by Mona Kasten
It almost seemed like he was trying to find the point where I’d stop him. But I wasn’t going to. He slid his hands under the elastic of my panties and pulled them down. I was burning for his touch.
“I’m still waiting for you to say ‘no,’” he gasped, and grasped my thighs from behind.
“I’m standing here naked and you think I’m going to pull back?” I stroked his arms and shoulders, wanting to feel all of him, wanting to take the heat from his skin into my own body.
“I know what I said, but I want you to know that you can stop me, okay” he said. “We can stop any time…”
I leaned over and pressed my lips against his. At the same time, I reached for his belt and opened the buckle.
“That’s a good answer,” he murmured into my mouth. He stood up and I helped him remove his jeans.
The rustling sound as they fell to the floor sent an excited tingling through my body. I slid my hands around his hips and pulled him close. His laughter made me tremble and was so contagious that it made me laugh, too. God in heaven, why did all this make me so happy?
Again, Spencer lifted me effortlessly and laid me down on the bed. His arms encircled me; his outspread fingers were against my back and he pressed me firmly against his body. I could feel his erection through the thin material of his boxer shorts and rolled my hips against him. A guttural moan escaped his lips.
“Do that again,” he said, roughly.
Instinctively I pushed against him once more, finding exactly the right spot to increase the fluttering sensation in my belly. He felt so good. Everything about him.
He suddenly dropped his head and crashed his mouth to mine. Our teeth met and our tongues danced together. I let my hands wander over his body, feeling his muscles and clinging to him. I pressed into him and returned everything he gave me. It was wonderful but still not enough.
Feverishly, I reached down and grasped his hardness through his boxers. Spencer hissed as he drew in a breath and pressed his forehead against mine. Letting my hand slide down his shaft, I took in his dreamy expression. Softly, I worked my fingers under the waistband of his boxers and pushed them down. He breathed out audibly and rolled away from me so he could remove them more easily. Then he turned and opened the drawer of his nightstand. Stroking his back, I heard the rustling of a wrapper in his hands. He rolled back to face me again. His weight pressed me gently into the soft mattress as he positioned himself above me. He looked down at me, drawing his fingers through my hair and brushing a few strands from my forehead.
“Is everything okay?”
I kissed him gently. “Better than okay.”
He laughed and warmth washed over me.
My pulse racing, I reached down and held him, guiding him between my legs and pushing him toward my center.
Never looking away from my eyes, Spencer entered me. His gaze was burning but his movements were slow and deliberate, almost cautious. He was big, and it took a moment before I could breathe again. It was as if he could read and understand every movement of my body, because only after I took another breath did he push deeper. Once he was in me, up to the hilt, he stayed there, still, for a moment. He let out his breath slowly, haltingly.
He rocked his hips gently and let out a low groan. Burying his face in my shoulder, he licked my neck and lightly bit my skin. My heels dug into the mattress and my pelvis arched upward. The movement caused him to brush something inside me and I gasped.
I was tingling all over and an enormous energy was building inside me. He felt so good. So good.
“I knew it,” whispered Spencer suddenly. He propped himself up on one arm and looked into my eyes. As he pulled partway out of me I immediately missed the feeling of his filling me completely.
“What?” I whispered, my hands wandering up his back until I reached his shoulders. I pressed my fingers hard against him, wanting to feel him close again.
Spencer pushed back into me, this time more forcefully. I moaned and leaned my head back.
“That we would be fantastic together,” I heard him say. He pressed his lips briefly against my throat. “You and I.”
Hearing him say this with such confidence made me lose what little restraint I had left. I wrapped one leg over him and, with a hand in his hair, pulled him down to me. My lips caught his moan, and I arched toward each thrust, pulling him even deeper inside.
My hands slipped from his shoulders to his chest before I dug my fingers into his arms. His muscles twitched under my touch and he thrust even harder.
I gasped. “God, Spence.”
As I groaned his name his movements became urgent and his breath irregular. I stretched myself against him and kissed his throat.
It hadn’t been clear to me before how much I’d longed for this. But now it couldn’t be denied. I wanted Spencer with a force that took my breath away. And even though he was inside me and holding me tight, it still wasn’t enough.
I clutched at his back as he bit my shoulder. Whimpering, I let my hands slide down his back. I felt hungry and uninhibited, and I’d never felt so good. Something enormous was rising in me.
My back arched and my breasts pressed against Spencer’s body. His deep groan filled the room; his pounding grew faster and his next kiss was fierce and wild. His loss of control was beyond any of my fantasies. I clung to him as everything around me dissolved. I melted and the world blurred in a rush of colors.
“Dawn. Dawn.”
He said my name like a prayer as he thrust deeply into me. I held him tightly as he shuddered. One last time his hips ground into mine; then he sank onto my breast.
Our racing heartbeats blended together—it was hard to tell them apart. Actually, everything was blurry. My brain was submerged in a fog.
“Wow,” I whispered. I stroked Spencer’s naked back, writing our names on his sweaty skin.
He finally propped himself up on his elbows and looked down at me. His cheeks were flushed and his lips swollen. He looked even better than before, if that were at all possible.
“We should’ve done that a long time ago,” he said, and the corners of his mouth turned upward.
“Maybe you’re right.” I gently touched his lower lip. When I looked up, his blue eyes had already darkened again.
“I should probably just stay here so we don’t waste any more time,” he whispered gruffly, moving his hips slightly.
The sound that escaped me was a mixture of laughter and moaning. Although I would’ve liked nothing better than to wrap my legs around him and pull him close again, I pushed gently against his chest. “Go on.”
“I’ll be right back,” he said and sat up. “Stay where you are.” But he didn’t show any signs of going anywhere. Instead, he let his eyes caress my naked body until heat started rising in me again. “Oh man,” he murmured.
Quickly I wrapped myself in the blanket. But Spencer kept staring at me.
“Go toss that condom, Spence.”
He laughed—a warm laugh that sent a pleasant shiver down my spine and caused a flutter in my belly. Who would’ve thought we could be so uninhibited together?
He turned and I watched his butt bounce as he ran to the bathroom. Soon he was back and I welcomed him under the blanket. We lay close together. Naked, sweaty, and alive.
“You made me pretty happy tonight,” he said.
“I knew my vagina was good for something.”
He grinned. “You have a fantastic vagina but that’s not what I meant.”
I moved closer, to feel his warmth. “I know.”
“Thanks.” He kissed my forehead. “Sleep well, Baby.”
With these words he brought me back to reality.
Chapter 19
It was early morning when I tiptoed downstairs and gathered my things. My hands were shaking as I pulled my shirt on. I felt awful. My stomach was in a knot, my limbs we
re heavy and felt somehow foreign.
What had happened between Spencer and me had been beautiful. No doubt about it.
Sleep well, Baby.
What a cruel joke that those three words were enough to undo me. One glance at my inner thighs was enough to trigger a wave of nausea. What an idiot I was to believe I could ever leave my past behind.
Sleep well, Baby.
Why? Why did he have to use the same three words that Nate had said every night in bed? Why had Spencer’s kiss on my forehead sent me tumbling straight back into the past?
Spencer could hardly know what he’d triggered in me. And yet he’d shaken me to my core.
He wanted a relationship, a serious one. But that was the last thing I wanted. To fall asleep in his arms, spending the night next to him and waking up together—it was more than my mind could handle. It was too much. And I couldn’t handle the pressure.
I had tricked myself. Because no matter how beautiful last night had been, I couldn’t give him what he wanted. In fact, I planned on never having another relationship again. The fear of getting hurt was just too great. No way was I going to set myself up for that—for the feeling that I couldn’t exist without someone, that someone would have the power to destroy me. That’s exactly what Nate had done.
I found my bag on the kitchen counter and then ran to the closet. Hurriedly I pulled on my shoes, threw my scarf around my neck and put my jacket on without zipping it. I just wanted to go home. Walking toward the door—I froze.
Spencer.
He was leaning next to the front door, arms crossed.
“What the hell, Dawn?”
A lump formed in my throat. I kept swallowing but it just got bigger.
“I’m sorry,” I finally announced and moved toward the door.
Spencer stepped in my way and forced me to look up at him. “Why?” he asked quietly.
A cold sweat broke out on my neck and my stomach twisted. I started digging my fingernails into my palms. I needed to feel that stinging on my skin, had to concentrate on it—not on the burning behind my eyes.
“Sorry you were about to sneak out right after we slept together?” Spencer continued. “Or maybe that you’re treating me like I’m a cheap, one-night stand?”
I looked down at my shoes. Everything was blurry.
“Please, just let me go,” I blurted out.
“Baby, look at me.”
I shook my head and squeezed my eyes shut. Even when he took my chin in his hand and tilted my head back, they stayed closed. I was too ashamed to look him in the eye.
His palm caressed my cheek. I kept hoping the floor would open up and swallow me at any second. My eyes were burning, everything in me hurt, and I could hardly breathe because I was trying so hard not to cry.
“Dawn, it’s me. You can talk to me. If you want to go home, just tell me and I’ll drive you. Just like always. We don’t have to be this way: You didn’t go home with some random guy. You went home with me.”
My hands flew to my face and I sobbed.
Without saying another word, Spencer pulled me close. Ignoring my protests, he wrapped his arms around me. In spite of myself, I fell apart. Hot tears ran down my cheeks and landed on his bare chest.
For months I hadn’t really cried. Now I couldn’t stop. It sounded like I had an incurable case of the hiccups and my nose was running, which was unfortunate considering that Spencer was holding me and wearing only his boxers. His chest was wet with my tears and snot but he didn’t seem to care: He just held me tight and rubbed my back. His arms were strong; it felt like he was putting back together what had broken apart. Eventually he picked me up and carried me into the living room, softly dropping me into my favorite corner of his sofa. He disappeared briefly into the kitchen, returning a moment later with a box of tissues and a glass of water.
“If you lose that much fluid, you have to drink,” he said, sitting next to me.
Grabbing some tissues, I wiped at my eyes and blew my nose. For God’s sake, when would these tears stop? I felt like a leaky faucet.
Spencer handed me the glass of water and waited until I’d taken a few sips before taking it back and setting it down. Then he went over to the other end of the couch, grabbed a wool blanket and spread it out over me. How could he be so nice to me after I tried to sneak off without even saying goodbye? It made me cry even more. Even though I didn’t want to. It seemed to take forever for me to calm down.
“Do you still want to go home?” Spencer finally asked, twirling the fringe of the blanket in his fingers. I looked up at him and shook my head. He smiled, cautiously. He still looked worried, but relieved I wasn’t planning to leave him just yet.
For a while we just looked at each other and I began to realize that I’d been acting foolish. This was Spencer. My Spencer! I didn’t need to run from him just because he’d said something that Nate used to say. Spencer wasn’t Nate.
I was always asking him to talk about his family’s problems, but at the same time I wasn’t telling him what was bothering me. I had to be honest. He deserved the truth.
“You called me ‘Baby.’” My nasal, stuffed-up voice would have sent anyone else running, but Spencer was just watching me patiently, waiting for me to continue.
“Nate… Nate always called me that, and kissed my forehead before we closed our eyes.”
Now Spencer’s eyes grew darker. “Sweetheart…”
“I know you’re not Nate. I know. But still… he hurt me so badly that something inside me broke. I’m not just saying it. It’s the truth.” I grabbed another tissue and pressed it against my nose.
“You never told me what exactly happened between you,” he said after a pause.
“Not even Allie knows the whole story.”
“Why not?”
I shrugged. “Because it’s not a nice story. I wanted to leave it behind me.”
“That doesn’t work if you bury it all deep inside you,” he said, leaning his head against the back of the sofa and looking up at the ceiling. “The past has a way of hanging around until you deal with it.”
“You’re very wise, Spence.”
He tilted his head to the side so he could look at me. “I was hoping that would get you to talk to me.”
“We’re both losers when it comes to talking about our feelings.”
“There’s still hope.”
I picked at my cuticles before finally leaning my head on the sofa as well, mirroring his position. Looking into his eyes, there was nothing more separating us—not what we had done together, not the fact that I was still terrified of getting involved. We were just two friends, alone, together, where no one was guilty.
“We were married.” There, I’d said the three words that not a single friend in Woodshill had heard from me.
“We got married six months after graduation. It was a little party with our relatives and a handful of friends.”
Spencer’s fingers reached for the blanket fringe close to me. It almost seemed like an invitation.
“We saved money for a house and started planning a family right away. Nate got a good job at his stepmother’s company, so we started… trying to get pregnant. Going to college was not part of my plan at the time. Can you believe it?” I asked, shaking my head. “My plan was already to make a living from writing; I was going to give up my job in Dad’s workshop as soon as I could earn some money with my stories. We’d been together since we were 13. Marry young, have kids young. That had always been our dream. It’s hard to picture it now, but back then… I was so happy. Everything was going just the way I’d hoped it would.” I bit the inside of my cheek and wiped the tears from my eyes. “We went on a weeklong honeymoon, and right after that I went camping with my dad. The weeks before the wedding were so busy, thanks to all the preparations and then the move to our first apartment. There was no time to b
e with my dad, so we wanted to fully enjoy our camping trip. But then the weather turned bad. So we came home three days early. Dad brought me home. It was early evening, raining cats and dogs; I’ll never forget it. I walked into our apartment, hauling my bag, and that’s when I heard it: a loud scream coming from our bedroom. My cell phone was already in my hand, and I was about to call the police when the screams turned into moans. I remember walking toward the bedroom door, slowly opening it and seeing him on the bed. With another woman. Naked. He was…” I tried to blink the images away. “He was fucking her. Our neighbor. In our bed. Three weeks after our wedding. While we were trying to start a family.”
“Goddammit,” Spencer blurted out. His hand tightened to a fist on the blanket, his knuckles white.
“They didn’t notice me,” I continued softly, rubbing my chest. “I couldn’t move; I don’t think I even blinked. Months later, the scene still repeated itself like a movie in my brain. You can’t imagine how horrible it all was. I was trapped in my body as if paralyzed, watching them screwing. She… she was so unbearably loud that he covered her mouth when she came.”
Spencer let loose a flood of curses.
“By then, I had to throw up. I ran into the bathroom, and Nate found me gagging over the toilet. He was naked, and I just couldn’t stop puking,” I whispered. “He sent Rebecca home and changed the sheets. When I came back into the room, he was just sitting there. I was so mad, Spence, that I… started hitting him.”
“He deserved much worse than a beating,” he growled.
“No, you don’t get it. I beat him so badly that I split his lip open. If he hadn’t stopped me I might have…” I pressed my lips together and fell silent.
Spencer inched his hands toward my lap. Again I ignored his invitation. It didn’t feel right to touch him now.
“Nate told me that the thing with Rebecca had been going on for a few months. I was almost sick again because we… we’d still been…” My arms flopped in the air.
Spencer breathed in sharply.
“My first worry was whether I’d gotten a sexually transmitted disease from them. And then I worried about possibly being pregnant, since I was feeling so nauseated.” A bitter laugh escaped me. “When I asked him why he had done it, when our relationship was so happy, he just shrugged. He had no answer for me. And that was it. Six years, a marriage, and my plan for my life. Everything destroyed within a few hours.” Tears were streaming down my cheeks again.
