on your circumstance, a suit might be overkill (although it never hurts to wear one to church). If you do go the “suit route,” try to get your parents to buy your suit from a reputable men’s store. Ask the clerk’s opinion, not your parents. When they ask why you want a suit, tell them, “I just think it’s about time I owned a suit.” It’s very difficult for parents to argue with this.
Suit pants or slacks
White cotton undershirt
Dress shirt
Necktie
Sport coat (also called “suit coat” or “blazer”)
Dressy running shoes (Rockports preferred)
WARNING: Never wear bow ties, clip-on ties, or bolo ties.
THE PAPERBOY
People trust a paperboy. The trick is to make a messenger bag that looks like it’s from your local big-city newspaper. This isn’t difficult; just take the logo from their website, and use it to customize a messenger bag at www.cafepress.com. An official logo makes you more believable.
This costume is useful because the messenger bag can be used to carry very heavy items over long distances. You can be trudging through somebody’s backyard with a messenger bag full of vanilla custard and dead frogs, and people will go, “Oh, it’s just the paperboy.”
If by chance you run into a real paperboy, do not panic. Just nod and walk away briskly.
Clean dark jeans (dark blue or black)
Striped T-shirt (no logos or artwork)
Good-quality messenger bag (with logo if possible)
A few newspapers (date does not matter)
Running shoes
NOTE: If you’re actually a paperboy, all the better.
THE CRAZY COSTUME
Sometimes the sneakiest costume is the most outrageous one. With a little planning, a “Crazy Costume” can get you into any party or sporting event. People love the idea of the Crazy Costume, and will often give you access to places you couldn’t otherwise go (sporting events, rock concerts, monster truck rallies). You can just start marching in any parade, and no one will stop you. You haven’t lived until you’ve worn a Crazy Costume at least once.
Most cities have a costume shop, a fantastic and wonderful place where they have a wide array of hilarious costumes that you can usually rent by the day (Google “costume shop” and your zip code to find the closest one).
The best Crazy Costume looks like a furry mascot of some sort. Make sure it completely covers your body, and has a full costume head (instead of just a mask). An animal costume (chicken, cow, gopher, etc.) is a good alternate choice, but not those two-person cow co
stumes, which just look silly.
A friend should act as your “helper” or “guide,” especially since you usually can’t see really well through the head.
Lightweight pants or shorts (it gets hot in there)
Comfortable T-shirt
Ridiculous-looking costume
Customized T-shirt (instant mascot)
Running shoes
NOTE: Can be personalized with a T-shirt from a local sports team.
THE PRANKSTER’S TOOL KIT
You won’t build your tool kit overnight, but be on the lookout for these items when you’re on a trip to Wal-Mart; sometimes you can just slip an item in the basket for your parents to buy you.
High-quality digital watch (with timer, if possible)
Swiss Army knife (or equivalent)
Durable flashlight (make sure it can withstand a drop from at least five feet)