“There’s nothing wrong with that,” Levi said. “That just shows that you’re actually human. If you had been able to just walk away from all of them without any emotion, I’d have to question whether or not you actually have a heart.” He took a pull from his beer. “Hell, I think that it’s not that hard to get attached when you’re on a case. I mean, it’s happened to all of us.”
“That’s different,” I said.
“How? How is it any different?” Levi asked.
“You fell in love with Harper,” I snapped. “And you!” I pointed at Sebastian. “You fell in love with Ali. It’s completely different.”
“And you fell in love with those kids,” Levi said simply and then shrugged. “It’s not a bad thing, Dec.”
“That’s not all he fell in love with,” Cole muttered and leaned back in his chair.
I glared at him, hoping to intimidate him, but all he did was glare back.
“What? Am I fucking wrong? It’s not just the kids, man. It’s the kids, and Kristin and her kid. Just admit it.”
“Don’t we have business to discuss?” I asked, changing the subject. “What’s the next case? Please tell me that it’s something a little edgier than learning the words to Christmas songs.” Levi and Sebastian exchanged glances and I had an idea that something was up.
“Actually…that’s something we need to discuss,” Levi began. “We’ve had a lot of great clients, and the business is definitely growing. Honestly, I cannot even believe how many potential clients we have. I can realistically see us having to hire more guys by the end of the year.”
“So that’s a good thing, right?” Cole asked.
Levi nodded. “Definitely. The thing is, we’ve had some tame cases and some not-so-tame cases. We’ve each faced danger on at least one job, and while we can argue that it all goes with the territory, I for one feel like I have too much to lose to keep taking those kinds of risks.”
Sebastian spoke up. “Levi and Harper are going to have a baby. He’s going to want to be based closer to home and not be traveling quite so much. Ali and I are getting married and we want to have kids right away, and I know that I feel the same way. I’m not willing to be away from her for too long.”
“So you’re both a couple of pussies. How is that my problem?” Cole asked, sounding annoyed.
“Shut the fuck up,” Levi snapped. “I’m thinking that maybe we cut back on the amount of…dangerous jobs we take.”
“What difference will that make?” Cole chimed in again. “This job that Declan just finished was supposed to be a no brainer and he still got hurt. Shit can happen anywhere, at any time. You can’t know in advance exactly what’s going to happen.”
“While that’s true,” Sebastian said, “I think we just need to be a little more…choosy…about the jobs that we take.”
That all sounded fine and well to me. Maybe I’d actually get a say in future assignments and not draw the short straw and get something like Jess’s case ever again. If anyone would have told me that protecting a six year old at school was going to get me banged up, I would have laughed in their face. Ha. The joke is obviously on me.
“Declan? What do you think?” Levi asked.
I shrugged. “Yeah. That’s fine. Whatever.”
Levi sighed. “Okay, fine. Don’t have an opinion. That clears the way for us to talk about you and Kristin. What happened?”
I shrugged again. “She’s scared. She lost her husband, her world got turned upside down. She doesn’t want to go there again. Seeing me get hit by the car freaked her out. I know it wasn’t easy, and she says that she doesn’t want to put Lily through that, and I can respect that.”
“So then this new solution with the business should work in your favor,” Sebastian said. “You should be a little more excited about it.”
“I don’t know,” I said miserably. “I don’t know if it’s too late. The damage may have already been done.”
“Only one way to find out,” Levi said right before he waved the waitress over to bring us another round of drinks.
***
I was a glutton for punishment.
I wonder if there was a group for that. Something like AA where you go and sit around with other people as twisted as you are. “Hello, my name is Declan Curtis, and I am a glutton for punishment.”
Shit.
It was a Saturday, and I was supposed to be moving out of the extended stay hotel and heading back to my place in D.C., but where am I? Standing in a park behind a tree watching Kristin push Lily on a swing. I was no better than a fucking stalker, and I didn’t even care.
I was going to extend my stay at the hotel. I couldn’t just leave until I at least talked to Kristin and tried to see if she was open to giving me a chance. A second chance. Hell, a third, fourth or fucking fifth chance. I knew I’m pushing my luck, but I didn’t want to just walk away. This was supposed to just be a fling—I’m good at those. But this? This was so much more, and it scared the shit out of me, and yet it was even scarier to think of it totally being over.
How fucked up is that?
I stepped out from behind the tree to get a better look at them, and Lily instantly spotted me.
“Mommy! Mommy! Look! It’s Mr. Curtis and he’s still alive!”
I almost choked when I heard that, but before I knew it, Lily was hurling herself into my arms and hugging me. I dropped to my knees and held on for dear life.
“Mr. Curtis! Are you all better now? Is your head okay? Do your ribs hurt? Are you coming back to school?” She was firing questions at me a million miles a second, and it was the absolute greatest thing I’d heard in over a week.
I pulled back and looked down at her smiling face and felt my heart just kick. “Yes, I’m getting better. My head is fine, my ribs still hurt, but unfortunately, I won’t be coming back to the school. I hear you’ve got a really great teacher now.”
She nodded. “Mrs. O’Brien is really nice, and she always starts the day with math. I got a one hundred and a star on my math test!”
“Good for you!”
She beamed up at me. “I got to have ice cream for dessert that night. Mommy said it was my reward.”
“That’s because she’s the best, right?” Even as I said the words, I looked to where Kristin was standing—still too far away. I lifted Lily up and walked across the park, toward Kristin, and it didn’t take long to see the wariness in her eyes. “Hey.”
“Hi.”
I put Lily down and Kristin immediately pulled her close. As if she were trying to protect her from me. “How are you?”
“Fine,” she said quietly.
“That’s good,” I said and smiled. It felt good just to look at her.
We were silent for a long time and Kristin was the one to finally break it. “Um…we need to go. It’s…it’s getting late, and we have homework to do.” She looked at me sadly. “Take care of yourself.”
“Kristin, wait,” I said, reaching out and placing my hand on her arm. “Can I…can I see you again?”
She didn’t even think about it. She immediately shook her head no. “I’m sorry. We need to go.”
And then they were gone.
***
Glutton for punishment. Take two.
Chuck called me and let me know that the kids had prepared a thank-you gift for me. I asked him if he could just mail it, but he said no. It was important for the kids to be able to say goodbye—especially after everything they heard about my saving Jessileigh.
So now here I was, walking into the school and being forced to be so close to Kristin and Lily and not being able to do a damn thing about it.
“Hi, Mr. Curtis,” Rose said, as I walked into the office.
I nodded and didn’t get to say a word because Chuck walked out at that moment. “Come on, Declan. I’ll walk down to the class with you. I know you’re anxious to get in and out as quickly as possible.”
That was both true and false, but I chose not to mention it. We walke
d silently down to the class, and Chuck knocked on the door before we walked in. Sandra O’Brien smiled at us and immediately called the kids to come and sit in a circle. She had a chair sitting at the top of the circle for me to sit in and I almost turned and ran out.
“Okay, class. Let’s all say hello to Mr. Curtis while you take your seats!”
Sure enough, the entire group sat in a perfect circle while calling out their greetings to me. Jessileigh was sitting on my right, and she reached up and grabbed my hand and squeezed it. I felt it all the way in my chest.
Once everyone was seated, Mrs. O’Brien came and stood behind me and motioned for the kids to look at her. Then she held up her hand and counted to three. All at once, the entire class began to sing the song they had been learning for the Christmas pageant. They sounded so sweet and so wonderful that it brought tears to my eyes.
Or maybe I’m allergic to something, I’m not sure.
When they finished, I clapped hard and loud and told them how proud I was of all their hard work and how great they sounded.
“We made this for you,” Jessileigh said as she stood and released my hand only to pick it up again a moment later when she handed me a giant card. “All of us drew a picture in it and signed our names.”
Sure enough, the card stood about three feet tall and it was brightly decorated with all kinds of pictures—animals, cars, Spiderman, rainbows—and underneath each work of art was the name of the artist. I almost felt like I couldn’t breathe when I found Lily’s name and saw that she drew a picture of the three of us – me, her and Kristin. Like a family. I swallowed hard as I looked up at all of their little expectant faces, my heart in my throat. “Thank you,” I said quietly. “This is the best present I’ve ever gotten.”
Fifteen minutes later we left the room. I knew that the kids had music class to get to, and I didn’t want to disrupt their day more than I already had. I walked with Chuck back down to the office and shook his hand.
“I want to thank you for all that you did while you were here, Declan. I know it was way out of your comfort zone, but you did a wonderful job with those kids. If you ever decide to change careers…,” he said with a laugh.
I couldn’t help but join in. It felt good. “Thanks, Chuck. But let’s just say that I know my limitations.” We shook hands again and I watched as he walked into the office.
And Kristin walked out.
We stood there, frozen in place. “Hi,” I said cautiously. This was so not the time or the place and yet there was no way for me to just pretend that she wasn’t right there.
“Hi.” She looked around nervously and fidgeted with her hair and then looked down at the giant card in my hand. “You saw the kids.” It was a statement, not a question.
I nodded. “They sang for me. It was great.”
“Lily was really excited about it. They all wanted it to be perfect for you.”
“It was amazing. They’re going to be a big hit in the Christmas pageant,” I said with a smile. “They’re a great group of kids.” The small talk was killing me. “Listen, can…can we step outside for a minute? Please?”
At first I thought she was going to just take off, but she took a deep breath as if to steady herself. “Declan, I can’t do this. I can’t…I thought that I could do the casual thing. And then I thought I could deal with getting involved with someone again. It turns out, I can’t. I can’t go through what I did with Nick again. Not even for you.”
I took a step toward her and was relieved when she didn’t take a step back. “Kristin, there are no guarantees in life. No one is guaranteed tomorrow. Are you really willing to go through life—missing out on living—because you’re too afraid to take a risk?” I asked desperately. “What happened that day was a freak accident. Believe me, I didn’t sign on for that either. I took Jess’s case because it was supposed to be safe.”
“But what about the next case? Or the one after that?” Tears began to form in her eyes and they almost killed me. “I wouldn’t survive it a second time. I can’t do that to Lily.”
“The guys and I talked. We’re going to do less risky and dangerous cases. We’re going to hire more guys. I…I’m trying here,” I said, willing her to believe me.
She was silent for a long time. And then she wasn’t. “I’m sorry,” she whispered. “I’m really, really sorry.” And then she turned and ran down the hall toward her class.
Thirteen
Kristin
Sometimes, making the smart decision hurts like hell.
Sometimes, making the smart decision feels like the worst thing you could have done.
This was definitely one of those times.
For more than a week now, I’d been telling and retelling myself that this was for the best, that both Lily and I would end up being devastated again if I chose to have a relationship with a man like Declan. And when he showed up at school, showing a side of himself that few even knew existed, it just twisted the knife in the pain.
But I was going to remain resolute. I wasn’t going to cave, just because everything inside me was screaming to do so.
I was reminding myself yet again that this was for the best as Lily and I drove to the cemetery where Nick was buried on Saturday morning. It was a cold morning, and the car hadn’t yet heated up, so my fingers were chilled and my cheeks felt chapped. My eyes ached from crying too much and not sleeping enough.
I glanced back and saw Lily was looking sober and reflective, bundled up in her red coat and hat and staring out the car window.
“What are you thinking about, sweetie?” I asked, worried that this was harder on her than it should have. It was my fault. I should have been smarter from the beginning.
“I think Daddy would have liked his flowers,” she said, meeting my eyes in the rearview mirror. She held in her lap a bundle of bright yellow daisies.
“Yes, I’m sure he would have.”
“Can we go see him again on Christmas? And bring him Christmas flowers?”
My throat ached that she had to go through such a loss so young. “Of course, we can. We can see him whenever you like.”
“I would like to see him on Christmas morning,” she said with a little nod. “After we open presents.”
“After the presents it is.”
This idea seemed to please her, and she turned to stared back out the window. It took fifteen minutes to reach the cemetery, and she didn’t say anything else the whole time.
When we arrived, I took her hand as we walked toward Nick’s grave.
Lily carefully lay the flowers next to the headstone. “These are for you, Daddy,” she said. “I picked out yellow because it’s a happy color and I hope you’re happy. I bet Heaven has a lot of yellow flowers.”
My eyes burned as I thought about how much Nick had loved Lily and how little time he’d gotten to spend with her. The unfairness of it all hit me again and made me ache.
She turned suddenly to look at me over her shoulder. “Daddy wants us to be happy too, right?”
“Of course, he does, baby. Of course, he does.”
The words settled on me strangely, although they weren’t a new thought or a particularly profound one. But I felt them in my chest as Lily turned back to face Nick’s headstone.
Lily began to talk to her father again, as she always did, filling him in on various things that had happened since our last visit. She talked about Mrs. O’Brien and how well she’d been doing in math. She talked about Jessileigh and how much nicer she was than she’d originally thought.
Then she told him about Mr. Curtis and how, at first, she didn’t think he was a good teacher, but he was better than she’d thought. And how he’d saved Jessileigh. And how he liked Mommy. And how he had the nicest laugh that made other people laugh too. And that he was the best Mad Hatter to have at a tea party.
My eyes burned again as I listened, but I didn’t try to stop her. It wouldn’t be right to keep her from working through the things in her life, especially something
that had had such a big impact.
“Mommy says we won’t see him anymore, and she’s sad about it, but she pretends not to be.”
“Lily–” I broke off the automatic comment, since I had no idea what to say.
Lily had paused for me to continue, but when I didn’t, she focused again on her father. “I miss him now too. I miss both you and him.”
So my throat was aching again now, and it kept aching as Lily finished her conversation with her father and took my hand to show she was ready to leave.
I kissed my fingertips and leaned down to press them onto the gravestone, desperately wishing that, for once, life could be easy and simple.
It just never was.
We walked back to the car in silence, and I hugged and kissed Lily before she got into her seat.
When I started the car and put it into drive, Lily said, in that seemingly random way she had, “I’m glad we knew Daddy. Even if we didn’t have him very long.”
For just a moment, my vision darkened, and when it returned it was with the kind of blinding revelation that sometimes hits you out of the blue.
She was right. Lily was right.
Having Nick was worth it—for however short a time we were given him. I wouldn’t trade that time we had together for anything in the world. None of us are guaranteed forever, let alone tomorrow. We need to make the most of the time that we have right now.
By the time we reached the house again, I knew exactly what we needed to do.
***
On Monday afternoon, I was so anxious and exhilarated, at the same time, I could barely focus on the last class block. I’d planned everything out to the last detail, but I couldn’t be absolutely sure of the outcome.
I’d hurt Declan. I knew it. And he might have decided his interest in me just wasn’t worth the trouble.
I had a lot of baggage that would always complicate a relationship.
But I knew I needed to try, so I sat in Chuck’s office after school had ended, trying to breathe slowly and not get too worked up about what was about to happen.
After several minutes of waiting, I heard voices outside of the mostly closed office door.
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