by Lacey Silks
Miss you with all that I am.
Yours,
Joelle
* * *
Dear Nicholas,
I want to stay strong, but it’s not easy. I have one month left before the birth and haven’t heard from you. I know you would have written if you could, which makes it that much more difficult. After all, it means that you don’t even know about the beautiful miracle we’ll soon have. I pray that I’ll close my eyes and when I open them again, you’ll be here. I wish you’d never left. I’m sorry to be so selfish right now, but I’ve never needed you as much as I do now. I’m hurting on the inside. I don’t want to, because I need to stay strong for the baby, but what else can I do? Whom else can I speak to, to reach you?
I can’t climb up the ladder to the rooftop any more. It’s not safe. It’s another piece of you that I’ve lost, and if what you said was true before you left, if your deployment will in fact take two years, then I’m afraid you’ll miss our baby’s first fifteen months. He or she will be walking by then.
We turned the guest room into a nursery. With the money I’ve been making with online sales, I was able to buy everything for the baby on my own. I feel proud. I know you would too. I wish you could be here. I’m praying for your safe return. I’m praying that we’ll soon be together.
Forever yours,
Joelle
* * *
Chapter 22
“Good morning, sunshine. How is my grandchild doing?” my father asked.
“Good morning, and your grandchild kept me awake most of the night.” I smoothed my hand over my stomach, where the baby was now sound asleep. At night, I felt a few pains. I’d read about Braxton-whatever contractions, and I was pretty sure that those were it.
“It’s just making you used to getting up at night to feed it.” Marge smiled and kissed my cheek. “You look different today, Joelle. Like you’re ready for this.”
“No, no. I want to hold it in.”
“I’m afraid when it’s time, you won’t be able to hold it in. Jo, I know that Nick would have been here if he got your letters. You need to get ready to do this on your own. But we are here for you, Jo. For whatever you need.” Marge squeezed my hand.
“I know. I think I’ve accepted that. It’s just bad timing all around.”
“There’s never bad timing to have a miracle. And a baby is a miracle,” my father said. “Don’t let anything distract you from that.”
“You’re right. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be so selfish. We’ll do what we have to do.”
Although I still held out hope that Nick would suddenly return, inside I had come to terms that he would not be here for the birth, or the first year and a half of our baby’s life. It wouldn’t hurt the baby, would it? After all, a lot of other families were probably going through the same thing I was. And while I would have preferred for Nick to experience all the firsts our baby would accomplish, at least he would be back some day, and time should fly by much quicker with a newborn. I made a note to record all the baby’s firsts and take lots of pictures for Nick. The last thing I wanted was for him to feel like he’d missed too much.
“Molly’s coming home for a visit next week. It will be the perfect time for the baby to be born over the Easter weekend, when it’s due.”
“You know, honey, that you can’t plan the birth to the day. With two weeks to your due date, it could happen any moment.”
“I know. But I have a good feeling about this.” Feeling a wave of anxiousness pass over me, I rubbed my belly again.
We were having an early spring this year. The grass was getting greener, and the smell of summer was in the air. It was as if the world was preparing itself for my baby. Tulips and daffodils were blooming everywhere, even in Carter’s garden, which I’d made him clean up and replant last fall. You could smell the warmth looming over our small town and this morning, with the bright sun and clear skies, couldn’t have been more perfect.
The front door to the bakery opened and Carter pranced in, the same way he did each morning on the way to work. The fire department finally had enough men to cover all shifts.
“Good morning, Hope Bay. What’s baking in the oven? A baby, you say? Well, that’s a new one.” He winked toward me. “I’ll have an espresso, a banana spice muffin, a vanilla cupcake for Betsy, and the usual dozen donuts for the crew.”
“You know that cow will love you permanently now, don’t you?”
“Just doing my job. The mamma needs to stay fed for when she gives birth. You’re looking gorgeous today, Jo. Any special occasion?”
“None that I know of. But I do feel like taking a walk this morning, so I’ll join you on your way to the firehouse.”
“Take your phone with you, Jo.” Marge waved the device I was known to forget occasionally.
“Did you eat?” my father asked.
“Oatmeal.” I hadn’t fainted since the day I found out I was pregnant, and I took extra good care of my body. Still, Marge and my father were always over-protective, and I loved them for their constant care.
We walked side by side. For the first few minutes, both of us were lost to our own thoughts, enjoying the warm breeze. As soon as I smelled manure, I knew that we were closer to Betsy; actually, we heard her long before we approached. Mrs. Gladstone was standing at the cow’s side, where Betsy always waited for Carter, smoothing her hand between the Betsy’s eyes.
“Good morning,” we said at the same time.
“Let’s hope it will be.” Mrs. Gladstone concentrated on Betsy’s midsection.
“What’s the matter with Betsy?”
“She’s overdue, and the way she’s been complaining since dawn, I think the calf could be born today. The vet’s on the way.”
“Can she still have the cupcake?” Carter asked.
“You can try, but I don’t think she’ll want it.”
“Why not?”
“Because when your stomach’s in pain, the last thing you want is to fill yourself with food,” I explained. I’d been reading a lot of pregnancy and birthing books.
“Oh, Betsy. Don’t cry.” Carter stepped toward her from the right side and rubbed her behind her ear before offering her the cupcake. As expected, the cow rejected it.
“Is there anything we can do?” he asked.
“I don’t think so. Nature’s gotta take its course.”
“Thank God I’m not a woman.”
“You got that right,” I said. “Because a woman with your leg muscles and big arms would be a little difficult to look at.”
“Hey!”
“Just kidding, Carter. Don’t have a cow.”
Mrs. Gladstone finally took her attention away from Betsy and burst out laughing. “You two, the way you bicker you’d think you were married.”
What?
“No, Mrs. Gladstone. I assure you, we’re just good friends.”
It was enough that Doctor Burke had initially assumed that Carter was my baby’s father, and he’d fainted, or at least he pretended that he did, and I promised him that one day, I’d get back at him.
“And I gotta go to work if I want to make it on time. I’ll stop by afterward to see how Betsy’s doing.”
“Take care, you two.”
We walked toward the firehouse, and once again I remembered the day I’d seen Duke mount Betsy. Nick had been right behind me at the time, thrusting his hips forward.
“So, you’re really ready for this?” Carter pointed to my stomach, bringing me out of my thoughts.
“I think so. I have the diaper bag ready, and the room is perfect. All we’re missing is…”
“Nick?”
“Yeah.” I shook my head. “I don’t think he’s gotten my letters.”
“I’m sorry. But on the bright side, I’ve got the camera ready. There’s no way Nick’s missing this. I’ll make him watch it first thing he shows up.”
How was that a bright side?
“There’s no way you’re taking a camera to the hospital
. In fact, there’s no way you will be in the same room as me when the baby’s born.”
“Jo, it’s not like I haven’t seen a pussy.”
“Carter!”
“What?”
“You’re doing it again. Gentleman, remember? If you can be that nice and courteous to Betsy, you can show a little more chivalry toward women.”
“Yeah, but you’re you.”
“Practice on me, then use what you’ve learned on Molly when she comes home next weekend.”
He looked like he was lost in deep thought before his mouth curved up in a sly smile.
“Right, then it’s not like I haven’t seen a cha cha.”
“Cha cha?”
“Isn’t that what you girls call it?”
“No, it’s not.” Sometimes I felt like I was fighting a losing battle with Carter.
“And no matter what you call it, you won’t be anywhere near my vagina.”
“Aha! Vagina! I feel like I should have known that.”
“You know, you never cease to amaze me.”
“Which means that I’m doing my job. Except not the firefighting job. Nothing wants to burn.”
“And that’s a bad thing?”
“No, it’s a good thing, but I wish I could practice all those skills with the water hose and all that shiny equipment.”
He gestured with his hands, taking a wide stance, pretending to be holding a hose awkwardly in front of him, as if he wanted to pee.
I sighed.
Looking at his arm muscles and remembering the strength with which he had spun me when he lifted me in the air when I found out I was pregnant, I was pretty sure that he had plenty of practice with his own hose.
“I’m pretty sure you know how to handle a hose,” I said.
“Wait, was that a joke from Joelle Kagen?”
“Maybe.”
“Well, well, well. I guess we are good friends, after all.”
I stopped at the sudden sharp pain around my navel.
“You okay?”
“Yeah, the baby just kicked me a bit harder.” Which was odd because the baby was usually asleep at this time, no matter how much I walked. I picked up my pace again, my hand remaining over my baby bump, anxiousness swirling through my veins. Was this a good time to pull a fast one on Carter?
“Ahhh!” I screamed, grabbing Carter’s hand and squeezing it as tight as I thought a woman in labor would.
“Is it time? Oh, my God! Jo, we gotta get you to the hospital.”
“No, Carter. It’s coming right now!” I widened my stance, pretending that I was giving birth.
“You want me to catch it?” he asked.
I stood up straight and let go of my stomach, cocking my head to the side.
“Catch it? Why would you even say that? You say, ‘Lie down,’ or at least ask me to sit.” I rested my hands on my hips, somewhat forgetting that I was supposed to be pulling a joke on him.
He carefully looked me over, braced his hand on his hip, and leaned a little to the side.
Busted!
“Ouch?”
“Are you pretending?”
“Well, yeah. But you deserved it. I almost died when you pretended to faint at the clinic.”
“Jo, don’t ever do that to me again. You almost gave me a heart attack. And I’m serious this time.”
“I highly doubt that. I can’t believe you wanted to catch my baby.”
“I panicked, okay?”
“Panicked? You’re not allowed to panic, Carter. What if it was for real?”
“So, were you like testing me to see if I could be in the room?”
“No, I wasn’t testing you. Like I said, there’s—” A sharp pain tore through my lower abdomen, and I grasped Carter’s arm, squeezing my fingers around it.
“Jo, I’m not falling for that again.”
I felt my knees shake a little as water dripped down my leg.
“You know, if you wanted to pee we could have stopped at my house.”
“Carter,” I said between my teeth. “That’s not pee, that’s amniotic fluid.”
“Oh.” His brows scrunched together as he took in the scene: me, slightly bent over, trying to concentrate on breathing while not thinking about the next sharp pain coming from my uterus. “Oh! Shit, this is real, isn’t it? We’ve got to get you to the hospital, Jo.”
“I… I can’t walk.”
“Where’s your phone?” He reached inside my dress pocket before I replied. Waving my hand at him and catching the next breath before another sharp pain tore through me, I took a few steps to the tree at the side of the road and leaned against it.
“Jo, your battery’s dead.”
“Then get your phone.”
My lungs would only allow short and shallow breaths. Why was this happening so fast? I struggled to suck in more air.
“It’s at the fire station.”
“What good is it there?”
“Well, yours is here and that doesn’t do us any good now, does it?” He cocked his head to the side with a smug smile on his face.
“Never mind. Ahh!” The contractions were coming closer and way too quickly. What happened to the twenty-four-hour labor I’d been warned about? Well, there went my good feeling that the baby would wait until Molly was here.
“Oh, my God! Jo, we gotta get you to the hospital. And why does it feel like I’m repeating myself?”
“Carter, I don’t think we have time for the hospital.”
“Okay, wait here while I go get Doctor Burke.”
I grabbed his shirt near the collar and pulled him to me, hoping the threatening look of a crazy woman in labor was enough to keep him at my side. “Don’t you dare leave me.”
“Hold it in, Jo.”
“That’s impossible. I need to push.”
“Whoa! Let’s get you sitting.” He took me under my arm and helped me down. I leaned back against the tree trunk and wiped the sweat off my brow.
“Take my underwear off,” I said.
“I’ve been waiting for you to say that,” he winked, but when I threw him a dirty look, he became serious again.
“Once this baby is born, we will never speak of this moment again, do you understand me?” I lifted my skirt up to my knees, bent them, and pointed to my underwear.
“Yes, of course.” Carter pulled them off while his gaze darted up to the tree above us.
“It’s not going to fall out of a bird’s nest, Carter.”
“Just trying to give you some dignity.”
“Fuck dignity. I want this baby out!” I screamed, and Carter jumped up.
“I heard this happened to women, and I completely understand if you want to take your anger out on me, but Jo, as much as I want to help you, I don’t know what to do.”
“Catch the baby.”
I pushed.
“You said not to catch it.”
“That was when I wasn’t in labor. Catch the baby, Carter. I swear if you let it fall to the ground, I will kill you.”
“Got it. Catch the baby.” Carter removed his shirt. I didn’t quite know why, but I didn’t have time to ask because the next contraction came.
“Ahh!” I was sure that my scream would finally be heard by someone. Carter took a wide stance and held out his arms three feet away as if the baby would somehow fall into his arms.
“You gotta get under my skirt!” I pushed again. The pressure was greater than before. I concentrated on my breathing and on the baby making its way down the birth canal.
He hesitated but finally lifted my skirt and looked between my legs just as I felt the baby’s head pop out.
“Jesus, Jo. You look like a truck slammed right between your legs.”
“Not what I wanted to hear right now. Ahh!” I pushed again.
“Come on, little baby. Come to Uncle Carter.”
“I like that,” I said, in between the contractions.
He looked up. “Really? Can I be the uncle?”
“You del
iver this baby, and I promise you’ll be the number one uncle in this baby’s life.”
“Cool. Okay, Jo. You can do this. Push.”
From far away, I heard Betsy as she let out a long and painful moo. With Carter’s better coaching, I pushed again and felt the baby come out, right into Carter’s hands. He wrapped it in his shirt and, grateful for his quick thinking, I smiled and made a note to buy him a few extra shirts. It seemed that I had a knack for ruining them.
“What is it?” I asked.
“Congratulations, Mama. You have a beautiful baby girl.”
I broke down crying as he passed me the baby with the umbilical cord still attached. Mesmerized by my daughter, I didn’t notice when Carter stepped away and waved down a passing car. It was the vet going to Mrs. Gladstone’s farm.
“She just gave birth,” I heard Carter say. “We need help.”
“Okay, let’s see.”
The vet called for Doctor Burke before tending to the baby and me. He cleaned her up with a few of the sterile supplies he had in his car, and when Doctor Burke arrived, the vet left to help Betsy.
“I’ve already called the hospital. The ambulance is on its way, but it will take some time.”
“Is she going to be okay?”
“Yes, she is.” He clamped the cord, made sure that my baby’s nose and mouth were cleared, and then said, “I need to get the placenta. Can you give me another push, Joelle? Not too hard.”
I nodded before tensing a little.
“Perfect.”
“So, what are you going to call her?”
I wasn’t sure. I hadn’t told anyone that I’d been secretly waiting until the last moment, hoping that Nick would still show up and we could name our baby together. So I hadn’t picked a name.
“I always liked the name Mackenzie,” Carter whispered under his breath, sort of to himself.
“Did you hear that, Mackenzie? Your Uncle Carter just named you.”
“You’re serious?”
“Yes. You did a great job, Carter. Thank you.”
“Well, I can officially say that we’ll never be that close again.” He extended his arm and made an imaginary circle with his flat palm. “Especially in that area.”
But at this moment I wasn’t paying attention to him because my focus was only on my daughter, Mackenzie.
