by Casey Diam
Damn, I disgust myself.
“Let me be the first to tell you that bad sex is worse than no sex. It’s kind of like getting your eyebrows done. You go to someone you think is an expert, only for them to fuck your shit up—not in a good way. So, you go home, thinking, Well, golly, what the hell? I could have done a better job than this. Holy moly, never doing that again. And, by that, I mean the douche bag who’d claimed he was a nymphomaniac sexpert in bed. Basically, it would be better if you had stayed home and done your eyebrows yourself. Make sense?”
I laughed. “Oh my God.”
I couldn’t relate. Well, maybe I could because the first few guys I’d struggled to date would make me so uncomfortable when they tried to touch me, that even thinking back on it made my skin crawl.
Caleb was the first guy to make me feel...
God. I bit my lip as heat flooded my body.
I needed him to touch me again. I needed him to do more than that again. It was so wrong.
How could I feel this way after what he did?
Last night, when I had gotten back to the condo, I’d texted Lisa about Amber and Caleb. Seeing them together had hurt so much that I’d had to tell someone, and Lisa was the only one I could tell. She’d even promised not to say anything to anyone. Though she’d told me Amber would have told her if there was anything going on with her and Caleb, it still didn’t explain them being alone together last night.
That brought me back to the guy who was interested in me.
“What about Miller?” I asked, distracting myself before I looked over to the bag of books I’d set on the floor next to my closet. “You’ve known him a while. How come you guys have never...you know?”
“I’ve slept with two of Miller’s friends. There’s a fine line to cross when sleeping with guys and their friends. You sleep with two guys who know each other, and it’s like, okay, shit happens. But, when you sleep with three”—she turned, viewing the back of the dress in the mirror—“they stop respecting you.” She sounded so pensive that I paused and looked at her.
Lisa liked having her fun with guys, but she still cared what people thought of her. Little by little, I was starting to see what separated her from Amber.
❧
Lying on my back with my feet up on the cushions and my earphones in, I rocked my head to the beat. The only time I ever wore earphones was at the gym, so this showed how much I trusted these guys to keep me safe. At that thought, I removed one of them because the whole safety thing was in my head, and I had to be sure.
I looked around and spotted Rob on his laptop in the den. Calvin had disappeared after Lisa and I arrived, but I hadn’t seen Caleb. In fact, I was dying to know if he was here. It was almost four, and I hadn’t seen or heard from him all day besides the books he’d left for me, which I wouldn’t read until I wasn’t mad at him anymore...or maybe I would hide in my room and read them. One of them, I’d already read, but still, Caleb getting me books was thoughtful and kind, but I didn’t want to think about that. Because not only had he been a jerk last night, but he’d also gotten these books from somewhere in my past. The specific store I used to visit at least once a week with Mackenzie when I lived at the mansion. After what had happened that night almost five years ago, I had stopped going there, along with anywhere else I used to visit.
I hadn’t even visited the cemetery where the only family I knew was buried, where Caleb’s real family was buried. It was how I’d managed to stay off his father’s radar for this long. But another reason I’d left everything behind was to protect the people who’d been in my life. So, if he stumbled upon that bookstore by accident, I needed to know more. It was important to me.
Letting out a breath, I set the book I had been attempting to read and picked up my phone. I sent him a text.
Me: Why that bookstore?
His response came in seconds.
Caleb: Why not?
I wanted to be petty and not tell him why, but I needed to put my feelings aside for this.
Me: I used to go there
He didn’t reply, so I set my phone down and picked up my book—not one of his gifted ones—while I tried not to overthink it. It could have just been a coincidence.
A few minutes later, an all-masculine and powerful Caleb stood over me, staring down at me on the couch. I hated how my breath caught and how my nipples tightened.
I’m still mad at him, yet all I can think about is how gorgeous and sexy he looks right now.
As he sat by my head, I sat up, fighting my body’s need to be closer to him.
“I’m not talking to you,” I said out of nowhere, staring at the television on the wall.
His presence even confused the way my body knew how to conduct the simple task of breathing. From what I could see in my peripheral vision, he positioned his phone on his lap and typed right before my phone vibrated.
Caleb: When was the last time you went to that bookstore?
Me: Five years ago. Why were you there?
Caleb: To buy you something.
Another text came in.
Caleb: If I knew where one of your high school friends was, would you want to talk to her?
I looked at him, taking in the solemn expression on his face as I pulled out the other earphone from my ear.
“Mackenzie,” he said before I could ask the question.
I swallowed, and I knew he was watching to see if it bothered me.
“Where did you see her?” I asked.
“The bookstore. She works there.”
“Why would she work in a bookstore? Her parents are, like, stupid rich.” Pulling my bottom lip between my teeth, I chewed on it in thought.
Caleb shrugged, and at the same time, guilt came over me for running away. I would know what was going on in Mackenzie’s life if I had been there. If I’d stayed.
“Hey, it’s okay. You don’t have to see her if you don’t want to. I just wanted you to know.”
“How did she...did she seem happy?”
“She seemed okay. She looks different from the girl in the picture you showed me. I don’t even know how I noticed it was her. I think it was her smile.”
“Different how?”
“She’s gained weight. You want to see her,” he said knowingly, “but you’re unsure.”
“With everything going on, I wouldn’t want to put her life in danger.”
“No, it’s more than that.”
I swallowed, trying to push down the dryness in my throat, and looked away. “I left her. She probably hates me for leaving.”
“I doubt that. But, if you’re up to it, I can go back there and leave my number or yours, you two can talk, and if you want to meet somewhere, you can bring her here. Or just be careful about meeting her in the city.”
The heaviness inside dissipated, and my chest swelled. “Really?”
His lips twitched, a small smile appearing. “Really.”
I frowned. He wasn’t supposed to make me happy.
“Damn it, Caleb.” I pouted, folding my arms over my chest. “I’m mad at you.”
“But I’m sorry—”
“I don’t want to hear it.” I plugged the earphones back in my ears, not caring if I was being immature.
He shouldn’t get off this easy for embarrassing me in public and hooking up with Amber. That was not okay.
Caleb moved over and removed my earphones before I could press play on my phone while I sat there, immobile, as his hand went around the back of my head. He held the side of my face to his, and everything inside wound tight from the contact.
His lips moved over my ear, but as the words came out, I could hear the bite in his tone. “I didn’t sleep with her.” He released me and stood, looking at me like it was my fault or that I should be fucking grateful.
That, that right there, set blaze to the fire I’d been stomping out since last night. “Wow! You’re such a dick. Should I be thankful that you claim to have not slept with her after inviting her over to spend
the whole fucking night alone with you?” I stood. “You know, maybe I should just invite Miller over to spend the night in my room, so I can not sleep with him. Would that be okay with you?”
He frowned, biting his lip and shaking his head. “If it’s what you want.”
“God, Caleb! Are you kidding me? So, you freaked out at the club just to, what? Embarrass me? Let everyone know how you got there first?”
His eyes moved over my shoulder. “Not now, Paige.”
“No, fuck you.” I stomped around the couch toward my room, and he came from the other side to block my path. “Caleb, if you touch me right now, I’m going to lose it. Don’t—”
“Paige.”
I held up my hands away from him.
“God, fuck, damn it!” He huffed, walking away from me as he ran his hand through his hair.
I hurried into my room and locked the door.
Damn it.
I paced, trying to shake the anger, the pain.
He shouldn’t have brought Amber to our old apartment, and he shouldn’t have told everyone about what had happened between us. That should have been ours alone. And, it was pissing me off that he was making it out to be...nothing. He hadn’t brought Amber back to the apartment for nothing. He hadn’t pulled me out of Miller’s arms because he wanted me for himself. He hadn’t done it because he wanted me back. He’d just done it because—I stopped in the middle of the room—why had he done it? Why was he acting like this, and hurting me?
He’d started to change since he found out Alex Connor was possibly his dad. That was when he’d begun to push me away. Then he found out Connor was actually his dad. Freaking Alex Connor. Why did everything lead back to him?
I drew in a breath and glanced at the small desk in my room. Walking over to it, I grabbed a pen and my notebook from it and sat on the floor, my back against the bed. There was a better way to release this aggression. My letters to the one and only. I had written the first one when I came back here after seeing Caleb with Amber last night. Inhaling, I set the notebook on my knees. It was time to write the second.
Alex Connor,
My name is Reese Sawyer. You might not remember me, but no worries. I’ll paint the perfect picture...
Chapter Fourteen
Caleb
The next day, I didn’t talk to Paige. She needed space. The worst part was that I had known it from the start. I had known it was bad timing when I attempted my apologies, but I had to try because I hated her being mad at me, hated that she was hurting because of me, another Connor. So today, I wanted to do something for her, which was talk to Mackenzie.
When I went back to the bookstore, the clerk informed me that Mackenzie only volunteered there once a week and wouldn’t be back until the following Sunday. I’d left my number there and asked her to pass it along.
After that stop, I called Tom, and he claimed he didn’t know anything else about my past and Alex Connor. I had no choice but to believe the sick fuck. So, that was a dead end.
With nothing much going on at Luxe when I returned, I decided to go home earlier than usual.
Home. I smiled at that.
After living at my father’s mercy for years and then in a suite for another few years, the places I considered home were the first apartment I’d rented because of Paige and this condo I hadn’t even been living in for three weeks. Yet it felt like home.
It was home.
I keyed in the digit to our floor, swiped my key card, and then entered the six-digit code specific to our unit. It was then that the elevator doors closed. When I got out in the foyer and walked toward my bedroom, I heard giggling. Paige was working at the bar, so it couldn’t have been her.
A loud moan reverberated through the walls, and I paused.
Another moan.
I looked behind me at the closed door, shaking my head.
Calvin.
A grin tugged at my lips because this was the most normal I’d ever felt. My best friend was screwing some girl in the other room, and the girl I liked was my roommate. As the sounds grew more pornographic, my balls tightened.
Shit.
Continuing to my room, I locked the door behind me. All fun and games until I was the one listening, not doing the screwing.
This is what having no sex is like.
Fucking hell.
Changing out of my work clothes, I headed down to the gym with my gym bag hanging from my shoulder. Only a few people were here, and no one was currently using the small space in the corner for kickboxing or other groundwork. I dropped my bag on the floor in front of the area covered by black tumbling mats and removed my shoes. Then I took out my white wrist wrap and walked to the single suspended kickboxing bag. Most days, I omitted the gloves because I liked the impact. I liked feeling the way my hits vibrated back into my body with a hint of pain. I used to like it so much that, by the time I was done, blood would be seeping through the white material around my knuckles. But that’d had to stop after discovering how much I also liked playing my guitar. Although with some practice, I’d figured out the exact number of times I could hit before the discomfort in my hands would carry over to the days I settled for just my guitar.
There was always a limit to the amount of pain the body could withstand before breaking. Anyone who’d ever been through real pain knew that limit. That limit was called the breaking point. I’d been there. The point where all I could focus on was the pain. The fear of dying. Then, actually wanting to die because anything would be better than that pain. It was how I’d become obedient. Why I kept my nose out of Alex Connor’s business. Breaking had pushed me to look the other way. It was what kept me calm when all I wanted was to do something, tell someone. That would be when someone else would get hurt. Not just me.
See, Alex Connor didn’t break me through physical pain. I didn’t care about what happened to me, and he knew that.
He knew my weakness was watching someone else get hurt, and with that, he’d ripped out every ounce of willpower I ever had to do anything but serve him. So, even though I wanted answers and him and his men to be in jail, I found myself questioning my choice to go against him. Because how many others would get hurt before he could be stopped?
I feared taking that risk to find out.
I took a risk with Stacy Lenard, and she was missing because of it.
Was it worth it?
No.
About an hour into kickboxing, I was drenched in sweat and my pulse was racing when Calvin appeared at the edge of the black mat. “You got off work early.”
My precise hits to the bag stopped, and I brought my arm up to wipe the sweat from my forehead. “Yeah.”
He looked stressed for someone who had just been fucking less than an hour ago. His eyes moved to the suspended bag. “Up for a real challenge with me instead of this helpless piece of crap?” he asked, pointing a finger at the bag.
I chuckled. “You’re joking, right?”
“Nah. I just need to get my gloves.”
He walked away without making eye contact, and I folded my lips, tasting the salt from my sweat on them.
“Weren’t you just up there with someone?” I asked, curious about the way he was acting and hopeful that I wouldn’t have to tell him whoever it was couldn’t remain up there without supervision.
“Uh...” Calvin paused and scratched the back of his head before looking at me. “You heard that?”
“A little bit.”
“Yeah, she’s gone. It was just some girl,” he said. “I’ll be back.”
Hadn’t sounded like just some girl, but I nodded.
❧
Late that night, I was lying in bed, staring at the ceiling, trying to figure out the best way to get more information about what had happened to my mother. I didn’t want to do anything that would involve anyone else getting hurt. Like the wrong call I’d made with the nurse, whom I still couldn’t get in contact with.
My door cracked open, and I looked over.
Wit
h my eyes adjusted to the dark, I could see exactly who it was. Couldn’t see her face, but I could make out that perfect physique from anywhere. Paige.
As she closed the door, a shaky whisper came from her, “Caleb?” She sounded so afraid.
Sitting up on the bed, ready to go to her, I grabbed the sheet I was covered with from the waist down to throw it off but stopped.
I was naked.
I was naked, and Paige was coming to me. In my bed. And judging from the sound of her voice, she wasn’t here to—
“Caleb.”
Oh fuck. Fuck.
“Yeah?” I cleared my throat as she drew closer. “Uh...you okay?” I asked, my voice sounding rusty and choked.
“I had a nightmare,” she said, her voice weak, still shaken. “Can I stay in here with you? Please.”
I cleared my throat again. “Yeah, of course. Come here.”
Deep breath. Fuck, fuck. Fuck. I need to tell her I’m not dressed. Should I tell her? I don’t want her to leave.
I pressed a hand to the tent rising between my thighs in a silent command to stay down. Probably wouldn’t listen, but I had to try.
Paige’s eyes wouldn’t be adjusted to the dark yet. I could get off the bed and—
She climbed onto my bed, crawled over to me, and wrapped her arms around my neck. I’d waited so long for her to hold me like this again that I fucking melted. I wrapped my arms around her and squeezed, feeling my world as it shifted back on its axis.
This girl.
She fucking owns me.
For a few minutes, we stayed like that, her arms around my neck and my arms around her waist. A small part of me knew she would regret this tomorrow, but for the moment, I wanted to live in the present, wrapped in her softness and breathing her in. God, she smelled so good. Like rose petals, lavender, and sugar.
“Let’s lie down,” I said, moving with her, but she stayed put. “Paige?”
She held me tighter. “No. I can’t lose you. Promise me.”
“Take my pain, and I’ll take yours,” she’d once told me.
The funny thing was, she was the only one who could take my pain, but I didn’t want her to. I’d much rather take hers.
