“This is ridiculous, Chuck,” Declan said with just a hint of annoyance. “I’m not a teacher anymore. I can’t be summoned to a meeting like this.”
“I know, and I appreciate you coming. One of the parents from the first-grade class was very insistent that she meet with you. She wouldn’t stop nagging until I made an appointment, and I, of course, wasn’t about to give out your personal information to her. This seemed like the best option.”
“Okay, but if she just called me in to yell at me, then I’m out of here.”
“I’m sure she’s prepared to be reasonable. Just listen to what she says.”
I almost smiled at how well Chuck was handling it. I’d had to ask him to do this for me as a favor, but he’d been very willing—evidently realizing the real situation and thinking it was rather amusing.
I didn’t think it was amusing. Or not much. I mostly just wanted it over with.
Maybe Declan would say he didn’t want to see me again, after everything that had happened, everything I had put him through, but I had to at least try.
The office door opened then and Declan was standing in the doorway. He looked as handsome as ever, but too tired.
My heart gave a little skip at the sight of him.
He jerked to a halt and stood frozen as he processed my presence. His eyes looked slightly dazed as he stared, as if he couldn’t quite believe it was me.
I stood up. “Hi,” I said, rather stupidly.
He opened his mouth and then shut it again.
I glanced over his shoulder at Chuck. “Thanks, Chuck,” I said with a little smile.
He winked and closed the office door behind Declan.
“You’re the parent,” Declan said at last.
“I’m the parent.”
“And you’re not here to yell at me about being a crap teacher.” Realization was starting to wash over his face, and something started to smolder in its place.
“You weren’t a crap teacher.”
He gave me a significant look.
“Okay, you weren’t the best teacher ever, but you did okay. And I’m not here to yell at you.”
“Then why are you here?” He stepped forward and started to reach out toward me before he stopped himself.
I reached out and took his hand instead. “I’m here because I changed my mind.”
“You changed…”
“…my mind.”
He froze for just a moment. “About…”
“About us. Everything.”
His tight expression suddenly relaxed, and I let out my pent breath with a whoosh, since I could see the answer on his face, in the wash of something akin to joy.
“If you still want me,” I added, when he didn’t say anything.
He made a choked sound and took my face in both of his hands. “Of course, I still want you. I’ll always want you. I’ve been miserable. I thought it was your final answer and I’d have to spend my life without you.” His eyes scanned my face. “I didn’t want to spend my life without you. Without Lily.”
I couldn’t seem to stop smiling. “I thought it was my final answer too, but I was wrong. It was wrong not to take what was offered, just because I was afraid of losing it. I will have a lot to work through. I mean, with your job, I’m going to be…to be overly anxious for a while. But I promise I’ll work on it. I want you as you are, and I’m not going to cut me and Lily off from something so good, just because there’s risk involved. A wise man once told me there’s risk in everything. There’s risk in life. But there are such good things too, and I want to have as much of the good things in life that I can. I want it for me and Lily. And for you.”
I felt kind of stupid after the rambling, earnest speech, but from the expression on Declan’s face, he evidently appreciated it. “I want it for all of us too,” he said. “And I am going to be careful about the kinds of jobs I take. Taking risks just isn’t as easy as it used to, not if I have so much to lose.”
So we were both smiling like idiots as he leaned down to kiss me. And the kiss was eager and happy and a little sloppy, but neither of us seemed to care.
When he pulled back, I reached out to hug him, and he wrapped his strong arms around me, holding me so tightly I couldn’t breathe for a moment.
It felt about right to me.
As close to perfect as we could get.
***
So after we’d talked for a little while, I realized we better give Chuck back his office, so we got up to leave and I texted Nick’s parents that they could bring Lily back to the school. It wasn’t easy explaining to them that I’d met someone. That I was ready to have a future with someone. Luckily, they understood. They wanted me to be happy. Knew that Nick would want me to be happy.
They’d taken her out for donuts with the understanding that, if things went bad with Declan, then she’d spent the afternoon with them. But otherwise they’d bring her back to the school.
So Declan and I were standing on the sidewalk as the van pulled up and Lily jumped out, almost before it had come to a complete stop.
She hurled herself at Declan, and he scooped her up in a hug, laughing.
“Are you back?” she asked, her voice muffled by his shirt. “For good this time?”
He was grinning as he put her back on her feet, and I was grinning too. “Yes, I’m back.” And then he looked at me. “For good.”
“Oh, good. Me and Mommy missed you a lot.”
I could see by the look on Declan’s face that that little admission meant the world to him.
“Mommy and I,” I corrected automatically.
“See?” Lily said, beaming. “Mommy and I missed you a lot.”
***
Declan attended the school Christmas pageant.
He was right there in the front row as each of the classes did their thing, and his first-grade class sang their song just to him. They were a bit off-key and distracted, and one of the boys pulled the hair of one of the girls and made her cry on stage, but Declan gave them a standing ovation just the same.
It was hard to believe it was the same man, but I knew it was just the real man coming out at last. Declan was at heart a family man who had never had a family.
Until now.
We took Lily out for cupcakes after the pageant, and then he came home with us. Once Lily went to bed that evening, we spent the night together. It was the happiest evening I could remember—the kind I didn’t think I’d be able to have again after Nick died.
And the best thing was I could foresee so many more happy days and nights in the future.
***
On Christmas morning, I woke up with that heavy feeling of joy and anticipation in my gut.
It felt kind of like when I was a kid, when the day was filled with excitements and pleasures untold.
The first thing I saw was Declan, one arm flung up above his head and the covers pushed down to his chest.
I smile at the sight.
I was still smiling when he mumbled something and blinked a few times, turning his head toward me. “You woke me up,” he said.
“I didn’t say a thing.”
“Your staring woke me up.”
“Well, I can’t do anything about that. You’re just so adorable when you’re sleeping that you have to be stared at.”
This comment was rewarded with him rolling on top of me. I giggled and kissed him back. “Merry Christmas,” I murmured against his lips.
“Merry Christmas to you too. I can’t remember the last time I was so excited about Christmas. I can’t wait for you and Lily to open your presents.”
I could tell he meant it. Even having just awakened, his eyes were full of affection and good spirts. It filled me with a kind of awed happiness, that a man like Declan was so invested in me and Lily.
“You can give me my present now, if you want a head start,” I told him brightly.
He chuckled. “Nice try.”
“You could just tell me what it is, and then I’d still act s
urprised.”
“Not a chance.”
“You’re kind of mean.”
“And you’re kind of pushy.”
“I guess we deserve each other then.”
“I don’t know if I deserve you,” he said, his expression shifting slightly, “but I’m sure as hell glad that I have you.”
We kissed again—soft and leisurely—until we heard the sound of feet running in the hallway. Declan groaned and rolled off of me as Lily called out at the top of her lungs, “I’m awake! It’s Christmas!”
“We’ll be out in a minute,” I called back.
I giggled at Declan’s face. “One of the joys of having a kid.”
His face softened into a smile. “I wouldn’t miss it for the world.”
I was filled with so much feeling and affection that I couldn’t possibly contain it.
“What?” he asked, sitting up and giving me a curious look.
I shook my head.
“What?” he demanded again.
“Nothing. Just that I love you.”
I really couldn’t believe I’d actually said it out loud. Surely it was too soon. I didn’t want to spook him or make him feel trapped.
His expression, as he processed the words, looked anything but trapped. His face broke into joy. “Good. Because I sure as hell love you too. And it’s going to be for forever.”
“Hurry up!” Lily yelled from outside the door. “It’s time for presents!”
We were both laughing as we got up and put on some more clothes. Then we went out to find Lily and make coffee and waffles before we opened Christmas presents.
As she was looking at the Christmas tree with her mouth full of food, Lily burst out, “Merry Christmas to us!”
Declan and I couldn’t help but agree.
Epilogue
Declan
“Here’s to the new year,” I said as I held up my beer. Levi, Sebastian and Cole did the same, and we all saluted.
Actually, the New Year had started a little over a week ago, but this was the first time the four of us were together—and alone. New Year’s Eve had been great. Levi and Harper were there. I still couldn’t believe they were having a baby. Even looking at Levi now, the sappy grin hadn’t left his face.
Seb and Ali were there—decked out like they were going to the Academy Awards or something. Sebastian’s family had made them put in an appearance at the annual Maxwell New Year’s Ball. I was thankful that the rest of us hadn’t gotten sucked into that one.
Looking over at Cole, I frowned. He was a damn mystery. Oh, he had been at the New Year’s party—hell, he’d even brought a date. But he wasn’t happy. He wasn’t relaxed. After all this time he still wasn’t comfortable in his own skin, and it was starting to worry me.
“As much as I loved seeing everyone and celebrating last week,” Levi said, “this is still better.” He motioned to the four of us just sitting around a table in our favorite pub.
“Here, here,” Seb said and took a pull of his drink.
“Yeah, yeah, yeah…great to be here. What’s next on the schedule?” Cole asked, seemingly agitated.
Levi sent him a pointed glare before clearing his throat. “Our schedule is relatively clear for the month of January. I did that intentionally so that we can train the two new guys. I want them to spend a week with each of us. I think we all bring something unique to the table, and I want them to feel comfortable when we put them on their first cases come February.”
“I’m not holding anyone’s fucking hand,” Cole snapped.
A loud collective sigh came from around the table. “No one said hand-holding, jackass,” Levi said. “I just want these guys to know what they’re doing and to understand the kind of work that we do.”
“Whatever.”
“So what does that mean for the rest of us come February?” I asked.
“We’re going to start looking at computer security and doing consultations for the private sector. I think it’s the best of both worlds. We still get to do what we love, without putting ourselves in the line of fire. And I know I can’t speak for all of us, but I’m looking forward to spending time closer to home.” And there was that sappy grin again.
“How’s Harper feeling?” Seb asked.
“She’s good. A little morning sickness but other than that, she’s feeling really good. Her parents are over the moon about the baby.”
“Have you started planning anything yet?” I asked. “Names? Nursery?” As soon as the words were out of my mouth, I wanted to groan. A couple of months ago, I couldn’t have cared less about kids, families, nursery’s…but now? I thought about Lily’s room and how Kristin had painted the mural on the wall and how they spent time every night before bed reading stories. A smile crossed my face. The thought of experiencing that someday with a child of my own wasn’t nearly as unappealing or scary as it once was.
“Wipe that fucking grin off your face,” Cole growled. “I expected that with Levi and even Seb, but you? You were supposed to be on my side and leave all that marriage and baby crap to them.”
I shrugged and took a drink. “Believe me, I’m just as shocked as you are. It completely snuck up on me, but I don’t regret it for a minute.”
Cole snorted with disgust.
“The only thing we’ve decided is that if it’s a boy, we’re going to name him Gavin.”
We all fell silent.
It doesn’t seem to matter how much time passes, just the mention of Gavin’s name and I felt like I’d been kicked in the gut. My heart was racing, and I could feel myself beginning to sweat. Everything about that day, that hour, that minute comes rushing back to me. Why was it that I was here and he was not?
Survivor’s guilt. Yeah, I got it. Everyone kept telling me that it was normal, but would they still be saying that if they knew that it was my fault—that it was my distraction—that cost my friend his life?
I hated it. Hated this. The fact that the four of us were sitting here and talking calmly about our futures and how we were hiring other guys to take on the more dangerous cases so that we could all sit back and be safe. Gavin didn’t have that option.
“My in-laws were a little shocked that we wanted to do it,” Levi said, interrupting my thoughts, “but we told them that it was the best way to honor Gavin.”
“I think that’s awesome,” Sebastian said. “Gavin would’ve liked that.”
And the thing was, he would have, I thought. Gavin loved his sister so damn much and was so proud of everything that she did, and there wasn’t a doubt in my mind that if he had lived and was here now, he would be doting on her and making sure Levi was taking care of her.
Which he was.
I sat back and listened to him talk a little more about how he felt about becoming a father and it had me thinking about Lily. And Kristin.
There was no way that I could ever replace Nick. Not for either of them. But it was an intimidating position to be in. I want to be Kristin’s husband. I want to be Lily’s father. But Nick was always going to be there. And I knew that it wasn’t fair to him. I knew that I was going to love and take care of them both, but—especially in Lily’s case—I had to be careful to not overstep and make her feel like I’m trying to replace her father.
If she wanted to call me Declan for the rest of my life, I’d be fine with it. But if she ever wants to call me dad…well…just the thought of it was like someone is squeezing my heart.
So there we sat. Levi was just starting his family. I’d stepped into a ready-made one. Sebastian and Ali would be getting married soon, and I knew that they’ll be in the same position before too long.
And then there was Cole.
He was clearly distracted as Levi talked and I couldn’t blame him. Before Kristin and Lily, I probably would have been scanning the room looking for something else to do while Levi talked about the joys of pregnancy and decorating nurseries.
But it was something more.
He was angry about the turn of event
s within our company. He’d been vocal since day one about our taking on less dangerous cases. It was like he had a death wish. Hell, I think we all did when we first came home. We didn’t feel worthy of being alive, being able to walk around each day and be around our friends and families. We each did things that we didn’t want to do because we didn’t think we deserved to be happy.
Levi went to work with his father—which he swore he’d never do.
Sebastian went to work with his father—which he despised.
And me? Hell, I just wandered around and refused to settle anywhere because it’s harder to hit a moving target. I was happy moving from place to place and keeping everything superficial because I didn’t want to make connections. Didn’t want to care about anyone.
Because it hurt too much when you lost them.
And then I met Kristin.
She made me want to stay in one place. Made me want to stay grounded and put down roots. And it felt really good to actually feel alive again.
Cole needed that. He needs to find that place—where he was comfortable with himself, comfortable in his skin and where he could live in the present and look forward to the future rather than staying in the past.
I know he had a lot of baggage—shitty upbringing, abusive parents, time in a gang—he’d been there, done that and yet he didn’t see how far he’s come. In his own mind, he was still that punk.
He’d keep taking the shitty cases that no one wants because they’re too dangerous. Hell, he’d probably even search them out himself. Eventually, the guys and I would have to do something drastic to make him stop running. That was what Levi and Seb did for me. They saw something in me that told them that I needed to stop running.
Who knew it would take a classroom full of six-year olds to make that happen?
And you know what? I don’t regret it for a minute. I know I was a prick in the beginning and I went into the case kicking and screaming and bitching. Hell, what did I know? Turned out that my friends really did look out for me and maybe, just maybe, knew what’s best for me.
I looked over at Cole again. Levi had done talking babies, so Cole was back in the conversation. We’d let him be for now. I had to make a mental note to talk to Levi and Seb about cases that I thought would benefit Cole. When the time was right. Right now? We all had enough on our plates. There were new guys to train and lives to settle into.
Forever Bound Page 14
