Antecedent

by Susan Stumpf

This wasn't the first time I felt like my life was flashing before my eyes while talking to Esther. I remembered that eerie feeling the first time I visited her. Thinking that one day I would be an old woman and Bo's new assistant would be bringing me flowers on my birthday. Maybe it was a good thing he was leaving. Maybe I wouldn't try to stop him from going. I didn't want to end up like this. I didn't want to be a withered old woman still in love with a man who would never age and would never love me in return.

  But I was already in love with him, was it too late? Would I do as Esther did and compare every man I met to him? Why oh why had I ever slept with Bo in the first place? I wish it never happened?no, I take that back. It was wonderful. Ok, so it was wonderful and I wish it never happened.

  I was emotionally spent. There was just too much to deal with lately. I couldn't handle anymore. I left Esther's and just drove, not to anywhere in particular. I just drove. I had to think, but I didn't know what to think. I was disgusted with Bo, to do this to me, to Esther. Is this what he did? He lured women in with his charm, his good looks, and his mind blowing foreplay then just abandoned them when they got too old or too attached. No, I knew that wasn't true. Bo said the way he usually did things was easier, to find a prostitute and drain her afterward. It was my idea to have sex with him, it was my doing. I figure it was the same way with Esther. They'd been business partners and just gotten carried away one day.

  What I couldn't understand was why he was leaving now when things were so complicated. For a man who claimed not to feel emotions, he sure seems to avoid and run away from emotional situations. Maybe that was why; maybe he just didn't know how to deal with the situation. Maybe that's how he dealt with emotions. He couldn't feel them so he ran away from them. I thought about it for a long time as I drove. My cell phone rang and pulled me from my thoughts.

  "Hey, Em, where you at?" Brian asked.

  "Ummm, I'm not sure really. I'm on I-81 somewhere?I think."

  "Oh, you're working huh? Me, Kyle, and Jessica are gonna catch a movie tonight, you wanna come?"

  Bo was leaving tonight.

  "Um, no sorry, I can't."

  "Come on, Em, they aren't all that bad." Brian knew I didn't like Kyle or Jessica.

  "No really, I have some things I have to do." Like, say goodbye to Bo for the next fifty years.

  "Are you ok?" he asked.

  "Yeah I'm fine, things are just kinda crazy with work right now."

  "Oh yeah. Hey Em, I completely forgot about your friend. I'm sorry."

  "Yeah, umm you guys have fun tonight, though, I'll talk to you later."

  I drove for awhile longer. I thought about Wu, I thought about Bo and Esther. I'd been driving for a long time and before I knew it I looked at the clock and I'd been driving for over two hours. I'd crossed over into Virginia and was nearing West Virginia. I turned around and got back home around dinner time, but I couldn't eat. My stomach was in knots and my mind was swirling.

  I cleaned and paced the floor wondering if Bo was going to stop by. Surely he would. He wouldn't leave for that long without coming to see me, right? If he didn't stop and see me that would be a clear sign he cared nothing for me. Bacon rarely barked at Bo anymore so it startled me when he spoke while I was scrubbing the sink.

  "Hey," was all he said.

  "Hey. Shouldn't you be at the airport?"

  "My flight leaves in about ninety minutes," he said.

  "You're supposed to be there two hours prior to take off, ya know."

  "I've got time," he said softly. "I wanted to see you before I left."

  I turned back around to finish rinsing the sink. I didn't want to look at him. He was wearing his regular black slacks and a gray sweater that looked amazing on him.

  "Did you stop and see Esther? You just gonna leave a trail of broken hearts as you go?"

  "I can't help what I am Em," he said softly.

  He was standing right behind me now. I fought as hard as I could but a couple stray tears slipped down my cheeks. He gently grabbed my arm and turned me to face him.

  "I really hate you right now you know," I said.

  I was hoping he would get defensive, get mad and incorrigible like he usually did.

  "I know sweetheart," he said wiping my tears.

  "No, NO. You don't get to be sweet and charming..." I said through streaming tears "?not right now. Not when you're leaving me."

  "I'm not leaving you, Em, I just have to get out of here for awhile."

  "For awhile? Fifty years is a lifetime, Bo!"

  "It's not a lifetime even for you, but to me, it's not very long at all really. I may not be gone that long. I'm not sure, and I'll talk to you weekly."

  I had nothing else to say, what was the point? Nothing I could say would make him stay, and honestly, I'm not sure I wanted him to. If he left, he broke my heart. If he stayed I ended up just like Esther.

  "I'm going to miss you, Em."

  He didn't wait for my response, he slid his hand up my cheek and kissed me.

  "Do you want to go upstairs," he asked.

  I shrugged. How could I say no when this would be the last time we could ever be together. I would be like eighty years old when he came back. He took me by the hand and we slowly walked upstairs, that was a first.

  When we were finished he laid down on the bed next to me for a few minutes.

  "Bo, tell me you love me, just once."

  "But I don't, Em, you know I can't."

  "I know. I want to hear you say it just one time."

  "Is that one word so important to you that your value to me is more dependent on that one little word than how you feel when we're together?"

  Wow, what a way to make a girl feel superficial.

  "No, it would've just been nice to hear once."

  "I care about you, Em, that'll have to be enough. I have to go."

  A few minutes later I was standing at my front door in my bathrobe saying goodbye to him.

  "I trust you to take care of things while I'm gone. Goodbye, Em."

  He kissed me on the forehead and then he was gone.