Have Mercy

by Siobhán Béabhar

  "Hold on." Craft glanced at the bill, opened his jacket and removed his wallet. Pulling out a wad of cash, he made a grand show of counting out the bills. "You can take this with you," he said, handing the book with the cash inside to the waiter. "Keep the change, son."

  The waiter accepted the black book. "Have a good evening," he said before leaving the table.

  "You ready, Carol?" Craft asked.

  She hedged as she looked in my direction.

  "I'm fine," I said. "You two go ahead. I'll make my own way home."

  Craft stood up and reached his hand out to Red. She smiled at me, placing her hand in his. "Call me if you need anything," she said as she left the table.

  I waved her away. All of this chatter when all I wanted to do was consume my cake. I looked at the General. He had already eaten half of his. As I lifted my fork to my mouth, my eyes connected with his.

  "It's damn good," he said, pointing at the cake.

  I took a bite. Immediately, I dropped the fork and began to push the plate away. "This is sinful. Too sinful. I shouldn't."

  He laughed. "You better eat your dessert."

  "You know, if your friend was here, I'm sure he would have something filthy to say," I said as I resumed eating.

  "John's a special case," the General agreed, sipping his water.

  "The Admiral mentioned that you're from Georgia. Whereabouts?"

  The General lowered his hand back to the table. There was a tick in his jaw, but his lips curled, mimicking a smile.

  "I'm sorry if that was a personal question," I added. "My husband was from Georgia. A little place called Dublin."

  His face lit up. "I know Dublin. My mom's mom was from there. I grew up in Macon," he gushed.

  I laughed, feeling joy at this shared experience. "My husband and I lived in Macon. That's where we had our first house together."

  "What a small world," said the General.

  "It is indeed," I agreed, taking the last bite of my dessert. I worried for a moment, thinking about the people I knew back in Georgia. I hadn't seen them in years, and I doubted that the General would be mentioning to anyone that he met an escort who used to live in Macon.

  I set my plate aside, finished with my meal. Did that mean our date was over? Red told me during our ride to the restaurant that Craft was paying for the evening. Not just for dinner, but for my time spent with the General.

  "So what happens now?" he asked me.

  "To be truthful? I'm not sure." I gave him a sad smile, as I felt unsure about how to proceed. Red advised me to let him set the pace and to follow his lead.

  "Let's start with leaving the table, shall we?" he joked. I started to stand, but he said, "Please allow me."

  I waited as he stepped behind me to pull the chair out. Standing up, I smoothed the sides of my dress. I folded my arm through his and we walked out of the dining room.

  His steps slowed once we returned to the lobby. He placed his hand over mine and moved away from my side. We stood there, holding hands.

  "I have a room upstairs."

  I licked my lips. Was this something I could do? Was it something I wanted to do? I was attracted to the General. He reminded me so much of Moses that I knew it shouldn't be hard for me to have sex with him. I felt self-conscious. My hands were growing sweaty, so I pulled mine away from his.

  "Okay," I whispered.

  He stepped closer to me, resting his hand at the small of my back. "Okay."

  CHAPTER FIFTEEN

  I heard the elevator doors open behind us. The General unlocked the hotel room door and pushed me inside, shutting the door before the other elevator occupants could see us. He moved to the window, pulling the curtains closed. A quiet buzzing sound filled the room as he switched on the air conditioner.

  Rubbing his hands over his face, he looked at me through his fingers. His arms fell to his side, and he turned away and began to pull the sweater over his head. Unsure of myself, I placed my purse down on the TV stand and slid my feet from my pumps. I was unzipping my dress when I remembered my sex life with Moses.

  It likely hadn't been the most imaginative in the world, but it had been satisfying. I had liked looking at Moses and he had liked looking at me. That had increased our arousal.

  The General didn't look at me. He sat on the edge of the bed and removed his socks. He unbuckled his belt and stood to unbutton his pants. Finally down to his underwear, he looked at me. I tried to strike a seductive pose, arching my back and cocking my hip.

  "Are you okay?" he asked.

  "Maybe?" I said, trying to sound suggestive.

  "Did you pull your back or something?"

  I relaxed. I guess I needed to work on seductive poses. "I'm fine."

  He nodded, turning away from me again. Needing my own moment of privacy, I walked into the bathroom and shut the door behind me. I didn't want to turn the light on. I was too afraid to see myself in the mirror. I wiggled out of my dress, letting it fall around my feet.

  I was being a coward, hiding there in the bathroom. I was waiting for him to come to his senses and let us both escape this misery. I took a deep breath and opened the bathroom door.

  Stepping into the bedroom, I was wearing only my lacy black bra and panties. He stood with his back to the window. He wore a pair of green silk boxer shorts and a white undershirt. His arms and legs were lean and toned. He was developing a small paunch around his middle.

  "You're very beautiful," he said.

  Pleased, I smiled. "So are you."

  "Really?" he asked, his face brightening.

  "Yes." I smiled. "You remind me of my husband."

  "Oh." The brightness evaporated.

  I didn't say anything else. I was fairly positive that whatever came out of my mouth would only make the moment even more strange. I walked towards him, but he stepped to the bed. He sat down, scooting back to the headboard.

  I stood at the foot of the bed. I wasn't ready to join him, yet. But I felt like an ass, just standing there, doing nothing. I began to unclasp my bra.

  "You don't have to do that, if you don't want to," he said.

  I peeked up at him. "What?"

  "You can keep your bra and panties on if you want," he said.

  "Won't that be weird?" I asked. "I thought men liked to look at breasts?"

  He glanced towards my breasts and then dropped his gaze to the bed. "We do. I just don't want you to do anything that makes you uncomfortable," he said, pushing the covers back.

  It was a pivotal moment for me. I felt like snatching up my clothing and running out of the hotel. I stomped down the impulse. This was the life I had chosen. I simply needed to gain control of my emotions. "It's fine. I don't mind. I mean, you can play with them, if you like," I said, trying to appear calm. Unhooking my bra, I tossed it aside. "Watch this," I said as I flexed my left breast.

  He laughed. "That's some talent."

  "I know. It took me years to isolate that muscle. I can't get my right one to move." Crawling onto the bed, I felt vulnerable as my old, saggy breasts began to sway with my movements.

  I sat next to the General, waiting for him to initiate something. Anything. His eyes were locked on a spot over my shoulder. I shifted so I could lie down next to him. I focused on the fire alarm on the ceiling.

  "Do you have any condoms?" he asked.

  "Yes. Yes, I do," I said, leaping from the bed. I walked over to the TV stand, picked up my purse and grabbed the condoms from inside. Feeling exposed from moving around the room without a bra, I covered my breasts with my arm. "Do you mind if I turn the overhead light off?"

  "No, please do," he murmured.

  I switched the light off. The darkness would make it easier to imagine that I was having sex with Moses. Blanketed by darkness, I dropped my arm. I moved through the shadowy room, returning to the bed.

  I heard him shift. Our bodies collided when I climbed onto the bed. "I'm sorry."

  "No, that was my fault," he responded. "I was trying to get comf
ortable."

  I settled onto the bed and waited for his next move. The mattress bounced as he moved, and I listened as he removed the last of his clothing. I pushed my panties down my legs and tossed them in the direction of my bra.

  His fingers brushed across my breasts. I thought it was intentional until he said, "I'm really sorry about that."

  "It's fine. Like I said, you can play with them."

  He took my breasts into his hands, cupping them briefly before letting his hands fall away. I sank down into the pillows and he climbed on top of me. I spread my legs as I felt his skin brush against mine. His hand went in between our bodies and I heard him roll on a condom.

  I sucked in my breath when I felt his penis touch against my...that place down there. I tensed, waiting for him to enter me. I tried conjuring up an image of Moses on top of me. It didn't come.

  The General didn't thrust inside me. He didn't enter me at all. Nothing happened. He poked his penis at my entrance but he didn't slide into me.

  "Fuck," he said, moving off me.

  "I will once you get started."

  There was silence. Then I began to laugh. I heard him chuckle as he flopped onto the bed.

  "I don't think that I can do this," he said through the darkness.

  "Do you need me to do something?" I asked, dreading his answer. I was in over my head. I didn't know how to proceed with a moment like this. Moses and I would have fallen over each other with laughter. I didn't think the General would appreciate that.

  "No, um, I am not sure if that will help."

  "We could try a blow-job," I said.

  "I'm sorry, but I don't think I can do that either."

  I reached out to touch him, but he recoiled from my fingers.

  "I get it," I said. "I bet it's a bit strange to pay for sex."

  The bed squeaked and bounced as he moved. "That's not it, Mercy." I waited, hoping he would explain. "It's just that...Well, I haven't been with any other woman since my wife."

  "When did she pass?"

  He snorted. "She's not dead. She left me six months ago."

  My eyebrows shot towards my hairline. "Is she out of her mind?"

  "Yes. Maybe. She said she finally came to accept herself."

  "What does that mean?"

  "She left me for another woman."

  I covered my mouth to smother any sound. I pressed my lips together, as I didn't want any flippant remarks to slip out.

  "We were married for forty years. She decided to become a lesbian at the age of sixty. Can you believe it?" The pain in his voice cut through the darkness.

  "I'm sorry," I said, meaning the words.

  He began sniffling, but it soon escalated into gut-wrenching sobs. I reached out and took this powerful man into my arms as he cried. He babbled. He blubbered on my boob. I'd rather he played with them, but it was what it was.

  I caressed his back, feeling the strong currents of emotion pass through his body. I grabbed the sheet and wiped his face. "Do you feel better?" It was a stupid question, but I didn't know what else to say.

  "What happened to your husband?"

  "He died three years ago."

  "What brought you to this? I mean, you know, the job?" he asked.

  I didn't want to answer his question, but I sensed that he needed to talk. I think what attracted us to each other was the mutual sense of loneliness.

  "I don't know how to explain, really. I guess you can say I grew restless. My husband died three years ago, but it's been a really long time since I've been with a man," I admitted.

  "You wanted companionship? Why not try a dating website? They have personals for people our age, you know."

  "Why didn't you?" I threw back at him.

  "I was afraid of being rejected," he said. "It's not easy like it used to be. I don't think I know what women want anymore. Obviously I didn't know what my wife wanted."

  "Eh. That's a bit different."

  "I know. My head understands that, but my heart, my soul, well, they don't agree," he responded. "John told me I needed a confidence boost. He said I should get a hooker because she won't say 'no.' I'm sorry. No offense to you."

  "It's fine."

  "No. It isn't fine. I shouldn't have said that. You're a fine lady. I just don't understand why you would want to do this type of thing," he said. "You're the type of woman that should be wooed. You're not someone to be thrown away after a night of sex."

  I should have thanked him for his words, but if I opened my mouth, I would have fallen into his arms, babbling and wailing. For a long time, I didn't think of myself as a woman. It was nice to be seen as one.

  I felt his fingers brush across my skin. His hand curled around my shoulder and he pulled me into his embrace. We sat there in the dark, holding each other, curing our mutual loneliness.

  "I hope you won't be offended, but I think I just want to sleep," he said through my hair.

  The top of my head bumped against his chin as I nodded. "That sounds ideal to me."

  He pulled away from me and moved to crawl under the covers. He held them so I could slide underneath them. I turned my back to him and he rested his hand on my waist. I pushed my hand under the pillow as we spooned.

  We were naked in bed, holding each other. It had been a really long time since I had felt intimacy. This wasn't sexual. We just enjoyed the feeling of another person lying next to us. I imagined he was Moses, and I'm sure he imagined I was his wife.

  ***

  I felt someone shaking me, but I wasn't ready to wake up. "Come on, Mercy, we need to check out," said the voice.

  I reluctantly opened my eyes and looked towards the General. He was dressed and holding my black lace underwear. Tossing the sheets from my body, I snatched my underwear from his grasp. "Do I have time for a shower?"

  "A quick one," he chuckled, turning away from my naked body. I ran into the bathroom and slammed the door. I switched on the light and studied myself in the mirror. Last night was the first time that I had slept beside a man other than Moses, and I saw nothing different in my appearance.

  I didn't see guilt or shame. I had been paid to sleep with someone; we hadn't had sex, but it was still quite intimate. I didn't feel embarrassed and the strangeness had lifted. All I could see was contentment. Not quite happiness, but definitely satisfaction. I turned on the water and cleansed my body.

  That's all it was. A simple shower. I wasn't washing away any sins or trying to scrub the feel of another man off of my skin. I smiled as I turned the water off and dried my body. My dress was on top of the sink. Last night, I had tossed it into a corner. The General must have picked it up and folded it for me. I brushed my teeth with the spare travel toothbrush, and then I splashed water on my face.

  Taking a deep breath, I prepared myself for the new life that I had just begun. Opening the door, I found him standing there with a wad of cash in his hand.

  "Here," he said. "I hope this is enough."

  I looked at the money, feeling my glow diminish. I pushed his arm down and said, "Don't worry about it. Admiral Craft paid already." I moved around him and walked into the bedroom. I slid my feet into my shoes and grabbed my purse.

  He walked towards me, his hand stretched out. "No, please take the money. You deserve it. Consider it a tip, I guess."

  I turned my back on him. I wasn't thrilled about accepting his money. It stripped away the connection we'd made. I plucked the money from his hand. In a moment of crassness, I counted it while he stood there. Two hundred dollars. "Thanks," I said, pushing the money into my bra. "I'm ready, Truman."

  "I've offended you, haven't I?"

  "No. You didn't. I just wasn't expecting to see you outside of the bathroom door," I lied.

  Smiling sadly, he dropped his gaze. "I don't believe you, but that's okay." He moved around me and walked to the door. Opening it, he motioned for me to walk before him.

  The elevator doors opened and a young couple stepped out. I tensed, expecting the General to shove me back i
nto the hotel room, shielding the couple from my tainted presence. Instead, he intertwined his fingers with mine, and we walked down the hallway, smiling as we strolled past the couple.

  We entered the elevator, holding hands and enjoying the mutual silence. My previous annoyance evaporated once his thumb began drawing circles over my skin. Side by side, our eyes locked on the elevator doors in front of us.

  "I think I would like to see you again," he said, his voice soft and unsure.

  I fidgeted. I fought the urge to ask if he wanted to see Mercy the woman or Mercy the prostitute. I didn't know what he meant, so I stayed silent, hoping that he would elaborate.

  The elevator doors opened and we stepped out into the lobby. There were business travelers checking into their hotel rooms and families waiting for shuttles to the airport. We stood there, avoiding each other's gaze, but our fingers were entwined.

  We walked to the taxi stand, and the concierge asked, "Where to, sir?"

  "Can we get two taxis? One for the lady and one for myself?" the General asked.

  The concierge looked at the General and then she scrutinized me. The sour look on her face conveyed her comprehension of the situation. Nodding his head towards me, the General said, "Ladies first."

  "If the lady would follow me," said the concierge as she hailed a cab.

  The General released my hand and opened the door of the taxi. I crawled into the backseat and he closed the door behind me. I rolled down the window and said, "I'll look forward to seeing you again."

  "It was a pleasure, Mercy," he said, a secretive smile on his face. He tapped the door, and the driver pulled onto the road. I hugged myself, recalling the feel of his arms around me.

  Not bad for a first time. Shit. I even got two hundred bucks.

  CHAPTER SIXTEEN

  As I paid the taxi driver, I heard the front door open. I stepped back as the cab drove away, and I watched as Red and Penelope stepped out onto the porch.

  "See. I told you she was fine," Red threw over her shoulder as she descended the steps. Wrapping the shawl around her body, Penelope glared at Red and stormed down the steps after her.