Until I Die Again [On The Way To Heaven] (Soul Change Novel)

by Tina Wainscott

She jerked up in bed, clutching the sheets and searching the dark for shards of reality. As always, her hand reached down to find comfort in her dogs, but found it in the form of Jamie’s arms pulling her close.

  “It’s okay, it’s okay. It was just a nightmare.”

  She shivered uncontrollably, remembering Alan, remembering elf shoes. Trying to forget everything except the warm, solid body holding her.

  “Hallie, what monster is chasing you?”

  She shook her head. “It’s not a monster, it’s a bridge. I’m falling off a bridge.”

  “All this is for a bridge? Why are you having these nightmares? Why now?”

  “I think they’re trying to tell me something. But I’m not sure what.” False identity. Murder. What did the elf shoes mean? All these questions, and not one could she share with Jamie.

  “Maybe you should see a doctor or psychiatrist.”

  “No! I don’t need a doctor.”

  “It might help.”

  “They’ll go away, I’m sure.” Actually, she wasn’t so sure. And now she would be up the rest of the night, wondering why Alan was asking for a chance.

  That evening, Hallie walked along the stretch of beach, leaving the guests who were walking the sunset far behind. Crouching, she set her Hallie’s Comet down and traced a heart in the wet, packed sand. Inside she put a C and a J, then changed the C to an H.

  She stood again, and felt a little lightheaded from the fruity drink. Grinning at her silly artwork, feeling giddy and restless, she hiked her skirt up and ran farther down the beach. She had never felt so sexy and confident, with her sleeves off her shoulders, her flowered skirt showing off long, tan legs. She giggled as a large wave rushed up, swirling around her ankles.

  She was about to head back when she saw the large outcropping of black rocks where she had been stranded. She walked over, wondering what creatures lived in the tiny caves and tide pools. Then her eyes rested on a creature she definitely had not expected to find there: Jamie.

  On the same rock where she had found solace, he was leaning back with eyes closed. She picked her way toward him, stifling a scream when she nearly slipped and fell into the water once. The waves pulled her back toward shore like a mother keeping her child from danger. Alternately, they would push her impishly toward her destination.

  When she neared him, she realized he was asleep. And naked, from the clothing lying nearby. His blond hair looked golden in the sunlight, and the waves washed gently over long, muscular legs. She could do nothing but stare at him for the longest time. Vulnerable in his sleep and nudity, yet strong and virile. His skin was tan and glistening, his cheeks pink from the sun.

  She couldn’t ignore the feelings that coursed through her veins, more fiery than the sunset, more intense than the whole ocean surrounding them. She moved closer, ignoring the pain of the rough rocks beneath her bare feet. Her next step was onto a patch of mossy green fibers, and before she could even sigh from the relief of stepping on something soft for a change, her foot slipped and she tumbled into the water.

  When she came to the surface, she expected Jamie to be staring down, annoyed at her intrusion. Instead, he remained sleeping, her splash covered by the constant sound of waves assaulting the nearby rocks. Swimming to where his rock reached over the water, she was disappointed to find no foothold to help her climb to where he sat. Except for his feet. But of course, if she used his feet and legs to pull herself up, he would wake. Picturing the sight of his muscular body, taut stomach and gorgeous face above, maybe that wasn’t such a bad thing after all.

  She ran her fingers up and down his legs, as far up as the swell of the sea would allow her to reach. He instantly woke and leaned over the edge of the rock.

  She grinned up at him. “Didn’t think they had mermaids down here, did you?”

  He blinked sleepily. “Didn’t think they had mermaids anywhere. Especially ones with legs. And nice legs at that.”

  Her heart warmed. Perhaps he didn’t mind her intrusion.

  “Can I join you?”

  He glanced downward. “I’m not wearing anything.”

  “So?”

  “I didn’t want you to be surprised.”

  “I already knew you were naked.”

  He raised an eyebrow. “Oh, yeah?”

  She grinned mischievously. “I don’t mind if you don’t.”

  He reached down and pulled her up without so much as a grunt to show exertion. They stood facing each other, and he pushed her wet hair away from her eyes. Her skirt clung to her legs, hardly moved by the breeze that touched her wet skin.

  “I always come here to think.” He glanced down. “And get a little extra sun. I thought I was the only one who knew about this place until a few nights ago. How did you know I was out here?”

  “I didn’t. I was out walking. Thinking.”

  The orange rays of the sun reflected in his vivid blue eyes as they stared at her. The dreaminess had not yet left them.

  “What were you thinking about?”

  “You. And there you were.”

  They stood there for timeless moments, and she wished she could read the many things that passed through his mind and shone in his eyes. Then he closed them and pulled her close, and she moved her hands around his waist. She held back the sound of pleasure, closing her eyes and savoring the feel of his sun-warmed body against hers.

  Her heart pounded harder than the waves around them, her blood ran hotter than the rays of the sun that caressed them. Jamie held her face firmly in his grasp, tilting her chin up as he started kissing slowly across her jaw line. His lips crushed hers in a kiss of power and desire unleashed at last. His hands caressed her shoulders and down her back while his tongue drew a response in her soul akin to wildfire.

  She caressed the slick skin of his back, gliding downward. She could now physically appreciate the round, tight buttocks she had visually savored for so long. He groaned as her fingers snaked around to the front of his thighs, grazing the softer skin of what was pressed firmly against her.

  His kisses became furious, sucking away her breath and every trepidation. He slid her peasant blouse over her head, letting it fall to the rocks below. Her arms remained lifted as his fingertips grazed her breasts. He stopped to look at her for a second, taking a deep breath.

  “I forgot how beautiful you are.”

  With hardly enough time for her to catch her breath, he pulled her close again and kissed a trail of fire across her shoulders. His hair tickled against her cheek, silky as it twined around her fingers. Electric eels slithered beneath her skin, and her entire body crackled. He was tender, he was fierce. And oh, he was good. His tongue trailing across her tender skin made her gasp for air as she drowned in bliss.

  When he reached her waist, he slid her skirt down to her ankles, helping her to step out of the wet mass. But he didn’t stand again right away. Instead, he lingered below to nibble at the pale skin at her pelvis, to lick the utterly sensitive skin behind her knees, and make her realize how many erogenous zones there were on a human body.

  With every sound of pleasure she uttered, his pace increased, his intensity heightened. By the time he rose to take her into his arms, his fingers had found sweet success in a spot that drove her deliciously, crazily mad. It had never felt like this before, and she was sure it could never feel this way again, shattering, splitting into a thousand pieces of light.

  Hallie bent over his shoulder, taking his salty skin between her teeth and biting down as pleasure washed over her to the sounds of the surf.

  “P-please…Jamie!” she cried out, but he continued until she howled like a wolf.

  Only then did he swoop her into his arms and lower her to the cool, smooth surface of the rock, using her skirt as a pillow for her head. She marveled at how he could be so breathless, when it was she who was receiving such divine pleasure. His face was flushed red, his eyes intensely blue as they stared into hers.

  “It’s not fair to want a woman as much as I want you
,” he said hoarsely.

  But they didn’t talk about life’s fairness. She wanted to crawl beneath his skin and immerse herself in him. She would love him just as fiercely, and she was going to show him then just how much that was.

  He was mid-kiss when he gasped as she slid her fingers around his erection. His breath hitched in quick succession as she stroked and fondled down the length of him. She teased the tip to her own wetness, watching the muscles of his arms flex as he kept his balance over her. Taking her by surprise, he plunged down over her mouth at the same time as he plunged into her.

  Her own breath hitched this time, and then a feeling of completeness—and complete ecstasy. He murmured her name in between solid, smooth strokes that took her to the top of that mountain she had long ago associated with Jamie, up, up to touch the sun where it exploded.

  When she realized that the crashing sound around them was the waves and not her head, she ventured to open her eyes and make sure what had happened a short time ago had not been a dream. Not a dream the silky flesh her hand caressed, the strong body that held her tight against a chest that rose and fell in deep breaths. Reality lay in the blue eyes that studied her as she came to life again under his touch. And in the way he came to life again under hers.

  Sometime later, he put on his jean shorts and slipped his shirt on her, putting much more thought than necessary into buttoning her up.

  “What are you thinking about?” she ventured. Did she really want to know?

  When the last button was inserted, he stood back and appraised her. “It covers everything.” He draped her wet clothes over his arm, holding his other hand out for her.

  She took it, wrapping her fingers around his and holding on tight. He helped her across the rocks to the sand beyond and didn’t let go as they continued down the beach in silence.

  She stopped, pulling him up in front of her. “What’s wrong?”

  He thought for a moment before answering in a soft voice. “A long time ago…” He shook his head. “It seems like forever, but it was only a year ago. When we made love, I lost myself in you completely. I’d never had that with anyone else. It was like absolute, complete abandon, becoming only a part of you. Does that make sense?”

  She nodded but didn’t say anything for fear he would stop talking.

  “After a short while, all that was gone. When our marriage started falling apart, making love became merely sex, and then even that became non-existent. I made myself forget about how it once was, that it probably wouldn’t be like that with anyone else. I succeeded.”

  He looked down for a moment, and she let out the breath she didn’t realize she had been holding.

  “Since your collapse, you’ve been so different. I’ve wanted you again, but I don’t want to get close to you. You took me off guard just now, but I’m glad. It gave me the chance to see if I could lose myself again.”

  He paused, and she waited the agonizing seconds to hear whether it had been the same. After all, she was a different woman, even if she did have the former Hallie’s body. Finally she couldn’t stand it any longer.

  “Did you? Lose yourself?”

  He looked at her with such seriousness, and her heart dropped. It couldn’t be the same.

  “More than before. And, Hallie…it scares the hell out of me.”

  He resumed walking back to the house. He didn’t say another word, but that her hand was still tucked in his was a good sign.

  Her heart swelled at his words: More than before.

  She looked over at him, his gaze out at sea.

  I lost myself, too, Jamie. I feel the same fear you do. I’m not going to let it hold me back from loving you. I hope you won’t either.

  CHAPTER 14

  “Who’s Alan?”

  Hallie’s eyes widened at Jamie’s question, asked so casually as soon as she woke up. His expression was blank, carefully controlled.

  “Alan?”

  Jamie was stretched out beside her, his head propped up by his hand. The white sheet was twisted around his waist, making him look more modest than he actually was. All she wanted to do was crawl up next to him and wish away the question he’d just asked. And the reason he knew Alan’s name at all.

  “You screamed out his name in your sleep.”

  She licked her lips and swallowed harder than she had intended. “I don’t remember doing that.”

  “You were asleep.”

  “I mean, I don’t remember having a dream about an Alan. I don’t know any Alans.” She touched his cheek. “Are you sure I wasn’t screaming out your name?”

  “Yes.”

  His blue eyes looked frosty, his mouth a thin line. Her heart dropped a few inches. How could she tell him about Alan? Surely she wasn’t having a sexual dream about him. She hadn’t even slept with the guy. Thank goodness. She remembered the dream where Alan pleaded, “Please…” It made her shiver.

  Jamie suddenly yanked her close and kissed her fiercely. Gone was the gentleness. Was he testing her? When he rolled her onto her back and crouched over her, she saw no love or trust in his eyes. Only anger. She placed her palms against his hard chest and held him at bay.

  “No, Jamie.”

  He leaned down as close as her hands would allow. “What’s wrong?”

  “Not this way.”

  He fell away and sat cross-legged on the bed next to her, glaring at her in a way harsher than before. His voice took on that flat tone that made her heart feel pinched.

  “Because of your dream?” he asked.

  “No, because of your reaction to it. Don’t use sex to make a point.”

  “Is that all it is to you? Sex? Sex?”

  She tried to hide the smallest smile that threatened to creep in at the wrong time. “Was it more to you?”

  “What was it to you, Hallie?”

  “We did not have sex, we made love. You’ve been holding back. You still don’t trust me.”

  “No.”

  His blatant admission prickled her. “I don’t want to make love with you anymore. Until you’re sure.”

  He narrowed his eyes at her. “How can I be sure when you’re calling out some guy’s name in your sleep?”

  She leaned forward into his face. “Because you have to trust me, not the woman you married, but me. Until you’re able to give all of yourself and not just the parts that don’t carry a risk, I don’t want to make love with you.”

  She yanked the sheets away and, covering herself, walked into the bathroom.

  He flopped onto his back and muttered, “Cover hog.”

  Well, at least Jamie had taken her up on one offer. She spent the day in his office logging a mountain of paid bills into the computer. He had made himself scarce all day, making repairs on a few of the bungalows down by the beach. She turned off the PC, feeling good for pulling her weight at Caterina. Would Jamie be home, or would he make himself scarce until bedtime like the last two nights?

  The fragrance of orchids mixed with the woodsy cologne of someone recently in the area. The sound of a squawking parrot clashed with the soft calypso music. The eastern sky was a violet blue, long abandoned by the sun. She followed the lighted path until it became sand and led the way home. The house was dark, causing her heart to falter. Another evening alone wondering where Jamie was.

  She was greeted by a seductive beat as music drifted through the darkened rooms. She stepped through the walkway that led to the bedroom. Her heartbeat quickened when she saw the flicker of candlelight against the far wall. But the bedroom was empty.

  She walked quietly into the bathroom and turned the corner. She opened her mouth to say something, but all she could do was smile. Twenty candles flickered around the huge marble tub, where Jamie sat—in a tubful of green M&M’s! A bottle of champagne sat in a wooden bucket of ice, and next to that two glasses filled with more green M&M’s. He grinned, then grabbed one of the glasses and held it up.

  “Get the hint?”

  She bit her bottom lip and walked towa
rd the tub. Her gaze swept from the champagne glasses to the hundreds of green M&M’s that covered everything but his head, chest and knees. She wanted to laugh; she wanted to cry. But most of all, she wanted to get into that tub with him.

  She slipped out of her clothes and walked up to the tub. He pulled her in, and she fell into his lap. Before she could say anything, he gave her an M&M kiss. Then he leaned forward and popped the top off the champagne.

  “Where in the world did you come up…” She merely looked at the tub.

  “They say if you want to let someone know you trust them and want them without a shadow of a doubt, you give them green M&M’s. Or maybe it’s for making them horny. I don’t know, but I figured, either way, you’d get the idea.”

  “Oh, Jamie…”

  He kissed the words right out of her mouth. Then he handed her a glass with enough M&M’s in it to make the champagne green.

  Clink! “Here’s to you and me and the green monster.” He growled into her neck, then took a swig of champagne. She drank and accidentally swallowed an M&M, barely containing the cough that threatened to erupt. She straddled his waist, and he leaned her backward and kissed down her neck, collarbone, and then her breast.

  “You know we’re going to be all green after this,” she said.

  “Yeah, like finger painting.” He demonstrated by rubbing a champagne moistened candy into a smile face on her chest. “But just think how much fun we’ll have trying to wash the color off each other later.

  “Mm, you’re right.” She glanced wickedly down, then started kissing down the middle of his chest, down his stomach to the fine hairline pointing south. She lifted her glass in toast again, then dribbled it down his stomach. Leaning to lick it off, she said, “Here’s to the green monster.”

  Hallie woke a few hours later on the bed, intertwined with Jamie’s warm body. The candles had died down while they napped. She didn’t need light to know that he had a green smudge across his cheek and a lot of other places. They had scrubbed most of it off in the shower, but she’d put more on him afterward.