by Karen Ferry
“Please, baby.” It’s impossible to refuse her when she looks at me like that—those sad, grey eyes that always hold so many secrets from me are my downfall. “You’ll understand why I wrote it once you’ve read it. And…I hope you’ll understand why I can’t tell you my story in any other way. Before you decide to come back…”
“My decision’s already made,” I interrupt.
She frames my face in her hands and I feel winded as if from a blow as her stare turns intense.
“Take some time to think about it,” she whispers softly. “Please do this for me?”
My frown deepens as I think about her request. The answer is obvious, of course. It always will be when it comes to her.
“Okay,” I nod. “But when I get back to you, we are going to have a fucking long chat about you not telling me things that I need to hear from your own lips. Give that to me, at least.”
She wipes her cheeks dry as I keep her eyes locked with mine, and I hold my breath as I wait for her to give in.
“Waiting,” I murmur as my lips pull up into a sad smile. “Always waiting. But do you want to know what I thought for a split second just before we kissed for the first time?”
She tilts her head at me, confusion taking the place of the sadness.
“What?”
“I thought that, for you, I’d wait for all eternity, sweetheart—no matter what. That hasn’t changed.”
Her jaw turns slack as her mouth forms an ‘O’, clearly surprised by my words. The taxi honks, interrupting our goodbye, and I take a deep breath.
“Kiss me,” I plead and thread my fingers through her soft hair. “Don’t deny me that.”
Slowly, she raises her arms and wraps them around my neck as she gets up on her toes. I bend my head and wait for her mouth to reach mine, needing her to make the first move just this once, and as soon as I feel her soft lips—and taste the sweetness of her—I sigh. Our mouths fuse together as we take our time and, heart pounding in my chest, I pour my love for her into our kiss, trying to show her the depth of my feelings.
But at some point, we have to stop, and when I feel her small hands twitch around my neck, I end our kiss.
“I’ll text you when I land. No matter what your letter says, I’ll do that. I don’t want you to worry about me.”
“Thank you,” she whispers as her arms glide down my body. She takes a step back, and I sigh as I have to let go of her body until nothing but my fingertips touch the tip of her soft flannel shirt.
“Goodbye, baby,” she breathes, her eyes misting again. Before I start to bawl like a baby, I pick up my suitcase and back slowly away from her.
“See you soon,” I call out as she turns away and goes back into the house.
She gives me one last, long, loving look before she pushes the door closed. On a soft click, she shuts it and the agony flares up in my chest.
Silently, I repeat my vow to her and Ailith in my head.
I will come back.
I reach the taxi driver and, still keeping my eyes on the house, wishing Laura would open the door again—knowing that she won’t—I hand him my suitcase when he gets out of the car. With a heavy heart, I finally turn around and get inside, slamming the door. I keep my head down as I slump in my seat, unable to avoid the sight of the letter Laura gave me. I clutch it in my right hand, simultaneously curious and repelled by it.
What secrets has Laura decided to reveal now we’ve run out of time?
A sense of foreboding settles in my heart as I force my grip to relax, and while there’s no doubt in my heart that I won’t be gone for long, a shiver runs down my spine as I stare at Laura’s neat handwriting.
On my way to the airport, a small seed of doubt takes root in my gut and my mind runs wild as I imagine what the letter says.
Maybe her love isn’t strong enough to withstand the time we’ll be apart?
Even thinking it makes my lungs contract painfully.
But then why does it feel like this is the end?
No. I refuse to believe that.
“It won’t be,” I murmur, fisting the letter until my knuckles turn white.
“What’s that?” the taxi driver says and I look up, clenching my teeth.
“Nothing.”
He shrugs and looks back at the road.
“Going on a holiday, are ye?”
He glances at me in his rear-view mirror.
I shake my head and release the letter, trying to flatten it against my thighs. I promised Laura I’d read it, so that’s what I’ll do.
“No. Just need to settle something in my past, so I can get on with my future.”
I stare hard out of the window, not in the mood to talk, and luckily, the driver catches on, because he doesn’t say another word until we reach the airport half an hour later.
“Good luck, lad,” he winks at me as I reach forward in my seat to pay him.
I smile grimly at him and nod before I get out, but when he hands me my luggage, I attempt a friendlier smile.
“Thank you,” I say as I grab my suitcase and head into the busy airport.
It doesn’t take me long to check in and since I lingered for longer at the farm, I just barely make it in time for boarding.
Only half listening to the stewardess droning on in that fake, upbeat tone of voice that seems to be mandatory wherever you travel, I glance out the window and look at the depressing rain pouring down outside.
Soon after, my stomach coils as the plane takes off, and I grimace as I leave my new home behind me.
“Would you like some breakfast, sir?”
I turn my head and nod at the friendly, blonde stewardess standing in the aisle. Her eyes are kind and patient as she waits for my answer.
“Yes, please,” I sigh, only now noticing how hungry I am, and I take the tray from her.
As she turns to greet the travellers opposite me, I put Laura’s letter down on the seat next to me and shrug off my jacket. Bracing myself for what I’m about to read, I take a long sip of my coffee and sigh heavily.
I almost snort when I notice my hands shaking badly. I’m not used to feeling this nervous, but one thing I’ve come to realise the past three months is that Laura brings out sides of me I never knew existed.
Protectiveness.
Vulnerability.
“Fuck,” I breathe and open the envelope, almost tearing it to pieces, but I force myself to slow down a little as I pull out the thick band of folded paper. My breathing speeds up as I count the pages roughly—there must be at least fifteen.
Shit. Laura must have been up all night writing it.
Then I start reading.
Dearest Kristian,
Living with a man who turns into a monster almost every night for years makes you lose a part of your own humanity.
I almost wish I didn’t have to tell you what happened two years ago, but if we are ever to have a future together, I know I must. You deserve to know all there is to me, even the inhuman part. I only wish I had the courage to tell you everything face to face, but we have run out of time, leaving me no other choice but to write a letter instead.
Brace yourself, baby. This is the kind of story that will hurt.
My heart clenches and I close my eyes briefly. Somehow, it feels as if Laura is sitting right beside me, holding my hand, and an eerie calm settles in my body as I reopen my eyes to continue.
I told you that James is dead—and this is the truth.
What I failed to mention, however, is that I am the reason he is no longer amongst the living.
Two years ago, I reached breaking point, and I killed him.
I killed my own husband…and to this day, I do not regret it.
33
Laura
“Go, boy, go!” I shout as I jump on Thunder’s back and grab onto his long mane.
Tears stream down my cheeks as I lean down, making my body as small as possible as he takes off. His muscles quiver between my thighs as we ride in the heavy rain, tak
ing us further and further away from the house.
I don’t care about the rain.
I don’t care about home.
All I do care about is my own heartache that tears through my chest. It doesn’t matter how fast the horse underneath me runs—he can’t outrun the pain, or the crippling loneliness that seeps into my soul.
Cold…that’s what loneliness feels like.
The lightning above makes Thunder jerk in fright, causing me to wobble in my seat, and through the fog of my tears, I force myself to pay attention.
The old, sensible Laura is still here, it would seem, because as Ailith’s smile flashes through my mind, I try to catch my bearings. I know the hills around me better than my own back pocket, but the ground is soggy from all the heavy rain we’ve been getting the last few days, and I’d be stupid if I didn’t pay heed to my own safety.
“Whoa, Thunder, slow down,” I croon, clamping my thighs harder against him, silently asking him to obey me. Once he stops completely, his breaths coming out in heavy puffs, I lean down to rest my cheek against his neck.
I shiver in the cold rain, and mentally slap myself for not putting on my fleece jumper before I took off like that. Staying at home, trying to ignore the compassionate looks Mum gave me, was unbearable.
“By now, Kristian will have read my letter,” I whisper softly into the afternoon once my tears have subsided. “What will he think of me?”
Despite the torrential rain, the silence is deafening.
“I’m a coward, Thunder,” I whisper, “a coward and a fool.”
Defeat washes over me, through my wet clothes, and settles in my heart like a cold blanket from which you’ll never gain any warmth. I start to tremble and sniffle, breathing in the familiar, calming scent of horse and rain.
“We need to get home,” I sigh and straighten up slowly. Blinking through the curtain of rain, I cluck my tongue and knead my fingers through Thunder’s thick mane again. “Please take me home?” I plead, my voice lifeless and like that of a small child who no longer has any hope in her heart.
Thunder snorts once and I settle on his back as he turns around and trots back to the farm.
My mind is whirling with rampant thoughts, and I can’t seem to grasp onto a single one as we approach the one place that I used to call my sanctuary.
However, it doesn’t feel like that anymore.
I raise my head and glance up at the sky, scanning it for a plane, but then shake my head at my stupidity.
My sanctuary—my safe haven—isn’t here now.
Instead, he’s flying home, and all I can do now is wait for him to return.
If he ever will.
“Being pregnant stinks,” Trish sulks into her bowl of ice cream.
It’s been a full day since I said goodbye to Kristian, and while he texted me like he promised, that’s all I’ve heard from him.
My head is telling me not to expect to hear from him again.
To give up and go back to they way things were before he came into my life.
Yet, my heart is stubborn…it’s urging me to keep hoping against hope. It’s telling me to fight for him—for me and my happiness—but it’s not easy.
I’ve been staring out in the air for I don’t know how long, but the defeated sigh from my friend pulls me back to the present. My lips pull up in a half-hearted smile and I sit back in the rocking chair in our kitchen. I give Trish a proper once-over as she slouches on the bench at the kitchen table across from me. The truth is that she’s never looked more beautiful than she does now that she’s expecting—her blonde hair is shiny, her cheeks a soft blush, and the small freckles on her upturned nose only enhance her beauty. But it’s not easy being a woman in the early stages of pregnancy.
“Morning sickness?” I ask her gently.
“Yes!” she exclaims, waving the spoon so hard, a dollop of ice cream lands on the floor next to her leg. I look down at Sally when she gets up from her bed and pads over the hardwood floor to clean it up.
I sigh lightly and stir the melting chocolate ice cream in my bowl resting on my lap.
“I’m sorry, honey. But it’ll pass soon, I promise.”
Trish nods as she places her palm on her still-flat belly. A soft smile grazes her lips, and for the first time since Kristian went home, I feel a small spark of excitement bubbling up in my throat, and I grin at her.
“You’ll be a wonderful mother.” I get up from my seat to sit down next to her. I take her hand in mine and squeeze it gently. “How’s Alex taking the news?”
She beams at me, and that’s pretty much all I need to see.
“He’s happy, like me,” she whispers and I frown when her smile turns lopsided. “But we’re not together, Laura. You know that.”
I nod and place my arm on the table, resting my head in my upturned palm.
“Yeah, but…you’ve still got another six months, give or take, to get used to the idea of becoming parents. Maybe you’ll change your minds before Little Bean gets here.”
She blushes and avoids my eyes.
“We’ll see.”
I decide to let her off the hook and we fall silent for a spell. The warmth from the Aga stove is comfortable, familiar, and soothing.
“How are you doing, babe?” Trish whispers then.
I blow out a long breath.
“I’m not doing so good,” I sniffle and blink the treacherous tears away. “The pain in my heart…it’s overwhelming,” I admit as I raise my head to meet her gaze.
“But, he’s coming back.” Her grip on my hand tightens as she shuffles closer.
“I’m not so sure,” I murmur.
The confusion in her eyes makes me a bit uncomfortable, but I’ve never kept any secrets from her. I’m not about to start now.
“I told him everything about James,” I explain.
Her soft gasp fills the silent room.
“Everything?”
Nodding, I pull my legs up on the bench until they’re crossed.
“Wait,” she starts, “what do you mean?”
“When he told me about his father turning up, only to lay dying in hospital back home, I wrote him a letter.” Wetting my lips, I look down. “It seems silly, I know, but I didn’t want him to leave without knowing the truth.”
“Oh, gosh,” she breathes.
“Yeah,” I smile sadly at her. “I never thought I’d tell someone else—a man I absolutely adore—that the woman he’s been seeing for a while is actually a murderess.”
“Hey,” she admonishes me, “you’re not. It was self-defence, Laura. You know it as well as I do—and besides, that’s what the courts ruled as well.”
“Even so, it’s not a tale I ever wanted to tell him.” My eyes brim with tears and this time, I allow them to fall. Completely unable to remain strong for another minute, and feeling achy all over, I just don’t have the strength to remain resilient anymore.
“I don’t think he’s coming back to me. To Ailith. She’s already asked me when he’ll be home ten times today, Trish,” I cry and put a palm over my mouth, trying to keep the heartache inside. “What am I going to tell her?”
Trish scoots closer and wraps her arms around me, and I burrow into her embrace.
“Shh,” she croons, her own breath hitching, “he’ll come home, babe. I’ve never seen another man look so in love with a woman as he does when you’re together.”
“But then why hasn’t he texted me since his plane landed?” I murmur, defeated.
“He’s probably not had much time,” she says as she leans away from me. “I bet he’s got loads he wants to say, but texting or a phone call aren’t the right ways to go about it, and he knows it, too.”
I want to believe her words, but the way her eyes flicker uncertainly, avoiding mine, tells me that she’s having as many doubts about it as I am.
“Yeah, and I feel awful for being so selfish when I know he must be in so much pain.” I turn my head down to wipe my running nose on my black knitte
d cardigan.
“Don’t feel bad. From what you’ve told me, he hasn’t seen his father in, what, twelve years?”
I nod and shrug as I think back on the little Kristian’s told me about his father.
“Thereabouts.”
“Well,” she says and rubs my shoulders. “Just be patient, babe.”
As I come down from yet another crying jag, I grimace.
“I feel utterly disgusted with myself,” I grumble and raise my hands only to let them fall back in my lap. “I’m being a selfish old cow. It’s not like me.”
When Trish grins at me, I groan.
“Actually, it’s Kristian’s fault.” I turn my face and rest my cheek on my knees. “I wouldn’t feel like such a wreck if he hadn’t barged into my life like that.”
Her giggle makes me move my head and I raise my eyes to her amused face.
“What?” I ask. “Why’re you looking at me like that?”
She rolls her eyes at me and grabs her bowl of ice cream from the table.
“Because you’re starting to talk nonsense. Admit it,” she jerks her chin at me, “next to Ailith, he’s the best bloody thing that’s ever happened to you.”
I can’t deny that, because she’s right. Still, I remain silent and wait for her to swallow the melting chocolate.
“You know I’m right, so you might as well give in.”
“Fine,” I sigh grudgingly. “You’re right, of course.”
“Besides, don’t tell me his bloody amazing lovemaking skills don’t have something to do with why you’re missing him so much,” she taunts me, waving the spoon so close to my nose, I almost go cross-eyed. “Your body misses that delicious, pierced, and hooded bandit, too.”
I snort as she waggles her eyes at me.
“Trish!” I whisper-shout, completely mortified. “Stop it.”
She lets out a low, infectious laugh, and I giggle.
“Thank you,” I whisper. “You always know the right thing to say when I feel utterly lost.” I wrinkle my nose at her. “Even when it’s inappropriate.”
“Oh, come on,” she laughs harder, “we’re the only people here, Laura. Who’s going to listen in on us when it’s almost…” She cranes her head to look at my pocket watch, “Almost eleven at night?” she finishes. “Both your mum and Ailith are fast asleep.”
