“She wants casual. She wants a fling. We agreed to that. She hasn’t really been involved with anyone since her husband died, and she sort of sees me as a safe way to have some fun without it getting too serious.”
“Why does she think that?”
“Seriously? Look at me. I’m the poster boy for having a good time with no strings attached.”
“Okay, wow. Thinking a little highly of yourself there, aren’t you?”
“I didn’t mean it like it’s a good thing,” I said, feeling more than a little exhausted with this conversation. Why couldn’t Levi or Seb been available? “Let’s just say that I’m not the white picket fence type of guy. I never wanted to be. Having fun, flirting? That’s me.”
“Obviously it’s not anymore, or we wouldn’t be having this fucking stupid conversation.”
That was it. Cole didn’t understand. Hell, I’m not even sure that I understood what I was feeling. “You know what? Forget that I called. It’s nothing. I’ll handle it.”
“All right, all right. Get your panties out of their knot.”
“They’re not…”
“So you admit that you wear panties,” Cole said and then burst out laughing.
It was hard not to join in. “I can’t wait until you hit puberty,” I said after a minute. “You’re an ass.”
“Yeah, but right now I’m the only ass available to talk you down from the ledge.”
“I’m not on the ledge.” Much. “I just needed to bounce these thoughts off someone. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how much longer I’m going to be on this case or how much time I have with Kristin. I’m afraid that I’m going to come on too strong and scare her off or that I’ll do something stupid with the kid and ruin everything.”
“It seems to me like you’ve bonded with the kid. From everything you’ve told me, Lily has your back.”
I couldn’t help but smile. Lily had actually been a lifesaver in the classroom. Not just with Jessileigh, but with me too. Whenever I was struggling with keeping things on task or trying to remember where we were supposed to be and when, Lily was there to offer her two cents and her input. I resented it at first, and then I realized what an asset she was.
Besides being a great kid.
“She does,” I finally said. “But…it’s a big responsibility—you know, it’s not like I’d just be dating Kristin. If things didn’t work out, I’d have invested time in a relationship with Lily too. The kid’s already lost her father. I’m not sure how she’d react to having another man disappear from her life.”
“Shit. I hadn’t really thought of it like that.” He paused. “And tell me again why you can’t just keep it casual with the mom?”
“Because I don’t want to. I’m not digging the late-night booty calls or sex in a supply closet thing anymore. Actually, I’m feeling a bit…used.”
A hearty laugh escaped from Cole’s mouth and I wanted to strangle him. “Dude, you did not just say that! You’re feeling used? You?”
“Can you just be serious? For a fucking minute?” I yelled. “Damn it! I’m really struggling here, and you laughing at me isn’t helping at all!”
Cole instantly sobered. “Okay, you want help? Here it is. You’re moving pretty fast here. You’re not used to not being in control in a relationship. Even in your most casual of hookups, you called the shots. It seems to me like you’re spending a lot of time waiting on Kristin and taking your cues from her. And unfortunately, that’s what you’re going to have to continue to do. You don’t want to mess up her life or Lily’s. If you want to know where you stand? You’re going to have to talk to her. Instead of getting naked with her next time. Talk to her. Get to know here a little more and feel her out—not up.” He chuckled. “Sorry. Last time, I promise.”
I sighed. “You’re right. This is foreign territory to me and I guess I’m not used to having to be patient—or take my cue from anyone else. I just wish it wasn’t so…complicated.”
“Well, it is. Just talk to her. Make the time to actually talk to her so maybe she doesn’t feel like she’s just a fling or booty call to you.”
“Okay, can you stop saying booty call? It just sounds…wrong.”
Cole chuckled. “You are so screwed.”
I gave a mirthless laugh. “Yeah. I know.
***
The next two days at school were hectic. We had to spend a lot more time working on the Christmas pageant, and thankfully, Chuck took pity on me and had one of the music teacher assistants, come and work with my class instead of me doing it. Don’t get me wrong, I still had to be there and do some stuff on my own with the kids, but the majority of the preparations were done by the music teacher.
Dodged that bullet.
I hardly saw Kristin. She seemed a little more distracted than usual, and whenever I got within a few feet of her, there was always someone close by who needed her attention.
I needed her attention, dammit.
Lily must have noticed because she came up to me with a big smile on her face. “What’s up, Lil?” I asked. I probably shouldn’t have been so informal with her, but it just slipped out.
“You’re smiling at my mom,” she said, almost singing the statement.
“What? No. No, I’m not.” Maybe I was being a little defensive.
“It’s okay,” she said lightly as she started to hop from one foot to the other. If anything, her smile seemed to grow. “She smiles when she watches you too.”
“What do you…” But the kid had skipped off. Was I desperate enough that I was going to ask a six year old for relationship advice?
Maybe.
By the time I looked back across the room, Kristin and her class were walking out of the auditorium. She looked back and our eyes met, and all I wanted to do was walk over to her and kiss her and just ask how her day was going.
To quote Cole, I was so screwed.
***
I had the kids lined up at the end of the day like I always did, with me and Jess at the back of the line. The first bell rang and my little bus riders walked out of the room playing follow the leader out and down the hall. We waited quietly for the second bell for the carpool kids.
I felt uneasy. It wasn’t something I could pinpoint and put my finger on, but it was like that sixth-sense you get when you know something’s going to happen. The last time I remember feeling that way was that fateful day in the dessert.
The day we lost Gavin.
I had been distracted by the feeling, but I wasn’t going to let that happen today. Reaching down, I took Jessileigh’s hand in mine. She looked up at me, her eyes huge, and it was as if she sensed something too. Doing my best to relax and reassure her that everything was fine, I smiled. “Any plans for after school today, Jess?” I asked.
She had finally relaxed with me calling her that. “Daddy said that we were going to go horseback riding if it wasn’t too cold.”
I chuckled. The kid was bundled up in a hat, coat, scarf and mittens. Chances were there wasn’t going to be riding of any kind today. “And what if it is too cold? What’s the plan after that?”
She shrugged. “Hot chocolate and coloring.”
“That sounds like a great way to spend the afternoon, if you ask me,” I said.
“Really? You like coloring?”
I nodded my head. “And hot chocolate. It’s one of my favorite winter drinks.” I couldn’t help but keep grinning at the look on her face. She seemed very pleased by my response. “I especially like it with the little marshmallows.”
“Me too!” she exclaimed, her entire face lighting up.
“Well, that’s because you’re very smart,” I said.
“Mr. Curtis?” she asked shyly.
“Yeah?”
“Do you…do you think that maybe we can have hot chocolate at our Christmas party?”
It wasn’t quite the question I was expecting. “Of course. I’m sure we can ask one of the moms to make it for us.” Then I noticed that some of the bri
ghtness left her angelic face. “What? What’s the matter, Jess?”
She shook her head at first, but I crouched down beside her until she looked at me. “Sometimes…sometimes I wish that my mom was like the other moms.”
I felt like I had been kicked in the gut. The kid didn’t often talk about her family stuff—particularly her mom—but it was clear that it bothers her. “You know, not all moms are alike,” I began diplomatically. “Some moms are great at baking while others don’t even know how. My mom used to make the best spaghetti and meatballs, but she always burned the cookies.”
“Really?” she asked, her eyes going wide again.
I nodded. “Really.”
“But…did she come to your Christmas pageants?”
I shook my head. “We didn’t really have those when I was in school. My mom worked a lot when I was your age, and so she didn’t always get to come to my school stuff. My dad came even less.”
“My daddy always comes to school stuff,” she said, sounding a bit more confident. “And he even has tea parties with me at home.”
“That’s because he’s a good dad and he loves you.”
She smiled. “I think you’re a good dad, Mr. Curtis.”
“Me? Oh, Jess, I’m not a dad.”
“Lily says that you like her mom and that maybe you would be her dad. I told her that she was lucky. She told me that her real dad died and she was sad. If you became her dad, then she’d have two. One in heaven and one here.”
I thought I was going to be sick. I stood back up and felt a cold sweat begin to cover my entire body as my heart fought to make its way out of my chest. I had no idea how long I stood there until Jess tugged on my hand. “The bell rang. We have to go.”
“Oh…right.” I felt like I was having an out of body experience. We walked down the long hall toward the front entrance of the school, and yet I felt like I was watching myself do it. Once outside, the cold wind whipped around me.
“There’s Lily! Hi, Lily! I’ll see you tomorrow!” Jessileigh called as she walked with me toward the spot where they usually waited. I didn’t even turn my head to see why Lily was outside. Usually she and Kristin didn’t leave until after all of the carpool kids were gone. Then I remembered that it was probably Kristin’s day to have carpool duty.
I scanned the area in search of Mr. Vanderhall’s car. We had talked on the phone last night, and he had mentioned that he was getting worried—Mitzi had been quiet for too long. He had a feeling that with Christmas approaching that she’d try something. We talked strategy for him and his home security team, and I offered to be around over the holidays if they needed me.
“There’s my dad!” Jess called out and pulled her hand from mine.
“Jess! Wait!” I called as she ran forward. It wasn’t like her to take off like that without me. She knew the drill. We always walked to the car together.
It all happened so fast. One minute I had a clear view of her. The next she was gone. There were screeching tires, and when I saw her again, I saw that it wasn’t Mr. Vanderhall’s car at all. It looked just like it, but that wasn’t her father in the driver’s seat. With nothing more than a quick glance, I was positive that it was Mitzi Vanderhall driving.
“Jess! Stop!” I ran through the small crowd of students and teachers—my only thought was to get to Jessileigh before she got into the wrong car or got hurt. I called her name again, and she finally stopped and turned but she was already in the middle of the driveway.
The car that she thought was hers swerved around the cars in front of it and sped dangerously fast toward us. I had to act quickly.
“Declan? What’s—” It was Kristin.
“Take her!” I said and shoved Jessileigh in her direction. “Now!”
The last thing I saw was Kristin’s arms around Jessileigh as she pulled her back.
The last thing I felt was a car slamming into me before everything went black.
Eleven
Kristin
In movies, people always scream immediately when they see something horrifying happen. It’s supposed to be the natural reaction. Not for me, though. My throat closes. My eyes blur over. I freeze, unable to think, unable to move, unable to make a sound.
That was exactly what I did when I saw Declan get hit by the car. I was watching, so I saw the whole thing unfold in slow motion. He pushed Jessileigh toward me, and I grabbed her in my arms. The approaching car didn’t stop, and Declan couldn’t get out of the way.
I saw his body jerk at the impact. I heard the squeal of brakes. I saw him get thrown off his feet to land in an awkward heap on the pavement.
Then other people were screaming. Children and a couple of teachers and other parents. And a lot of things were happening all at once. People running forward. The car that had just hit Declan backing up with a violent lurch, scraping the front of another car that was unfortunately close.
Someone was on the phone, calling 911, I assumed. And several people leaned down over where Declan was prone on the ground.
I was a teacher, an authority figure. I should be cool and composed and help everyone else get through this crisis situation.
Plus, I knew Declan better than anyone else here.
But I was frozen, my arms still tightly around Jessileigh. Shielding her from the horror unfolding in front of us. And I could do…nothing.
There was a black tidal wave of fear and pain that I was barely holding at bay. If I moved, it might unleash.
“He’s alive,” I heard someone say. I think it was the mother of one of the students. She was a veterinarian, which was probably as close to a doctor as we had available at the moment. “He got knocked out.”
I could suddenly breathe, letting out an exhale in a whoosh. I loosened my arms around Jessileigh, who was crying.
A murmur of release had followed this announcement, and Jessileigh turned to me through her tears and asked, “Is Mr. Curtis okay?”
“I hope so,” I said, finding my voice again. I took a few ragged breaths. “He’s hurt, but I think he’ll be okay.”
I had no reason to believe this, other than hopeful thinking and the fact that he wasn’t yet dead. But I had to say something, and I was praying it was true.
I heard a familiar whimper and turned around to see Lily running over toward me. I reached out my arm to hug her against me, feeling more myself, able to function again—although I was still shaky and terrified.
And that black tidal wave was still hovering over me, ready to descend at any minute.
I knew far too well how quickly disaster could strike, how tenuous any peace and security really was. When Nick died, it was with a sudden, devastating blow. No warning. No preparation. Just love ripped out of your life with a violent force.
It wasn’t something that could be lived through twice.
“Is he dead like Daddy?” Lily whispered, her little hands clinging to my sweater.
I almost choked on the question, on what it implied. “I don’t think so, sweetie. He’s just gotten knocked out. It happens when someone gets hit on the head too hard.”
Lily nodded and looked over at Jessileigh, who was wiping her eyes with her fists. “Are you okay, Jessileigh?” Lily asked.
The other girl nodded. “Mr. Curtis saved me.”
It was true. I had seen it happen. The car must have been driven by the girl’s mother, who was making a desperate ill-advised attempt to snatch her. She’d already screeched out of the parking lot, but maybe the cops would get her now.
Another murmur in the crowd began, starting from those leaning over Declan. “He’s awake,” someone said.
I let out another loud exhale at his news. Maybe he wasn’t hurt too much. Maybe he would be okay.
Maybe it was irrational, since I hadn’t really known him for that long. But I didn’t want to think about the world without Declan in it.
“Kristin,” someone called. One of the teachers who was kneeling down next to the veterinarian. “He’s asking for you.
”
I swallowed hard and stumbled over, lowering myself in the space they made for me. My heart was racing, and I felt vaguely sick at how pale Declan looked and at the blood running from his temple to his cheekbone and already matting in his hair.
His eyes were half-opened though, and they landed on me. “Jess?” he asked, in barely a croak.
“She’s fine. I had her.”
This was evidently a relief to him, and I felt a strange wave of affection at how much he was committed to keeping safe whoever was under his care.
Then his expression changed, and his eyes warmed with a look that unmistakably soft and fond. He was gazing at me that way. “Don’t be scared,” he mumbled, shifting his position in a way that obviously gave him great pain.
“I’m fine,” I lied. I was terrified.
He seemed to realize this because his look softened even more. “And don’t…don’t…let them shave off my…hair.”
***
A few hours later, I was in a hospital room with him.
I’m not exactly sure how it happened, really.
The police and ambulance came. They took Declan away, but I had to stay and answer a lot of questions with the others who had seen the incident.
Then Lily’s grandparents took Lily home with them, since everyone seemed to assume I’d want to get right to the hospital to be with Declan.
I don’t know why everyone assumed that, since we certainly weren’t a couple. All we’d had was a fling, but no one else knew about that. But, still, everyone acted sweet and concerned with me, as if Declan was an important person in my life.
He wasn’t supposed to be.
But there was still that dark tidal wave, waiting to crash over me, drown me. And that shouldn’t be there if Declan was really just a fling.
I went to the hospital, though. I had to know that he was okay. They’d already given him a room, and the nurse told me that, since he had a concussion, he was allowed to doze off for a few minutes but he shouldn’t be allowed to sleep long. He would have to stay the night just to make sure he was okay. He had a couple of cracked ribs, but otherwise it was just the damage to his head.
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