The New York City Bartender's Joke Book

by Jimmy Pritchard

  If the mating call for a blonde is “I’m so drunk,”

  what is the mating call for an ugly blonde?

  “I said, I’m drunk!”

  What job function does a blonde have

  in an M&M’s factory?

  Proofreading.

  Why did the blonde get fired from the

  M&M’s factory?

  She kept throwing out the W’s.

  Why are blonde jokes so short?

  So brunettes can remember them.

  The bar is three deep, I’m in the weeds, and Jill, my partner at the time, strolls over to me as if we’re alone and tells me this joke, yelling the punch line at the top of her lungs. Needless to say, no one got a drink for the next ten minutes, we were laughing so hard!

  Two nuns are driving down the road. They turn a corner and see a naked man standing in the middle of the road. The nun that’s driving steps on the brakes and the car stops in front of the guy. She beeps the horn a little but the man doesn’t move. She beeps a little longer and the guy still doesn’t move. She leans on the horn and the guy doesn’t even blink.

  “What should I do?” she asks the nun in the passenger seat.

  “Why don’t you show him your cross?” the other nun replies.

  The nun rolls down her window, sticks her head out and yells angrily, “Get the fuck out of the road!”

  A professor is conducting a study of the paranormal. He randomly sends out five thousand invitations for a seminar on paranormal behavior, and out of the five thousand, he receives two thousand favorable responses.

  He gets all the people into an assembly hall and asks, “How many of you here have seen a ghost?”

  Surprisingly, most of the people raise their hands.

  “How many of you here,” he continues, “have talked to a ghost?”

  Only a few hands are raised.

  “Has anyone here,” the professor asks, “had sex with a ghost?”

  No hands are raised, except for one old man way in the back of the hall, who puts his hand up.

  “You mean to tell me, sir,” asks the professor, “that you have actually had sex with a ghost?”

  “Ghost?” says the old man. “Forget it, I thought you said, ‘Goat’!”

  A recent Physical Education graduate accepts a job to start and coach a swim team for a small college. None of the students are interested, so he puts a want ad in the local paper for swimming tryouts.

  The next day, there is a knock on the coach’s office door. He opens it and sees a man with no arms standing there.

  “Can I help you?” asks the coach.

  “I’m here to try out for the swim team,” says the guy with no arms.

  “I’m sorry,” the coach apologizes, “but I need able-bodied swimmers.”

  “The ad says ‘equal opportunity,’ and I want a tryout!” demands the no-armed man.

  To get it over with, the coach and the no-armed man head down to the Olympic-size swimming pool. The armless man jumps in and starts swimming using a beautiful dolphin kick. The coach pulls out a stopwatch and sees that the man with no arms is beating the times of bigger colleges in the state! He immediately signs the no-armed man and tells him to send anyone else he might know who swims.

  The next day, the coach gets a knock on his office door, and when he opens it a man in a wheel-chair, without legs, says, “I’m here for a tryout.”

  “I’m sorry—” the coach starts to say, but he is interrupted by the guy in the wheelchair. “My friend without arms told me to come for a tryout, and I’m better than he is!”

  The coach wheels him down to the pool and the legless man slides off his wheelchair and slips into the pool, where he does a beautiful Australian crawl. The coach pulls out his stopwatch and sees that the guy with no legs is beating the time of the guy with no arms! He signs him on too, and tells him to send any friends that swim.

  The next day, the coach is down at the pool office when he hears a knock on the door and opens it. He sees no one. But just as he is closing the door he hears a voice say, “Down here!” He looks down and sees a head. No body, just a head. “Can I help you?” he asks.

  “I’m here to try out for the swim team,” says the head.

  “You’ve got to be kidding!” says the coach.

  “Hey, my friend with no legs sent me, and I’m better than he is!” says the head.

  “All right, all right,” says the coach as he picks up the head and goes to the edge of the pool. “Ready?” he asks the head.

  “Ready,” says the head.

  The coach drops the head in the water and it sinks to the bottom. He watches the head, but it doesn’t move, only bubbles from it rise to the surface.

  A minute goes by and the coach notices that the head is turning blue. Quickly he jumps in the water, grabs the bead, brings it up, and places it on the side of the pool. “Are you all right?” he asks the coach. “What the hell happened?”

  The head coughs, spits out water, and says, “What a hell of a time for a cramp!”

  A grasshopper hops into a bar, looks around, and hops up on the bar counter. The bartender looks at the grasshopper and says, “There’s a drink named after you.”

  The grasshopper looks at the bartender and says. “There’s a drink named Fred?”

  How do you make a dog drink?

  Put it in a blender.

  A wino is stumbling down the street with one foot on the sidewalk and the other in the gutter. A cop pulls up and says to him, “I’m taking you in. You are obviously drunk.”

  “Offisher, are ya absholutely sure I’m drunk?” asks the wino.

  “Yeah, I’m sure,” says the cop. “Now let’s go.”

  Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino says, “Thank goodnesh, I thought I was crippled!”

  Two old guys bump into each other on the street. The first old guy says, “How is everything?”

  The second old guy says, “Everything is great. I just bought a new hearing aid. It’s high-tech, top-of-the-line, and very expensive.”

  “What kind is it?” asks the first old guy.

  “It’s four-thirty,” says the second guy, looking at his watch.

  What do you call a woman who always knows

  where her husband is?

  A widow.

  Why does a woman get her period once a month?

  Because she deserves it.

  How do you get a man to do sit-ups?

  Put the TV remote control between his toes.

  Why doesn’t psychotherapy work on men?

  They don’t have to go back to their childhood.

  A husband and wife are scuba diving and they get separated. The husband searches frantically until he runs out of air. He calls the Coast Guard and they immediately begin searching for her.

  Two days later, the Coast Guard calls the husband and the captain says, “We’ve found your wife, but there’s some good news and some bad news.”

  Bracing himself, the husband asks, “What’s the bad news?”

  “She’s dead,” says the captain. “What the hell is the good news?” cries the husband.

  “Well,” says the captain, “When we pulled her out of the water, she had three good-sized lobsters and seven crabs attached to her gear.”

  “What’s so good about that?” demands the husband.

  “We are going to bring her up again tomorrow!” says the captain.

  A male crab and a female lobster are dating, but they are hiding it from their parents because of the obvious reasons. Eventually the lobster gets tired of all the secrecy and she tells her father, who is furious and forbids her to see the crab again.

  “But why can’t I see the crab again? We’re in love!” the lobster cries.

  “Because,” says the father, trying to search for a plausible answer, “crabs walk sideways and we walk straight!”

  “Please, Father,” she begs. “Just meet him once and I’m sure you will change your mind.”

  The father finally
agrees to meet the crab and she runs out to tell him the good news.

  The crab is so excited that he practices walking straight. He practices and practices and practices until, finally, he can walk straight. He walks all the way to the lobster’s house as straight as he can.

  The father sees him coming and yells to his daughter, “Hey, here comes that crab and he’s drunk!”

  What do you call a fish with no eye?

  Fsh.

  Remember when you were a kid and you

  used to blow bubbles?

  I saw him yesterday and he says hello.

  If you are having sex with two women and one

  more woman walks in, what do you have?

  Divorce proceedings.

  A stockbroker is busted for inside trading, convicted, and sent to prison. As he gets to his cell, his worst fear is there to greet him. His cellmate, a six-foot-five, three-hundred-pound black man, says, “You want to be the husband or do you want to be the wife?”

  The stockbroker weighs the options. He figures it is better to give than to receive so he says, “I’ll be the husband.”

  The six-foot-five, three-hundred-pound sweaty black man says, “Then why don’t you be a good husband and suck your wife’s dick!”

  In Maine, Moosehead is a beer. In West Virginia, it’s a misdemeanor.

  What’s Ebonic for transvestite?

  Susan B. Anthony.

  What is a Jewish woman’s dream house?

  Seven rooms, no kitchen, no bedroom.

  What’s pink and hard in the morning?

  The Financial Times crossword puzzle.

  A scratch golfer hits his ball three hundred yards straight down the fairway, and it hits a sprinkler and careens off into the woods. He finds the ball, but it is surrounded by trees. He’s pissed, says what the hell, grabs his nine-iron, and hits the ball as hard as he can. It bounces off a tree back at the golfer’s head and kills him.

  He arrives in heaven, and God himself is at the Pearly Gates to greet him. Looking up his records, God sees that the guy golfs and says, “Are you any good?”

  The golfer looks at God and says, “I got here in two, didn’t I?”

  How do you know when you are a loser?

  When a nymphomaniac says,

  “Let’s just be friends.”

  What’s the difference between a woman

  and a battery?

  A battery always has a positive side.

  What does a man consider a seven-course meal?

  A hot dog and a six-pack of beer.

  Three guys are interviewing for one job. Now, the boss doesn’t have any ears and decides to hire the first person who doesn’t say anything about it. After the first interview, he asks, “Do you notice anything odd about me?”

  The first guy is rude and says, “Yeah, you don’t have any fucking ears.”

  The boss says, “Send in the next applicant on your way out.”

  After the second guy interviews, the boss asks the same question: “Do you notice anything odd about me?”

  The second guy is polite and says, “Well, sir, I notice that, through some affliction, you are missing your ears.”

  The boss says, “Thank you, send in the next applicant.”

  On the way out, the second guy says to the third guy, “Whatever you do, don’t say anything about his ears.”

  After the third guy gives a great interview, the boss asks, “Do you notice anything odd about me?”

  “Yes, I do,” says the third guy. “You are wearing contact lenses.”

  The boss says, “Very good, you are hired. By the way, how did you know I’m wearing contacts?”

  “Because,” the third guy says, “if you had any ears, you would be wearing fucking glasses!”

  I’m taking a flight out of La Guardia to Tampa so I can visit with my friend Hutch and his family for a long weekend. I have to connect in Memphis, and I learn when I get there that the connecting flight to Tampa is delayed by one hour.

  So what do I do? Being a good bartender, I find the nearest bar. It is late, no one is in the bar but me and the bartender, and she is slowly (union job) getting ready to close. I have about forty-five minutes, she says.

  So I’m sitting there, eating some peanuts that are in bowls along the bar and listening to soft music as I watch soundless TV, drinking a beer, with another on ice—ready when I am.

  Out of nowhere, I hear a voice say, “Hey, nice shirt.” I turn around to see where the voice came from, but no one is there. The bartender is in the corner stacking glasses, the music is low, and no sound is coming from the TV, so I figure that either I’m hearing things, or my fun times from the sixties are catching up with me.

  I continue to eat more peanuts, drink the other beer that was on ice, listen to soft music, and watch soundless TV. Then the same voice says, “Hey, nice shoes.”

  Now, I know I heard that! Again, no one is around. It didn’t come from the low music, it didn’t come from the soundless TV, and the bartender is still in the corner stacking glasses. I call her over and ask, “Did you say something to me?”

  “No, I didn’t say anything to you,” she says. “What happened?”

  “Well,” I say, “someone said, ‘Nice shirt,’ and a few minutes later the same voice said, ‘Nice shoes.’ I was wondering if you said it.”

  “Oh,” she says, “I know what it was.”

  “What was it?” I ask, hoping I wasn’t having a senior moment early in my young life.

  “It’s the peanuts,” she says with a smile. “They’re complimentary.”

  The Carrot family are having a fun day in Central Park. They leave the park at dusk to go home and as they cross 5th Avenue, a cab goes out of control and hits the father carrot. An ambulance arrives and takes him off to the hospital, followed by his family.

  After five hours of surgery, the doctor comes out to speak with the mother carrot.

  “How is he? Will he live?” asks the mother carrot.

  “He’ll live,” says the doctor, “but he’ll be a vegetable for the rest of his life.”

  Why don’t cannibals eat clowns?

  Because they taste funny.

  Two cannibals are deciding how to divide and eat a dead guy. The first cannibal says, “O.K., I’ve got it. I’ll start at the head and work my way down. You start at the toes and work your way up, and we’ll meet in the middle at the belly button. That should divide the food evenly and fairly.”

  After a few minutes, the first cannibal asks the second cannibal, “How are you doing?”

  The second cannibal says, “I’m having a ball!”

  The first cannibal says, “Hey, slow down! You’re eating too fast!”

  What did the cannibal get when he was

  late for dinner?

  The cold shoulder.

  Did you hear about the cannibal that ordered a pizza with everybody on it?

  How about the cannibal’s recipe book? How to Serve Your Fellow Man.

  After the St. Patrick’s Day Parade, a drunk staggers down 5th Avenue, lurches into St. Patrick’s Cathedral and sways down the aisle, bumping into pew after pew. Finally, he stumbles into the confessional. A priest, who has been watching him, figures that he needs help and enters the other side of the confessional. “How may I help you, my son?” he asks.

  Silence from the other side.

  The priest asks again, “May I help you, my son?”

  “Yeah,” comes the drunk’s voice from behind the partition. “You got any toilet paper on your side?”

  Why is there a St. Paddy’s Day Parade?

  So a half a million Jews can watch

  the help go by.

  What do you call a wandering nun?

  A Roman Catholic.

  The Last Supper. Jesus looks at his disciples and says, “Soon, one of you will betray me.”

  All the disciples look at one another in shock. Paul asks, “Is it me, Jesus? Will I betray you?”

  “No, Paul,” Jesus says. �
��It is not you.”

  Matthew asks, “Is it me, Jesus? Will I betray you?”

  “No, Matthew, it is not you,” Jesus answers.

  John asks the same question. “Is it me, Jesus, will I betray you?”

  “No, John,” Jesus says. “It is not you.”

  All the rest of the disciples ask the same question, Judas being the last one. “Is it me, Jesus?” he asks.

  In a mocking, high-pitched voice, Jesus answers, “Is it me, Jesus, is it me, Jesus…?”

  Or how about this one…

  Jesus and his disciples have just finished the Last Supper. The head waiter comes over and hands the bill to Jesus, who passes it to the nearest disciple. The disciple in turn passes the bill to the one next to him, and this continues until it reaches Judas.

  Judas takes one look at the bill and says, “Shit! Where am I supposed to get thirty silver pieces?”

  What happened to Jesus when he went

  to Mount Olive?

  Popeye beat the shit out of him.

  A Southern Baptist minister finds out that the town drunk has never been baptized. He gathers the townspeople together, grabs the drunk, and they all head to the river. There, the minister says a few words and dunks the head of the drunk into the water for ten seconds. Pulling the drunk’s head out of the water, the minister asks, “Have you found Jesus?”

  The drunk coughs and says, “No!”

  The minister dunks his head again for twenty seconds, pulls him up, and asks again, “Have you found Jesus?”

  The drunk coughs a couple of times and says, “No!”

  Undaunted, the minister dunks the drunk’s head in the water and holds him under for a whole minute. Finally, he pulls the drunk’s head out of the water and asks, “Have you found Jesus!?”