by Lacey Silks
Chapter 23
Dear Nicholas,
Three days ago I gave birth to our daughter. Her name is Mackenzie, and everyone tells me that she looks like me, but when I look at her, I see you. Now I have part of you with me at all times. This feeling of motherhood is incredible, and I wish you were here. I don’t want to sleep and miss a moment of her precious life, even when she’s sleeping.
Mackenzie is feeding well. She’s up every two to three hours for her feedings, and of course she poops in between. I love every minute of her beautiful little smile. And then I think how long I still need to wait for you and I want to cry. I miss you so much. I’m taking plenty of pictures and my father even bought a new camera to record Mackenzie so that you can watch her first smile, learn how to say Mama and Dada, sit, crawl, and walk. I can’t wait for your return.
Her christening is next weekend. I’ve asked Carter and Molly to do the honors. I think you’d approve. They’ve both been so supportive. As soon as she’s back home for the summer, Molly said that she wants to spend as much time with her as possible.
Got to go. Mackenzie’s feeding time.
Love you,
Jo
Now I understood what Nick meant by days blending in with the nights, because that’s how it was for me. I also understood why the baby had been active at night, trying to keep me up – because she was trying to prepare me for motherhood. Today, my father took Mackenzie out for a walk to see Betsy and her new calf that was born the same day she was. I pumped enough milk for the walk, dressed Mackenzie, and sent them off. Once I hit that couch, my eyes shut and I passed out into deep sleep. I didn’t get up until I heard Mackenzie’s cute giggle and picked my head up.
“Oh, we woke up Mama,” my father said to her.
“You’re back already?”
“We’ve been gone for two hours, honey.”
Why did it feel like I only slept for minutes?
“Look who we found wandering around.” My father stepped out of the way to reveal Carter standing behind him.
“Uncle Carter to the rescue!” He pulled out a plush cow toy from behind his back.
“Carter, you have to stop buying her toys.”
“Well, when I saw this cow one and realized that my niece didn’t have a stuffed cow yet, I couldn’t resist. And Molly helped me pick it.”
Molly peeked from behind as well, waving, and then came running to my side.
“You’re back?”
“Yes, for the summer. I missed you.” She hugged me. “And Mackenzie’s gotten so big. How are you doing?”
“I’m in love with that girl.”
“As you should be. And how are you feeling?”
“A little tired, but it gets better every day.”
“I’d love to watch her sometimes during the summer. Maybe we can take her for a walk too?” She looked back at Carter, who appeared to be lost for words until my father elbowed him in the side.
“Ahm, yes. Mackenzie loves spending time with her uncle.”
Carter was still at that proud stage of letting everyone know that he had earned the title of uncle the day he delivered her. I wondered how close he and Molly had gotten while I’d been busy with the baby. When I saw the two of them together, I felt my heart squeeze. I missed Nick so much. This was supposed to be one of the happiest times of my life, and it was, but I couldn’t completely let go of the fact that I was missing Nick with all my soul. And he was missing out on so much.
“Anytime you guys want, just come over.”
Carter and Molly kept their word for the entire summer. They both helped me out as often as they could, and with more sleep and a new schedule of a mother with a newborn, I was beginning to feel like myself again, as if I could actually do this until the day Nick returned.
Dear Nicholas,
Mackenzie is growing up so fast. Her first birthday is in a week, and a few months after that, you’ll be back home. I’m baking her a cow-shaped cake. Her room now is full of cow toys, because Carter won’t stop buying them.
She has my curly hair, although the curls are still short. She looks like a little Shirley Temple but with brown hair, like mine. And she has my freckles. There are only a few for now but I’m sure more will sprinkle her face as she grows up. Oh, and did I mention her cute little teeth? They’re adorable. She’s adorable.
She now calls me Mama and she can say Dada as well. Apparently that’s early for a one-year-old. She babbles a lot and I’m pretty sure that she thinks she’s having a conversation with us when she does. I’ve been showing her your pictures so that she recognizes you when you come back. Carter’s frustrated that she can’t say his name just yet, but he’s been persistent. She definitely knows how to say “moo” but that’s probably because we visit Betsy and her calf often. Tank is not so little anymore, but Mackenzie is in love with him. Mrs. Gladstone says that she’ll keep him for breeding because he’s so big and Duke is getting old.
It feels like Mackenzie’s changing every day and growing up so quickly. Dad’s been filming her do…. well, pretty much everything. But you’ll be back soon to see it for yourself. Sending you Mackenzie’s sweet baby kisses.
Love always,
Joelle and Mackenzie
* * *
For the first of May, the day was perfect. Little did I know, it would be a day I’d remember for the rest of my life. It was Sunday morning, and I’d just gotten Mackenzie into her new dress. She was walking now, no longer wobbly, and she’d even taken a few of her first runs.
“This is the dress you should wear when daddy comes home,” I said to myself. “But then again, you’ll grow out of it in two months.
“Joelle, give Mackenzie to me.” My father was looking out the window.
I stopped combing her hair and looked up to my father’s concerned face.
“Dad, she’s not done—”
“Honey, give her to me right now. I’m going to take her to the back yard. You stay here with Marge. Come on, sweetheart, let’s see if Grandpa can find a special cupcake and a Freezie for you.”
“Walter? What’s going on?” Marge asked, and then she looked out the window. Her face went pale white, and I wondered what she saw that scared the living ghost out of her.
As soon as my father disappeared, tears spilled out of Marge’s eyes.
“Marge? What’s the matter?”
She didn’t say anything, only brought me to her body and squeezed me so hard that I thought she’d break a rib or two. “You need to stay strong for your daughter, do you understand me?” she whispered into my ear.
“Yes, of course. Oh, my God, what’s wrong?”
Marge was shaking. She didn’t let go of me until the doorbell rang, and then she took me by my shoulders, looked me straight into my eyes, and said, “Remember what I said – stay strong.”
At this point she was really scaring me. She held me under my arm as we both walked to the front door. When I opened it, I was a little surprised to see two police officers, not from our town, standing on the front porch. One of them was holding a folded American flag, and Captain Clark was standing behind them. Marge was sobbing before they spoke a word. In the back of my mind, something clicked, but I forced away the disturbing thought that was trying to break through.
“Good morning,” I said quietly.
“Ms. Kagen? Mrs. Tuscan? May we come in, please?”
“Yes, of course.”
I stepped out of the way, noticing how weak my knees felt. We went to the living room, and Marge forced me to take a seat on the couch. The officers remained standing.
“I’m sorry to have to inform you, but your son” – he looked at Marge first, then at me – “your fiancé has passed away.”
One of the officers stepped forward and handed me the folded flag. I refused to cry because I refused to believe it. It couldn’t be true. I would have felt it if Nick was gone, and so I only shook my head in disagreement.
“Where is the body?” I whispered.
<
br /> “Ma’am, I’m very sorry, but Mr. Tuscan died in a battle at sea. His body was never recovered.”
No, no, no. I had to see the body; otherwise, I was afraid that I’d never believe it.
“I’m sorry to have to be the one to bring this news to you, but please feel free to call me if I can be of any further assistance.”
I just sat there, with my back straight, staring at the wedding picture hanging on the wall across the room, until they left. And then slowly, I felt my heart shatter into millions of pieces, my lungs collapse, and my soul leave my body. As soon as the door closed, I broke down.
Dear Nicholas,
It can’t be true. I refuse to believe it and I won’t. You promised me you’d be back. You said we’d be a family. Why did you lie? We had your funeral a month ago. We buried some of your clothes, books you liked to read, and the stones you collected at Pebble Beach. It was weird. One good thing about not burying a body is that you still have hope. I still picture you somewhere out in the country, simply lost, and pray each night that one day you’ll find your way back. Any falling star I see, that’s my wish as well. That you’ll be back.
Mackenzie’s doing well. I don’t think she understands what happened, just that her Mommy and the rest of the family are sad. I don’t want to tell her that you’re in heaven. I don’t want to steal her hope, either. Without seeing you in that coffin, I don’t think I’ll ever stop hoping. Please… Nicholas… come back. Come back to our little girl and me. Please…I… I don’t want to do this on my own. I can’t.
Yours always,
Joelle and Mackenzie
This was the first letter of many that I didn’t mail; instead, I kept them in an old shoebox under my bed.
* * *
I hadn’t thought that birthdays would be the most difficult. I mean, who thinks of those things? For Mackenzie’s second birthday, we invited family and closest friends only, including her godparents, Carter and Molly.
This spring had been delayed and we still had snow on the ground. Come to think of it, it had been a very depressing year, but how could it not have been? Nick was gone. Some nights, I had dreams of him coming back home. Other nights, I’d dream that he’d shifted into a Merman and was swimming free in the ocean he passed away in. The only time I got any peace was when I sat on the shore of Pebble Beach. I felt Nick’s presence with me then, not on a spiritual level, but connected, as if he were on the other side of the globe, but still alive. It gave me hope.
“Hey, where do you want the balloons?” Carter asked, bringing me out of my thoughts. Molly took Mackenzie for a walk while we decorated the house for her surprise. She was back only for the weekend, for the birthday. Except that the moment my daughter left, I sat in the corner of a couch and didn’t move. When Mackenzie was not around, I allowed myself to feel the depth of Nick’s passing and what it meant for our family. Those were the times when I pulled open the closet door where his clothes were still hanging, stepped in, and locked the door behind me, losing myself in his scent, pretending he was there with me.
At night, when Mackenzie went to bed, I would go up to the rooftop where we used to watch the night sky. I’d stopped crying, though. At least that was a good thing. But living where he had his entire life was definitely not easy. Every time I turned around, something reminded me of Nick. And it wasn’t that I didn’t want to remember, I did, but being reminded that the love of my life was dead while reading a happy bed time story to my daughter tore me apart.
At some point, I stopped referring to him when I spoke to Mackenzie. Nick’s death didn’t seem to affect her as much, but I thought it was because she had never really known him. All she’d ever know of her father was the empty grave we visited. I, on the other hand, merely lived through the motions of each day, the glimmer of light that was my old life only sparked by my daughter. Without her, I was lost and in torment which was slowly turning into anger at the world around me. I wanted to scream that life wasn’t fair. I wanted to rip apart anything in my hands. I wanted to go drown in that ocean to be with Nick.
“Earth to Jo.” Carter gently tapped my shoulder. “Balloons?”
“Oh, ahm, wherever you put them will be fine.”
Carter crouched in front of me. “Jo, you gotta stop this. It’s been almost a year.”
A year filled with grief, doubt about my future, and constant reminders of Nick, while my memories of him were beginning to blur. I didn’t want them fading; I wanted to keep them intact. I needed to remember the color of the shirt he’d worn at graduation, the length and shape of the scar over his left brow, how his hair felt when I combed my fingers through it, and the way he used to look at me when no one else was paying attention.
“I know. I know. It’s just… you know, maybe we should have had the birthday elsewhere.”
“This is Mackenzie’s home,” he whispered.
“I want to move on, for her at least, but I can’t. Not when everything around here is reminding me of Nick.”
“It will get better.”
“You know, sometimes I feel like part of me died that first time he left me for his training, but I held on to hope, and Nick came back. We were so happy when he came back. I felt complete.”
“Are you still holding onto that hope, Jo?” Carter asked, gently smoothing his hand over my arm, forcing me to join the real world. That would have been fine if the real world was a better place. It used to be. Then I found out that Nick died, and my life had been forever changed.
“The last thing that a human being should lose in life is hope.”
He thought about that for a moment, before nodding. “You’re right, so long as you’re not hurting that beautiful girl of yours.”
“I would never hurt Mackenzie.”
He turned me toward him and wiped a tear off my cheek.
“I know. That’s not what I meant.”
By that time, Molly had returned with Mackenzie. I could hear them laughing out in the front yard. I got up, wiped away my tears, and straightened my dress before turning back to Carter.
“Do you really think I may be hurting her?”
“Not on purpose.”
“Okay. I think I need a change.”
He narrowed his brows but didn’t say anything, because the front door opened. We sang Happy Birthday, gave Mackenzie lots of kisses and hugs, cut her cow cake, and watched her happily open her gifts — many of them with patches of cow patterns, some black and white, some brown and white.
When she tired out and Marge took her upstairs to shower, I quietly left the house to go for a walk that led me all the way to Pebble Beach, the same spot where I’d made love to Nick for the first time.
Moments later, I heard crunching footsteps over the pebbles, but I didn’t turn around. Instead, for that brief moment, I allowed myself to pretend they were Nick’s.
“Jo, you can’t lock all these emotions you’re feeling away. It’s wrong.” Carter sat down beside me.
“It was wrong for Nick to leave me, and he did.” I stood up and walked along the shore, away from Carter.
“Jo, you need to talk to someone.” Of course he followed me.
“Leave me alone, Carter.”
“You need to tell them how hurt you are.”
“I said, just leave me alone!”
“I’m afraid I can’t do that, Jo.”
“Why? Why can’t you just go back to your stupid garage and let me be?”
“Because I made a promise to my best friend that I’d take care of you if something happened. And I’m not going to break that promise.”
I turned around to face him.
“Well, fuck you! And fuck Nick and his empty promises!” I punched his chest with my fist. Although my strike was hard, Carter barely flinched. “He left me! He left us, and I’ll never forgive him for leaving and dying! His daughter will never get to know her father, and I’ll never have the love of my life back!” I was screaming at the top of my lungs, crying big ugly tears, but Carte
r came closer again, so I punched him again. “I told him not to leave, and he still left!”
“Let it out, Jo. Let it all out!”
“Ahh!” I was slapping him so hard, now using both palms onto his full chest, that my hands were beginning to hurt. He finally grasped my wrists and pulled me into his body, holding tight. My violent sobs continued as he slowly lowered us to the ground, cradling me against him, smoothing my hair and kissing the top of my head.
“I’m sorry, Jo. I’m so sorry for your loss, baby.”
“He left me.” My words were quieter. I’d just used all the strength I had to let out the anger, and I didn’t have an ounce of fight left inside me. My whole body was trembling with loss. He rocked me in his arms, never letting go, and whispering, “I’m sorry.”
I don’t know how long we sat like this, but I didn’t want to get up; yet somehow we ended up at Carter’s house. Carter laid me on his couch and covered me with a blanket. He called my father and Marge, and then made me tea.
“I don’t want to go back to that house.” I sighed. “It hurts too much. Everything reminds me of Nick.”
“You can stay here for as long as you want. Both you and Mackenzie.”
“Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.”
“I know you know what it feels like to lose someone you love,” I whispered.
“I do.”
“But with Nick, it was just different. He was my life.”
“I know, Jo. I know. You feel like no one understands what you’re going through. You feel lost. You don’t want to live.”
My head flew up, for the first time in a year finding understanding in someone else’s eyes.
“But you survived.”
“I did, and so will you. I’ll make sure you’ll survive because that’s who you are. You’re a survivor, and you have a beautiful girl waiting at home for you.”
I smiled. Mackenzie was beautiful. Marge said that she was a mini me.
