Sir John Hargrave's Mischief Maker's Manual

by John Hargrave

  Take responsibility. Some adults are not stupid. They will see you are stalling for time, and threaten you with punishment. Up to this point, they might still let you go, but once they start talking about punishment, they’re serious. If they continue to threaten, you will have no choice but to confess.TAKING THE FIFTH

  This phrase refers to the Fifth Amendment in the Bill of Rights, which is the right to remain silent when being put on trial. Also known as “pleading the fifth,” it basically means not saying anything, as anything you would say would dig yourself into a deeper hole.

  Tell the truth. When you confess, be absolutely truthful. At the same time, there is no reason to volunteer any more information than necessary. The urge to tell a lie is incredibly strong, but you must resist it. Besides, it’s hard to keep track of lies. The truth is easy because it’s, well, the truth.

  Apologize five times. You should be absolutely, genuinely sorry, apologizing at least five times. You should say very little, except to say things like, “I know” and “You’re right” and “I’m really very sorry.” Don’t get cute. Don’t get sassy. Try to respond with “Yes, ma’am” and “No, sir.” Be serious; don’t joke. If possible, cry.

  Accept your defeat. Your attitude will determine much of your punishment. Let your captors have their moment in the sun. They’ve won; you’ve lost. Accept that fact, and life will go much easier.

  Do not make any sudden moves.

  Don’t make excuses. Take responsibility for your actions, for that is the mark of a professional mischief maker. By “owning up” to your actions, you will slowly regain the trust of adults, so that you can better fool them next time.

  WORST LIKELY SCENARIO

  The ancient mischief masters had a saying: “Don’t do the crime if you can’t do the time.”

  That’s a useful rule to remember throughout your mischief-making career. It means that before pulling off any prank, you should carefully think through the consequences of your actions. You shouldn’t do the prank if you can’t take the worst punishment you would be likely to receive.

  The tricky part is that you must figure out the worst likely scenario, not the worst possible scenario. The best way to guess which punishment is likely is to study the history of punishment. What happened to other mischief makers who did similar things? Was their punishment consistent? Get a feel for who gives out the worst punishment, and try to avoid those people.

  If you’re unwilling to live with the worst likely punishment, then you shouldn’t do it. End of story. Think up a new prank and move on. You must always be willing to live with the worst likely scenario, so make sure it is not expulsion from school, or excommunication from your family.

  CRIME AND PUNISHMENT

  Adults don’t generally like to discipline kids. It’s hard work, and often involves crying. It’s not pleasant. This works in your favor.

  When they do discipline, most adults lack imagination. In the olden days, mischief makers were subjected to spankings or canings (which can be thwarted by clenching your buttocks together tightly, or wearing bulky clothing under your pants).

  Nowadays, most punishments fall into two basic categories: Making you do something. This is usually something unpleasant, like cleaning dishes or scrubbing toilets. It may also be something academic, like an extra book report, or an essay on “The Role of the FDA, and Why They Had to Shut Down Our Cafeteria.”

  Taking away something. This can be your cell phone, computer, video game, TV, or online banking privileges. The only thing that really hurts about this is the loss of power. You can usually convince your parents to reduce the sentence after a few days. But why? Punishment is a great time to read a book, and work on your next great prank.

  THE FIVE LEVELS OF TROUBLE

  Trouble can be grouped into the following five categories. You should memorize these categories, so that if you’re ever caught, you can calmly analyze your situation and the punishment likely to be given out. This will give you much more control over your situation.

  Level 1: Slap on the Wrists. This kind of punishment hurts about as much as a slap on the wrists—just a quick sting, then it’s over. A lecture or “talking to” is a popular slap-on-the-wrist punishment. This is the adult way of saying that what you did was not really that serious.

  Level 2: Grounding. Longer punishments that involve losing some privilege (video game, going outside, eating, etc.), which only hurt because they represent the loss of your freedom. Accept your temporary loss, and you will feel much better for it. A detention is being grounded at school. Usually a detention involves sitting quietly in a room after school. Grounding isn’t so bad; it gives you more time to think.

  Level 3: Suspension. This comes in two forms: Out-of-School Suspension (sometimes abbreviated OSS) and In-School Suspension (sometimes abbreviated ISS). You usually have to complete extra work during your suspension, and you may not receive any credit for it. Usually parents are involved. You don’t want to be here.

  Level 4: Expulsion. This is where you are permanently removed from a school. The teachers and principal, literally, don’t know what to do with you. You have driven your school to the brink of madness, and the only way to restore things to normal is to get rid of you entirely.

  Level 5: Boarding School. Only after your parents have had as much as they can stand will they send you to a school far away, in hopes that someone there can straighten you out. In reality, this introduces you to a wide variety of new teachers and classmates to prank.

  Memorize the 8 steps of confession, the 2 types of punishment, and the 5 levels of trouble. Be able to explain each of these concepts to a trusted partner.

  PRANK RANK ACHIEVED!

  It has been a long journey, young prankster. You have read, memorized, cooked, built, and lit on fire. You have pranked hard. And you have learned well.

  By completing all the exercises in this manual, you have earned the ultimate rank of Master Mischief Maker. You have become a trained master of mischief, kind of like a Jedi master, but much funnier. Well done, young locust. Well done.

  Visit www.mischiefmakersmanual.com to track progress and download badge.

  WWW.MISCHIEFMAKERSMANUAL.COM

  As a Master Mischief Maker, or M3, you join the secret ranks of an exclusive group of pranksters worldwide. Though you may never know their names, you will recognize them by the quality of their mischief, by the daring and genius of their pranks. They come from cities and towns all over the world. There may even be some in your school!

  Your M3 title is a reason to be proud. But always remember the title is nothing, unless you live that title every day. Mischief making is a lifelong endeavor. You must never lose your curiosity, your creativity, your sense of playfulness and fun. Pranksters give joy to the world. They make people laugh, and laughing is one of the most important things you can do. Especially when it’s an evil laugh.

  ABOUT M3

  ABOUT THE M3 INSTITUTE

  The M3 Institute researches and develops the world’s most cutting-edge mischief, publishing its findings in the form of this training guide, Sir John Hargrave’s Mischief Maker’s Manual.

  Using state-of-the-art pranking technology, the M3 Institute field-tests each of the gags in this manual for quality, safety, and reliability. It also develops wackier, more modern mischief in its high-tech M3 Labs.

  The exact location of the Institute is classified.

  ABOUT THE M3 STAFF

  The staff at the M3 Institute are some of the highestranked mischief makers in the world.

  For much more mischief, visit www.mischiefmakersmanual.com.

  WWW.MISCHIEFMAKERSMANUAL.COM

  M3 INSTITUTE HONORARY HEROES

  BONUS PRANKS

  PRANK IDEAS

  At www.mischiefmakersmanual.com, our growing army of mischief makers is constantly sending in great ideas for new pranks. We’ve expanded this version of M3 with more than twenty (okay, twenty-one) of our favorite prank ideas sent in by readers.


  THE FAIRY PRINCESS: For this prank, you’ll need lots of makeup, a velcro or tie-up skirt, and ballet shoes. If you have other pink and glittery things like a teddy bear, magic wand, or princess tiara, use those, too. While your brother or father is sleeping, apply the makeup and clothes to turn him into a pretty fairy princess. Tell everyone not to say anything when he wakes up, and see how long it takes him to realize what has happened. Also, if he has an alarm clock, change it to a classical station, which is much more princess-like. (Submitted by mischief maker Hanna.)

  NAILED: If The Fairy Princess is too much work, then simply paint their fingernails while they’re asleep. There are many variations to this prank: You can do their fingernails, their toenails, or both. You can paint them all the same color or use a different color on each. You can even paint just ONE nail, leaving them to wonder how the heck that happened. The only danger to this prank is waking them up with all your giggling. Better choose someone who’s a heavy sleeper! (Submitted by mischief maker Miriam.)

  TIME WARP: This prank is easy and hilarious as long as you don’t blow it. Just set all the clocks in your house ahead by an hour. Then, in the morning, wake up your brother or sister by yelling, “We’re late for school!” This works especially well on the day of a big test or field trip. Just make sure you don’t set the clocks ahead so early that it’s obvious. Happy pranking! (Submitted by mischief maker Peacequack.)

  PUSH/PULL/PRANK: Print out some signs that read “Push” and “Pull,” then tape them to a couple of doors—on the wrong side, of course. Then sit back and watch people yank or shove the door, trying to get it open. (Submitted by mischief maker Jeremiah.)

  EXTRA-CHUNKY MILK: Take a couple of BIG scoops of cottage cheese and drop them in someone’s milk. Cottage cheese is heavier than milk, so it will sink. They’ll drink most of the cup before they begin to slurp up disgusting clumps of slimy cheese! They’ll think their milk has spoiled and turned into cheese nuggets. Before they run to the bathroom to throw up, shout out, “Relax! It’s only cottage cheese!” Then grab a spoonful of their milky sludge and pop it in your mouth. (Submitted by mischief maker BobZ.)

  IT’S A BIRD, IT’S A PLANE, IT’S A PRANK: Get a group of friends to help you with this one. Simply go to a busy street and have everyone stare up into the sky and point. See how many people join you. (Submitted by mischief maker Jjm626.)

  HEY! YOU LEFT SOMETHING ON TOP OF YOUR CAR!: Have your parents ever left something on top of the car as they drove away, like a coffee cup or your brother? This prank makes it look like they left something on top of the car. The secret is incredibly strong magnets, which you can find at kitchen stores or Walmart. You have to use something that’s light enough to be held down with the magnets (a box or a bag, not your brother). Put the magnets inside the bag and put the bag on top of the car. It’s funniest if your parents don’t know it’s there because people will be honking and pointing like mad as you drive around town. (Submitted by mischief maker Rob.)

  THE EMPTY EGG: Break open a few eggs very gently, right at the bottom. Try to leave as much of the eggshell unbroken as you can. Use the end of a spoon or your finger to get the yolk out of the egg. Then put the egg back in the carton, with the hole facing down. It should look just like a regular egg. For added fun, try doing this trick with several eggs in the carton, mixing up the prank eggs with the real eggs. The next person who goes to make a recipe will get an eggs-traordinary surprise! (Submitted by mischief maker Isaac.)

  FRO-J: Pour a glass of orange juice and put it in the freezer the night before. In the morning, take out the frozen OJ and pour a tiny bit of fresh orange juice on top. Whoever lifts the glass to their lips will expect a nice cold swig of OJ ... but nothing will come out! This is a great prank to start off their morning; it’s like a glass of frozen sunshine. (Submitted by mischief maker Liberty.)

  BREAKFAST CEREAL SWITCHEROO: Take two boxes of breakfast cereal out of your cupboard and switch the bags. This works best if you switch a boring, adult cereal (like Mueslix or Bran Flakes) with a supersweet, sugary cereal (like Cinnamon Toast Crunch or Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs). (Submitted by mischief maker Nick.)

  A FROZEN SMILE: Fill a paper cup with water, drop in a toothbrush (handle up), then leave it in the freezer overnight. The next morning, you will have a fossilized toothbrush encased in ice! Tear away the paper cup and drop the icy block in the toothbrush holder. It melts away harmlessly, so make sure the icy surprise is discovered before it thaws! (Submitted by mischief maker John.)

  ALIEN MILK: Here’s a simple, funny prank you can pull any day of the year: Add a few drops of food coloring to some milk. You can do it while the milk is still in the jug, or even to a glass of your own milk. Pretend to be horrified at the strange color, but be sure to end the prank by bravely taking a sip. Then say, “Tastes like chicken!” and drink the rest down. (Submitted by mischief maker Phineas.)

  YOU’VE BEEN SHARKED: Print a dozen pages with a picture of a shark and the words “You’ve been sharked!” Then take out all the paper from someone’s printer, and randomly shuffle in the “sharked” paper. Over the next few days, they will pick up something from the printer, only to find their document somehow printed on top of your prank paper. They’ve been sharked! (Submitted by mischief maker blandysnorhal.)

  THE FULL EGG: Take a dozen eggs out of your refrigerator and hard-boil half of them. Mix them up in the carton and put them back in the fridge. Later, someone in your family will try to crack an egg for an omelet, but imagine their surprise when the egg is already cooked! (Submitted by mischief maker Sarah26.)

  MOUSEY MIX-UP: In Windows, go to Start > Control Panel > Mouse. Check the box labeled “Switch primary and secondary buttons,” which will reverse the left and right mouse buttons. This one will confuse just about anyone; many people will think they’re the ones with the problem, not the computer! (Submitted by mischief maker Jordan.)

  SPRITE SURPRISE: Pour out a bottle of Sprite or 7-Up, saving the soda in another container. Then fill the bottle back up with tonic water. The next time they pour a glass, they’ll spit out their drink in surprise, and possibly run screaming down the street with their pants off. Tonic water tastes incredibly weird because of quinine hydrochloride, which sounds like something you’d use to remove paint, but is totally safe to drink ... just nasty! (Submitted by mischief maker Luke.)

  MISCHIEF BY MAIL: Send someone a greeting card for a birthday or anniversary (when it’s not really their birthday or anniversary, of course). Inside, write something completely weird like “I LIKE CHEESE” or “MY DOG IS MADE OF PUDDING.” Sign it, “LOVE, COUSIN FRED.” They’ll spend hours trying to figure out who is their cousin Fred, and why his dog is made of pudding. (Submitted by mischief maker Octopretzel.)

  CARAMEL ONIONS: This is a fun prank for Halloween, but you can pull it any time of the year. Find a recipe for caramel apples, but make a few of them caramel onions instead. They’ll look just like caramel apples, but with a nice, stinky surprise inside! (Submitted by mischief maker Jamie.)

  TASTY, TASTY TRASH: There’s nothing wrong with eating food out of the trash ... as long as you were the one who put it there! Make a sandwich and eat part of it. Make sure the uneaten part looks like someone got tired of the sandwich. Carefully wrap the uneaten half in a plastic bag and drop it in someone’s trash can. When they come back in the room, say, “Boy, I’m starving ... hey, you gonna eat that?” Then pick up your plastic-wrapped sandwich out of the trash can, and wolf it down. YUM! (Submitted by mischief maker Garden Gnome.)

  MAIL-A-MEAL: Any time your parents bring any kind of disgusting food into the house (meat pies, pickled fish, liver spread, etc.), try to mail some to a friend. Include a lovely handwritten note that says, “I know this is one of your favorite foods—enjoy!” If your friend has any sense of humor, he or she will mail it back to you, starting a tradition that you can continue for years, or at least until the smell becomes too overpowering. (Submitted by mischief maker Lindsay.)

  BUILD
YOUR OWN UFO: Take a large, plastic garbage bag to a party supply store and ask them to fill it with helium. Buy some small, blinking lights or glowsticks and tape them to the bag. Then tie a thread to the bag, and float it out over your neighborhood at night, like a space kite. To complete the effect, hide in the bushes and make eerie alien noises. (Submitted by mischief maker Prankazoid.)

  DOWNLOADABLE PRANKS

  At the M3 Institute, we’re constantly adding new pranks to www.mischiefmakersmanual.com in the form of free downloads that you can use to prank a friend or family member’s computer. Here are a few of our favorites: