Mon. 5/20/96
Still renting. Still taking the T to work every day. At least we moved to Waltham so my commute is only one bus. Chad was so deflated after we were outbid for the 5th time on a house that he decided to focus on the restaurant. “We can buy something later when we were both more established at our jobs,” he said. And I know renting means flexibility even if it also means throwing money away. We can get out fast if we need to. Or want to.
On the bus this morning on the way to work I sat up front and there were only a couple people in the back. It was so early and I didn’t expect to be bothered. About 4 stops later a group of 3 teenage girls got on. I thought it was early for teens but they didn’t have backpacks. I knew they were skipping school which brought me back to the one time in my life I ever skipped. Senior skip day. I pictured them headed into the city to wreak havoc in whatever way teenage girls do these days. All 3 of them had long, jet black hair out of a bottle, two wore tight black jeans, tee shirts and flannel, the other girl had a long floral dress and a jean jacket with patches on the back. They were all wearing black Doc Martens. The yellow laces gave it away. Grunge girls. I looked down at my tan suit and sneakers with socks, smart heels tucked securely in my satchel sized purse, and thought of Rhoda. The girls sat near the middle of the bus and I could hear them giggling. I turned to look and they were all gazing down at a magazine in one of the girl’s laps. I could hardly concentrate all day at work, I miss my friends so much.
Mon. 6/17/96
Happy anniversary to us. How did we celebrate? I sat at the bar talking to Evan the new bartender for an hour while Chad had to sort out some major shipment disaster. I got my husband’s “undivided” attention for a half hour. He scarfed down his dinner and we barely spoke. I hadn’t even finished my meal when he was up, kissed me with an “I’m sorry” and headed in back. He bought out Manny last month and now he’s working 17 hour days. The only time we see each other is the one night a week I forced him to take off. It had to be Mondays because that’s the slowest night. We have dinner and have sex (rarely) and barely have anything to talk about. I don’t even know how to tell him I’m pregnant.
Fri. 7/26/96
I lost the baby. 7 weeks. Almost to the day. My doctor told me it can happen with a first time pregnancy but I sat in her office crying for 20 minutes. She said to keep trying. I’d love to but Chad reneged on our deal and he’s back to working 7 nights a week. We don’t even sleep in the same bed anymore. He gets home so late, it was messing with my sleep schedule. I have to be at work at 8AM. We haven’t had sex since June. Aren’t we still newlyweds? Cherry is getting married next month. She and Rob, as Cherry put it, had an “instant connection” she’d never experienced before. He’s a tattoo artist. I really want to go but they’re having the ceremony in Hawaii. She said “no pressure” so I’m torn. Chad couldn’t go anyway so I’d be alone. How did this happen to me? To us? He says he’ll hire a full time manager soon but he’s been saying that for months. I’m not holding my breath. I got a raise today. The one bright spot in my life is work. At least numbers make sense.
Fri. 10/4/96
I got home from work yesterday and there was Kelly, sitting on the front stairs of our apartment. She had 1 duffel bag and a lit cigarette. I hadn’t seen her smoke since senior year of high school. As soon as she saw me she flicked the butt into the street and burst into tears. I set up the sofa for her to sleep on and went to start dinner. We talked all night about her marriage ending and that she was afraid to tell any of us because she’s not even 30 and getting a divorce.
Brian hired some fancy lawyer to try to stop Kelly from taking anything but she told me Arizona is a community property state so she’ll be okay. I told her to call ma and get the number of their lawyer. She started crying again. We were up so late talking that Chad got home. He seemed shocked that I wasn’t in bed and said he had to grab a shower, he’d be right in. I don’t sleep well anymore since he started capping off the night with drinks. It makes me nervous that he drives home so I don’t fall asleep until I hear his key in the door. He showers every night now after work. I think he’s smoking again too.
I called in sick today so Kelly and I could talk more. After Chad left at about 9AM (without even saying goodbye, mind you, just nodding his head in our direction with his cellular phone against his ear), my sister asked how I was doing. It was my turn to burst into tears and I told her about everything over the past couple years with Chad. I didn’t even realize I was so sad until she was hugging me and telling me it was going to be okay. I wanted to believe her but I didn’t think she believed herself. How could she when she’s going through a shattered marriage? At least mine is only dented right now. Maybe there’s still time to save it all, I just don’t know how to begin trying anymore.
Wed. 12/25/96
I was shocked when Chad said he’d close the restaurant this week for the holidays, that the entire staff deserved a break. That we deserved one too! My office closes from Christmas Eve, eve (23rd) to the 2nd of January every year so I already had the time off. He handed me plane tickets. We leave for Bermuda tomorrow morning! I don’t even have time to get my hair cut or buy a new bathing suit. I barely have time to pack. We both need this vacation though. I think a lot of our stress will go away when we can spend a week on the beach, just the two of us in the sun with drinks. Ahhhh!!!
Thurs. 1/2/97
Back to work and I’d never been so happy to see my stupid blue-grey cubicle at AGA in my life. Bermuda was interesting. So much for alone time. I thought it would be the two of us. Time to reconnect, work on this marriage. Chad invited his friend Daisy from the restaurant and her “boyfriend” to join us. I use the quotes because Gavin was so obviously gay. Chad said I was crazy, that they’d been dating for a few months and just weren’t into PDA. He and Daisy closed down the bar together every night. Like he was still back home, just not working. I was pissed.
He’d crawl into bed next to me reeking of cigarettes and gin and try to have sex. Which he gave up trying on the 4th night because he couldn’t get it up. Whatever. It’s been so long now I don’t even remember what to do anymore. Kelly is still living with ma and dad, Brian is being a complete asshole about the divorce. She told him to keep the house and the cars, all she wants is half of their bank account (since she earned it) but he keeps delaying and won’t budge. Jerk. In better news, Jess is pregnant. They know it’s a girl and don’t plan to get married. Patrick already has a kid from his first marriage, a 14 year old. Jess is over the moon and said I have to come visit after she’s born in May. They live in Santa Barbara now. She’s still tutoring and Patrick is a surgeon. The crazy thing is he works less hours than Chad. I miss her. All of them.
Fri. 1/24/97
Fuck him. Fuck him fuck him fuck him. He “fell asleep” in the office of the bar again last night. It was only my fucking birthday. 25 and alone. Maybe I should be alone. I spend all my time alone anyway. This marriage is a joke. He’s married to his restaurant and I’m married to the fantasy of a happier life. One that never seems to show up no matter how much I pray for it or try to tell him I miss him. Cherry called me at lunch today and apologized for missing me yesterday. Chad didn’t even apologize. I passed him on my way to work, he was just getting home with enough time to take a shower and get back to Burlington. He said “you know how hard it’s been for me trying to keep this thing going.” He didn’t even say happy birthday. Fuck him.
Mon. 4/14/97
Waiting for me in my email when I got to work today was one from Cherry. It had a subject line of “one more day!” and I smiled. Cherry and Rob have a 1 bedroom condo inland, and their tenant moved so it’s vacant until mid-May. She said the place is a disaster right now but I can stay there for my whole vacation. I heard Rob yell that they’d convince me to “never leave.” That 2 weeks in California and I’d be “a new woman!” All I care about is getting out of Massachusetts. Getting out of my sorry excuse for a marriage. When Chad sat me down on
February 16th and told me about his revelation that he needed to scale back at the restaurant I almost laughed in his face. I’d been waiting for him to take my suggestion to do that for years. But I was slightly happier that he brought it up at all than being pissed he was stealing my glory so I just smiled and agreed. Then he started crying and I froze. He’d kissed her. Daisy.
Apparently, it happened on Feb. 15th. Allegedly, for the first time (even though he confessed that she told him in Bermuda that she wanted more). He said all he could think about was me when it happened. Sure. He told her he couldn’t do it and she quit the next day. He said it had been killing him these past couple months and felt he had to tell me. I booked my vacation to California on February 17th. I leave as soon as tax day is behind me.
Thurs. 7/31/97
My marriage became official in June just 2 short years ago. I got the job at AGA 3 years ago. We’ve been in this apartment for 1 year. And now everything is ending. Tomorrow morning I pick up Cherry at the airport, we go to get my truck, fill it, then take off for Ventura on Saturday morning. Everything, life as I’ve known it for the past 25.5 years is coming to an end in one fail swoop. I’d been holding on to this picture of what I thought my life was supposed to be. That I had to stay married even if I was always alone. I fell in love in high school and thought it was some kind of fate that we reconnected after so many years. But I’d been hanging onto this guy for 10 years when I should have let him go after high school. Back when he let me go. Then I spent ten years measuring every other guy in my life against this teenaged fantasy I had of a boy who only gave me the time of day to get laid. Which he didn’t. And when he finally could I decided it must be fate. True love. It wasn’t.
Blast from the past, Jack called me back in May sometime to tell me he got married this year (3 days after my birthday in fact) and I had an epiphany. I wanted to move to the west coast back in ’94 when the girls left. But I chickened out. Today, my last official day at AGA, they threw me a party, said not to be a stranger, but that’s exactly what I’m looking for now. I want to become that stranger in a strange land. I need to finally live my life. I kicked him out the morning after he told me (I’m not an animal, it was really late and he crashed on the sofa, gone before I woke up). I called the landlord to explain things and he laughed, not at me but at the serendipity. His cousin was looking for a place and he was about to call me asking if we’d consider staying on for one month past our lease until the guy made it to town. I told him if he’d cut me a break on the rent I’d stay and even paint. Sold. And even though Chad has called non-stop, trying to apologize I’m over it. Done. Already called a lawyer.
I’m not dragging this thing out forever like Kelly (still married to that caveman and living at home, in fact we joked which of our divorces would be finalized first. Then we cried a little.) I feel like life offered me a second chance at something great and I need to go find out what it is. I might hate it out there. I might move back after a month, a total failure. But I hope not. I’ve never been so sure of leaving something behind in my entire life!
PART IV
California! Ready? Or not...
Monday 9/22/97
For a while there I thought I’d be living on Ramen and tuna again (like back in my college days) forever. Living the next decade of my life on Cherry and Rob’s sofa in some self-perpetuated misery over the end of my former life and start of a life that didn’t seem to want to get off the ground. But last week I interviewed with a mid-sized firm, Eric Nylar & Co., and we clicked the moment I sat down. He made the offer the next day. Today was my first day and I know I’m going to stick it out there for a very long time. Awesome staff. Nice office park with lots of lunch options around. And I even get a real office with a door. I can’t wait to start paying Cherry back for the couple month’s rent (even though she told me to forget it, that this was a return favor after her move back to Mass.) We get paid weekly so I get to be a grownup again as of October 3rd.
Sat. 1/24/98
We’re all celebrating my birthday a day late so Jess could get a sitter for Daphne. Patrick’s daughter usually sits but she’s on some fancy trip overseas somewhere with her mother. That’s okay, I’m just happy we all get to spend time together. It’s only been 6 months since I moved out here and already we’ve fallen into bad-friend-busy-lives routines. Chad called me again last night. He was all “happy birthday I was thinking of you.” I don’t get why he’s still trying. I never pick up. Never call back. If it wasn’t going to cost so much to get out of this plan I would just change my stupid number and be done with him for good.
I already made a friend at work, Lara, who reminds me of Kelly so much I can’t get over it. Not looks wise, she’s brunette with brown eyes, but the way I remember Kelly just being fun and open to anything back when we were so much younger. We hit it off right away and she’s coming to celebrate tonight. I’m trying to get comfortable with making new friends out here but it can be intimidating. Everyone is so open and talkative. A stark contrast to where I lived my whole life. Lara is single, said she won’t even consider getting married until she’s at least 30.
I moved to a new place last month. I’ve got a room with my own bathroom but share the rest of the house with 7 other people. 5 of them are flight attendants so they’re almost never around. I don’t even know most of their names. Deb and Chloe are the roommates I do know but we all generally keep to ourselves. They’re both a few years younger than me and Chloe’s dad owns the house. She said if he hadn’t bought the place back in the 70’s he’d never be able to afford it today. The rent is reasonable for a room and we’re basically on the beach. It was exactly where I’d always wanted to live and just never knew it until I moved into this place.
Tues. 4/21/98
Holy 4 hour phone call Batman! Kelly called me as I was walking in the door from work and didn’t stop talking the whole time. I barely got a word in at all but feel out of breath because of her excitement. She has a new man in her life (thankfully the divorce finally went through last October) and his name is Chris. I’ll never forget his name because she must have used it 300 times during our call. Actually, maybe 400 times. She told me so much about him, how they met, where he lives, where they plan to move, that I can’t even remember any of it. Ha! So happy for her that she’s happy again!
Sun. 9/6/98
Best weekend ever! Patrick took the kids and kissed her goodbye so Jess, along with Chloe and me, could skip town for the weekend. We all needed to get out of town. Jess cut back her working hours to raise Daphne and is losing her mind being a stay at home mom, Chloe just got laid off from her 3rd job this year (she does something with the internet, I don’t really understand her work), and I got my finalized divorce papers in the mail on Wed. I’m finally rid of that ass forever. Cherry and Deb both had to work. Lara. Well, that’s a whole other story. She pretty much flaked out on us. Sweet girl, not terrific with commitments.
We were supposed to stay in Cambria in some bed & breakfast. Turned out, Chloe’s uncle in Morro Bay was going to be traveling to Japan for a few months and we could stay free in his place. Yes please! His house was only blocks from the coast and beautiful. But after our first 2 hours in town I never saw the place again for the rest of the trip. I met someone. I don’t even know how to tell this story without sounding like a 14 year old girl because I literally fell in love at first sight. And then he defended my honor (sort of, a weirdo at the bar, he pretended to be my boyfriend and I thought it was cheezy but we ended up talking all night), bought my dinner, toured me all over the coast (and the beach), and he even took me dancing before dropping me curbside to catch my ride back to Ventura this morning. And he never even tried to sleep with me. Though he said when he comes down the coast next weekend it will be tougher for him to resist. I can’t even say his name yet, just in case it isn’t real.
Fri. 11/6/98
Two months. That’s as long as my fantasy world with Emmet lasted before my asshole ex-husband somehow tracke
d me down and spun my life into drama yet again. In truth I’ve been waiting for the other shoe to drop with Chad for a long time. His calling intensified as the date of the finalized divorced neared. He said he wanted to contest. He didn’t. The divorce happened. But then his begging to take him back became a weekly call. I finally bit the bullet and changed my number. Freed myself to date Emmet without the drama and baggage hanging over my head. I never thought I’d have to call the police on my ex. I never imagined myself the person who had an ex-husband at all, let alone one who shows up all the way across the country on my front doorstep.
Girls read fluffy novels where the guy does that and it’s always sweet, romantic, the grand gesture. Always raining, wet jeans and probably a cowboy hat are all he’s wearing because he used his shirt to save a litter of kittens, trapped in a storm drain. Which he’s holding on the cover of the book. In my case, the gesture not only freaked me out to the point of real fear but caused my mild mannered, Zen boyfriend to take a swing at another man. His curly brown hair swinging with his arm. Something he said he hasn’t done since 6th grade.
Of course Chad was drunk. He whined on about losing the bar, losing me. I couldn’t hear it, didn’t want to, and covered my ears then tried to get to the front door. But he wouldn’t let me past. Chad started getting loud and the living room light turned on. Emmet stepped between us and asked him to move. He even said please. Chad laughed, swung and connected with Emmet’s left shoulder. Emmet, sober but stunned, swung back without thinking. Chloe opened the door and called the police. I told them about the calls. They asked if I want a restraining order. Emmet said I should move but doesn’t that make me seem like a fugitive from my own life? Where would I even go? He and I talk about the future but I love my place at the beach and I’m not ready to move in with him. He’s great but not my savior. I told the cops no, I told Emmet no. That I’d be okay. But he just fell asleep and I’m still shaking because nobody can tell me how Chad tracked me down.
Carol + Chad 4-eva! (California Dreamin' Series Book 1) Page 3
