So I Have Thought of You

by Penelope Fitzgerald

  27a Bishop’s Road

  Highgate, N6

  [1995]

  My dear Rachel – This isn’t a letter that needs answering, and it’s one I should have written weeks ago, to say how glad I was that James* had been given the kind of job which I am sure he wants, I mean one with more scope and Euro-importance – but now I’m making him sound like a character out of Trollope, which isn’t what I meant at all, as I’m sure you realise – but I felt that he was quite rightly looking for something out of the ordinary, and with Liz to help him, Liz who has been to so many places and coped with so many far-out situations, and takes them all so calmly, well, there’s no end to what they’ll be able to do.

  You won’t be able to help missing her, but it’s not so far, and what a mercy that Richard is there – he might have gone to Australia or the U.S. – I always dreaded that with Valpy, it’s a relief that he’s got back to Oxford.

  Tina, Terry, Luke, Paschal and Jemima have now crossed the border into Cornwall – they sold their roses and honeysuckle cottage at last (it was impossibly much too small for them) and have bought a house called Marshville – not a reassuring name, and there are ditches cut in the garden to carry away the water – at Tresparrett Posts – not really a village, but there’s plenty of room, and an enormous garden which won’t need a lot of doing because it doesn’t grow anything but rough gorse and blackthorn and it’s quite near both Tina’s job at Bude and Terry’s at Launceston – they’re waiting to move in at the moment and living in a converted barn, but it should all be through by the end of next week and then in theory we all go off on holiday to Provence, though I’m beginning to wonder if we shall ever manage it.

  I am feeling a bit decrepit as my heart (presumably as a result of old age) doesn’t work as well as it should and I have to take a lot of nasty pills – the registrar at the Whittington hospital (I’m supposed to see a specialist but he never seems to be there) – the registrar, a harassed little Sri Lankan, rejects my complaints and says ‘you are elderly and must take these substances’. But I don’t need to tell you anything about the tedious subject of doctors and treatments. I do so hope that you yourself are defying the doctors.

  Love and best wishes to you all –

  Mops.

  27a Bishop’s Road

  London, N6

  17 May [1996]

  Dear Lis –

  Thankyou so much for your letter, and I’m not surprised to hear that you are housekeeping in Strasbourg just as efficiently as you did in India, where if I remember rightly you had to have a new kitchen and even a new house built. Tina and I had to go to the supermarché in Provence last summer and were aghast at having to weigh everything for ourselves, but perhaps you don’t have to do that.

  I’m sure Tom would congratulate you on your fruit garden. I remember so well his efforts to grow parsley, which wouldn’t take at all at first in Lamorna, but then he got it going on a ridge he dug for it – only to find that Rachel didn’t really want it, as she had laid in quantities of dried parsley from a W.I. shop. He was a marvellous gardener and I expect you inherit it – I remember your rhubarb too, in Truro.

  Lovely that you were all able to be there for Rachel’s 80th birthday. – It’s quite true that I’m not as well as I should like, because my heart doesn’t tick properly, and although the specialist at the Whittington has given me large quantities of pills in different colours, all of which make me feel ill in different ways, none of them seem to make my heart any better. I feel rather sorry for it, as it’s worked excellently for so many years and obviously needs a rest. – However, Tina is able to meet me at Exeter, although it’s a long drive to Tresparett Posts. They’re on the north coast, just five minutes away from the sea at Crackington Haven, splendid for the children even if it’s three miles to the nearest shop. (It’s near Camelford, where you used to be, didn’t you?)

  John and Maria have just bought a holiday house in Wales, on the road from Welshpool to Barmouth, or rather off the road, on a sheep-covered hillside. John loves everything to do with DIY and converting houses and there seem to be a lot of barns and sheds and a main building with a good slate roof and sanded floors and they have bought quantities of Swedish furniture, and are starting from there. Thomas (now 11) wants to get a billiard table, in case it rains, which of course it will in Wales.

  Meanwhile, all the blossom is out in Highgate and I sit here surrounded with books which I’m supposed to be reviewing –

  love to you and James,

  Mops

  27a Bishop’s Road, N6

  15 October [1996]

  My dear Lis,

  It really was good of you to let me know about Tom – you say that Rachel is being amazing and I’m quite sure she is, but you must have a terrible lot to do and arrange as well as giving support and comfort, and I did appreciate getting your letter.

  Even when I last saw him I could see that he was growing frailer and, sadly, a bit cut off from the world into which he’d fitted so well, first as a farmer, then as a parish priest – I can guess what a tremendous loss he must be to you, it’s like losing a bit of your own life.

  I’m so glad now that you made the decision to come home from the East when you did and that James is there now to be your right hand (and I expect you’re his) and to take the service at Zennor. All my prayers and much love, Mops

  27a Bishop’s Road

  Highgate

  London, N6

  18 June [1997]

  My dear Rachel,

  This is just to welcome you to your new home – it will be strange to think of Cornwall without you, but it’s lovely round Winchester, (which is where Belinda, Rawle’s daughter, and her husband live. He commutes up to London every day, and seems to find it no trouble). Moving is such a complicated business, but then you’ve undertaken it, with so much courage and spirit, so many times, and I hope this time it will take some of the day-to-day worries off your back. I wonder if Richard will go to live at Perch Cottage, and write his operas there?

  I don’t mean this in any way to be a sad letter, really it’s to congratulate on a new beginning, but I do want to send you all my thoughts and prayers –

  love, Mops

  What fun it was going over to St. Michael’s Mount! I’ll always remember that day –

  27a Bishop’s Road

  Highgate

  London, N6

  4 October [1997]

  Dearest Rachel,

  So glad you’ve successfully moved and acquired such a good secretary. But you don’t say anything about yourself, Rachel! I do hope you’re going along all right. I know that nothing daunts you.

  Thankyou for the news of the family. I’m still living in a small flat, which suits me very well, in the corner of John and Ria’s Highgate house. Tom is now 12 and goes across to Hampstead, to U.C.S., every morning. Sophie, who is 9, and Alfie, who is 5, go to St. Michael’s, the church school at the top of the hill. I’m not sure that they learn very much, but there’s plenty of time, and meanwhile they’re very happy, which is what matters most. – Tina and Terry and family are still at Tresparrett Posts, just 5 minutes from Crackington Haven. Luke (their eldest) is at Launceston College, now called Launceston Community Centre (I think) and was immensely excited at taking part in the school production of Lorna Doone (as a musical) at the Minnock (not sure how to spell it, but I first went there with you, and I remember your being very firm about taking plenty of rugs and blankets). It was on for a week, and they stayed in the Youth Hostel and had a high old time. Tina’s house is more or less straight at last – the insurance paid for more or less everything, including re-tuning the piano, and the kitchen lino has been cleared away revealing nice old-fashioned slates. –

  Valpy and his family are still in Oxford – Greg (his eldest, now 24) has I think at last finished his Physics degree and I suppose is thinking about marrying his Lidia, who has still never been out of Córdoba, but they’ve been faithful and true to each other, I must say. Valpy is st
ill a great gardener – it’s hit him late in life, and it’s hit him hard. Unfortunately they go away to Spain for the whole summer and so they always miss the raspberries.

  Liz must be terribly busy! But she’s used to that, she was always a great ‘doer’ and ready to try anything new. I hope her garden is growing well –

  best wishes and love

  Mops

  27a Bishop’s Road

  Highgate

  London, N6

  27 December [1997]

  My dear Lis,

  You and James dash about so much that I can never be quite sure what country you’re in, but I calculate you’re back for the Christmas services, so I can thank you for the European Social Charter Calendar (very cheerful and not at all what I should have expected) and the nice soap from the Holy Land.

  I liked your description of the giant lunch party. But, I’m sure, Liz, it wouldn’t daunt you – you’ve been used to them, I imagine, ever since you can remember. If I shut my eyes, I can imagine Rachel making dozens of small Yorkshire puddings – it must have been for some large gathering. She served them with golden syrup – it’s a long time since I saw a tin of that – after the beef, not with it.

  We’re all quite well here, Ria just back from California, and Valpy (still living at Oxford) just back from Bangkok. I have taken to staying put, as I am getting very old and slow, but I’m surviving –

  with love and best wishes to you both –

  Mops

  21 August [late 1990s]

  Thankyou so much for your card. I’m amazed at all the things you undertake – African philosophy, Tolstoy (Master and Man, I hope, that’s one of my favourites) theology, archaeology, and now a visitation of 500 pilgrims, some of them probably quite tiresome. You’ll have to have a giant holy tea-party, but, Lis, I know you’re up to it, after all you’ve been through in foreign parts! And to think I’m driven distracted just by a few books, which seem to be all over the place.

  We’re all all right, but both Tina and Maria have had pneumonia and took some time to recover. Luke playing in St Genny’s Silver Band – love to you and James – Mops

  27a Bishop’s Road

  Highgate

  London, N6

  [c.1998]

  Dear Lis –

  Many many thanks for the embroidered spec. case – I can’t believe you can have time to make it yourself, but perhaps you did, I know you’re used to an extremely busy life.

  I can see that it was a good thing, in fact essential, for Rachel to move, but it seems strange to think of Perch Cottage without any of you there. And time passes at such a rate. I went down to Cornwall to hear Luke (Tina’s eldest) sing what I suppose will be his last solo as a treble in the church at Bude. He is now almost as tall as Tina.

  Hardly any berries on the holly this Christmas. I’ve forgotten whether that means a hard winter or (what seems more logical) a hot summer last year. – with love and best wishes to you and James

  from Mops.

  27a Bishop’s Road

  Highgate

  London, N6

  29 December [c.1998]

  Dearest Rachel,

  Thankyou for remembering me at Christmas and thankyou for sending me the zip-up purse, the kind I used to take on foreign travels.

  I imagine you surrounded with grandchildren, as I am myself at the moment – Tina has brought her 3 to stay and Maria’s 3 are all in the house – but I can’t pretend that I’ve even done so much as to peel a brussels-sprout – everyone else does things so much quicker than I do.

  Mary is quite well at her Residential Home but I have to admit that I’m not sure she always recognises me, though she gives me a great welcome. She still enjoys the weekly art classes, though it’s sad to see how she has lost her own skill. But that doesn’t worry her, and she is looked after by very kind nurses. I don’t protest against time any longer, just let it pass –

  with love and very best wishes for the New Year from Mops

  27a Bishop’s Road

  Highgate

  London, N6

  30 December [1999]

  My dear Rachel,

  Thankyou so very much for your delightful presents, the case and the handkerchief, which were just like Christmas presents used to be – don’t misunderstand me, I mean this as a very genuine compliment.

  Lis told me about your very well-thought out means of transport, which I think must have been particularly useful at Christmas. Meanwhile, Maria has courageously asked sixteen of the family to stay for the Millennium. John asks her if she’s sure it won’t be too much, but Ria tells him it’s only once in a thousand years. (John himself won’t be there as he has to stay at the international bank where he works till 3 a.m., to make sure the whole computer system isn’t breaking down).

  Terence and Tina and their family are already staying with Ria. Terence is still teaching French and Spanish at Launceston School (or Launceston Community Centre as they insist on calling it) and all three children go there now, but Tina is still teaching at Bude. Her school burned down recently – no-one hurt, but all the classrooms destroyed except, by great good luck, Tina’s. Everyone else has to carry on in draughty mobile classrooms which were hastily towed to the spot. Apparently the fire started in the kitchens,

  Love and all best wishes for the New Year, and the new century (I suppose I should add) – Mops

  Mary Knox*

  Queen Mary’s Home

  13 April [1953]

  Dearest Daddy and Mary,

  Thankyou so very much for the letters and the lovely flowers, I do wish I could see you but they are difficult about the visitors, in spite of the fact that old Q.M. apparently planned this place to be just like home, no hospital atmosphere, so we have dainty traycloths and screens that fall down on top of us, and the staff are very kind, but I shall be so glad to be home again. Maria is a dear little baby and so far has dark blue eyes, but I don’t know whether they will last. She is on the greedy side, rather like Tina. It was such a relief when she was born and they held her up and I was able to count her toes and see they were all correct. I was getting quite worried with all the messing about. The surgeon who gave me the induction is a frightful old show-off and stopped at the last moment to say ‘Where are my students? Why are no students watching me?’ He sounded like Beerbohm Tree.

  I do hope the children will approve of Maria, Valpy wanted a brother, of course, but I think she will be convenient for dollies’ tea-parties and fit in quite well.

  Thankyou again and best love from us both

  from Mops

  25 Almeric Road

  London, sw11

  Sunday [February/March 1976]

  Dearest Mary,

  I started down to Cambridge yesterday and found there was a strike at Liverpool Street and I couldn’t get a train! So instead I went down to the Garden Centre again, very nearly lost my head completely (as most people seemed to be doing – they were buying large trees and huge sacks of earth and cramming them into small cars) and only got some monbretias, as I notice they seem to grow anywhere, and a stout looking fuchsia, and a white jasmine, said to be hardy, but I don’t know how it will like Battersea. Have nearly finished my terrazzo, and Tina actually sat on one of them, and it didn’t collapse.

  I think the St Leonard’s idea is good – you won’t, I’m sure, want me to say this, but it truly is good of you to undertake it and nothing could be more worthwhile, particularly in early summer when I dare say they find it hard to get proper helpers, and it could be rather nice by the sea then, and having a modest half-pint with the other social workers in the evening, as for giving you other jobs, I should imagine they’d jump at you. I may go away for a week before Easter (this sounds downright selfish compared with your enterprise) because Desmond’s friend Peter Norton, who works in the same office, and is married to a trained nurse, and lives down in Canvey Island in a little house with a vegetable patch and 2 children, one named after me, has asked him if he’d like to stay for a week,
and he’d be comfortable there and Stella (the nurse) knows all about his op: and so I should not be worried: I might take a week therefore, after D. comes out of the Royal Marsden for the 2nd dose of this nauseating (literally) drug, and if he takes it well this time, but I don’t know where I’ll go. – Tina and Terry are taking a school party to France for Easter, it’s really very good because they haven’t got to take charge all the time, the children live with French families, some in the town and some in the country (agriculteur: milieu très simple) and they only have to be there to sort out any difficulties – they have their own flat, and an allowance for food, vin rouge &c – so I think they will enjoy this very much. Tina has a nasty sore throat at the moment, but is recovering, I’m glad to say.

  I shall venture down next Sat: to Cambridge, as they go off to Cordoba in a couple of weeks. Valpy hopes to go to Cuba and Mexico as well as Peru, but perhaps I told you this!

  Thankyou so much for the invaluable list of letters, Mary. Looking forward to March 19th, pottery party –

  much love always

  Mops

  I want my 10p back that I offered to the Donatello plate. I’ve decided that I don’t really like the plate anyway. –

  Theale Post Office Stores

  Sunday [October 1983]

  Dearest Mary,

  Thankyou so much for your very kind letter and offer to come, just like you! and very distressed to hear about your own fall – no, I won’t say ‘fall’ it sounds like an old lady, but your difference of opinion with the landing steps, which must have been horrid and painful, and somehow it seems so horrid and treacherous for them to let you down suddenly, the ladder was quite different as I never ought to have gone up it at all, but it’s the only ladder we have and perhaps one gets reckless. I fell out of the (ground-floor) window at Almeric Rd. once when trying to clean it, but landed in a bush, and was quite all right, but one can’t always be lucky. If only I hadn’t 2 black eyes! I feel they don’t look at all right for a teacher. And the garden is terrible, Mary, lawn grown very long, geraniums need potting up and taking into the greenhouse, vegetables need digging up and bed got ready for next year, the winter lettuce needs spacing out – I can see it all from the window but am quite helpless! But the district nurse is going to take out my numerous stitches on Monday and I expect I’ll feel better then. It does hurt to cough, though. I can’t see why one needs to cough all the time.