Defining Moments

by Ben Burgess Jr.

Internally, all my drama was raging inside me. I was angry. To this day, I hurt from the fact that my brother was dead. I was sad that two of my officers were killed, and I was too late to save them. I was upset that I couldn’t save Faizon and that he raped a little girl. I was angry at the protesters that thought I was a sellout. I was worried that I was going to fail the lieutenants’ test that I’d been studying so hard for, and I was angry at the fact that I loved Billy more than anything in this world, yet I was attracted to another man.

  I tried to push down my emotions. I tried to be tough and hold all my pain inside, but I couldn’t. My lips trembled. I closed my eyes tightly and wrapped my arms around myself. My eyes filled with tears, and I cried from the depths of my soul. Billy looked scared and uncomfortable seeing my breakdown.

  “Baby, you don’t look fine. Are you OK?”

  He held me in his arms as I sobbed in his chest. He rocked with me and kissed my forehead.

  Skipping over the part about my growing feelings for Morgan, I told him about everything that bothered me.

  “Baby, let’s forget about my case. Let’s forget all that shit that’s bothering you and just go out tonight. When’s the last time we had a real date? You know, dinner, movie, and you for my dessert.”

  I laughed. “Let’s do it. I need to take a break from my usual bullshit.”

  * * *

  Billy handed his keys to the attendant at the parking lot. The lustful looks that he’d been giving me since dinner told me I was slaying in my black leather outfit as we walked hand in hand to the AMC on Forty-Second Street in Manhattan. We drew the attention of a few people on the street, which rarely was positive.

  “Whoa-wee! Goddamn, baby. I know that white boy can’t handle all that ass,” some random brotha smoking a cigarette with his friends commented as we walked down the street. The brotha and his friends licked their lips, catcalled me, and made all types of loud and obnoxious comments to Billy.

  Billy’s eyes tightened. I squeezed his hand to signal to let it go and not get involved in a pointless argument. The light turned green, and we were stuck waiting at the crosswalk on the same corner with the rude assholes.

  “All I need is one night with her.” The man with the cigarette grabbed his crotch. “I’d make her love brothas again.”

  Billy wrapped his arms around me and pulled me closer to him. While I knew he felt threatened by the men heckling him, a part of me enjoyed seeing Billy protective of me.

  I looked in his eyes lovingly. Then I kissed him deeply, giving him the reassurance I knew he needed.

  “Oh, I get it. You think you’re too good for brothas, huh?”

  “I love brothas. I’m just not feeling any of y’all,” I said, walking away from that nonsense.

  * * *

  Billy and I were standing in the concession line when I saw Morgan holding hands with a sista with a huge ass. She wore a tight black skirt that clung to her booty and a white shirt that had her cleavage spilling out. He saw me and winked. I winked back at him while Billy’s back was turned. I felt guilty. I shouldn’t be so attracted to him.

  The theater was packed, but we managed to get decent seats close to the middle.

  A dark-skinned brotha holding the hand of a pretty blonde walked into the theater and sat a couple of seats down from us. Billy and the brotha nodded at each other.

  “You know him?” I whispered.

  “Yeah, that’s Ben, the guy I’ve been telling you about at work.”

  Billy looked annoyed when he continued. “You saw how he strutted in here, holding her hand. He probably only sees her as a ‘trophy.’ Guys like Ben enjoy showing off their success with a pretty girl on their arm.”

  “You don’t think he views you the same way?” I asked.

  “What? No, why would he? He doesn’t know me.”

  “And you don’t know him, but you’re assuming without actually knowing him. Sorry, but that annoys me, because I feel people judge me like that for being a cop. Maybe Ben loves her just as much as you love me.”

  “Maybe.”

  * * *

  After the movie, Morgan smiled at me as he walked past us with his date. I didn’t want to acknowledge him. After our earlier drama, I didn’t need Billy seeing me making googly eyes with another guy.

  “I’m gonna go to the bathroom before we head out,” Billy said.

  “OK, I’ll be right here.”

  I stood across from the bathrooms, staring down at my phone, texting with my mom when I felt hands slowly wrap around me. I turned around and saw it was Morgan.

  “Hey,” I said.

  “Hey yourself, sexy.”

  I held in my smile and asked, “Where’s your date?”

  “She’s in the bathroom. Where’s your white boy?”

  “He’s in the bathroom too. How’s your date going?”

  “She’s fine and all, but she’s lame.”

  I laughed. “Why is she lame?”

  “She just doesn’t have ambition.” Morgan held my hand, stared me in the eyes, and said, “At least not like you.”

  I blushed and giggled.

  Billy cleared his throat and nearly scared me to death. It dawned on me that Morgan was still holding my hand. I quickly dropped it. Billy stood there, sizing Morgan up.

  “Baby, who is this?” Billy asked. I could see in his eyes that he was jealous.

  I couldn’t bring my eyes to his. I felt ashamed of myself for getting caught flirting with another man. I tried to clear the awkwardness.

  “This is Morgan St. Clair, my study partner for the lieutenants’ test. He’s one of the sergeants that works with me at my precinct. I’ve told you about him.”

  Morgan extended his hand. “Nice to meet you, Billy.”

  Billy shook his hand but stared him down. “It looks like you’re trying to do more than just study for a test with Ebony.”

  “Billy!” I yelled.

  Morgan waved the comment off. “I’m sorry if things looked inappropriate, but I’m not trying to push up on your lady. My lady is coming out of the bathroom too—see?”

  Morgan pointed to his date, who smiled at him and walked over. He introduced us to her, and we all exchanged pleasantries. Then we said our goodbyes and went our separate ways.

  Billy was silent on the car ride home.

  “You all right?” I asked.

  “Say what you want, but that guy wants to fuck you.”

  “Billy—”

  “Nah, I saw how he looked at you. I saw how he held you when he didn’t know I was looking. He wants to be more than friends. Apparently, everyone wants to take you away from me.”

  “Pull over for a second.”

  “Why?”

  “Just pull over.”

  Billy did as I asked, and I turned and faced him. I looked him squarely in the eyes and said, “Look at me. In our relationship, I’m all in. Do you hear me? No one is going to take me away from you. I’m committed to only you.”

  He looked back at the road and pulled off.

  * * *

  “C’mon, Billy, I got enough going on,” I said. “Are you gonna be salty with me the rest of the night?”

  “Nope.”

  We walked into our bedroom. He was still mad. I knew I had to do anything I could to boost his ego.

  “Does this mean you’re not going to have me for dessert?”

  He smirked at that.

  I took off my clothes, unhooked my bra, and shimmied my panties down my legs.

  Billy fumbled with his belt, tugged his pants off, and pulled his shirt over his head. He shoved his briefs down his legs, kicking them off to the side.

  Billy positioned me to face the mirror on the dresser. He pushed my legs wide apart and rammed his cock inside me. Then he gripped my waist. My breasts bounced and swayed as he plunged deep inside my tightness. The feeling of his strong hands circling my waist as he pulled me possessively against his body drove me wild.

  “Yes!” I said breathlessly.
/>   My mind drifted to Morgan. I envisioned his chocolate skin radiating with a sexy glow, him fucking me from behind, hearing the loud slap of his muscular thighs as he pounded me with sensual ferocity.

  “Don’t stop, Mor—”

  My eyes widened. I’d almost slipped and said Morgan’s name.

  “What?”

  “Don’t stop ... More! I want to feel more of you.”

  With each thrust, I felt his anger, his fears, and his frustrations. The speed of his thrusting caused me to come quickly. I screamed.

  “Oh God, keep doing that.”

  My powerful orgasm seized me. My pussy pulsated and clamped down on Billy’s cock. His fingers pressed into the sides of my ass, and I felt him spew his come inside me. He pulled out of me, and I faced him. We panted and rested our foreheads on each other.

  “I love you, Ebony.”

  “I love you too.”

  We held hands and bathed each other in the bathroom, which led to another romp session before we made it to bed.

  * * *

  I opened my eyes.

  Billy pulled me into his chest and kissed my forehead. “Hey,” he said.

  I smiled. “Hey. What are you doing?”

  I didn’t realize I had drifted off to sleep in his arms.

  “Watching you sleep,” he said.

  I chuckled. “That’s so creepy.”

  He held my hand and said, “I’m sorry I get so jealous. Every time someone makes a stupid-ass negative comment about us, it puts the fear back in my head that I could somehow lose you. Seeing that guy at the movies tonight amplified that fear.”

  “Baby, my heart is with you. You’re not going to lose me.”

  Billy smiled. He closed his eyes and gradually drifted off to sleep peacefully. I felt terrible for thinking of another man while being intimate with him. I lay in his arms and quietly cried myself back to sleep.

  Chapter 28

  Bill

  Consequences

  “Billy, are you even listening to me?” Ebony asked.

  We were sitting in the living room, eating dinner. Ebony was telling me about her day, but I was bothered by my own stress at work. I hated watching Johnny smile in front of the cameras that followed him around twenty-four-seven and acted like he was a role model, when I knew for a fact that he’d raped that woman.

  “I’m sorry, baby. This case is stressing me out,” I said.

  “I knew something had to be on your mind. You’ve been spacing out for, like, ten minutes. You worried that guy Ben is going to win his case?”

  “Nah, it’s not that. I’m sure I can win, but I don’t know if I should.”

  Shit! I didn’t mean to say that last part. It slipped out.

  “Huh? Why wouldn’t you want to win?” Ebony asked.

  I sighed. I questioned if I should tell her the truth, but I figured she’d understand.

  “Johnny’s a dick. He acts like he’s from the street, but he lived in the fucking suburbs and went to private schools. He thought because he’s into black women that he and I were the same, and admitted to me that he raped the stripper.”

  Ebony dropped her head and went quiet.

  “I can win the case, but I hate knowing that he’s guilty.”

  “What? Are you telling me you know he did it?” she asked.

  I didn’t answer. I stared at the floor, realizing telling her wasn’t a good idea after all.

  Ebony sighed. “You not saying something speaks volumes, Billy. Wow.”

  I rubbed my face and tried to find the right words to say.

  “Billy, I know this is part of your dream, but is it worth your soul? Here’s some food for thought. If he rapes her and gets away with it, do you think he’ll stop or keep doing it?”

  I didn’t answer.

  “If he gets away with this, he’ll rape more black women, and every time he does, he’ll come back to you to help get him off. That girl might not be smart, she might have picked the wrong profession, but she’s still a black woman. That could’ve easily been me in her predicament. What would you say if someone violated me and had a lawyer like you that set him free?”

  I reached for her, but she recoiled at my touch.

  “Come on, baby,” I said. “I’m having a hard time dealing with this as it is. I just need you to understand and give me a little support.”

  “Well, you’re not going to get it from me,” Ebony said, turning away from me.

  I touched her shoulder. She faced me, and at that moment, it took one look in her eyes to understand what her mouth wouldn’t say: she felt betrayed by me.

  “From what you told me about Ben, I expected this from him, but not you,” she said. “Do you want to know why this hurts me so much? It hurts because you know better. You’ve seen firsthand how white men with power abuse it and prey on black people. You saw my brother lose his life because of a racist monster. You swore you’d be a lawyer to fight against guys like that, but now you’re defending one. This whole situation makes me see you in an entirely new light.”

  I couldn’t bring my eyes to hers. I felt ashamed of myself.

  “Look, I’m doing this for us,” I said. “I’m trying to get my mom into a home that can take care of her full-time, so she’s not a burden on your mom and Mrs. Wilson. I’m trying to put the money together so I can marry you and give you the wedding you deserve.”

  “You ever heard the verse, ‘Everything is permissible, but not everything is beneficial’? You should apply that to your life.”

  “Where is that from?”

  “I’m paraphrasing the Bible, 1 Corinthians 10:23, you heathen. You need to keep it in mind when you try to justify your stance on defending that asshole. You know damn well your momma wouldn’t want to go to a cushy place knowing what you’d have to do to pay for it, and if it means ruining another black woman’s life to get my dream wedding, I don’t want it either. I’d rather go to city hall and marry you there, but I don’t know if I could do that now that I see you’re selling your soul to the devil.”

  “I’m still gathering all the facts. For all I know, she might’ve had this shit planned too.”

  “Stop trying to justify it, Billy. You know.”

  “I don’t know for sure,” I said.

  “Even if you try to convince yourself she’s faking it, your conscience is telling you that you’re wrong.”

  “I’m constantly getting flack at work, and when I come home, I don’t want to argue about it with you. I don’t need this shit right now. Yes, I know he’s guilty. Yes, I know morally it’s wrong to defend him, but this is my job, and winning this case can open a lot of doors for us when I make partner.”

  There was nothing left to say. No words could improve this situation.

  Ebony stood up.

  I reached for her hand, but she recoiled and pulled it back.

  “Don’t touch me.”

  “Where are you going?” I asked.

  “You need some time to get yourself together, and I need to figure out if I can live with myself being with you after you crucify that poor black woman. Some food for thought for you. Is this case and your career worth losing me? I know how I am, and if you win, you might fool the world, but I’d always know, and I’d blame you like it was your fault. I’d eventually grow to hate you because of it. Would you be OK with that?”

  I shook my head.

  “I didn’t think so.”

  Ebony walked out the door. I hoped this wasn’t the beginning of her walking out of my life.

  Chapter 29

  Ebony

  Deal Breaker

  I was speeding, but I didn’t know where I was going. I thought about that boy Faizon and that girl he’d raped. I felt powerless then, and I felt powerless now. I couldn’t image Billy protecting anyone that would do that to a black woman.

  I thought about going to my mom’s place but figured if I went there distraught the way I was, she’d only question me, and I wasn’t ready to answer the questions
I knew she’d ask.

  I called Rashida, but she wasn’t answering her phone, so I reached out to Morgan. He invited me to his place and answered the door wearing black basketball shorts with no shirt, showing off his sculpted arms and chest. The next thing I knew, I was crying on his couch, telling him everything about Billy and me.

  Morgan sat behind me. He massaged and kneaded into my tight shoulders to calm me down.

  “Ebony, it’s cool. We all go through rough patches,” he said.

  He kissed a path down my neck and slid his hands down my body. I slowly pulled away from him.

  He pulled me closer. I didn’t resist. He leaned in to kiss me, but I pulled away slightly, looked up in his face, and said softly, “What are you doing?”

  “I want you. I know you want me too. I know you feel our chemistry.”

  “I can’t.”

  “You can’t, or you won’t?”

  “Both. I love Billy ... I shouldn’t be here right now. I’m too emotional.”

  “You’re right where you need to be,” he said. “Fate brought you here for a reason.”

  I broke out of his embrace, turned away, and headed to the door.

  “Where are you going?” he asked.

  “I have to get out of here before I make a mistake.”

  “Who said it would be a mistake?”

  “I gotta go. I can’t make decisions when I’m in this state of mind.”

  I walked out of his condo without looking back.

  * * *

  “Well, isn’t this a surprise,” my mom said.

  I gave her a kiss on the cheek. “Hey, Mom.”

  “What brings you here today? I haven’t seen you in at least a month. You barely even sent me a text after you were involved in that arrest with that crazy rapper that killed all those people. You only stop by unexpected like this when something is wrong. So, what’s wrong?”

  “That’s not true, and please, don’t ask, Ma.”

  “Oh, this has to do with you and Billy,” she said. “What’s going on? Y’all had a fight?”

  “Something like that. I just need a place to cool off.”

  “Well, you know I’m not gonna stop until you talk about it.”

  I sighed. I knew I shouldn’t have come here, but she was right. I knew she wouldn’t stop asking me what was wrong until I gave in and told her, and it was true ... I usually stopped by unexpectedly like this when I had a problem and wanted her advice without actually telling her I wanted it.