Becoming Us

by Allie Everhart

  This makes no sense. Harper’s sisters are only supposed to date guys who are part of the organization. So is this guy a member? He must be.

  “Jade, I have to go. My mom will be back any second. She’s staying here until Tuesday and then we’re flying back together.”

  “Where’s your dad?”

  “He had a meeting to go to in New York and then he’s flying home. With my mom here, I probably won’t be able to call you again until I’m back in LA. And then I’ll be getting prepped for surgery so I guess we’ll just talk after Thanksgiving.”

  “Okay. But call me before then if you want to talk.”

  “I will. Bye, Jade. Happy Thanksgiving.”

  “Yeah. Happy Thanksgiving.”

  I go out on the deck and tell Garret what Harper said.

  “Why would the rules be different for her sisters?” I ask him.

  “They’re not. That guy Kylie’s dating is a member. He has to be. Otherwise her parents wouldn’t be inviting him to dinner. Kiefer probably set them up.”

  “It sounds like Harper has no idea what’s really going on. But they have to tell her eventually, especially if they’re going to force her to marry someone.”

  “That’s not going to happen right away. They have plenty of time to tell her.”

  “But she needs to be told now, not later. She doesn’t understand why they’re doing this. And I don’t either. They can see how upset Harper is, and I know they love her, so why are they doing this? Is it really just for the money?”

  “You need to let this go, Jade. Don’t get involved. And don’t ask questions.”

  Don’t ask questions. The number one rule. I’ve been told it so many times now you’d think I’d never ask another question ever again. But when I can’t explain something, like this thing with Harper, my mind just keeps coming up with questions. But they’ll have to remain there, unanswered. Because finding the answers isn’t worth the cost to get them.

  22

  GARRET

  Last weekend pretty much sucked. Jade and I tried not to think about what’s going on with Harper and Sean. We tried not to talk about it. But that’s nearly impossible to do when something bad like this happens to your best friends.

  Sean called me Sunday night after he got off from work. It was 2 a.m. his time, 11 here. He couldn’t sleep. He hasn’t slept more than a few hours since the break-up. He sounded like a totally different person. His voice was hoarse, monotone, lifeless. And then he cried while we were on the phone. The guy fucking cried. And he wasn’t drunk. It didn’t last long, but still. It was bad. I didn’t know what to do or what to say. I was basically useless.

  I know how it feels when you think you’ve lost the person you love most in this world. It shreds your heart. Rips at your gut. Makes you feel like you’re missing part of your soul that you’ll never get back.

  That’s how I felt when I thought I lost Jade. After we said goodbye in the woods last May, I went back to my house, locked myself in my room, and completely shut down. I didn’t eat. I didn’t sleep. All I did was think about Jade, and how I’d lost the person who meant everything to me. The only person who ever really understood me. The person I’d given my heart to, fully and completely, without hesitation.

  Thinking I’d lost her forever hurt so fucking bad. I wouldn’t wish that kind of pain on anyone, but definitely not my best friend. So what do you say to someone who’s going through that? The truth is there’s nothing to say. There wasn’t a single word that would’ve helped me when I thought I’d lost Jade. The only thing that would’ve helped would’ve been getting Jade back. And luckily, a week later I did.

  Sean hung up around midnight, my time, and it took me a while to fall asleep. When I got up this morning, I felt like shit, not only from the lack of sleep, but from the fact that I can’t do anything to make this any easier on Sean.

  I took a long shower, which usually wakes me up, but today it didn’t. I still feel half asleep and I’ll be late to class if I don’t hurry up. I dry off and go back in the bedroom, the towel around my waist. Jade is still asleep. I usually let her sleep in, but she has stuff she wants to do this morning so she told me to make sure she doesn’t sleep too late.

  I go over and sit next to her on the bed. She’s on her side, snuggled up under the blanket looking cute as ever. I lean down and kiss her cheek.

  She smiles. “Hey.”

  “Were you already awake?”

  “Kind of, but I pretended not to be so you’d kiss me.”

  “I’d kiss you even if you were awake.”

  “I know, but your wake-up kisses are different than your other kisses and I wanted a wake-up kiss.”

  I sit up. “What’s a wake-up kiss?”

  “It’s a kiss you only use when you’re trying to wake me up. It’s softer than your other kisses.”

  “And what are my other kisses like?”

  She rolls onto her back. “Some are slow and sexy. Some are really quick. Some are gentle. It depends on what kind of mood you’re in.”

  “My kisses aren’t that different.”

  “They are. You have all kinds of kisses.”

  I lean down and give her my slow, sexy kiss. Then I remain by her lips, my eyes on hers. “What kind of kiss was that?”

  “A teasing kiss. You’re teasing me because you don’t have time for sex, but that kiss made me want it and now I have to wait until we get home tonight.”

  I laugh. “Okay, I admit it. I do have different kisses. And you’re right. I was teasing you just now. Heating you up for later.”

  “You’re so mean.” She laughs and pushes me away.

  She goes in the bathroom while I go to the closet to find some clothes. I throw some jeans on and as I’m putting on my shirt, Jade comes out of the bathroom and walks up to me.

  “Are you okay?” She does the buttons on my shirt as she looks up at me.

  “Yeah. I’m good.”

  “Are you sure?”

  She’s asking because today is the anniversary of the day my mom was killed in the plane crash. This day always sucks, but not nearly as much as it used to. Ten years have passed and a lot has changed in those 10 years, especially the past year. Having Jade in my life has changed how I feel about this day. Instead of thinking about my mom being dead, I imagine her watching over me, seeing me with Jade, and being happy that my life turned out this way.

  Having my dad back in my life, being a real father, has also helped. This day is hard on both of us, but neither one of us would admit it. My dad used to pretend this was just another day and I used to spend the day drinking. But now that we have a relationship again, we talk about my mom more, and although we haven’t talked about her death, I think if I mentioned it, he’d talk about it. That just shows how much things have changed between us. Just a year ago, he would’ve yelled at me for even saying my mom’s name.

  I wonder how he’s doing today. I never would’ve asked him before, but I feel like I can now. I feel Iike I should.

  Jade finishes the last button. I take her hands from my shirt and kiss her. “I’m going to call my dad and see how he’s doing.”

  “I thought he wouldn’t talk about it.”

  “I don’t need him to talk about it. I just want to make sure he’s okay.”

  She hugs me. “I think that’s a good idea.”

  “I have to get going. I’ll see you tonight.”

  “Can you meet for lunch?” She follows me to the living room

  “No, I have physical therapy at noon.” I grab my backpack and take my keys from the hook on the wall.

  “Okay, then have a good day.” She walks me to the door. “I love you.”

  “I love you, too.” I kiss her goodbye, then go out to my car. As I’m driving to campus, I call my dad. He’s probably at work. I always forget the time difference.

  “Hello, Garret,” he answers.

  “Hey, are you at work?”

  “No. I stopped somewhere first.” His voice
is quiet. He sounds sad. Really sad. Shit. I didn’t expect that. He rarely shows emotion, even on days like today.

  “Where did you stop?”

  “At that pancake place your mother used to like. That run-down diner.”

  “Al’s Pancake House?” I can’t believe he’d go to that place. He hasn’t been there since she died.

  “Yes, that’s the one. Remember how she used to make us go there on Saturday mornings?”

  “Yeah. It was one of her favorite restaurants. I took Jade there last year.”

  “I didn’t know you’d been back there.”

  “Jade and I went every Sunday. She really liked that place.”

  “I didn’t stay long. I just had coffee. The menu hasn’t changed. I remember when we first went there and your mother—” He stops because his voice was shaking, almost like he was about to cry.

  Fuck. I don’t know how to respond. He always acts like he’s over her death. But he’s clearly not. Is this day always this hard for him? Or is every day this hard? He never tells me so I don’t know. Maybe it’s just hitting him harder this year because he’s been opening up more. Letting himself feel shit instead of shoving it away.

  I pull into a parking lot and turn the car off. “Dad, talk to me. What’s going on?”

  He’s quiet, but then says, “Ten years. I can’t believe she’s been gone that long. It seems like just a few years ago we were—” He clears his throat. Shit, he almost cried again. Or maybe he is and he doesn’t want me to know.

  I had no freaking clue he felt this way. I assumed this day was difficult for him but I didn’t know how difficult. He’s never let me know. After she died, he was devastated, but he tried to hide it from me. The only time I saw him cry was when he told me what happened. I was only 10. He tried to be strong for me, but he broke down in the middle of telling me about the plane crash. He could barely say the words. And I didn’t want to hear them. I yelled at him to stop talking. I was so angry that I started hitting him and kicking him, like it was somehow his fault. He picked me up and held me so tightly that I eventually gave up fighting him. When I saw him crying, it scared me. I’d never seen him cry, so when he did, I knew what he’d told me was true. That she was gone and never coming back.

  After that, I never saw my dad cry again. But in the weeks following, I’d hear him in his room, sobbing. I tried to go in there to be with him, but he locked the door so I couldn’t. He shut me out from that point forward. He pretended he’d moved on even though he hadn’t. And because he didn’t deal with his own grief, he couldn’t help me deal with mine. That’s why I ended up going to counseling.

  Now all these years later, I find out he’s still grieving. I wish I’d known that. Maybe I could’ve helped him. Maybe we could’ve helped each other instead of suffering in silence, or in my case, drinking until I passed out.

  I don’t know what to say to him. Nothing I say will make this any easier. At least I have Jade to help me get through this day. My dad has no one.

  “Dad, I’m sorry. I should’ve come out there.”

  He clears his throat again. “No, that’s not necessary.”

  “Maybe not, but I still think I should’ve been there. Or you could’ve come out here. We should be together on this day.”

  He sighs. “Perhaps you’re right. Perhaps we need to stop ignoring this day and honor her somehow.”

  “Yeah, I think we should.”

  “Are you doing okay? I know how much you miss her.”

  “I’m okay. It helps to have Jade. And it helps that you’re actually talking about it.”

  “I’m sorry for that. I shouldn’t have ignored it like I did all those years. It was just difficult for me. Pretending it didn’t happen was easier.”

  “I know.” I used to be pissed at him for not acknowledging this day but I’m not anymore. I get why he did it. This day is even harder for him than it is for me. I just didn’t know that until today.

  “Garret, you should get to class.”

  “Don’t worry about class. I can be late.” I check my watch. Class starts in ten minutes. “Where are you right now?”

  “In the car, heading to the office.”

  “Maybe you should take the day off.”

  “I can’t. I have meetings all afternoon. I have another call coming in. I should get going.”

  “Call me later if you want to talk.”

  “You as well.”

  “I love you, Dad.”

  “I love you, too, son.” He hangs up. I can tell it’s still hard for him to say those words. Last summer he told me his parents have never told him they love him. I assumed my grandfather had never said it, but I thought my grandmother would’ve, at least once. But she never has.

  I feel really bad for my dad, especially today, and especially after hearing how much he still misses my mom. My mom meant everything to him. She was probably the first person who ever said those words to him. That she loved him. She told him that every day.

  I shouldn’t be surprised my dad still misses her this much. He loved her more than anything. He’ll never find that kind of love again. He won’t let himself. That love was just for her and he’ll never open himself up again to love someone else that way. It’s sad because he’s not that old and he has a lot of years left that he could share with someone. But even if he found someone he wanted to be with, the organization wouldn’t allow it. He’s stuck with Katherine, who’s now dating someone else.

  My dad’s life basically sucks. He’s forced to run the company and follow orders from the organization. His wife is an uncaring bitch. And his parents treat him like shit. Lilly and I are the only good things in his life but now I never see him, so all he has is Lilly. I need to call him more. It seems like I only call him when I need something, but I need to start calling him just to talk and see how he’s doing.

  I arrive at class just as it’s starting. After class I meet with my group for a project we have to do. I go to physical therapy at noon, then grab lunch and check messages as I’m eating. There’s an email saying my 1:30 class is canceled.

  My lack of sleep is catching up to me so I decide to go home and take a quick nap before my other class, which is at three. Jade won’t be home. She usually goes to campus around one on Mondays and studies at the library before class.

  When I get home, I open the door and drop my backpack on the floor. I’m so freaking tired I can barely keep my eyes open. The blinds are partially shut and the dim light of the room makes me even sleepier.

  “Hello, Garret.”

  I freeze when I hear the deep voice. I instantly assume it’s a burglar with a gun aimed at me. I slowly turn my head to the right and see that it’s not a burglar.

  It’s my grandfather.

  23

  GARRET

  My grandfather is here. Sitting in my living room.

  “What the fuck?” I’m breathing fast, my heart beating a million miles a minute. “You scared the shit out of me! What are you doing here?”

  How the hell did he get in here? The door was locked.

  “I expected a better greeting, given that I travelled all the way across the country to see you.”

  My grandfather is sitting up, tall and straight, in the white upholstered chair at the far end of the couch. His legs are crossed and he has one arm resting at his side, the other one raised slightly, his hand rubbing his chin. He’s wearing a black suit, a white shirt, and a light gray tie. His suits are specially made for him and cost thousands of dollars. I rarely see him wear anything other than a suit.

  “I don’t—how did you—” My thoughts don’t come out of my mouth right because they’re a jumbled mess in my head. I’m still trying to comprehend this. My grandfather is in my living room. Uninvited. He broke into my house. And now he’s acting like I should be happy to see him.

  “Garret, do you need a moment to collect your thoughts before we begin?”

  “Begin what?”

  “Our discussion. That’
s why I’m here. I need to talk to you.”

  “You flew all the way out here to talk to me? Why didn’t you just call me?”

  “Because I wasn’t getting through to you over the phone. And the things I’m going to tell you need to be said face-to-face.”

  Great. This should be good. What’s he going to tell me that can’t be said over the phone? That he’s cutting me out of his life? Never wants to see me again? I don’t need that to be done in person.

  “How did you get in here?”

  “I walked in the front door. You should really invest in some better security.”

  Since when does my grandfather know how to disable an alarm system? And get past two deadbolts?

  “Sit down, Garret.” He motions to the chair on the other end of the couch that faces the chair he’s sitting in.

  I sit on the couch instead. “I have class later so we don’t have much time to talk.”

  “You don’t have class. Your classes have been canceled for this afternoon.”

  “No, just the one class was canceled. My other one’s not. Wait—how did you know my class was canceled?”

  “Because I’m the one who canceled it. Both of them. Check your phone if you don’t believe me.”

  I get my phone out and check for any new emails. One just came in, saying my finance class was canceled.

  “How did you do that?”

  “That’s not what we’re here to talk about. Turn your phone off and put it away.”

  I do as he says, then lean back on the couch, crossing my arms over my chest. “If you’re here to tell me you’re cutting me out of your life for good, you could’ve just called. Sent a letter. Even an email would’ve sufficed.”

  “I’m not cutting you out of my life, Garret. Quite the contrary. I want to see more of you. I want you more involved with the family again.”