Yours and Mine (Friends with Benefits)

by Lacey Silks

  “I ran into him by the store,” I started. “And then I sort of forgot about the groceries.” I felt my cheeks heat with the foolishness of the situation. What was coming over me?

  “You’ll figure it all out, Jo. You know, I’ve never seen love as strong as the one the two of you have.”

  “Have?”

  “I wouldn’t expect you not to love Nick, just like I know I would love Daisy if she came back.”

  “Carter, I’m so sorry. I know it must feel unfair.”

  “Don’t be sorry. Be grateful because Mackenzie will get to know her father.”

  “What would you do if you were me? I’m so confused.”

  He sighed and finally looked up from the floor to meet my gaze. “Jo, I know you still love him, and he obviously loves you. It will take time, but you gotta give him a chance. My only worry is that… well, what if he decides he wants another adventure? What if they call on him again? And he may say they won’t, but how do you know that? Imagine telling that little girl upstairs that the father she thought was dead her entire life and just met has to go away again, and you can’t tell her if or when he’ll come back. Can you picture Mackenzie opening that front door to receive the flag?”

  My heart almost stopped. He was right. How could I have let my heart be fluttering with possibilities of a reunion when there was way more to consider? This wouldn’t be an easy decision, no matter how much I loved Nick.

  “I just don’t want to see you hurt again,” he added.

  I sat on the couch beside Carter, hugging him. “I couldn’t have gone through the past five years without you. You mean so much to Mackenzie and me. I know we’re just friends, but I do love you, Carter—”

  “I love you too, Cupcake, but I also know that you love Nick. You never stopped loving him, and I would never expect you to. Whatever happens, know that I’ll still be here. After all, I am an uncle.” He grinned. “And you were there for me too. If it weren’t for you, I’m pretty sure I couldn’t have pulled through after Daisy died. No one’s pressuring you to do anything. I’m a grown man. I will support any decision you make, but whatever that is, I promise that I will not let you out of my life.”

  I threw my arms around his neck again, squeezing harder. How did he always know the right thing to say?

  “Take your time, Jo, with whatever it is that you need to work out. Also, you should tell him about Mac.”

  “I know. I told him to meet me at Pebble Beach tomorrow after work.”

  “That’s good. And Jo, I know he’s my best friend, your first love, and Mac’s father, but that won’t stop me from protecting the two of you.”

  “I wouldn’t expect anything less, Carter.”

  “Good. Now, what do you say we watch a movie?” He flicked the channel before I got a chance to answer him. It was a comedy, or maybe a superhero movie. I don’t quite remember, because all I could think about was the new man in town who had never left my heart.

  * * *

  The next morning, when I stepped into the bakery, I could tell the atmosphere had shifted. As soon as I laid my eyes on Marge, I knew that she knew. I ran to her, hugging her tightly.

  “I found out yesterday,” I said.

  “He came last night,” Marge confirmed. “I wanted him to stay, but he wouldn’t. He lives there now.” She pointed to the back of the bakery. Even though there was a wall there, I knew she meant the barn Nick had renovated beyond the field.

  “I can’t believe this is actually happening.” I felt Marge’s tears on my shoulder.

  “And I can’t believe he’s been so close for six months and didn’t say anything.”

  My father came up from behind, smoothing his hand over Marge’s shoulder, while using his other hand to pull a stool closer to her. She sat down and I joined her. “Nick is a good man. The situation is complicated for everyone, but I’m certain Nick would have never hurt you, or hurt any of us, intentionally.”

  “He thinks I’m with Carter, and I’m pretty sure he thinks that Mackenzie is Carter’s.”

  Thank God my daughter had stayed at home with Carter. I couldn’t have had this conversation in front of her.

  “What if he leaves us again? I’m not going to put Mackenzie through potentially losing her father. I don’t know what to do.”

  “One way or another, he has the right to know,” my father said.

  “I know, I know.” I lowered my head into my hands, shaking it. I should have been happy, but instead, I was so terrified of losing him again, I wasn’t willing to even try to reconcile. I didn’t want to give him another chance because if I did, I’d hang on to it like it was the only lifeline I had left.

  “Joelle, honey. Do you love him?” Marge smoothed her hand over my cheek.

  “Of course I do. I never stopped loving him. I’ll love him for the rest of my life.”

  She smiled at my answer before exhaling. Was she hoping for that answer? As a mother, I knew she’d always hoped that her son would have a complete family. It seemed like we had all the ingredients: hope, fear, will, love; all that was missing was a guaranteed future of Nick staying in town.

  But I did trust Nick. On some level, I always had. He would never have hurt us on purpose. He would have been here after those first two years, if he could.

  “Then talk to him. Jo, this could be the chance you’ve been praying for.”

  I’d wished for Nick’s return on every falling star I saw, even when I thought he was gone. Marge’s words… a chance… they stuck with me until it was time to meet Nick at the beach.

  * * *

  I was sitting on Pebble Beach watching Mackenzie skip stones when I heard his footsteps crunch behind me. I didn’t have to turn to know it was him; I felt him before the first sound of rolling pebbles reached me. He sat down beside me. While I wished he wasn’t this close to me, because it was difficult to think, I was grateful that he was. It only confirmed that this wasn’t a dream.

  “I saw Carter by the car,” he said.

  “Yeah, he’s pretty protective. He thinks you’ll leave again.”

  “I won’t.”

  “You’ve said that before.”

  “This time I won’t.”

  My heart raced. I tried to steady my breath, but inhaling him was a mistake. Instead, I tried to focus on what mattered: Mackenzie. As if reading my thoughts, he said, “She’s good at skipping stones. Just like her mother.”

  “We’ve been coming here since she was born. It’s peaceful, and it reminded me of you. I always thought this was our special place.”

  “I remember every minute. And it was a special place to me as well.”

  Mackenzie kept busy searching for flat stones, picking and choosing between them. She’d kept Nick’s in her pocket ever since she found it on the porch.

  “How old is she?” Nick asked.

  “Five. She was born nine months after you left.”

  I turned to the side and watched his face react in slow motion as he probably double-checked the math in his mind. The truth was slowly seeping into his mind. He blinked once, then again, slightly shaking his head.

  “Wait, I thought she was Carter’s.”

  “She does look a little young for her age.” I shrugged.

  I heard him swallow through his throat.

  “Dammit, Jo, are you telling me that this beautiful” – His voice broke in between the words, as emotions rolled over him – “this beautiful girl is my daughter?”

  “Yes, Nick. She’s yours and mine.”

  “How? I mean, I know how… is this really true?” He wiped away the first few tears that fell down his cheeks. I never thought I’d see Nick cry.

  “I wouldn’t lie about something like this, but I’m afraid to tell her about you. She’s only known you from a few graduation pictures, and if you leave—”

  “— not in this lifetime, Jo. Not ever,” he whispered. “I won’t ever abandon you again. Either one of you.”

  Unfortunately the emotional trau
ma of losing Nick forced me to keep my guard up. I wouldn’t allow Mackenzie to go through that pain.

  “You didn’t abandon me. You didn’t know. Nick, I want her to know you, but I’m not sure how to do it. I don’t know how to tell her that the father she thought was dead is here. I don’t know how to protect her if you—”

  “—I won’t leave,” he repeated.

  As if sensing me, Mackenzie turned around. She leaned her head to the side a little, taking in the scene of Nick and me sitting together. There was a moment of recognition on her face, but it passed — or at least I thought it did. She let go of the stones she’d been holding in her tiny fist. They tumbled to the ground and she ran toward me, nearly tripping. I shot to my feet and moved toward her as fast as I could, stopping her. I crouched down to the ground before she got too close and recognized him on her own, although with that beard, I doubted she could.

  “Are you done stone skipping?”

  “Mommy, who is that?” she whispered, looking over my shoulder, captivated by Nick and completely ignoring my question.

  “Why don’t you come over and say hello?”

  She took my hand and, hiding halfway behind my body, walked with me toward him. Nick didn’t get up, which was probably better because his sheer size could have scared her. He was a stranger to Mackenzie, and strangers weren’t frequent in Hope Bay.

  What if his beard scares her?

  “Hi Mackenzie,” he said.

  “Hi.” She stepped out from behind me a little.

  “You’re good at stone skipping.”

  “Mommy’s better. And my daddy was even better than her. Mommy says I’ve got his strong arm. Are you from Hope Bay?”

  “Yes.”

  “Why didn’t I see you here before?”

  “I’ve been away for a while and just moved back.”

  “Are you my daddy?”

  What?!

  I looked to Nick, then back to Mackenzie. Nick’s gaze connected with mine, his eyes searching mine for the answer he should give her, but he didn’t even have to. She threw her tiny hands around his neck before either one of us confirmed speculation. “I knew it! I knew you’d be back because I told Tank a secret and he mooed and I knew he told me you’d be back because I wished on every single falling star my whole entire life that you’d come and you did, Daddy!”

  My heart split open when I heard her call Nick Daddy.

  She was squeezing him so tightly, I thought he’d choke. And Nick, well, now he was crying like a baby and so was I. He was actually sobbing. When Mackenzie let him go, she asked, “Why are you crying?”

  “These are happy tears, baby. I’m happy that I get to finally meet you.”

  She grasped his face between her small hands, then closed in and kissed him on his forehead. “I’m happy that I get to meet you too, but you look like a bushman.” She lowered her hands and tugged on his beard, then looked behind Nick and screamed, “Uncle Carter, Daddy’s here!”

  She pulled out of Nick’s embrace and ran to Carter, jumping up into his arms.

  I saw a pinch of guilt and jealousy run over Nick’s face.

  “It will take time for her to adjust to the idea of another man in her life,” I said, secretly wondering whether I was talking about Mackenzie or myself.

  “Will you allow me to spend time with her?”

  “Of course. She’s your daughter.”

  “My daughter…” Nick appeared dazed, as fatherhood was beginning to hit him. Carter set Mackenzie down, but she held on to his hand.

  “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to interrupt, but Mackenzie’s bedtime is soon.”

  “Uncle Carter?”

  “I earned that title when I delivered her,” Carter said with pride, catching Nick off guard. The moment only confirmed to me how much Nick had missed, and I wondered whether we could truly catch up on the past five years of our lives. The sun dipped beyond the horizon and I got up off the ground.

  “We should go,” I said.

  “Will Daddy come?” she asked.

  “Not today sweetheart, but soon. Maybe Sunday?”

  “I love Sundays. Daddy, will you come to our family dinner?”

  Nick looked from me to Carter, then back to me, a little confused as to what the appropriate answer should be. Since Mackenzie had taken to him so quickly, I nodded gently. After all, I wanted Nick in her life, didn’t I?

  “I would love to.”

  “This will be the best dinner ever. Uncle Carter, we have to barbecue. But no Tank meat.”

  “She means no beef,” I whispered to Nick. “Mackenzie says it hurts Betsy’s and Tank’s feelings.”

  “Anything you wish,” Carter replied.

  That was how easily Mackenzie warmed up to Nick. To her, it was as if he had always been part of her life. Never gone and never forgotten. Could I make that leap as easily as she had? I wanted to – I really wanted to – but five years was a long time for relationship dynamics to shift, and my biggest fear was that ours had changed forever.

  “Do you girls mind if I have a word with Nick?” Carter asked.

  I stepped back, a little surprised at Carter’s tone, but nodded and took Mackenzie back to the car. She showed me the new stones she’d collected, but when I heard Carter and Nick’s voices rise, I asked her to wait for me and went back to the beach. I could hear their argument long before they came into view.

  “You don’t know that, Carter. I couldn’t let them think that I was dead forever.”

  “All I know is that we were happy. We were finally settling down and could have been a happy family. And now you’re coming back and confusing them both!”

  “She would never be happy with you, and you know it. No matter what may have happened between you two, she loves me. She always has and always will.”

  “Ha!” Carter laughed and motioned me closer when he saw me. “Come on, Jo! Tell him. Who’s the first boy you ever kissed?”

  Oh, my God! This wasn’t really happening to me, was it? Why were they arguing now? And what kind of a question was that? They were both my firsts. Carter was a first first, but Nick was my first adult kiss. How was I supposed to explain to them that each one meant something different to me? Wait, why was I supposed to explain anything?

  “Jo?” Nick asked, confusion shadowing his face.

  “You can see it in her eyes, can’t you? She could have moved on without you, and you know it.”

  “Stop it! Just stop it both of you!” I cried out, then pointed back to the car. “There’s a little girl in that car who’s hoping to have a nice dinner with her uncle and her father this weekend, and I swear that if you two can’t behave like adults, there will be no dinner for anyone. Do. You. Understand?”

  They each nodded.

  “Shit happens in life. It doesn’t matter who I kissed first, second, or third.” Although there’d never been a third. “What matters is that we can figure out this second chance we’ve been given in a calm manner that does not scare the living crap out of me or Mackenzie.”

  “I’m sorry, Cupcake.” Carter lowered his head. “I’m just afraid that he’ll leave again. I don’t want you hurting. I want you happy.”

  “And I love you for the way you’ve always cared for us both. I always will, Carter, but no matter what Nick’s plans are for the future, I cannot deny Mackenzie her father.” I took his hand into mine. “We’ll figure it out. If there’s anyone I can do this with, it’s you.”

  Nick shifted uncomfortably from one foot to another, doubt filling his eyes. I didn’t have the time or nerve to explain the inner workings of mine and Carter’s relationship at this moment, and I felt bad for allowing him to think that we were together, but I saw Mackenzie approach from behind the hill.

  That conversation will have to wait.

  “We’ll see you on Sunday?” I asked.

  “Yes, I’ll be there.”

  “Good.”

  As I headed toward Mackenzie and saw her wave at Nick, calling out, “Bye
, Daddy,” my heart skipped a beat. If there was anyone who had the right idea about reuniting, it was my little girl.

  Chapter 28

  Saturday afternoon I knocked on the wooden door to Nick’s barn, thinking that I should stop referring to his house as a ‘barn’ in my head. It had been two days since I’d last seen him at the beach, and Mackenzie wouldn’t stop talking about him. When she found out where he lived, she kept peeking into the back yard behind her grandparents’ house. In fact, she packed a little suitcase with some of her clothes so that she could one day have a sleepover at Daddy’s house. For me, the past two nights had been restless. I tossed and turned. My mind wandered through all the times we’d spent together. And once I was done with those, my imagination spiraled into new possibilities. My body ached for him. I craved his touch, wondering whether he’d be as gentle as he was five years ago, or maybe a little rougher. A much more intimate reunion with Nick was definitely at the forefront of my thoughts all night and all day.

  Standing on the glassed in front porch, I secretly knew exactly why I came here. It was the hormones. The stupid twirling in my stomach that wouldn’t stop combined with my drenched panties that I had to throw into the laundry each morning. It was the way Nick had looked at me by the general store and when I first saw him last week. That sinful new body of his drew me in as I wondered whether his skin would feel the same underneath my palms. He still made my heart go pitter-patter, forcing me to tense in the most delectable ways. My nerves trembled through my limbs as I shifted from one foot to another, wondering whether it was stupid of me to wear a matching set of undergarments. What was I thinking?

  I wasn’t. Today, my body was doing the thinking for me, fighting to claim what it had been denied for five long years. It didn’t matter how many times I told myself that I had to take it slow. My hormones let out a mocking laugh and pushed my feet forward until I ended up here.

  He opened the front door. Dressed in ripped jeans and a washed-out shirt, so unlike the Nick I knew, he leaned against the doorframe with a crooked smile on his face. The confidence in his eyes shook me awake and twirled a new wave of need through my body. Was he expecting me? There was no surprise on his face, only a spark of desire in his eyes, mixed with the look of a man who’d just gotten what he wanted.