by Shae Mills
Stose nodded slowly. “Yes, my Lady. He has had several thorough exams. He is all that he ever was, other than his arm, of course.”
Chelan sighed with relief and then pressed on. “Now then, what about mentally?”
“I am afraid I do not understand.”
“Oh, Stose... The man avoids everyone like the plague, especially me. Korba and I are at a complete loss as to what to make of it. And quite simply, he is driving me mad.”
Stose’s lip quirked. “Well, he is mentally sound, my Lady, but...”
Chelan braced herself. “But what?”
Stose hesitated, reassessing the situation he now found himself in. “My Lady, please. My conversations with the Commander are...”
Chelan tipped forward in her chair toward the doctor, clasping his hands in hers. “Stose, you and I go back way too far. You nursed me through heaven and hell. You have always been there for me. Please, you must enlighten me. You know my feelings for Dar. And this is important for Jason’s sake also, not just mine. So unless Dar has amnesia, surely he has not forgotten about his connections with all of us.” She hesitated. “And especially his connection with me...,” she whispered almost shyly.
“Oh, my Lady,” Stose said softly. “It is quite the opposite. In fact, being on the ship with you is torturing him.”
Chelan released Stose and sat back in dismay. “What?”
“My Lady, he wants you as badly as ever. His memories of his time with you are burned into his heart so indelibly, he smells the searing flesh. He has not forgotten.”
“Then, is it Korba?”
“Only partly. He knows you will not leave his Lordship now. His only choice is to share you, and he struggles with that.”
“But he is considering it?”
“Yes, my Lady. He is not a fool. But right now, he loves you vicariously through your son. His time with Jason is healing and very precious.”
“You said Korba is only part of the problem. What is the other part?”
“You.”
Chelan sank into her chair as though it were a cocoon. “Me?” she whispered.
“He fears you will not fully accept him in his present state.”
Chelan bristled. “That is ludicrous,” she whispered harshly. “He knows my love for him is much deeper than that. He knows that nothing I feel for him is superficial. I am not a shallow person.” Chelan closed her eyes and collected herself. “He knows he is every bit the man to me now as he was before. God, if he lost both arms and legs, I would still love him with all my heart.”
Stose nodded. “He has been alone with himself for a long time, Chelan. Much has happened to him. And you know our culture and the value we put on perfection. He had to harden his heart to survive both the environment and his injury. Now he fears his heart is softening, and he does not want to confront the pain it may encourage. But it is even more than that. He knows what kind of man he was when he first left you. He knows he is not the same, mentally or physically. He is already vastly insecure about his physical loss. But he is also afraid you may not like what he has become, that you may not accept him, that you may not love him.”
Chelan became very still. “What kind of man has he become?”
“On a personal level, a very cautious man, a loner. He guards his heart as though it was shielded with Zenatropium. He has lost too much. And rather than risking losing you outright, he holds you away.”
Chelan sat for a long time. “I had no idea what to think. I Just assumed he no longer cared much about anything.”
Stose closed his eyes and shook his head. “Nothing is further from the truth. What you see as cool aloofness or icy detachment is outright fear over too many uncertainties. But he yearns for you, my Lady.”
Chelan pushed to her feet. “I must see him. Somehow, he must let me in. I can help. I know I can help.”
Stose stood and spoke before she could leave. “Do not press too hard, my Lady. Give him time. Guilt over what happened to the Empire and to you slices him like a knife. In a way, he used his isolation on RIBUS 7 as a form of self-imposed punishment. A punishment he fully intended to endure until the end of his life. Being found by the Empire has brought about a reprieve he does not feel deserving of. Until he gains back some of his self-confidence and buries his insecurities... until he reaches a reconciliation with all the guilt he harbors, he will recede. However, he wants to be whole again. But he needs to be whole again before he can sort through any of this.”
Chelan pondered Stose’s words. “So, through all that you have observed, this aloofness, do you think it is less about him and me on an interpersonal level and more to do with his guilt where the Empire is concerned?”
“Absolutely, my Lady. But the two are entwined. I think he wants desperately to get back to his former self so that he can right his past wrongs. He feels he was negligent and that that led to both your abduction and the downfall of the Empire. He is driven now to become the fighting man he once was both to avenge you and for the overall good of the Empire. He also feels he failed Korba on every front, not just militarily, but personally, by taking you exclusively. Somehow through all his years of isolation he has come to the conclusion that the only way he can redeem himself is by fighting till he drops.”
Chelan swayed for a moment, remembering just how guilty she had felt for all the same reasons. But she had survived and came out the other end of a very dark tunnel to live again.
She stepped up to Stose and hugged him tight. “Thank you, my good doctor. You have done more for me and Dar than any medicine ever could have.” And she hurried from the room.
Her destination was a diplomatic suite not far from the forward Bridge that now served as Dar’s quarters. She had been there many times in the past, but he had never bid her enter. She honestly did not know if on those occasions he was in or not, her summons having gone unanswered. But the weight of her heart afterward told her instinctively that he had been present and that he had chosen not to see her.
However, today he was defenseless. She was armed not only with all Stose’s insights, but with the suite’s private security codes. She approached the doors, her heart pounding. She pressed the page button, but there was no response. “Damn,” she mumbled. But this time she would not be forestalled.
She squared her shoulders and entered the code. The doors slid open just as Dar swung around to face her.
“My Lady,” he acknowledged awkwardly. He grabbed his shroud and donned it about him. “You have come at an inopportune moment. I was just leaving to see Jason.”
Chelan frowned. “Jason is in school now. You know that.”
Dar sat down on the bed and began sheathing his knives. “I thought maybe I would take him out for a bit.”
“His classes for the day end soon. It would probably be better to wait.” Chelan pulled up a chair in front of him. She was careful to keep her voice soft and warm, the mood as light as possible. “You have been awfully busy these past months, my Lord.”
Dar examined one of his blades. “Actually, I have been tired these past months. It seems building new bone and muscle is a trifle wearing.”
“Does it hurt?”
His azure eyes briefly lit on hers and then he focused back on his blade. “No. Well, it cramps sometimes, tingles every once in a while. On occasion it burns, but nothing serious.”
Stose’s words about not pushing him rang in her head. “Maybe sometime when you visit Jason, I could come with you?”
“Possibly,” he whispered.
Chelan looked at the blade, the light glinting off it as he stared at it aimlessly. “You know, I do not know if Jason has said, but he loves to swim in the main pool in the Command Center. He used to have to wait for Korba or me, or Marri, but now he is not only old enough to tackle it on his own, he is a very accomplished swimmer. You should go with him sometime.”
Dar slid his knife in his boot and stood. “I do not know, my Lady. My arm—it may disturb him.”
Chelan
rose, stifling a sigh. “I doubt it. He knows all about it. No doubt he has asked to see it.”
“He has.”
“Have you showed him?”
“No.”
Chelan smiled. “Well, it is something for you to think about. I know our son. It would not bother him in the least to swim with you. In fact, he would love it. And it would be the perfect venue in which to satisfy his fleeting curiosity. Needless to say, he would love the additional interaction with you regardless.”
She watched him as he stared at her. But he remained maddeningly mute, a look in his eyes that she identified as passion wrought with trepidation and indecision.
Finally, he spoke. “And what of your curiosity, my Lady?”
Chelan knew her time had come. Her answer was critical. “Of course! I am rapt with curiosity. I wanted to know everything about the procedure all through the time we were at Cleos, when the doctors were working on you. And I have been bubbling with additional curiosity all through the time we have been travelling. I am fascinated, in fact, that such a thing may be achieved. People of my world are working on this in various forms. But for now, it is more of a distant fantasy than a reality.” She watched him, but his features were now completely unreadable as he lapsed back into silence.
She rubbed her hands down the front of her gown. “I will not invade your privacy where your arm is concerned, Dar. You may show me only what you wish and only when you wish. But I speak from the heart when I say it makes no difference to me. I love you as you are, here and now. I was not raised with the Iceanean pursuit of perfection, and so your condition in no way affects my acceptance of and love for you. And ponder this: you have been raised under and conditioned by the Empire’s guidelines, yet you accepted me, all my alien deficits aside. That should say it all.” And she turned away and began for the doors.
“Chelan.”
She turned around.
“It is... I could... Well, right now it looks odd.”
Chelan felt her heart flutter with hope. “In your world, my Lord, I am sure I have seen odder things.”
Dar stood and took a hesitant step forward. “I do not... I do not want to repulse you.”
Chelan felt her eyes burn, but she willed any threatening tears away. She stepped up to him. “And how would it repulse me? Even if it did, in some perverse manner, what do you think I would do?”
Dar’s jaw worked, and he looked away for a moment. “I do not want it to drive you away.”
Chelan’s fingers caught his strong chin and she drew his face toward hers, his lips just centimeters away. “If you think anything you could do or say would drive me away, you are indeed a fool.”
Dar faltered. “You have had time to reflect. You have had time to remember me as I was.”
“I never needed time to remember you as you were. You have always been with me. And to jar your memory,” she added softly, “it has been you turning me away recently. Not the other way around.”
He closed his eyes. “But I failed you. I failed the Empire. I...” Dar looked down at her pretty lips. “I—”
“Shhh,” she uttered. “We will have this conversation another time. Right now, let me see the arm.”
Dar’s hand touched her cheek, but Chelan ignored the flame within her. She instantly wanted to make love to him, but she would never allow him to take her blindly, impulsively, or shrouded. And more than that, before she allowed any form of intimacy, he had to come to grips with both his handicap and his struggle with culpability. He had to be open with himself before she would allow any bonding that could be perceived as laced with pity. And she would never allow him to take her in the heat of the moment, an act he would surely come to regret out of further guilt.
As his fingers traversed her face he almost swayed, and then he caught himself. He took a small step back and reached for his shroud, letting it drop.
Chelan reached for his jacket and slipped it from him, her eyes on his. “Are you okay?” she whispered.
Dar closed his eyes and nodded. She pressed her palms into his chest and felt his muscles flinch. “Shhh,” she whispered. “Shhh...”
Her hands slipped up to his shoulders and there she stopped. She studied him, but his eyes remained closed. Still touching him, she took a step back and looked at the new arm. A fully formed hand dangled at about elbow height, the new arm tiny in comparison to the massive Warlord. Her fingers drifted over his shoulder and down. The new skin was soft and warm, and when her she touched his fingers, they twitched in response.
She smiled. It was a wonder, an awe-inspiring feat. She took his new hand in hers and clasped it tight. Then she looked up into his brilliant eyes, now opened to her. “Can you feel?”
“Yes... ah, not as well as with the other, but it is coming.”
Her fingers traced his. Then she took his other hand. Her eyes flitted between the two, comparing. “It is nearly identical,” she commented breathlessly. “The fingers are a bit shorter maybe?”
Dar continued to stare into her eyes. “A little, but they will lengthen. It is the arm that has a long way to go.”
Chelan shrugged almost dismissively. “You have some length, a functioning elbow, and a perfectly formed hand. That is a far cry from the melted stump I saw before.” She looked up at him and found him still fixated on her. She let go of his good hand and held onto the new one. “So, what do you do for physio? There is some, I assume?”
Dar looked over her pretty face, her beautiful dark eyes, and her long hair. “Some,” he whispered, his voice deep.
“Like what?”
Dar tore his eyes from her and glanced down at the hand she lovingly stroked. “Mostly for my shoulder, some for my hand. The arm is still too weak to do much with.”
“May I help?”
Dar’s eyes snapped to hers. A small smile appeared fleetingly on his lips, and then left. “You would want to help?”
Chelan could not suppress a sarcastic retort. “Well, if you prefer Stose’s meaty hands upon you to my touch, I can stay out of it.”
Dar’s smile returned. “Oh no, my Lady. I believe you have just been hired as my physiotherapist.”
Chelan threw him a sly look. “That means you must see me daily. No more skulking about trying your best to avoid me!”
“Agreed.”
Chelan released his hand and stepped back from him. “On a more personal level, I want to say this: I will not push you, Dar. I want you to know, though, that I love you with all my heart and soul. I know you have been alone for a long time and that you may prefer to remain so. So I will let you come to me if and when you desire. I just want you to understand that I will not turn you away, ever.”
Dar looked down momentarily. “I still have much to deal with, my Lady.”
Chelan nodded. “I know. But during your self-imposed exile, we both know you were not able to adequately deal with the demons of the past. It is now time to take a risk and let others help you. Admitting you cannot grapple with all this on your own is a true strength. Korba had help through Terig; I had help in the caverns of Iceanea, both with Shan and later with a man named Braedon. At some point in our lives, we all must accept help, even great Warlords.”
Dar took in a deep breath. After a long moment of silence, he finally nodded. “I will see you tomorrow then?”
Chelan curtsied. “Yes, you will.”
“I look forward to it.”
Chelan turned and stepped from the room. The first thing she had to do was see Stose, to find out what she needed learn regarding Dar’s rehab. But as she walked down the corridors, tears of happiness filled her eyes. She would be his physiotherapist, and as she massaged his muscles into submission with her magic touch, so would she massage his tattered and beaten heart. It was only a matter of time before she drained the tension from his body and purged the guilt from his soul.
Chapter 41
TIME MARCHED ON AS the four battleships surged their way through space. Work continued on RIBUS 7, a continual s
tream of labor and goods fed to her by her sister ships. Transports and freighters made runs to planets along the way for additional supplies. Finally, to look at RIBUS 7 from a distance, one could now see her former shape coming back to life in all its splendor.
Korba stepped up behind Chelan in the Command Center of RIBUS 1 and wrapped her in his tight embrace. “Talk to me, pretty woman.”
She held onto his arms and laid her head back against his chest. “I was thinking of my patient—or rather, my former patient.”
Korba kissed the top of her head. “Oh? And how is he?”
Chelan shook her head slowly. “That is anyone’s guess. I have not seen him in over a week.”
Korba turned her to him, his brows furrowed. “What has happened?”
“Well, being able to help him with his arm was great. And while with him, I thought all sorts of dialogue would open up—but that never happened. Everything between us was on a superficial level. He simply refused to open his heart in any manner. He is so guarded! And more importantly, not once did he ever speak of the past. He is keeping everything from the moment he left Earth up until now locked within himself as tightly as he can.”
“And now you have given up?”
“I don’t know. Maybe, I guess. During all my visits, he kept me distant. So yes... I give up. If he chooses to keep everything inside, well, there appears to be nothing I can do about it.” She stared into Korba’s eyes. “And how goes it with you and him?”
“I am having even less success than you. I could order him to be in my presence, but I will not do that.”
“Maybe you should. Someone has to break through that impenetrable façade eventually, or we are going to lose him.”
“Like all of us, he is forever changed. It may be that we get him back as a Warlord, and nothing more. The man is the elite of the Iceanean breeding program. He has fought wars for decades and never failed, except once. He has been in situations and witnessed atrocities that would bring any hardened warrior to his knees, and he has always come out of it on top, dealing with it in his own way, and successfully. What happened to him, to us, this time was unprecedented. I managed to deal with the guilt, but at times I am still hounded by it, not just because of what happened to you in particular, but because of the billions who were lost. But I came out of it because I had a new goal, a new incentive: to regain the Empire and to have you by my side once again. I was victorious, and as a result, I emerged whole. But Dar never got the chance to refocus or to fight a new battle. And he did not come home whole, neither in his body nor in his heart.”
